Chapter Eight
Tamsyn
Valentine’s Day was magical.
She still didn’t have a clue what it was all about, who Valentine was or why he got his own day, but it was wonderful nonetheless.
Merrick let her sleep in until almost ten a.m., and when she finally woke, the fire in the bedroom was crackling softly, the air warm with a slight hint of smoke, and he treated her to breakfast in bed, spoiling her with her favorite—pancakes and syrup.
Her stuffed owl sat on the bedside table, perched beneath a glass vase playing host to the most beautiful roses she’d ever seen in her life—shades of red, pink, and white. The buds were barely unfurled, the petals still huddled together, just waiting for their moment to bloom.
After her late breakfast, he bundled her up into a brand new sheepskin jacket and took her for a walk to the photographer’s studio at the edge of the property. Not to have her picture taken—she wasn’t keen on that at all—but to show her the view of the valley that stretched out for miles.
It was lovely, it really was, but the best part was just being with him.
On their return to the club, they stopped for lunch at the restaurant, and Merrick introduced her to Allan. He was probably a nice man, but he reminded her too much of one of the handsy elders, and she just wasn’t ready to face that yet.
As the day went on, however, she sensed a distinct change in Merrick’s demeanor that kickstarted some anxiety of her own. He was attentive to her every need, but she noticed moments where he seemed distracted, not in a good way.
Although he didn’t flat out say they were having sex tonight, there were butterflies fluttering around in her belly at the thought, and she wondered if men got the same weird mix of dread and anticipation before they did the deed.
That would explain a lot, wouldn’t it?
They watched a couple movies and, while he appeared engaged in the plotlines, it was obvious even to her that he wasn’t in the same room mentally. Those little signs grew bigger as time ticked past, and his mood darkened slightly when he thought she wasn’t paying attention.
The moody, surly look was hot on him.
Upgraded him from silver fox to silver wolf.
Tamsyn was half asleep on the couch when he plucked her up and carried her into the bathroom. He’d been gone for a little while—she presumed to make dinner, not that she was hungry—but when he set her down in the bathroom, she discovered he’d been making more magic.
Candles were lit on every flat surface, filling the room with different fragrances and bouncing soft light off the tiles and mirror. A trail of pink petals led to the bathtub where steam rose from water piled high with bubbles.
When she turned, a smile beaming, he waited for her, bare chested and beautiful.
“There are two ways tonight can go, little owl. One’s pretty easy, not too taxing, and you’ll get to come like a good girl.” He ran a hand over his beard, his expression serious. “The other one is gonna be scary for a while, but it’ll be worth it. The decision is up to you. You want to hear option one, option two, or both?”
She held up a finger.
“Option one is we take a bath, get takeout, and watch another movie. The club will be crazy tonight and I’m not ready to throw you in at the deep end again—one orgy is quite enough.” When she blushed, his grin flashed. “When we go to bed, I’ll eat that addictive cunt of yours until you pass out from exhaustion.”
She cocked her head in interest. It wasn’t the whole hog she’d expected, but it was tempting—she rather enjoyed his mouth on her, and she’d bet he had more tricks up his sleeve. Because she was curious, she held up two fingers this time, and watched his eyes darken with… concern? Regret?
“Option two starts with the bath, only after that, we get dressed and visit Fordham at his cabin. It’s quiet, private, and there’ll be no pressure from nosy guests.” Merrick’s jaw tensed. “You can lose your virginity tonight, if that’s what you want, darlin’. But there’s a catch.”
Okay, that was more along the lines of what she’d been fantasizing. Well, aside from the catch . She narrowed her eyes suspiciously when he hesitated, not sure how to carry on.
“I told you yesterday that I had a decision to make, about you. It’s a hard one, because not only do I want to do the right thing by you, it has to be a choice you’re happy with, too, and I know this is gonna wipe that pretty smile off your face.” He reached out to cup her cheek, the callouses on his palm rough against her smoother skin. “I want to be your first, Tamsyn, in everything. I want to be greedy and take everything. I want to be the only man you’ll ever know intimately, but that’s not gonna happen.”
What was he talking about?
The butterflies erupted into a panicked frenzy.
“We don’t know your pain threshold, darlin. Three fingers came close to being a punishment for you, and I’m… I’m bigger than three fingers. Asking you to let me take your virginity is selfish on my part; I might be greedy but not at your expense.” Exasperation glinted in his eyes. “Fuck, I couldn’t drag this out and hash it up any more if I’d scripted it. The catch is Fordham, little owl.”
Now she was confused even more. They could have sex tonight but Fordham… what?
Annoyed he was bringing another man into their conversation, Tamsyn huffed and waved Merrick back as she began stripping. Fordham seemed like a pleasant enough kind of man—well-spoken, quiet, polite. He was attractive, she supposed, but her body didn’t purr for him like it did Merrick.
She was a one-man woman.
When she wiggled out of her pants, she heard Merrick stifle a groan. She’d been watching a lot of TV recently and her horizons were expanding significantly—if he was moody because he was thinking about Fordham, she was sure she’d learned enough to distract him.
But before she could set her wiles in motion, Merrick snared her shoulders in firm hands. “Give me an indication you understand where I’m going with this, Tamsyn.”
The tiny flecks of lighter green were more visible in his eyes up close. She stared into them, realizing he wasn’t just being bossy—his emotions were all over the damn place, some of them passing over his face too quickly for her to read.
With dread filling her belly, sensing that whatever she did next would trigger something unpleasant, she hesitated before shaking her head slowly.
