Chapter 10
CHAPTER 10
ELLIS
Ever since Silas said it six months ago, I’ve come to realize how right he was.
My timing is shit.
In fact, I realize this has regularly been the case for me throughout my life. I got my teen girlfriend pregnant. Hell, even before that, it’d taken me longer to accept that my feelings for her went beyond friendship, making my timing slower than it should’ve been. I didn’t get to Silas in time to prevent his accident last summer.
Even today, my timing is off. I got to Main Street forty-five minutes earlier than I meant to and have been sitting in my truck, watching the sun burn through the marine layer in short, occasional bursts. Every time it does, it shines on the olive-painted brick of Savvy Bakes and makes it glow a brighter green, like some beacon drawing me in.
Still, after getting this particular shit wrong so many times before with Wren, I can be patient and wait a bit longer, now…
And I know what I told Silas that same day he brought these issues to my attention, but from the moment I saw Wren on Thanksgiving, I still found myself needing to try. I took a slice of pie with me and tried to sit near her in the living room after dinner, thinking I’d start up a conversation and that seeing me enjoy something she made would help.
It didn’t. She avoided me more than usual and seemed totally put off by my nearness that night. And I tried to let it go, I really did.
I took the winter (my slow work season) and committed myself toward everything I knew I needed to do. Fisher got me a recommendation for a therapist from his, and I started meeting with her. I went to work. I used the gym at work. I fixed the things around the house that needed to be fixed. I helped whenever someone asked for help. I kept tabs on my family as best I could. I made sure Sam applied for the scholarships he was eligible to apply for, and I met with the accountant that manages the college fund Wren and I have for him. We’ve sacrificed and limited enough of our spending to cover four years of tuition. He’ll have to get a job and he’ll have to buy his textbooks used, but we should be able to help and supplement him when needed.
It was December when I thought I could use that college account as an excuse to try to talk with her again, but I got too far ahead of myself and swung by her place without calling first. Sam was surprised when he greeted me, and he told me she was out on a date. I didn’t sleep that night, then later opted to have that conversation over the phone, where I detected nothing beyond her usual cool manners.
My slow season happens to be Wren’s second busiest outside of the summer tourist months, so I found myself making excuses to start going to the bakery throughout December, hoping to see any sort of clue that there was something still there that I could grab onto between us. The first two times I went in, she seemed fraz zled and confused when I ordered something at the counter, then slipped off into the back before I could try to make conversation. The third time I went in, she looked downright annoyed to see me.
When she didn’t come to Christmas, I started to accept that I was too late and that she didn’t want anything to do with me in that way again.
I occasionally heard about her going on more dates, when Sam or Silas let something slip. I kept every reaction in check. Told myself it was punishment for not coming clean about the letters.
Seeing it was different. Starhopper had its grand opening party over New Year’s, and when I walked out onto the restaurant deck that night, I spotted her laughing with some guy I didn’t recognize, wearing what I assume was his jacket. I immediately turned around and left before I could do something stupid. I’d wasted so much time telling myself we were just being good parents, giving each other the world’s most careful distance for our son. Really I was just too coward to fight.
When I admitted all of this to my therapist, she helped me try to see it from a new point of view. She told me how lucky I was to still hold the mother of my son in such high esteem, because it’s rarely the case between a divorced couple. She encouraged me to try to find closure, to consider dating myself.
When she suggested that I tell Wren about the letters from fall, I still couldn’t. It was hard for me to explain, but it’s like… like seeing that she had no active interest in reopening something between us made it seem both pointless and wrong that I’d been doing it without her knowing. It was a freak chance that I got her package and her letter, because that’s just what life is: a bunch of circumstances that make relationships more difficult, with the odd lucky chance thrown in. I thought I had to learn to be happy for the chances we’d already had.
By the time February came and went, I’d accepted it more. I started to feel gratitude for what we had. I even felt grateful for those letters, even though they reminded me of what I lost. I felt like I might be able to get some real closure now that I was choosing to work toward it.
I found myself genuinely hoping that she’d find love like what we had. Find something better, even.
I still didn’t feel like I belonged to myself enough to give anything to someone new, though.
I didn’t go to the bakery at all in March. All these things I was working on thinking and feeling were easier when I didn’t see her too much.
It was the second official day of spring when Sam called and asked me to meet over at Wren’s, saying he had something to show both of us. I wandered into her kitchen after she let me in without so much as a glance spared my way and was opening a cabinet to get a glass for some water, when something caught my eye.
My name, handwritten on a piece of paper. In handwriting that I absolutely recognized.
All that perspective I’d been carefully crafting was gone in an instant.
Probably, a better man would have hesitated to read the rest of it, but I sure as fuck didn’t.
And right then and there, I knew there was hope. I’ve never grabbed on to a feeling so fast or so tight.
So, while my timing is indeed shit, while I’ve done things in the wrong order too many times before and almost missed my chance again, this time, I’m not going to give up without a fight.
I see Wren flip around the Closed sign in the distance, and that’s my cue.