CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Rori lingered in bed for a bit the next morning, enjoying the feeling of laying on an actual mattress. And bonus, it doubled as a couch. So she had a place to sit and to sleep.
Being able to put her clothes into drawers instead of just living out of her suitcase had also been wonderful. And she’d eaten her first meal at the table the night before as she watched a video on her laptop.
For the first time since arriving in Serenity, the small space truly felt like it could be a home. It inspired her to do even more to make the apartment a comfortable place.
Up next, she was going to hang some of the pictures she’d developed and framed for her place in Denver.
Feeling happy after her first night in her newly furnished apartment, Rori took a few extra minutes getting ready for church. No one would probably notice or care, but she’d know, and it would make her feel good.
Before she left, Rori stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom and stared at herself. She’d chosen to wear a sundress she’d found while exploring a thrift store earlier in the week. The dress was unlike anything else she owned. She’d always been very practical with her clothes.
This outfit, however, was soft and feminine. Anything but practical. It had a light pink floral pattern, a sweetheart neckline, and floaty sleeves. The bodice was fitted with a skirt that flared out. It made her want to spin around, but she refrained.
She’d curled her hair and swiped shadow on her eyelids and gloss on her lips, along with the mascara she usually wore.
For a moment, Rori didn’t recognize herself. There was joy in her eyes and her smile was positively beaming. She felt… pretty, which wasn’t something she often thought of herself as being.
Was she changing how she presented herself because she thought Lee might like this better? Or was this how she’d always wanted to dress?
You don’t need that frilly dress. It’s not practical, and it’s a waste of money.
Her mother’s voice echoed in her mind, and as Rori looked at herself in her new dress, she could see that her mom hadn’t been wrong. It wasn’t practical, and it probably was a waste of money. But it had only cost her a few dollars.
However, even if it had cost more, for once, she didn’t care.
After smiling at her reflection, Rori went to put on her sandals, then with keys and purse in hand, she left her apartment.
As she neared the church a few minutes later, nerves fluttered in her stomach. Even though she’d taken longer to get ready, she was still early for the service.
Opening the car door, Rori climbed out, then made her way to the doors of the church. When she stepped inside, she saw that plenty of people were there already, but a quick glance showed her that none of them was Lee.
She moved through the foyer to the entrance of the sanctuary. There weren’t as many people in the large space, and most of those who were there already were on the stage at the instruments.
Unwilling to retrace her steps into the foyer, Rori instead walked to the far side of the sanctuary and took a seat in the very back row. She’d wait there until she saw someone else to sit with.
People gradually filtered in, slowly filling up the pews. She was starting to wonder if any of the Halversons, aside from Gareth—who was at the drums—was actually coming to church that day. Then she saw Jay and Misha walk in with Peyton. They headed down the center aisle to the pew where they usually sat.
Rori kept watching for Lee, and when she finally saw him, her heartbeat increased, pounding hard in her chest.
But then her heart plummeted when she saw Carisa by his side, along with an older couple. Charli and Janessa followed, with Blake, Will, and the girls trailing them.
The group walked down to where Jay and Misha were standing. Rori’s gaze followed them, but no one looked in her direction.
She dropped her gaze to her lap, clutching her phone tightly. In that moment, she realized how desperately she’d hoped that the time she’d spent with Lee, and the way he’d taken care of her, had actually meant something.
But here he was, showing that same care to Carisa on her first time at church. And Rori couldn’t even hate either of them. Caring was just Lee’s nature, and Carisa was sweet and kind…
How stupid she’d been to think that she was special to Lee. That he might be interested in her beyond friendship.
With everything he’d done for her, he was just being a good friend. And she did need friends.
But friends she had feelings for who didn’t feel the same way? She wasn’t sure she needed any of those.
Rori wanted to walk out, but something kept her in her seat. When the music started, she blew out a breath and looked up. The pews around her were all pretty much filled, though people continued to trickle in.
Her gaze found Lee again in time to see him shift in his seat and glance toward the back. But since they were on the same side, and he was seated close to the end of the aisle with Carisa beside him, he didn’t turn far enough to see her.
If he was even looking for her.
She was headed for heartache again. But what else was new?
As they were standing for the first song, she felt a touch on her shoulder and turned to see Jackson beside her. He leaned down and pointed to the pew on the other side of her.
