Chapter 21
Twenty-one
Words didn’t come easily just then. Thought didn’t come easily just then.
One minute Mina was writhing below Stephen, all her consciousness reduced to the feeling of his body against hers, his mouth on her neck, his hand—and then all of that was gone and he was halfway across the room, saying things that had no meaning at first.
Forgive him? For what? Why?
Then the air was cool against her exposed skin, and rationality began at least to come within her grasp. All the same, the answer that she first thought was: For stopping? Never.
Mina thought of the multiplication tables. Around five, though she still desperately wanted to pick up where she and Stephen had left off, she was able to push those impulses aside and speak almost normally.
“There’s nothing to forgive,” she said. “It was my doing as much as yours.”
“It’s kind of you to say,” Stephen replied. He stood facing one of the bookshelves, his face turned away from her and his hands clasped behind his back.
Avoiding temptation, Mina thought. With his example to prompt her, she pulled her skirts back down and tugged her dress back into order. She watched her hands while she rearranged herself. Her hands were safe and familiar.
During the process, a sense of duty crept up upon her, even as she winced away. She didn’t want to say what came next. She wanted to avoid that conversation almost as much as she’d wanted to feel Stephen’s hand between her thighs or his lips on her breast.
The comparison only made the conversation more necessary.
“I don’t think we can ignore this”—she waved a hand, unsure of what to call the situation and unwilling to put it into more specific words—“any longer.”
“I’d not have said we were ignoring it just now,” Stephen said. “But aye, you’re right. Though I’m not at all sure what else is to be done about it.”
“You could lock me in my room, couldn’t you?” Mina couldn’t help saying it, or laughing as she did—and the whole state of affairs was funny, really. “Or I could lock myself in, but that wouldn’t be half as dramatic.”
“No. If we’re going to overreact, we’d best not do it by halves. I’d have to find a dungeon somewhere.”
“There’s always the wine cellar.”
“Baldwin would never forgive me. Besides,” Stephen said, and glanced back over his shoulder, “I’d not want to be hunting Ward without your help, not if I had a choice in it.”
“Go on with you,” said Mina. A spot of warmth started up in her chest, though, and she smiled despite herself. He’d come to tell her about the thieves, too. Another man might have kept it from her, worried about feminine nerves.
Stephen smiled. “Truly. It’s a hard enough business as it is. Going it alone would be even worse.”
“Could be the problem,” she said. “Us being alone in this, I mean. Except for Professor Carter, and he doesn’t live here, and he doesn’t know what you really are. Maybe we’ve been…impulsive…because neither of us exactly has another, um—”
“Outlet?” She couldn’t hear anything in Stephen’s voice but polite contribution. He’d turned his head and was looking at the bookcase again.
“Right. Especially you. I mean, we both know I’m not exactly the sort of…
of person you’d associate with normally.
” She would press on ruthlessly, though saying the words out loud made her hurt in a dull and foolish way, but she couldn’t make herself say woman, or kiss, or anything of the sort.
“Under normal circumstances. And certainly not the kind who’d know anything secret about you. ”
“Outside my family,” Stephen said, still in that politely remote voice, “I can count on one hand those who know my other form. You’re the only full human among them—the only one living, at least.”
“I’m sorry,” said Mina. She looked up from her hands at the straight line of his back, at his squared shoulders. “Our lives must go by pretty quickly, for you.”
“Very quickly. If—” he started to say, and then shook his head. “One grows accustomed.”
The air between them felt heavy with the things Mina didn’t ask. She settled on a relatively safe question, one that didn’t bring up the sort of people who did know Stephen well, or the identity of anyone in particular he might have lost. “You still have friends, though, don’t you?”
“Friends, aye. Some.”
“Oh. Well. That’s what I was saying, really,” she said.
Stopping to think about the implications of being the only mortal to know his secret—or to wonder if he thought of her as some sort of more intelligent and more, er, eligible pet—would have been a disaster, so Mina pressed on, heedless of whether one sentence really led into another.
“You don’t really get to see your friends right now. Or your own sort. And I’m about the place, being helpful, and I already know a few things, so—well, so it makes sense that you’d, um, turn to me.”
His dark head moved, the merest suggestion of a nod. “I suppose that would be an explanation. And for you?”
Just as well that Stephen was facing the other way.
Mina was blushing before she’d even begun to answer.
“I’m not exactly at home myself, am I? Nobody else here knows what’s going on.
Until the servants got used to me, I didn’t talk much with anyone but you, and even now I can’t tell them everything we’re doing.
I’m out of my depth by half, and you’re a handsome man. ”
“You’re a lovely woman,” said Stephen. “I’d rather assumed that was the main cause of what’s between us.”
“Polly’s just as pretty as I am, and you’ve never kissed her. But thank you.”
Stephen turned to face her, laughing and surprised. “You’re far from the usual sort of woman, Cerberus. I hope you know that. And how do you know I’ve never kissed Polly?”
“She would’ve said. And you’re a gentleman.”
“It’s nice to know how you weigh the evidence,” he said wryly. “And now what? Assuming you’re correct, what do you propose doing about the situation?”
Mina shrugged. “Be around other people, even if we can’t tell them everything? Spend more time apart? Just knowing will help, I hope. Knowing why we feel the way we do. And that it’s irrational. And that nothing would work between us,” she made herself add.
It was painful, and it was true. Even if Stephen’s blood had been only human, it would still have been blue.
If they gave in to their passion and the worst happened, she could be his pet, if he took her as a mistress, or his obligation, if he did the gentlemanly thing.
She could never be his equal. She doubted if she’d ever come as close as she was now.
All she could do was throw away the last five years of her life. All she could do was discard independence and ambition and training in exchange for physical satisfaction and a connection that would disappear as soon as the situation changed.
Stephen must have known something similar, to pull away when he did. Now, however, he didn’t speak either to confirm or deny Mina’s assertion. He only watched her, and the shadows from the bookcase slanted across his face, hiding his expression more than his will already did.
“They say knowledge is power,” Mina added, trying to speak lightly.
“That they do,” said Stephen. “They might even be right now and then.”
“We’ll have to hope,” said Mina. “And who knows? The Yard might bring Ward in tomorrow, and I’ll go home, and we can both get back into our right minds.”
She didn’t say everything can be like it was before, because it wouldn’t be true for her.
Dragons and demons and magic weren’t the sort of thing she could unknow.
For Stephen, nothing would have really changed: he would get on with whatever lords and dragons did.
Later perhaps he’d tell his family about the weeks he’d had to spend hunting a sorcerer with a stubborn mortal girl.
She would be a story for some winter evening, a tale that went well with brandy.
Around the tightness in her throat, she spoke again. “You should go off and do something useful. I’ll be working in here.”
“I’ll find you if I’ve need,” said Stephen.
“Do that,” said Mina, and turned back to the books. She didn’t want to watch him leave.