Chapter 33 - Olivia
THIRTY-THREE - Olivia
“Iwas going to say that you have a lot of tension in your back, but I can't feel any. Your body is relaxed from your neck to your ass.”
Q lets out a laugh as he presses his thumb into the middle of my back, while his other hand squeezes the spot between my neck and shoulder.
He's straddling me while I lie on my stomach, feeling like the luckiest woman in the world while he massages me for aftercare. There are no tears today. No need to cuddle up and wrap my arms around Q’s waist until I'm able to think clearly again.
No panic attack. No sub drop. While what we did was certainly enough to cause it, I'm feeling great right now. Q brings both hands to my shoulders and rubs them with just enough tension for it to hurt so very good. When this thing between us started, I told him I needed him to be my relief valve, and he has mastered his role. Hell, that’s an understatement.
He has aced the assignment and elevated his role to god status.
The dynamic between us has reached new heights in the past week or so.
Q isn't the same man he was when I first saw him during that meeting about the Judge Knight emails. I remember calling him into my office and seeing the confidence wafting off of him, but also recognizing the wall he had up. That wall kept him from really accepting who he was, and all he needed was a little push to break that wall and turn it into dust. Now he wears his darkness like a fine suit, filled with pride as he struts around, daring anyone to challenge him. It looks so good on him that I find myself grinning when I see him. His transformation has been beautiful to watch, and it’s starting to feel like it might actually be complete.
He's the man he was always meant to become—dominant, confident, brilliant, caring, loving, passionate, and fearless.
All the boxes checked on a list of the perfect man.
I'm proud of him, and even happier than I get to benefit from his ascendence.
As for me, nothing has really changed. While Q is looking like a walking picture of perfection, how I feel about what we’re doing hasn't shifted.
I still want to be taken seriously in my industry, and run my father's company like the boss he always wanted me to be.
Seeing Q evolve doesn't mean I have to. I was the woman I wanted to be before I met him, and at thirty-five years old, I'm not looking to change for anyone, especially a man.
He's great, but I'm focused. So I enjoy the massage knowing that we’ll be back at Obsidian tomorrow, doing our final preparations for the East-World Bank proposal.
That will be my number one focus, because I refuse to let this opportunity slip by because I'm distracted by infatuation or Q’s ability to dickmatize me.
Once I've locked up the EWB account, I will gladly return to my place on my knees in front of him to celebrate, but I will not rearrange my priorities.
“Of course I'm relaxed,” I reply. “After what we just did, how could I not be? I have to admit that my throat and mouth are a little sore, though. Too bad you can't massage that.”
He pauses for a second and I know he's smiling. “Yeah, that’s too bad … but I'm not mad about it. I like making you sore. There's something about knowing that the soreness is a reminder of me and what I've done to you. It puts a devilish little smile on my face.”
“I bet it does,” I say with a giggle. “You want me walking around the office thinking about your cock down my throat? That makes you happy?”
He laughs out loud. “Of course it does.”
“You really are a sadist, aren't you?”
“Oh, absolutely,” he answers proudly. “Listening to you gag earlier made me weak in the fucking knees, baby girl. I don't deny it.”
“Well, luckily for you, it was hot for me, too.”
We share a laugh before Q focuses his attention on my lower back, sliding himself down until his hands can reach the area just above my ass.
I'm naked but covered by the sheets, while he's only wearing his pants.
The room smells like sex and the humidity is dialed all the way up, but this is heaven.
There is no other place I would rather be right now.
“Speaking of walking around the office,” Q says. “Are you ready for the EWB pitch? Tomorrow is our last day to prep.”
“I know,” I reply. “Yeah, I'm ready. I've learned everything I can about Joel Epson, and I'm ready to go kill it. From what I understand, the guy’s a prick, but I'm confident.”
“Yeah, I haven't heard anything good about him either, but if it goes south, I’ll be there to help you out. I got you.”
The smile that has been pulling at my lips since the moment this massage began slowly dissolves. “Well, I appreciate it, but I think I've got it under control. I don't need you to save me or anything.”
“Of course you don't,” Q quickly says, hearing the change in my tone even though I tried to hide it.
“I'm just saying that if the asshole starts being the asshole he's known to be, I got you. It’s my job as CISO for one, but I think I've made it clear that I won't allow anyone to disrespect you. You belong to me, remember?”
As hot frustration quickly warms my body, I turn my head to the side so that Q can see my face.
“Right. I belong to you … when we’re acting out BDSM scenes together.
