Chapter 26
Heartbroken
Tasha
A month later …
I managed to put on a pair of jeans, a T-shirt, and a pair of black ballet flats from one of Val’s collections inspired by Sim. I love these shoes. They are so comfortable.
Comfort is what I need today. The girls are supposed to be coming over: Reese, Val, Paige, Pam, Cam, Dean, Vega, Lovie, and my sister Brenda. I know why they’re coming. Today would have been Lucia’s first birthday, but my baby girl isn’t here.
I’ve been moving on autopilot as I get ready. Sammy hugged me tightly this morning. Then he whispered in my ear.
“It will be okay, Mo-mo. Someday this won’t be this way. Feel however you want to feel.”
His words have stuck with me since. LaSalle has taken the rest of the kids out for the day to give me time to myself. We have plans to do a little candlelight vigil together this evening around the hour she was born.
When Val called and said they were on the way, I had a feeling my husband had called in the cavalry. I didn’t miss the look on his face after something Sammy said to him that I couldn’t hear.
To be honest, I don’t know how to feel. We never got any real answers about how we lost her, just a bunch of words that didn’t make sense. LaSalle looked as lost as I felt.
My father- and mother-in-law did their best to step in for us, but in the end, we walked away without our baby girl or answers that made any of it make sense.
I was so devastated, I didn’t know how to ask or get out anything I was feeling. This was something I wasn’t ready for. Sammy and I slept on the floor in Lucia’s room for a full week.
He was so agitated by the end of the week LaSalle put an end to that. He seemed like he was too lost to deal with us both, so I pulled it together to help him get Sammy to stay out of Lucia’s room.
I haven’t been back inside since. Placing my hand on the doorknob, I take in a deep breath. Then I push the door in and walk into what would have been her room and run my fingertips along the wallpaper border on the walls.
“Breathe, Tasha, breathe,” I murmur to myself.
Excited to have another girl, I had the border custom-made. Cute little hearts and stars with her name printed repeatedly run around the room. Her crab sits over in one corner with the custom mobile I had designed for her.
Pink-and-purple frosted crystal stars and hearts hang from the shimmering threads. The sunlight from outside dances against it, sending bursts of pink and purple light across the walls. I can’t help wondering if she would have loved this room as much as I did once it was finished.
I move around the room, touching her little things she never got to use. I get to her closet and slide the door back to look inside. My heart aches as I see the little tutu LaSalle had made for her.
He was so proud the day he brought it home to me. I still remember the smile on his handsome face. Lifting the little hanger from the rod, I blink back tears.
It’s all too much at once. I release the scream that’s building up in my chest. It’s like something is trying to crawl its way out of me.
One minute I’m holding the little skirt, the next I’ve torn this room up. I stand looking around at the destruction with my chest heaving, not knowing what possessed me to do it. Wrapping my arms around my middle, I shake my head to clear it.
Unseeing, I move to the changing table, stepping over the tiny clothes now all over the place. Then I pick up the little onesie resting there. “Welcome Home” is printed on the front in pink letters. All at once it hits me, this isn’t a dream; she’s not coming home.
My legs buckle and I hit the floor, releasing everything I’ve been holding in over the last year. Instead of allowing myself to feel, I threw myself into work, the Alliance, and taking care of my other children. I never grieved Lucia because it didn’t feel real.
“Oh God,” I choke out as pain sears through me. “My baby. My little girl. Why?”
Holding the onesie to my chest, I double over and sob so hard my back aches. I couldn’t stop if I wanted to. Suddenly, it’s like I can feel her in my arms once again. She was the smallest of my babies.
They say when dark-skinned women like me have babies with white men we begin to run out of ink with each baby. I believe that was the case with Lucia because not even her little ears had much pigment. I remember joking about it with LaSalle and Val.
Shannon being so much lighter after being the third of Val’s father’s children made us chuckle more even though Shannon has a different mother. However, Eva is the youngest and lightest of Val’s children, so we planned to wait and see.
“You would have been beautiful no matter what,” I sob.
I allow the pain to take me over and give in to all my feelings. I held her; she was mine. This doesn’t feel right, and I don’t think I’ll ever be okay about it. Lord, forgive me, but this hurts.
We had talked about all the things we would teach her and what she would be like. LaSalle was as happy as I was to be having another girl. Tomorrow I’ll be strong for everyone again, not today. Not now.
“I’ve found her,” I hear Val say, not knowing how long I’ve been down here sobbing.
However, I can’t move. I’m curled in a ball holding my baby’s tiny onesie and for once I’m so fucking lost and don’t have any answers.
“Hey, sis. We’re here. It’s me and Reese; the others hung back. Sammy called and said it should be the two of us that find you.”
I don’t know why hearing her say that makes this more real for me. As if knowing Sammy has seen me in pain like this erases my hopes that this could all be a lie or a bad dream.
“Hey, girl. We’ve got you. One day at a time, we’ll take it one day at a time,” Reese says as she and Val help me upright as they wrap around me while rocking me.
“My baby,” I sob.
“I know, honey. It hurts like hell, and no one will ever understand how much. I have five living babies now, but I will never forget the ones I lost. The longer you carry them, the deeper it hurts.
“But God, you guys and Nico have helped me. I’ve pushed my way through by faith and I know someone as strong as you can too. Get it all out, girl. We’re here.”
“This isn’t real. It doesn’t feel real. I want to hurt someone for this, but who?”
“Neonatal deaths happen. There could have been a number of factors, honey,” Reese replies.
“But why her? Why my little angel?”
“We don’t know, Bella. Maybe God needed her light back sooner. I wish there was someone’s head I could hand you for this.
“If I could, I would in a heartbeat. For now, all I can do is sit with my big sis and be there for her. Take all my strength you need,” Val says as she rubs my hair.