“Is someone sitting there?”
Rori shook her head, then stepped out into the aisle so he could scoot in. She could have just moved down, but she wanted to make a pretty quick exit after the service. The last thing she wanted was to get trapped and forced into a conversation with Jackson.
He didn’t stand right next to her, leaving about six inches between them, which she appreciated. Like she’d told his mom, he seemed like a nice man, but he just wasn’t the man her heart wanted.
Though earlier she’d been interested in what the sermon might be about, Rori now struggled to keep her mind on the service. She so deeply wanted to understand the faith that surrounded her new life, but the ache in her heart was a distraction.
While the sermon might have been hard for her to grasp, the music once again drew her in, offering her solace and hope. The songs were becoming more familiar to her, though she still needed the words that were projected up on the screen.
The one that touched her the most was the song they’d sung just before the pastor closed the service. Jesus Lover of My Soul.The poetic flow of the words was of a style she never would have thought would appeal to her.
However, its lyrics were a balm to the pain in her heart, especially the second verse.
Other refuge have I none;hangs my helpless soul on thee;leave, ah! leave me not alone,still support and comfort me.All my trust on thee is stayed,all my help from thee I bring;cover my defenseless headwith the shadow of thy wing.
She’d felt alone a lot throughout her life, and the thing that kept drawing her back to church was the idea that regardless of who was or wasn’t in her life, God could be a constant.
Still, when the service ended, she was eager to get away.
“Are you joining us this afternoon?” Jackson asked after they were dismissed.
“Not this time.” Also, she had no idea what the plans for that afternoon were since Lee hadn’t mentioned anything to her about them. “I’ve got some other plans.”
“That’s a shame,” Jackson said, his gaze friendly. His smile grew a bit, then he said, “By the way, you look nice.”
They were words she enjoyed hearing, but Jackson wasn’t the one she wanted to hear them from.
“Thank you for the compliment.” She gave him a smile that felt weak, but she hoped it was enough. “I better scoot. I’ll talk to you later.”
“For sure.”
She ignored the curious look in Jackson’s eyes as she turned and hurried toward the exit of the sanctuary, eager to leave before anyone else tried to stop her. She didn’t have to worry about Essie or Al because they were once again visiting their pregnant daughter for the weekend.
As she stepped into the sunshine, Rori lifted her face to the cloudless sky for a moment. She didn’t want to be cooped up in her apartment all afternoon, so whatever she decided to do, it had to be outdoors.
Though she wanted to explore the area more, Rori needed to have a conversation with Essie first, to see what suggestions she had for where to go. Also, she would prefer to go exploring when Essie and Al were around in case something happened. She knew that they’d come rescue her if need be.
The Halversons would probably help her, too, but they’d already done so much for her. She would hate to have to call on them for more.
Once she got home, she went to her chest of drawers and pulled out a pair of denim shorts and a tank top. It was a hot day, and if she was going to be outside, she wanted to be dressed accordingly.
She took her dress—that she had worn for less than three hours—and carefully hung it on a hanger. Then she placed it on the rod behind all the other clothes in the closet. She didn’t want a reminder of that day, so it was going to hang there for awhile.
After she had changed, Rori went to the kitchen and packed a lunch for herself. She’d been to the library earlier that week—thankfully, they had late hours a few days a week—and gotten herself a library card.
Now she had a stack of books to help pass the time when she wasn’t working, and she looked through them before picking one and putting it in her backpack. She had ebooks on her phone, but sometimes she liked to hold a book as she read it.
When she left the apartment, Rori had her backpack, camera bag, and a blanket that she planned to use to sit on. She’d decided to go back to the park, since that was the outdoor place she knew the best.
Even if the Halversons decided to come to the park, it was big enough they shouldn’t run into each other, especially since she had a feeling they usually stayed in the same area. And this time, she’d avoid the garden.
There was a small creek that ran through a corner of the park, and she planned to see how close she could get to it. There would be plenty to take pictures of around that area.
She slowly drove through the park, searching for a spot near the creek where she could set up. When she finally found one, Rori pulled in to park along the side of the road, then she got out and retrieved her bags and the blanket.
