Chapter 69
Elizabeth smiled to herself; of course he had been outside again this morning, just happening to be walking where she could see him as she took her regular morning walk. And she had been happy to join him, the conversation about Pemberley and those who lived there bringing them both closer.
But he was keeping his promises, and she knew he would continue to do so. Over the last weeks, she had discovered that she could trust him, and she could regret that she had not given enough thought to the need to allow longer for his full recovery.
But she had been so very alone then, and she could not see that she might have done anything differently in the situation she had found herself in.
As she sat over her solitary breakfast, she thought back to the long conversation she’d had with her aunt before deciding on returning to the dower house.
Ultimately, she was married. A totally new life was not possible. But these few days here had already brought her to understand that an independent life was very different to a solitary one.
A new realisation dropped into her. She was not made to live alone, surrounded only by servants. She was utterly fortunate that she was able to stay here and make her choices slowly, deliberately, in a way that could secure her happiness, and perhaps that of others around her.
She would not like to see him unhappy. And that was a thought which was new.
She patted her mouth and put the napkin down. “Carson, could you summon Mrs Kerr to attend me, please?”
The footman bowed. “Yes, Mrs Darcy.”
“Good morning, Mrs Darcy.”
“Thank you, Mrs Kerr.” Elizabeth looked up. “I wonder if you can confer with the kitchen to see how their provisions are. I would like to invite Mr Darcy here to dine tomorrow if the kitchen is able to provide.”
He was formally dressed when he arrived that evening, as he handed off his coat, hat and gloves to the footman, his gaze already on her.
“Elizabeth.” His bow was formal and correct, but his eyes were full of happiness and she was glad she had not waited long to invite him to her home.
She led him to the small parlour, already the room she used both as her study, her office and her sitting room. She had installed a small table to be used for before dinner drinks, rather than open the drawing room, and his eyes softened as he followed her in.
“Before we take our seats to await the call to dine, Mr Darcy, perhaps you would do the honours with the drinks?” She remembered, with mortification, the occasion when he poured himself a drink and failed to offer her one.
“I prefer a small sherry, please.” If she had said something then, would it not have made life easier?
But she had been so afraid of his anger and disdain.
He seemed not to recall that incident as he carried the glasses over to the chairs and handed her the sherry.
“I am happy you like this room. When I oversaw the renovations here, I could imagine you sitting here.”
Elizabeth smiled at him, and as she took the glass from him, her fingers brushed against his. She forced herself not to start at the unexpected heat up her arm.
She hoped dinner would be called very soon. After the meal would be the best time for the conversation to be uninterrupted.
During dinner, their companionship was real, and although she kept the conversation light and Mr Darcy followed her lead, she very much enjoyed their time together and her decision firmed within her. At last, it was time, and she led the way back to her small parlour.
He took the chair close to her seat, as she had indicated to him before the meal, and she poured tea. Glancing at the closed door, she hesitated on how to begin.
Mr Darcy noticed. Of course he did. She was beginning to think that to be an object of his devotion was a fine thing, but probably only because he was being very careful to observe the boundaries he had set.
If she was to act on her thoughts of the last few days, she must ensure he would continue to respect them as far as possible.
But he would, regardless. She knew he was utterly changed, and he would not falter.
She had changed, too. Although she had caused such unhappiness by fleeing Pemberley, she felt she had needed to learn the valuable lessons that she had.
She had survived and built a different life for herself. And while she valued the confidence it had given her that she could survive a devastating situation, she could work towards not needing to expect any such difficulty.
More importantly, she had learned compassion.
She was no longer the Elizabeth she had been.
Impertinent, a sharp wit, uncaring, often, that she might hurt with thoughtless words.
Now she knew how deeply she had hurt the one man she had discovered she cared about.
That injured, angry man. The man grieving the loss of his self-control that made him angry, and underneath, the frightened man, who feared his life might have changed for ever. And she had not considered him enough.
Back when she had been newly married, her thoughts had entirely been that he had not fully recovered. More than three months had passed, and she was still unhappy. How selfish she had been!
She came back to herself with a start as Mr Darcy attempted to take her cup and saucer from her hands. “I am sorry to startle you, Elizabeth, but the cup was tilting and I did not wish it to spill.”
She gave it up to him and he replaced it on the tray. “Thank you,” she murmured. “I am afraid I was woolgathering.”
His smile was gentle. “That was evident. I hope the interruption was not too abrupt?”
She shook her head. Glancing at the clock, she was surprised to see that more than ten minutes had passed. “Oh, I am sorry you waited so long.”
“It matters not. I hope you are assured by now that I will wait until the ends of the earth for you.”
Impulsively, she reached out and took his hand. “Mr Darcy, I have come to understand the depths of the pain I caused you by the manner in which I left and the letter I wrote. It was inexcusable, and nothing you could be blamed for. You have my deepest apologies.”
His gaze was fixed on his hand in hers, and she could feel a tell-tale quiver. “You have nothing to apologise for, Elizabeth. It was my abominable temper and pride which forced your hand. I deserved what you did.”
Elizabeth smiled sadly. “We might have to agree to disagree, sir. I hope you may, in time, be able to forgive the torment I caused you. But at least I have learned from the time I was gone. I am more grown now, I think, and more mature in my thoughts and dealings with people.” She glanced up and met his eyes.
“I might even begin to deserve your care for me.”