Chapter Twenty-One
S t. Mary’s was approximately fifteen minutes away. I dialed Chase on the way. My heart was battering in my chest as I waited for him to answer.
“Jillian.” His tone was one of relief, and I felt like the biggest bitch who’d ever lived.
“Chase, are you at the hospital?” I blurted out quickly.
“Yes, how—”
“Why? What’s happening?”
“I’m here with Hazel—”
“Oh, my God.”
“Jillian, it’s fine. She’s fine. Her grandmother will be here soon, and then I’m leaving to come over. I’ll explain it all then, but I have to get going now.”
“Chase, I’m already on my way there.”
I managed to get the room number even after he told me it wasn’t necessary to make the trip. I was almost there anyway. He told me she was fine, but I still had that pit in my stomach. She was such a sweet little girl, and I hated the thought of her lying on a hospital bed.
I rushed to the children’s wing and searched for room 205. Was it even visiting hours? I didn’t care, and no one was stopping me. I heard the strumming first before I found it. The door was ajar, and I peeked inside. Chase was in a chair pushed beside the bed, guitar in his lap, playing a Guns N’ Roses song.
“Is that appropriate?” I asked, stepping inside.
His smile took up his entire face. “She requested it.”
“Jillian!”
I went to Hazel’s side and gave her a once-over. She appeared okay. “Hi, sweetie.” I pushed her bangs off her forehead. “How are you feeling?” I had so many questions.
“Good.”
I suddenly remembered the key chain lounging around in my bag. Perfect. I reached in for the pink guitar and pushed the button, activating the music. Her face lit up as I handed it to her. “This is for you, Hazel.”
“Oh, thank you. I love it!”
Such a simple thing, but it seemed to make her happy, and that made my heart swell. Her grandmother, Linda, came in then, all flustered and harried. I didn’t hear what Chase said to her, but after a hello and a dozen thank yous, we left the room with Chase waving.
“Bye, Hazelnut,” Chase said, and she waved to both of us. As soon as we were in the hall, he set down his guitar case and pulled me close. “That was awesome of you, Jillian.”
“What, the little key chain? It was just—” He kissed me then, and I let all the weight dissolve. Everything that had piled on me from the day. What was left was pure guilt, and I pulled back. “Chase, I’m so sorry for not responding before, I—”
He placed his finger over my lips, silencing me again. “It’s okay. I love that you’re here now.”
“What’s wrong with Hazel?”
“Come, let’s walk.” He picked up his case and took my hand. “It’s nothing that isn’t expected from time to time. She has a kidney condition and suffers relapses. Linda’s husband died a couple years back, so she’s Hazel’s sole supporter. She can’t afford to leave her job all the time or she’ll lose it. That’s when I step in. I stay with Hazel until Linda can get there. I will never let her be in this place alone if I can help it.”
“Is she going to be okay?”
“I’m optimistic.” He squeezed my hand. “I wanted to let you know sooner why I had to postpone, but I—”
“Stop, Chase.” This time, I interrupted him. I know he’d never try to make me feel like a piece of shit, but that’s exactly how I felt. “What you’re doing is wonderful. I was the one who jumped to conclusions after stopping by your place.”
“So you really did stop over?” He seemed pretty happy about that. It came to me then—he did run off to see a young chick. A really young one. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
I nodded. “Your roommate, Trevor. He’s… something.” I felt no need to get into it since I didn’t plan on seeing the dickhead again.
“By something, you mean a fuck-up?” I laughed. Yeah, pretty much. “He wasn’t always like that, but he’s moving out next month anyway. Now, Con? He’s cool. I’m glad he’s staying.”
We came to the front doors and stopped. “Can I take you somewhere,” he asked, “or do you need to get home?”
“No, I’m okay.”
Chase led me out and down the concrete path, wrapping around to the back of the building and into a wooded area. “It’s one of my favorite spots. I used to come here often when I was younger, but this is my first time coming with someone else.”
We went into a small clearing. There was a huge flat rock in the middle of it. I’m not sure what I was expecting, but it wasn’t this. He wrapped his hands around my waist, the contact setting off the familiar zing, and picked me up as if I were nothing. He placed me on the rock before moving around to the other side to join me.
We lay back; it was large enough for us to stretch out, but small enough to keep us touching. I stared up at the sky through the parted treetops. It was twilight, and I could see the first hints of stars above me.
He took my hand in his once again. “Did you used to live around here?” I asked.
“Sometimes I felt like my mom did.” I turned my head toward him, and he smiled softly. “She had rheumatic fever, and it weakened her heart. She spent a lot of time in this hospital. My dad worked two jobs, so I was with her most of the time. Whenever I needed to get away, I’d come to this rock and practice my chords or just zone out and look at the sky.”
I realized that I had no clue about his parents. “Is your mom…?”
“She’s doing well now. Much better than before.” I exhaled slowly. I didn’t know her, but it would have saddened me to learn that something had happened. “I think that’s why I connected instantly with Hazel. She had something similar to my mom, but instead of damaging her heart, it attacked her kidneys.”
God, I couldn’t imagine going through something like that with Daniel. “So, her grandmother has full custody?”