There were a few picnic tables in the area, but they all had people gathered around them. That didn’t matter, however, since she didn’t want a table.
Instead, she crossed the grass to find a spot nearer the creek under a large shade tree, where thankfully, there weren’t too many people. In a matter of moments, she had her blanket spread out.
Rori settled onto the blanket, facing the creek, and opened her backpack. Pulling the book out, she set it on her lap, then removed the sandwich and bottle of water.
But instead of eating or reading, she stared out at the creek and the trees surrounding it. For the first time since leaving the church, she acknowledged the pain she’d felt that morning.
It was a familiar pain, one that she’d learned to live with. What had happened that morning—what she’d allowed to happen—was more like having a long-time bruise punched. The pain was deep right then, but it would dull after a time. It always did.
She had to be more careful about exposing her heart, and she definitely needed to lower her expectations of the interactions she had with the new people in her life. They were offering her friendship, and that was fine. That was more than she’d had before.
Unwrapping her sandwich, she stared down at it, remembering the meals she’d shared with Lee and his family. They always thanked God for the food before they ate.
Would God hear her thanks? Would He even care that she was thanking Him?
It couldn’t hurt, though, right?
Closing her eyes, Rori silently sent up a prayer. Heavenly Father… Thank you for the food you’ve provided for me. In Jesus’ na— She paused and swallowed hard. Could You also please help me to not feel this pain? Help me not to want people to care about me more than they’re able. Thank you. Amen.
She didn’t feel any different, so maybe God hadn’t heard her prayer. Her heart sank at the thought. And when she lifted the sandwich and took a bite, she didn’t taste the peanut butter and raspberry jam she’d spread on the bread earlier.
It felt worse, somehow, to think that even God didn’t care. Her life had always been insignificant to everyone but the grandmother she’d spent the first ten years of her life with.
Did she have a purpose on this earth?
The pastor had said that everyone had a purpose. That God had created everyone for a purpose. Their primary purpose was to glorify Him, but there were other purposes, too.
Perhaps she didn’t have a secondary purpose in her life because she hadn’t fulfilled her primary purpose.
But how was she supposed to do that? She didn’t know how that worked.
Maybe she needed to talk to Essie. The woman took her faith seriously, so she probably had the answers Rori needed.
Rori knew that Essie had a busy life, but hopefully the woman would have a few minutes to spend with her talking about it all.
There was nothing more she could do about that right then, so she turned her attention to the book in her lap, opened it to the first page, and took another bite of her sandwich. Unfortunately, the words on the page weren’t enough to fully distract her. Finally, she put the book aside and dug out her camera.
After deciding on the lens she wanted, Rori got up and approached the creek. Water burbled over the rocks as it flowed past.
She crouched down on the bank and lifted the camera to her eye, aiming it at the water. Thankfully, the camera did what the book hadn’t been able to. It shifted her focus to the nature she found so beautiful.
It calmed her a bit, and the hurt dulled ever so slightly. She was finally able to breathe without feeling like there was a vise around her chest.
“Rori?”
She froze, wondering for a moment if she was imagining Lee’s voice. A glance over her shoulder told her that she wasn’t.
Rori took her time getting up and turning to face him so that she could prepare herself for this conversation.
“Hey,” Lee said with a warm smile. He stood with his hands in the pockets of his khaki cargo pants, his broad chest filling out his dark green tank top.
“Hey.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t see you at church this morning,” he said. “But Jackson said he sat with you.”
“He came in late, I guess, and there was space on the pew next to me.”
“He also said you had plans for this afternoon.”
She nodded. “I wasn’t sure about letting him know that they weren’t super important plans.”
“I get that,” Lee said with a huff of laughter. He glanced over at the blanket. “Are you enjoying your afternoon?”
Her gaze dropped without her permission, so she forced herself to look back up at him. “It’s been nice.”
“Would you like to come hang out with us?”
Rori hesitated, torn about what to say. Did she want to hang out with Lee and his family? Absolutely yes. Did she want to hang out with Lee, his family, and Carisa? She wasn’t so sure about that.
But how was she supposed to know if Carisa was there?
“You should come,” he said. “I don’t know if you saw, but Carisa was at church with her parents this morning. Charli invited her to join us, too. C’mon. It’ll be fun.”
