Chapter Thirty-Six
I didn’t need to drive. I could have flown. The butterflies were working overtime, and all I would have had to do was let go of the wheel and float all the way there.
Shit, I was going to be sick.
But it was a good sick. A healthy anxiety reminding me how much I hoped for a good outcome. Oh, my God, what if he had another girlfriend already? I gagged down a wad of spit. My throat didn’t like that option. I had to push it away. Instead, I’d visualize the perfect scenario: I’d walk in, and he’d take me into his arms. I’d apologize, and he’d accept. Then we’d live happily ever after.
Yeah, that wasn’t working either. I couldn’t focus long enough to keep the positive vibes flowing. Something would interfere with my fantasy and blow it all to hell. Another woman, his realization that he’d been better off without me, the roof caving in. My mind was a jumbled pit of possibilities.
I parked in the lot and sat there. I hadn’t called first; this was not something for over the phone. I needed to look into his eyes when I talked to him. I glanced around, unsure of how to proceed. The school day would end soon, and I didn’t know if I should wait in the car or go inside. I hadn’t nailed down every detail of the plan.
In the end, I decided to go inside. I was afraid of missing him somehow, even with my eyes peeled to the front door. What if I blinked too long? Another option was waiting by his car, but what if he’d recently installed an alarm and I set it off and disrupted the whole school? I couldn’t stop conjuring up all these idiotic situations, but it all came down to nerves.
I was terrified to death that he wouldn’t forgive me, and my brain was trying to distract me long enough until I found out.
I pushed through the door and walked through groups of people milling about. Still a tiny school, but a much different atmosphere than during the summer. I blended in, which I was grateful for. I could have been any other parent picking up their child. The only attention I wanted drawn to me was Chase’s. I wanted him to acknowledge me first.
I went down to his classroom at the end of the hall, peeking in every window along the way in case he’d changed rooms. My pulse was a freaking bass drum, and I kept expecting someone to ask where that noise was coming from. Some doors were cracked open, some not, but the one at the end of the hall was.
The first thing that caught my eye was a sparkly pink guitar attached to a backpack on the floor. My heart did a little flip. The bag was propped against the desk where Hazel sat, head down and working on something intently. In fact, the entire class seemed occupied. I backed up, so I didn’t disturb them, and in doing so, I saw him.
His eyes were already on mine, no doubt noticing me before I’d noticed him. I wished to God I would have seen his first impression; it may have given me a spark of hope because based on the look he wore now, it wasn’t the reaction I was going for.
Or it could have crushed me completely, so maybe it was better for me not to know. My chest squeezed painfully. I couldn’t look away. How had I gone so long without staring into his flawless face? How had I let this beautiful soul walk away?
Everything moved in slow motion. I watched Chase set his pen down and quietly push away from his desk. He stood up and walked over with a silent strength that made me ache for him. He was once mine. Would he ever be again?
The energy zinged within me. I wondered if he could feel me as intensely as I could feel him. The connection was still there; I was sure of it. I wanted him to enforce that belief with a smile, a fiery glimmer in his green eyes, anything.
It didn’t happen. The closer he got, the further I sank. He was a watered-down version of himself, and that broke my heart.
“What are you doing here, Jillian?” His voice was low, his emotions flat. Not dissimilar to how I’d probably sounded that night right before I left his car.
“I’m following my passion.”
I hadn’t planned what to say; I didn’t rehearse conversations in my head beforehand. If I had, maybe I wouldn’t have been so speechless when he rejected me.
“And I’m in class. I’m sorry. I can’t do this.”
He stepped back into the room and softly closed the door, shutting me out. I was rooted to the spot, too shocked to move an inch. All the people and sounds around me were muffled like my head was submerged. Chase hadn’t said, ‘I can’t do this right now.’ He said, ‘I can’t do this.’ As in ever .
It didn’t matter if I deserved his treatment or not. I didn’t care if I got exactly what I paid for. It still hurt. It still hurt so fucking badly I wanted to curl up and die.
I somehow managed to put one leg in front of the other and walk away. I didn’t know where I was going, but I’d deal with that when I got there.
I was halfway down the hall when I felt a whoosh behind me, and I turned in time to catch Hazel before she smacked into my legs. “Jillian!”
I bent down and hugged her. “Hi, sweetie. What are you doing? You’re supposed to be in class.”
“Mr. N let me come say hi to you. As long as I was real quick.”
I laughed. “Well, you certainly were quick, Hazel.”
“Are you coming to watch me in the talent show?”
“Talent show?”
“Please, Jillian?” She started hopping up and down. “I’m playing my guitar.”
“When is it?” I waved her to start following me back to the room. I didn’t want her gone too long. School had to be ending any minute, and I didn’t think I could take seeing Chase’s lifeless expression again.
“On Saturday. Here in the gym. Pleeeease?”
“I promise you I’ll try my hardest, okay?”
She nodded, and I gave her a hug good-bye. Just before I stood back up, she whispered, “I miss you. Mr. N does too. He still makes jokes, but I can tell. He’s real sad.”
