Chapter 38 - Olivia
THIRTY-EIGHT - Olivia
“Hey, Dad,” I say aloud as I look down at the gray tombstone with the words Diego Lucero etched into it.
The surrounding grass is perfectly green and completely devoid of weeds.
It’s the perfect area for my father to rest, but it doesn't decrease the agony I feel in my chest when I look at it, because even after months of him being gone, I know he's not supposed to be here.
There is so much for my father and I to talk about.
I know that if he wouldn't have died, I wouldn't be in charge of Obsidian right now unless he randomly decided to retire and hand it to me, but that doesn't change the fact that I wish he was here to talk to. We’ve come so far as a company and been through so much since he died, and I would love nothing more than to hear his voice talk me through it.
I'm so alone without him and it breaks my heart all over again every single time I think about it.
There is no getting over losing a parent, and the moments that are the hardest remind you that they aren't there to guide you or offer words of wisdom. The crack in my heart will never heal. Now all I have is these moments—dragging myself up a grassy hill to stare down at a tombstone with his name on it, but never getting to hear his response. It’s agony, yet I need it like I need air.
After Eden left my car yesterday, I didn't know what else to do.
The desire to celebrate the EWB deal never manifested in my heart, and I didn't know if it was because I wasn't the one who made the deal a reality, or because the man who did was someone I'm trying to keep myself from falling for.
I know how great Quinn is, and I'm sure my father would've loved him, but my dad’s death has done something to me that I didn't recognize until now. It made me obsessed with being what he wanted me to be. I was always focused on my own success because I was raised that way, but him leaving Obsidian to me made my hyperfixate on the company and Dad’s dream of me running and protecting it for him.
Not only did it become my top priority, it became my only priority, making my obsession with my independence even more off the charts.
Usually, when I date people there are obvious flaws present that make it easy for me to latch onto a reason we shouldn't be together.
There's a headache that they cause that I can't ignore, and I simply lean on that reasoning when it’s time to end it.
But with Quinn, he doesn't give me a headache.
His biggest problem is that he does everything I want him to do exactly the way I want him to do it.
I have nothing to lean on, yet I'm still trying to lean and it’s the reason I'm falling.
Even Eden sees it, and I have nowhere else to turn but to this cemetery.
I look at Dad’s grave and feel tears start to sting my eyes. I hate crying, and I reserve the act for those I love. The problem today is that I don't know if I'm crying because I miss my father, or because of Quinn.
“I miss you,” I say as the tears start to fall.
“I miss you more than I can put into words, and I wish I could call you so we can talk about all of this.
Getting the East-World Bank deal almost doesn't seem fair without you here to witness it. Signing that contract is going to be the best day in Obsidian’s history, and you should be here to see it.
Life is so unfair, Dad. You not being here is so fucking unfair.
When I need you most, my speech is only met with silence.
So how the hell am I supposed to figure all of this out without you?
“I've always known the type of woman you wanted me to be.
Every time I accomplished something in my life, you always told me how proud you were, and making you proud became my sole focus when I was still a little girl.
After you died, I think I grew more attached to that focus.
You wanted me to take over your company and protect it from harm, and I've been obsessed with doing that.
I've been consumed by being what you always wanted me to be, but now someone else has entered my life and I don't know how to continue being what you want while letting him in.
I'm scared that falling for him will change what matters to me.
How can I be your daughter if he becomes my top priority?
“I'm so terrified of letting you down,” I say, my voice merely a whimper now as sobs make my vocal chords quiver.
“I think it might be my biggest fear. An only child doesn't want to let their parent down whether in life or death, and I'm scared that giving myself to Quinn will ruin your impression of me, and I'm sorry, Dad.
I know that I'm a grown woman, and I should be able to make these decisions with ease because I'm thirty-five years old, but you were all I had my entire life, and I don't know how to move on right now.
I'm stuck in place because you left so suddenly … and … fuck, I wish you were here.”
As heavy sobs begin to rack my body, I drop down to one knee before completely succumbing to my emotions and sitting in the grass.
I lean against Dad’s tombstone and hug it like it’s him, weeping into the stone until my tears create a puddle on top of it that sends streaks down the side.
While I cry, I think about everything I've been through, letting the moment become cathartic and heartbreaking. I accept it, knowing that when it’s all finished, I have to transform.
I don't want to get up from this spot with the same level of confusion I had.
Let this be rock bottom, and let me grow from here.
The whole time I was focusing on Quinn accepting himself, I should've been paying more attention to myself.
Now it’s my turn to ascend.
Sobs turn to whimpers that eventually downgrade to sniffles and drawn out sighs, and by the time I’ve composed myself, I know what needs to happen next.
As if my father is crouching behind me with his arms wrapped around my shoulders, his voice whispering the solution into my ear like a secret just between us, I know that I have to be easier on myself.
I have to live my life for me, and not for my dad.
I have to learn how to be what I want to be, while also accepting that it’s okay to want something else.
It’s okay to be ambitious, it’s okay to be independent, and it’s okay to accept help.
If I ever want to be happy and worthy of someone’s love, I have to open up and let them in.
Otherwise, all I will ever have is work. I want more than that. I want love.
I want Quinn.
With a final sniff, I pull myself together and give the headstone a final squeeze before I stand up.
Once I'm upright, I look up to the sky as if my father is up there looking down on me.
I've never been a spiritual or religious girl, but I understand the sentiment because I feel better believing that he's watching me from up above, smiling as I make the right decision.
“I love you, Daddy. I hope I keep making you proud,” I whisper before kissing my fingers and gently placing them atop the headstone. Then I let out a sigh of relief and walk away, knowing that I'm walking toward a happier future.