“That won’t be necessary. I’ve got it from here, ladies. Thank you.” LaSalle’s voice rumbles into the room.
I turn my head to find him standing in the doorway, watching us with a pained expression. Without breaking eye contact, he comes straight for me and scoops me up into his arms, bridal style. I bury my face in his neck and inhale his scent as he starts out of the room.
“Where are the kids? Do you need us to take them?” Val calls after him.
“No, I took them to my parents. Something Sammy said earlier made me change my plans, but if you could see if Sammy will stay with you guys tonight, that would be appreciated.”
“I’ve got you. Don’t worry about him,” Val says.
“Love you, sis. Call me anytime you need,” Reese says.
I look over LaSalle’s shoulder and nod my head. It’s all I can do. His strong arms are going a long way to soothe the ache inside. So I cling to that feeling and try to breathe.
I love you, Lucia. Mommy will always love you.
LaSalle
After getting Tasha out of her clothes and into her pajamas, I needed to hold her for a while. Today was rough. I knew it would be a hard day; I just had no idea how hard it would be.
From the time I woke this morning, I had an ache in my chest. Losing Lucia wasn’t like losing Ellen. This type of blindside hits differently.
The feelings of betrayal weren’t there. I was a father, hurt and lost. However, I was also don and in the middle of tying up what I started.
I got to hold my baby girl once before she was gone. In that one embrace, she stole my heart. I was ready for the long nights and tiny, insistent cries.
Sunny was still so young; I knew my wife would need me more than ever to help with a newborn. We had done this three times before—having children back-to-back.
I knew the sacrifice I was in for, but I was ready. Making it was my duty, but when Lucia looked up at me for the first time, I was ready to make it over and over again.
“Babe?” Tasha says softly as I hold her in my arms while we lie in our bed.
We’ve been lying in silence, absorbing each other’s strength. I wish I could change what happened. Not just earlier, but how we lost our daughter.
I think it aches more that I can’t. No matter how much I want, I can’t bring her back. It doesn’t feel right, but it’s a reality I’ve had to learn to deal with.
“Yeah?”
“How are you holding up?”
“Are you asking how I’m doing it or how I am?”
“Both.”
I think for a moment, trying to find the right words. This isn’t just about me. I wasn’t the one to carry our daughter for nine months.
“I’m going to be real with you. I’ve been doing what I have to so I can make sure you and the kids are okay. But walking in and finding you like that with Reese and Val nearly broke me.
“That shit hurt so bad I couldn’t breathe. If I could take that pain away, I’d walk to the depths of hell to be able to. I’ve known pain before, but this is something different.
“I can’t explain it. I’m getting through because I have to, but I couldn’t tell you how. As far as how I’m doing, I’m here, I’m trying, I want to be whatever you need.”
“Thanks. That means a lot.”
I kiss the top of her head and begin to rub her back. I’m trying to pour as much of my strength into her as I can. If I have to give her every last drop, I will.
“I love you. You don’t have to thank me for something I’m supposed to do.”
“I love you too. Can I ask what Sammy said that made you come back?”
I stare up at the ceiling as his words come back to me. Again, I don’t know if it was so much what he said as how he said it. My gut told me to drop the kids with Mom and Dad and come back to my wife.
“It was one of his songs. ‘She will burn it all. Her pain will consume and only the ones who love her most will be able to pull her from the flames.’ I thought of the candle we planned to burn in Lucia’s memory and decided to come home.”
“Has he ever explained why he sings certain things?”
“In fact, he did. A few weeks ago, I found him in the hallway singing to himself. When I realized the words, I asked.”
“What did he say?”
“It’s because of you. You used to get him to sing songs to focus and calm down. Now he sings when it’s something important he needs to remember. Things he needs to see through, he said.”
“Oh, wow.” Tasha starts to sniffle. “You know what? I hate that he sees my rage. I’m so angry, but I don’t want any of you, especially Sammy, to see how angry I am.”
“Do you really think you would have set the place on fire?”
“LaSalle, I don’t know. The way I felt when I destroyed that room, I wouldn’t put anything past me.”
“Do you want me to have the room cleared out?”
“No, I don’t think I’m ready for that.”
“Okay, I’ll clean it up and make it as if nothing happened.”
“Thank you. Babe?”
“Um?”
“Would you be angry if I said that’s it? I thought I could have another, but it doesn’t sit well with me right now. I can’t replace her.
“I know that’s not what we’d be doing, but a part of me feels like it would be. I don’t want to feel that way. Another baby wouldn’t deserve that.”
“Tasha, I love you with everything in me. You have given me four other amazing children. I smile and laugh daily; my heart is always full, and I’m never in lack of a little face smiling up at me.
“Whatever you want, I will do. If that’s another baby, we can keep trying. If that means you want to table another for now and come back to it later, we can do that.
“If Lucia was our last, it is fine. As long as you are happy, I am happy and content. I’m a man fulfilled.”
“Are you sure?”
“Have I ever lied to you?”
“No.”
“Then you know I’m sure. I get to make love to you either way,” I tease.
“This is true,” she says with a smile in her voice.
“Are you feeling better?”
“A little.”
“You ready to eat something? I was planning to surprise you and cook for you.”
“LaSalle, did you get the chef to cook something you plan to pass off as your own handiwork again?”
I chuckle. “No, I really do have plans to cook for you this time. I knew I shouldn’t have told you about that.”
“Then that would mean you lied to me. I’m glad you told me. Not only will it be forever funny, but it showed me I can always trust you.”
“In that case, I’m only air-frying sausage links and fries,” I laugh.
She bursts into laughter. “I’ll take it. As long as you’re making it for me, I know it will be made with love.”
“Everything I do for you is out of love. Everything.”