Hazel slipped from my arms and into the classroom, and I quickly turned away. I didn’t know what to make of it. Any of it. Sad or not, Chase made his feelings clear, and now that I was alone once more with my thoughts, it was killing me all over again.
I left for the door, spotting a stack of flyers by the office advertising the talent show. I grabbed one just as the bell chimed. I got to my car and sped off, willing myself to keep it together. I was on the verge of another crying spell; I could feel it. The tears were bubbling up inside my lids, ready to drop at the slightest provocation.
I pushed them back inside and cranked up the music. I swear tear ducts had a seal just like a bladder. Once broken, you had to worry about liquid gushing out every twenty minutes. And it wasn’t like I’d never cried before—I had, a lot. Just not like this. Not these raw, emotional sobs that ripped your heart to shreds.
Had Chase felt like this when I stomped all over him? Even if it was only a fraction, I wanted to strangle myself for doing that to him. I sucked. Big time.
By the time I made it to my driveway, I only had slightly damp cheeks. Not bad, considering. Stephen’s truck was parked there; he was the last person I expected to see waiting for me. Well, second to last. I pulled into the garage and checked my eyes in the rearview mirror before getting out.
Both Perry and my brother were hopping out as well. I tried to remember if I’d made plans with them, but she knew I was attempting to work it out with Chase today. The lead ball in my stomach bounced hard, knocking me off-center. Things were so much better when it was still attempting and hopeful, instead of attempted and failed.
“Perfect timing!” Perry said. “We were just on our way to…” She stopped and dashed over. “Jills?” She peered into my eyes. “Oh, no. Chase?” I bit my bottom lip and nodded. “You already saw him?” I nodded again, looking at Stephen. He’d been playing the strong and silent role toward me lately. “But you said you were going to call and invite him over tonight. What happened?”
“I changed my mind and went up to the school instead. I wanted my first words to him to be to his face. That didn’t work out so well,” I said softly.
“What did he say?”
“That he was sorry, but he couldn’t do this.” Ever .
“And how’d he look?”
“Different.”
She sighed, then waved Stephen over. “We need a man’s opinion.”
“He doesn’t need to get involved, Perry.”
Stephen came up and looked me over. “Hey, sis.” There’s no way he didn’t know where Perry was for three days, and he was probably deciding whether or not I was still operating in basketcase mode.
“If a guy tells a girl he loves her, and she basically shits all over him—sorry, Jills, but it’s true—wouldn’t he be just a little hesitant to get back with her?”
Stephen turned to me. “Chase told you he loves you?”
“Yes.”
I waited for it. Waited for him to say that a kid his age had no business professing his love to me. But he didn’t say a word. He just exhaled forcefully and ran his hands through his hair.
“Okay, obviously he agrees with me,” Perry said. “The message here is don’t give up yet. Chase is hurting, and it might take some time, but he’ll come around. But he also has to know you’re serious. Does he even know how you feel about him?”
“Not exactly.” In hindsight, I should have said I loved him right away, but I never expected our time to end so quickly. My eyes flicked back over to my brother. I couldn’t believe he was being so unopinionated about the whole thing.
“He needs to know, Jills. Soon.”
I knew Chase was more than worth my efforts to try again, but I wasn’t sure how many times it’d take before my heart gave way. “Why’d you two stop over?”
“Oh, yeah!” Perry nudged Stephen. “Tell her what you told me. She needs some cheering up.”
I tilted my head at him, having no clue what was going on. “I was at Wengo’s the other night. So was Chase.”
My chest started yammering. “Who was he with?” Wait. Perry said this would cheer me up. That rules out another girl.
Stephen shrugged. “I don’t know, a couple buddies maybe.” His hands were stuck in his front pockets, and he was slowly rocking back and forth on his heels while Perry danced around him. She gestured for him to continue. “Yeah, and for what it’s worth, he looked pretty down and out. Several times, that blonde waitress came around, but he brushed her off.”
Amanda?
“See?” Perry said with a huge grin. “And that’s even more impressive, considering guys like to fuck anything that moves to get over someone.”
My insides churned. I already knew Chase was attracted to her; they’d screwed around before, but… but this was a good thing, right? Nothing was stopping him from getting with her again, yet he wasn’t taking the bait.
“Not all guys are like that, Perry,” Stephen said.
“Well, I know you’re not.” She wrapped her arms around his neck. “There’s not enough pussy in the world that would help you get over me.”
“You’re right about that.”
She giggled and kissed him, and I responded by clearing my throat. If this was the start of their foreplay, I didn’t want it happening in my driveway. “How did you know he was brushing her off?” I asked Stephen.
“It was pretty obvious that’s what was happening.”
“Do you think he saw you, and that’s why he was being careful?” But that didn’t make sense either. We were already over, and it wasn’t like he was trying to get back with me.
“I don’t know, Jillian, but I really doubt it. Look, I’m not sure what all’s going on between you two, and I’m not asking for details. I only want to know that whatever you’re doing, you’re doing it with eyes wide open.”
He wasn’t condoning, but he wasn’t condemning either. Not that I needed Stephen’s consent to love Chase, but his softened stance on the matter meant a lot.
“Thank you, little brother.” I gave him a hug. “For the first time in my life, that’s exactly what I’m doing.”