Chapter 46
Darcy’s routine at Pemberley had always been for an early morning gallop before his bath and then breakfast. He had enjoyed the gallop, the freedom, and the chance for an almost carefree hour.
But no longer. It seemed as much a chore as the rest of each day. He set his jaw and walked to the stables, hoping that the air would push the fatigue away long enough for him to concentrate on his correspondence after breakfast.
As he rode along the path by the woodland, he found, as always, that his gaze followed the paths and lanes where he had often seen Elizabeth walking alone.
Which one had she chosen for that last night, he wondered? The night when she had departed for the last time? Had she chosen the one least likely to be searched? The one easiest to traverse in the light of the crescent moon? South, towards a gentler climate and towards home?
His shoulders slumped. There was no way of knowing. The moon had not been full, and the nights were still chill this far north.
But every vista, every pathway; even every hallway and corridor at Pemberley. They all reminded him of her. She had made her life here, where she had been unwillingly brought. Until his actions had caused her resolve to leave.
His duty ride over, Darcy lay in the steaming bathwater. Had Elizabeth enjoyed the luxuries here? It must have been more pleasant than the crowded conditions and few servants at Longbourn.
No. She had missed her home. Somehow, he knew that. She had been part of that family, noticed and loved; the opposite of what she had found here. His fault.
Darcy shook his head and rose out of the bath, accepting the towel from his valet with a murmur of thanks.
He towelled himself roughly, punishingly.
Was Elizabeth able to bathe in comfort? How could she?
If she still lived, she would be living in poor conditions, having arrived in such a situation that she would never be able to obtain genteel service.
He fiercely pushed the thought away. He would not allow himself to think her dead.
He would find her, restore whatever comforts she might need and accept.
He would prove to her that he had changed, and that her wishes and comfort were his first concerns.
He would prove to her that he wished for nothing more than he could protect her, and see to all her wants and comforts.
Newly determined, Darcy ran down to the breakfast room. He knew his energies were lacking, he must eat better, and be strong enough to continue his search; do whatever must be done when he had found her.
He ate unthinkingly, his mind on other matters, the food as tasteless as it had been since, since … then.
Mr Rawlins would be here this morning, before leaving again, this time for Leicestershire, as Nottinghamshire had yielded no clue.
If Elizabeth had been there, she had left no memory of her presence, as she had said in her letter of her time here; the letter still folded into the pocket closest to his heart. He must never forget.
With an exclamation, Darcy rose to his feet. He would stay his course. He would find her.
Rawlins awaited him, alongside Mr Reed, and they discussed the various towns he would stay in while searching the villages and hamlets all around.
“With respect, Mr Darcy, I would like Mr Reed to accompany me, he could begin the search while I need to return to London for a week on a family matter.” The man looked hesitant, and Darcy blinked.
“I had not thought that so much time had passed without you returning home, Mr Rawlins. Of course you must take the time. I hope all is well with your family?”
The man nodded. “If needed, I would have spoken before, sir. I will return after one week and take Mr Reed’s report and write to you.”
Darcy nodded. “That is well. I apologise for my lack of consideration of you — and you, Mr Reed.”
Returning to his study, he sat at his desk, wondering what to write to Bennet and Gardiner. The lack of news was distressing, and there was little to say to them. Their replies were equally sparse, although he was embarrassed to receive their gratitude for his continued searching.
His pride was no more, and he was open about his plans for when he had found her, for what choices he hoped to make available to her, and in that vein, he had been rather more detailed in his description of the works to the dower house.
Finally, he leafed through the remaining post, discovering a letter from his sister. Smiling faintly, he went through to the morning parlour, where he ought to have sat each day with Mrs Darcy, discussing the minutiae of their lives.
He could dream of one day doing that, if she could ever forgive him.
Breaking the seal, he read Anna’s letter with pleasure.
Knowing she was happy was a relief to him.
He had been so certain she was too young, that he could never trust another man to have such control over her.
But the thought that Bennet had had to relinquish his favourite daughter to Darcy — unwillingly; and that he himself had been unworthy of her, weighed on him.
And Richard and Aunt Alice had been determined in their own opinions; Anna had grown and matured.
Darcy had not been there for her for some time.
A marriage now meant that she would not have to face a Season, and that her mistake with Wickham would be finally laid to rest when she was wed.
Not only those things, but Hughes loved her, and Anna loved him.
He could provide well for her, Tealing Park was of a similar size to Netherfield, although Darcy could hardly think of that place without wincing.
He turned back to his sister’s letter. She chattered on about her new life, the villagers in Minting she was coming to know, and much of the letter concerned her friendship with Miss Lucy Price.
Darcy frowned. Her last four or five letters had been the same, she seemed much in the thrall of this young woman, and he was not sure of her situation. Was she a gentlewoman? Why was she so bound up in caring for this grandmother? Were there really so few servants?
He was quite glad in a way that he was going to visit her in little more than two weeks.
He would have the opportunity to ask questions — carefully, and in a way that did not seem suspicious as writing them would be.
He must continue to care for those he loved, despite most of his thoughts being centred on Elizabeth.