When Rori didn’t respond, Lee continued. “And you won’t have to take a bunch of family photos since you took them all last week.”
“I didn’t mind that,” Rori said, still trying to figure out if she wanted to be with the Halversons enough to watch Lee and Carisa together.
“Do you really not want to come?” Lee asked, his brow furrowed. “I don’t want to force you.”
“I do want to come,” she told him, but then stumbled around for a plausible reason why she was also hesitating. “It’s just that, I’m… I’m… scared, I guess.”
“Scared? Did someone do or say something to you?”
She shouldn’t have said that. “No! Of course not.”
Lee crossed his arms and shifted his weight to one leg. “Then what do you mean?”
Rori needed a shovel to dig her way out of the hole she found herself in. She hadn’t meant to share what she did, but the words had just come tumbling out. And now she had to decide if she was going to be honest with Lee.
In the end, she just couldn’t lie to him, even though speaking the truth once again made her vulnerable.
“I don’t like to get too close to people,” she began, hesitantly. “Because it usually doesn’t work out well for me.”
Lee stared at her for a long moment, then said, “That’s not going to happen this time around, Rori. I won’t let it. If you consider us friends, we’ll always be that. And not just friends, but great friends.”
With tears stinging her eyes, Rori clutched the camera. How should she take that? Was Lee speaking for his whole family? Or was he speaking for himself?
“I could… I could use some friends,” Rori admitted, which was why getting close scared her so much. She’d allowed herself to think that her desire for good friends would finally be realized.
“To tell you the truth, so could I,” Lee said. “I left my friend group in Chicago, and all the guys I had as friends growing up have moved away from Serenity. So I have lots of family, but not many friends.”
But could she be okay with just being his friend and having to watch when he found the woman he wanted to be more than just friends with?
Maybe she’d go this one time and leave that problem for future Rori.
“You’re sure the others won’t mind.”
“I’m positive.”
“Okay. Just let me pack up my stuff.”
After she put her camera away, Lee held her backpack open for her so she could return the book and the remainder of her lunch to it. He helped her fold up the blanket, then they walked over to where her car was parked.
“We’re in the same spot as last time,” he said after she’d put the bags and blanket in the back seat of her car.
When Lee’s car pulled out from ahead of her, Rori glanced in her side mirror, then followed him. She hoped that she wasn’t making a mistake, but only time would tell.
After they’d both parked, Lee waited at the trunk of his car for her to join him, then they walked across the grass to where the group had gathered.
“Look who I found,” Lee announced as they arrived at the blanket.
“Who you found?” Charli asked. “Or who you went looking for?”
“I drove past her car and recognized it, so I stopped to talk.”
“Well, however it happened, I’m just glad you’re here,” Charli said as she approached Rori with a smile. “Come get some food.”
The others were already sitting down with plates of food in their laps, but they all called out greetings.
“Is Carisa coming, Lee?” Janessa asked.
“I think she planned to, but she said she wouldn’t be here right away.”
“Well, there’s plenty of food, so eat up.”
Rori wasn’t sure if she should decline or not, but she also didn’t want to be rude. So she took the plate Lee held out to her and began to put food on it.
It was basically the same fare as last week, so she built herself a turkey sandwich, though it wasn’t as stacked as the previous one since she wasn’t hungry thanks to her PBJ earlier.
“Hey, I’m glad you made it,” Jackson said as Rori sat down on the edge of the blanket. Lee set his plate beside her, then headed for the drink cooler. “Guess I wasn’t the right person to issue the invitation.”
“I’m sorry.”
Jackson laughed. “Just kidding. I know I didn’t actually invite you. I only asked about your plans. Regardless, I’m glad you’re here, even if it’s because of Lee and not me.”
Rori felt her cheeks flush, so she looked down at her plate, hoping to hide them. Were her feelings for Lee so obvious?
“Here you go, Rori,” Lee said, holding out a can of soda, revealing he remembered what she liked from last time.
Thanking him, she took the can. Her heart skipped a beat at the smile he had for her.
When he settled down on the blanket beside her, Lee was close enough for his knee to bump hers. And his nearness created conflicting responses inside her. Her mind was sending out lots of warnings, but her heart was glowing with hope.
It was like she just couldn’t protect herself around these people.
Especially Lee.