Chapter 36 #4
I find myself pitying him… Yet envying him even more deeply than before.
T he ride home felt longer than usual, even with the wind in my face and engine humming steady beneath me.
The rides with Vanna’s arms wrapped around me have always brought an additional layer of tranquility to my soul, reminding me why I’m willing to bleed for this life.
But tonight, it feels like I’m riding towards a cliff I can’t avoid.
The house is dark when we pull up, one porch light still burning. I kill the engine and wait for her to dismount before I do. She doesn’t say anything to me as she trades her helmet with me for the house keys. I tuck Serene in for the night while Vanna lets herself inside our home.
When I finally enter, Vanna’s reaching into a kitchen cabinet for Nico’s snack before bed. He’s rubbing against her legs, purring loud enough I can hear him across the room. I notice she’s already discarded her boots, and her cut is draped across the back of a kitchen island stool.
“Vanna, we need to talk,” I gently press, locking the front door behind me before hanging up my own cut. “I saw the contraceptives in the drawer. Have you come off them?”
She nods, a guarded expression in her eyes. “And I’m never taking it again.”
“That’s fine… I would never ask you to take something you don’t want. There are procedures I could?—”
With a tearful glare, she places Nico’s dish on the kitchen floor before she turns and storms down the hall. I hurry after her before she gets the chance to slam and lock the bedroom door in my face.
“Vanna, we need to talk about this.”
She doesn’t bother turning around to face me, only continues her march into the bathroom, where I follow. “I tried talking to you about this. Multiple times. All you do is shut me down.”
“That isn’t true,” I sigh, watching her yank open that cursed drawer and remove a hair clip.
She hastily gathers her hair and clips it back.
“I voiced my concerns the morning you first brought the idea up… There are a lot of things at play here…one of them being I need to know that I can take care of what I have now.”
She shoots daggers at me through the mirror. “ We. Us. Our … I’m here, too.”
“I know… I don’t mean to come across like it’s all about me or all about money, but…it is a factor we do need to consider.”
She wrenches the faucet on, not even waiting for the water to warm before she begins scrubbing her face clean of the makeup. I wait patiently while she completes her task.
“I don’t think this is about the money,” she finally says, grabbing a hand towel to pat her face and hands dry.
“It’s a factor. There are far more important ones.” I take a step closer, gingerly placing a hand on her shoulder. “Like your health. Your safety. These are paramount concerns.”
Her gaze lifts to meet mine, and she shifts to face me. “AFE is a rare occurrence, Dean. One in forty thousand .”
“But it happened, didn’t it?”
She lets out a sigh laced with frustration, yanking the clip from her hair. It cascades around her shoulders, and she tosses the clip onto the counter. “You’re just living in fear! I’m not willing to live like that anymore! Ever again!”
“Vanna…” I try to hold onto her, but she pushes away from me with a look that twists my guts and tightens my chest. I’ve never seen it in her eyes before. Not whenever she’s looked at me… A flash of disappointment… there one second and gone the next… But it was there…
She shakes her head at me. “The chances of it happening again?—”
“ I don’t even want to fucking think about it!”
“You can’t keep shutting down on me! Dean…there are precautions the doctors can take.”
“There are still other risks.”
“I could argue your motorcycles are an even greater risk! And I’ve never asked you to give that up!”
Fuck. She has me there…
“Tell me the real reasons,” she insists, crossing her arms.
“Vanna, you know all I want is to be able to give you everything…” She only stares at me.
I can’t fault her for wanting this. A sibling for Ace is the next natural step for our family, but I feel trapped in an impossible position…
Torn between giving her what she wants, and protecting her… and that’s if I’m even capable…
What if Ace really is our miracle, and I can’t give her another baby?
Will this be what destroys everything we have created together?
Will I be less to her? Will that cause her love for me to fade and turn into a harbored resentment that erodes our perfect life together?
An irreconcilable difference? Grounds for divorce?
“Dean…”
I can’t lose her…
“Dean…honey…” She no longer seems cross with me, but the disappointment was there before…I saw it…
I can’t fucking lose her… God damn it… Am I damned either way?
“ Breathe, sweetheart…”
I glance down at her hand over mine as she attempts to pry my digging fingers from clawing at my own racing heart. Does she still know I would rip it out and give it to her?
Her hands move up to cradle my face as a pitying expression eclipses hers. “You really are terrified...”
“Of losing you…yes, I am.”
“You could never lose me, Dean.”
“I almost did.”
And still, the defeated look in her glassy eyes shatters my heart… If what we have now isn’t enough…failing her as a man will surely be our undoing…
“I’m only asking for a chance…” she tearfully whispers. “I know what else you’re afraid of… I’m not going to make you say it out loud… But Dean…can’t we just see what’s meant to be?”
Her hands lower to gently grip mine. “Do you really think I’d hold it against you if Ace is our only child?”
“ I don’t think you’d intend to…” I manage to choke out.
She offers a smile, but her eyes are full of sorrow. “I’m only asking you not to slam the door on hope… Don’t let what happened with Lucinda dictate what happens with our family.”
“Lucinda’s got nothing to do with this. She’s nothing to me. I wish you’d stop throwing it in my face.”
“Throwing it in your face? I’m just trying to make you understand.”
“ You don’t understand!”
“I want you to imagine holding our baby girl.”
“Is that why you wanted me to see the invitation?”
“Do it!” she demands. “Picture her! Imagine her and tell me you don’t want her!”
“Of course I would, Vanna… Don’t be cruel…”
“I’m not being cruel. I’m trying to get through to you!”
I pull away from her and storm back to the kitchen. Back to that fucking invitation sitting on the kitchen island like it’s waiting for a fucking verdict on my goddamned life.
I tear the damn thing open, whirling around on my wife to thrust the sonogram into her hands.
“I want you to imagine something, too, Vanna… Imagine it never happening! Imagine she never exists! Now fucking look at me and tell me you won’t resent me for it!”
“I won’t.”
“I know you want to believe that… Fuck! We both do.”
She lowers her eyes from mine to gaze down at the sonogram. “If money wasn’t an issue…if everything else was perfect…would you want another?”
“Everything is perfect.”
She steps forward to place the sonogram on the kitchen island. “Then I guess there’s nothing left to talk about.”
“Is life with me and Ace not perfect, Vanna?”
“It is.” She smiles at me, her eyes somehow tearful and hollow at the same time.
“Then why don’t I believe you?”
“If we aren’t meant to have another baby, so be it. I would never hold it against you. I would never resent you.”
“You resent something.”
“Your opposition to possibility. Your stifling need to protect me, even if it means smothering my hopes.”
“Fuck…twist the knife, why don’t you… Is that really how you feel?”
“What would you do if I was pregnant? Would you want me to get rid of it?”
“Vanna, come on…”
“No. You’re not the only one who gets to argue with hypotheticals. I’m pregnant.” She throws her arms up and lets them fall hopelessly to her sides . “What now? Are we keeping it?”
“Of course.”
“Only because I want it? Or would you love this hypothetical baby like you love Ace?”
“Is this a serious question?”
“If you simply do not want another baby, hypotheticals aside , that changes things.”
“ Irreconcilable things?”
“It never crossed my mind after Ace that you would never want another baby with me.”
“I’m not saying that either…”
A cautious hope flickers behind her eyes. “Do you just need more time?”
“Would you give it to me if I did?”
“Of course I would…within reason.”
“Alright,” I reach for her, immensely relieved when she steps into my arms without hesitation. I hold her in the silence between us now. A heavy silence that stretches on until I can no longer swallow back the words. “I love you, you know that…don’t you?”