Chapter Thirty-Three
“D id you give any more thought to what we discussed?”
I was at the sink scrubbing dishes when Mike came up behind me. He’d only asked me that a dozen times since our initial conversation, and every time I told him the same thing. “Yes, but I’m still undecided,” I said, shifting aside.
It all felt so clinical, like we were negotiating a business contract. In a way, I guess that wasn’t too far off. I was trying to figure out the best course of action while leaving my emotions out of it. On the one hand, I’d be closing myself off to any future relationships, but that was furthest from my mind. On the other, I’d be reuniting our family and settling into a simple life free from drama.
I’d asked him about Candace, but all he’d say was that he was more convinced than ever that she wasn’t the one he wanted to be with—I was. And even if nothing worked out between us, he wasn’t going back to her. I felt like that should somehow mean something to me, but it just didn’t.
“Hey, we should plan something special for Christmas this year.”
“That’s three months away, Mike.” And that’s assuming we’d be together.
“Yeah, but our son will be home. That’s reason to celebrate, right? I know he’s all grown up now, but maybe we could go downtown and check out the square for old times’ sake.”
I smiled. “Okay.”
It didn’t matter how far off I wandered; he could always bring me back with Daniel.
I need to do this more often. It was nice to spend some alone time with just my mom. Frank was out golfing for the day, and I had a client meeting in the area. It’d all just fell together.
We were sitting at the kitchen table, chitchatting and drinking coffee, when she brought up Mike. At recent family meals, I’d nonchalantly mentioned that he was staying there for a while, and besides Perry, no one had made an issue of it.
“How long is he staying, dear?”
“I’m not sure… We’re talking some things over.” I fiddled with my cup, wondering how much to get into. My mom wasn’t one to make her opinions boldly known, but I know she didn’t feel that Mike and I were well-suited for each other as marriage partners.
“And what about that nice boy who accompanied you to the engagement party?”
“What about him, Mom?”
She placed her hand over mine. “I don’t mean to pry, but I just assumed you two were an item. You looked very happy together.”
I was a bit surprised. She’d never brought up Chase before. Ever. A weird, paranoid feeling crept in. Were my mother and Perry in cahoots together?
“As I mentioned before, he was more like a friend. Nothing serious.” I felt a twinge of guilt over lying to her. He wasn’t just a friend to me, but for all intents and purposes, he was that night. That was what we portrayed to everyone.
“I see. I was mistaken then.” I nodded and took a sip of coffee. “And Mike? That could evolve into something serious again?”
I might as well tell her since she could very well be placing another setting at the family table soon. “I’m thinking about it, Mom.” She smiled but didn’t respond. “Do you think it’s a mistake to consider it?” I asked.
“Oh, Jillian. I can’t answer that for you, but the fact that you’re questioning it… Can I ask why the sudden change? This all seemed to happen out of the blue.”
I shrugged. “It all started because he needed a temporary place to stay. Then we just started talking about Daniel and it progressed quickly from there. Mike suggested we try again.”
She drank her coffee and stared out the window. There were several bird feeders close to the patio doors, and we watched the few straggling orioles feast on the oranges my stepfather put out for them. Soon they’d all be gone, relocating to their winter home. I glanced at her face. I could tell she wanted to say something but didn’t want to overstep.
“If you have anything to say, Mom, I’d love to hear it. I really value your opinion.”
She turned toward me, setting her cup down. “I just want you to be happy, dear. And when you were married to Mike, I wouldn’t say you were unhappy, just not as happy as you could be, if that makes sense.”
I nodded. It did, but wasn’t happiness overrated? It was fleeting. Here one day, gone the next.
“The only times I truly saw you light up was around Daniel.”
“I’d do anything for that boy,” I said.
“I know. That’s what worries me.”
I frowned, giving her a questioning look. “I don’t understand.”
She smiled, the softness in her face crinkling. “Do you still want to hear my opinion?”
“Of course.”
“You spent a great deal of your life raising another man’s child.” I opened my mouth to protest, but she squeezed my hand. “I’m not saying it was the wrong decision, nor am I saying he’s not your son. He is, in every way that counts. And I couldn’t consider Daniel more my grandson if he were my own flesh and blood. But my point is that you gave up everything for that boy, including the chance of finding a true love of your own.”
My throat tightened, and I forced down the saliva. I couldn’t help feeling a bit defensive. I already knew that I loved Daniel more than Mike, but so what?
“I never regretted anything, Mom. I did the right thing.”
She nodded. “Yes, and I’m so proud of you for giving a child the chance to have a good life, one filled with so much love. You were unselfish during a period when most are still focused on themselves. Maybe the time has come for you to live your life for you.”
I shook my head. I already did that by starting my business. “It’s okay to admit that it was hard putting another’s needs first all the time, even if it was also fulfilling. It doesn’t mean you love Daniel any less. But he’s no longer a little boy. He’s a grown man, Jillian. He doesn’t need you in the same way, and neither does Mike.”
I rubbed circles over my face, trying to ground myself. I was so blown away at the moment. My mom had never talked like this before. Maybe I’d never given her the opening to do so, but still….
“Do you know when else I saw you light up?” I looked at her, already knowing what she was going to say and already wishing she wouldn’t. “I don’t think Chase was just a friend to you, dear.”
I couldn’t deny it or else I was liable to start crying, and I’d made it this far keeping my tears in check. I wasn’t going to break down now. “You know how old he is, Mom.”
“Yes, I do. Does that make a difference to you?”
“Of course it does.” I gaped at her, wondering how she could speak so calmly. I lightly touched her face. “After everything you’ve been through….”
My mom smiled and took both my hands in hers. “Jillian, dear, please don’t let my past mistakes affect your future happiness.”
“They weren’t your mistakes!” A bubble of protectiveness rose inside me. If she was blaming herself for what happened, I’d hunt my dad down and make him pay.
“Everyone plays a part in everything.”
“No,” I said. “Not in this case.” My father was the one who practically forced my mom to have plastic surgery because she wasn’t beautiful enough for him anymore. Because she was starting to age faster than he wanted her to. It was his fault she had complications. His fault she wore that scar on her face to this day. Then the bastard left her anyway.
“I don’t hold any grudges, and I wish you and your brother didn’t either.” I closed my eyes and jostled my head sharply. My mom was too damned nice. “Look how rich my life is now. I have Frank and my family around me. I came out of this a much stronger and secure person. Your father didn’t make me do anything, Jillian. If I’d held my ground, he wouldn’t have been able to talk me into something I didn’t want to do.”
The floor was crumbling away beneath me. This was another subject my mother never talked about. Ever. “But… Dad was so much younger than you. Even if you never had surgery, there would have still been all those extra problems to deal with.”
Not to mention the added stress Stephen and I went through. Although, he had it worse than I did. Not only did he have to go through Mom’s suffering, but he also had the pleasure of running into one of Dad’s much younger girlfriends.
“No more problems than anyone else in a troubled marriage. The fact that I was older than your father wasn’t relevant. The fact that we weren’t right for each other was.”
I… I didn’t know what to think anymore. “I don’t know what to do, Mom.”
“Just be happy, Jillian.”