“Yeah. Hazel’s mother died when she was just a baby. Heroin overdose.”
Fuck. My heart constricted. I wanted to do more for that girl than just give her a silly little key chain. “Daniel’s mom left too. He was about one and a half.” Chase shifted his body to the side and faced me. Watched me with irises the color of the softest grass in the summertime. He always made me feel like he was so interested in what I had to say, and that made me comfortable enough to say it. “Although, in her case, we don’t know if she’s dead or alive. She was messed up. Just decided she didn’t want to be a mother anymore and packed up and moved to Florida with some guy. Mike never heard from her again and never pursued it. They weren’t married, and he figured Daniel would have a better life without her.”
I caught my breath, studying his expression. I was revealing more than I normally would, and I didn’t know how he interpreted that. He smiled and gave me a light kiss, and I was encouraged to continue.
“I came into that little boy’s life when he was just shy of two and I was twenty. Mike and I married shortly after. Daniel doesn’t even remember her. I’m the only mom he’s ever known.”
Chase stroked my hair. “That was a lot for you to take on at that age.”
“He means the world to me, Chase. I have to believe that I changed his life. I know he changed mine.”
“And your ex? What happened there?”
A part of me wanted to tape my mouth shut; way too much was spilling free. But the part that needed to talk, that’s the part that won out. “I used to laugh and say it was a package deal. If I wanted to be with Daniel, then I had to accept Mike. We made good parents, but not the best marriage partners. Once Daniel was an adult, there didn’t seem to be any reason to stay together.”
Among other reasons. I wasn’t going to get into the alleged affair because honestly, I couldn’t put all the blame on my ex. Our relationship was over long before Candace came into his office. If it ever started in the first place. Even in the very beginning, my heart never sprouted legs and broke out into a happy dance when Mike put his lips or eyes on me.
I waited to see if Chase would ask more about it, but he didn’t. I guess it was pretty self-explanatory—I’d wanted Daniel in my life more than I’d wanted his father.
The stars were sharpening, painting a portrait across the inky sky. It was a breathtaking show, and we had the perfect seats. Chase gave my hand another pump, and I smiled. It was impossible to help. What was happening to me? I was probably leaking sap all over the rock.
“I’ve been crazy since I met you, Chase. Acting crazy. Thinking crazy.”
“Is that a bad thing?”
“It’s not a me thing. I’m not usually like this. Might as well tack on dressing crazy too. Last night, those clothes… I normally don’t wear stuff like that.”
He laughed. “I figured that, Jillian.”
“And the night we went for Cajun food? The reason my face resembled white crepe paper was because I overdid this cream that was supposed to make me look closer to your age. See? Crazy.”
“Just so I’m clear here, are you trying to be younger or older? Because I’m confused.”
“God, I don’t know.” I covered my face with one hand and shook my head. If he didn’t make me so crazy, I’d probably be able to answer that question.
“Let me give you my opinion. Just be yourself.” He stroked his thumb over my hand, and I closed my eyes. “Do you know how hard it was for me to leave you last night? Do you know how much I wanted to stay? But I didn’t want you to freak out on me.”
“It’s really hard for me, Chase. This… thing with us.” I’d decided that if he was going to listen, I was going to keep talking. “My dad is fourteen years younger than my mom, and that did not end well. It was not a positive experience for her, me, or my brother. The thought of doing that to Daniel or myself... Even a short-term thing can mess up worlds.”
Especially if that short-term thing developed into long-term heartache. I was already too open to him without meaning to be, as if he’d reached his hands into my chest and pried it open while I was knocked out on the table. And by the time I came to, I was permanently altered and couldn’t do a damn thing about it.
It didn’t matter if this “thing” between us lasted one more day or one more year. He was already imprinted on my heart, and I had the scars to prove it.
“I get it.”
“You do?”
“Yeah, I do, but I disagree. There are no guarantees with anything, Wild Horses.”
“True. But the odds were already against us from the beginning.” I opened my eyes again; the view was too beautiful to block out for long. Both above and beside me.
“I’d say the odds were working for us. There’s something to be said about two sexual peaks coming together.”
A little fireball rolled through me. Another thing I felt helpless to control. Yes, our sexual peaks were lining up quite nicely, thank you very much.
“But I’m talking about more than that, Jillian. For one, I love your passion for music because it’s mine as well. I love talking to you about it, experiencing it with you. I know lots of people like it, but you get it, and that means something to me.”
Lying there hand in hand, watching the stars, completely alone as if we were the only two people who mattered was a painful pleasure. It was both perfect and agonizing. As wonderful as it was in the moment, it was not realistic, and it couldn’t last.
“Do you know what I was doing the year you were born, Chase? I was at County Stadium seeing Paul McCartney. Doesn’t that feel weird to you?”
“No, I think it’s pretty cool.”
He broke our grasp and leaned over the rock, grabbing his guitar. The next thing I knew, “Maybe I’m Amazed” was filling the air. I sang along in my head, milking the feeling for all it was worth.
There was no fucking. No multiple orgasms. No making love. There was just being together, talking, and enjoying each other’s company.
And I was okay with that.