When you're my Dom and I'm your sub. When we’re down here in the playhouse, Q. Not all the time. We’re still on the same page about that, right? ”
Q’s hands suddenly stop pressing against the small of my back.
He removes them from my body completely and sits up straight.
“Yeah, we’re on the same page, but I was starting to feel like things were shifting a bit.
After Wonderland and me putting Stephen and Nick in their place, I thought …
well, I thought you understood that my ownership of you extends outside of this playhouse. ”
My body goes from warm to being on fire, and I turn myself all the way around, forcing Q off of me so I can look at him in his face.
“Right, but that’s only to a certain extent.
I know that what happened in the parking lot at Wonderland was special, and yeah, I thought it was hot, but I still meant what I said when we first started out.
Don't go trying to get serious on me or anything. That’s not what you're doing, is it?
I don't want to mess up what we have, but don't go breaking the rules.”
“The rules. So, we’re going back to the idea that I should be abiding by rules again,” he says, his words steaming with exasperation. “You said the same thing at Wonderland, and look how that night ended up.”
“Yeah, you took control of the situation and it was great, but come on, Q. Nothing’s changed.
Especially with the EWB thing happening so soon, you know I have to stay focused the way I always have been.
You know how important this is to me. All of it—Obsidian, EWB, being a CEO, my father.
You know what this is, so don't get too far ahead of yourself.
Yes, I'm yours when we fuck, but that’s it.
Don't tell me the lines are blurring for you, because they aren't blurring for me.
We had a good night tonight. It was spectacular. Don't ruin it.”
Q takes a moment to stare at me, almost as if he suddenly doesn't recognize me anymore and needs extra time to make sure I'm still Olivia.
I can tell he's upset, and I understand it.
I'm upset that he's seemingly trying to take us down a road that we don't belong on, and I'm upset at myself for feeling like I wouldn't mind travelling down that road with him.
I like him more than I've ever liked anyone, and that’s terrifying because I know what that could lead to.
I don't have time for that. So, I have to kill those feelings before they have a chance to blossom into something too beautiful to throw away.
“So let me get this straight,” Q says, moving to the side and sitting on the edge of the bed, the muscles in his back still shimmering with sweat. “You're telling me that after everything we've talked about and been through, you feel absolutely nothing for me. Is that what you're saying?”
“Of course I feel something for you, Q,” I answer, making sure to be careful with my words. “But this isn't love, and it won't ever be. Love can be very distracting to someone like me, and I don't want to be distracted from the path I've been on. I can't allow myself to need anybody.”
“I'm not asking if you need me, Olivia. I know you don't. I'm asking if you care about me at all. If you feel anything for me.”
“Yeah,” I say, sitting up. “I like you the same way I did when we first agreed to this dynamic. That’s it, and I don't like the way this conversation is going. It’s getting tense and sounding way too much like an argument—our second one, actually, which is two too many for people who aren't in a relationship. So, I’m going to go upstairs and take a shower, and you can just see yourself out, alright. ”
“See myself out? You’re being serious right now?”
“Yes, I am. I need to make sure that there is a bold line drawn between where we are now and where a serious, budding relationship is. I am not going to cross that line, so if all of this is confusing you, then I’ll be the one to make sure it’s clear.
So I'm going to go up, we’ll have a final meeting tomorrow at the office to review the proposal one last time, and we can talk again after the pitch. Alright?”
“You're saying alright as if I have a choice,” he says, frowning hard as I start climbing off the bed and pulling sheets with me to cover my body.
“You don't right now,” I say.
“So, you're ending this?” he asks, and for reasons I don't know or like, my heart drops just from hearing those words.
“Of course not,” I reply a little too quickly, and have to clarify. “Look, I'm saying maybe we need some distance to make sure we’re not getting confused.”
“To make sure I'm not getting confused.”
I swallow, wondering if I'm talking about myself or him.
“Have a good night, Quinn.”
“Wow,” he says, but I turn around and start walking toward the stairs anyway.
I know he's pissed, and maybe even a little confused. I've told him multiple times that I'm his and that I belong to him, but that was just heat of the moment stuff. That was the dynamic talking. Nothing more.
I can't let it be anything more than that, no matter how good he makes me feel, or how much I find myself wanting him during the day.
I had a plan coming into this, and I'm not changing it now.
So, it doesn't matter that I haven't heard him move an inch from the spot I left him in. I start my way up the stairs with silence screaming behind me, and I breathe deeply as I reach the top. My father told me to focus on my excellence, and that’s what I'm going to do.
Focus on me … and completely ignore the pain that hums with each heartbeat.