Merrick closed his eyes, exhaling heavily. He took a moment, the longest of her life, then inhaled. When that green gaze locked on hers again, she almost stepped back because the expression in it was different. Resolute.
“I can’t be your first, Tamsyn.”
She regarded him carefully, reeling from the verbal blow of rejection while waiting for the next kick to hit her while she was down. Her eyes stung, but she refused to let the tears form—it would be game over if she did.
“I asked Fordham if he would be willing, with your agreement, to have the honor instead. He’s a good man, he’ll take care of you, and most importantly to me, he won’t hurt you the way I will. You need a positive, enjoyable experience, little owl, and I trust him to give it to you.”
Oh yes, there was the second kick, harder than the first, and she was lucky the pain shearing through her heart didn’t drop her to her knees.
It was only because her community training was so thorough that she refrained from retaliating with her fists. She wanted to pummel that stupidly broad chest with her hands, scratch and punch his heart until it felt as mangled and worthless as her own in that moment.
Instead, she stepped away, turning her back on him. His soft curse was muffled as she wrestled the shirt over her head and tossed it aside with barely restrained violence. Naked, in more ways than one, she climbed into the water and, holding her cast aloft, sank beneath the surface.
Heat washed over her chilled skin, yet her bones remained cold.
Where did they go from here?
If she said no, would she have to run again? She couldn’t stay here in the cabin with him, that was for sure, but she had nothing to offer Elias in exchange for staying. Hell, she’d probably run just to try and escape the heartbreak, and that set her right back into Jedidiah’s sights.
It wasn’t like she could talk to Merrick, explain that she didn’t care if it hurt. There would always be pain in life—it started with birth and ended in death. She couldn’t tell him that she expected nothing less than suffering when it came to sex, because community men were known for reveling in it.
With him, she’d been willing to accept it, knowing she’d be looking in his eyes, feeling his skin against hers, his body moving inside hers, knowing that even though it hurt physically, he wasn’t doing it on purpose.
That he’d guard her heart and her soul, and treat her like a person instead of a toy to torment, degrade, destroy.
Fingers linked through hers, drawing her back to the surface just as her lungs began to burn. Water streamed down her face, masking the tears she couldn’t hold back.
Bowing her head, she refused to look at him.
“Little owl—”
She splashed her other hand through the water, flinging it at him. She didn’t want to hear the gentleness in his voice right now, the regret and concern.
He’d made a decision about her without discussing it with her, and now they both had to suffer while she tried to sort through the confusion and rejection to find a solution she could live with… and it was difficult.
The only other option was to say yes.
How hard could it be to lay beneath another man, wishing it was Merrick instead? It was only sex, after all, wasn’t it? A quick joining between two bodies that didn’t have to mean anything.
She could close her eyes, shut out the world, and when it was over…
Die a little inside.
“Forget I said anything, Tamsyn.” He was smart enough to murmur the words, soothing her jangled nerves instead of twanging them. “It was a thought, that’s all.”
A thought he’d acted on when he asked Fordham to be his stand-in, she thought wearily. A thought that was too late to retract.
They needed to deal with it now.
Tonight.
Until they resolved it, it would fester between them, growing bigger and bigger until it was the monster in the room, eclipsing everything she’d come to treasure with him over the past month. Draining away the sweet moments, the funny ones, the memories of fun and tenderness and feeling loved.
So, there was really only one way to move forward, wasn’t there?
Suddenly impatient to get it over with, Tamsyn tugged her hand from his and tried to get up. The water, the heat, was making her feel claustrophobic, and she wanted out .
Silently, Merrick hooked his hands under her arms and lifted her free, setting her on her feet. She nudged him away, grabbing a towel and awkwardly wrapping it around herself as she stomped toward the bedroom, leaving a wet trail of footprints behind her.
She made a beeline for the bedside table, snatching up the phone he’d given her for emergencies.
“Darlin’—”
No, he didn’t get to use that tone of voice with her tonight. Sensing him behind her, feeling the wariness seeping from his presence, she whirled around and—keeping her eyes averted—shoved the phone into his chest, gesturing for him to use it.
“You want me to call Fordham?”
One sharp, unhappy nod.
“What do you want me to tell him?”
Tamsyn clenched her teeth together, balancing on the edge of no return, then jabbed her finger at the floor.
“He doesn’t need to come here. We said nine o’clock at his cabin if you agreed.”
Yes, well, her agreement was going to be on her own damn terms. Truth be told, she didn’t think her nerves or her legs would maintain her dignity if she had to walk over to Fordham’s cabin; she was already trembling and trying to persuade herself it was anger.
Finally meeting his eyes, she repeated the jabbing motion, more strongly this time.
Merrick’s jaw tightened, but he nodded. “All right. Now?”
She hesitated, then nodded. Immediately, she wanted to curl up in a ball and sob her heart out, but she understood she needed to be stronger than that. She needed to convince herself she was brave enough to see her decision through to the end.
There was no way she could sleep in their bed tonight, next to him, wondering when the topic of sex was going to pop up and put them through this hell again. She couldn’t have his hands on her, his mouth, knowing that it would never go any further until the bane of her existence was gone.
He set the phone down and pulled out his own, his thumb pausing over the screen. With a resigned glance at her face, he made the call, switching it to speakerphone so she could hear the tinny ring.
“Merrick. Change of heart?” Fordham asked without so much as a hello.
“No.” Merrick bit off the single syllable sharply. “Tamsyn wants to move it forward.”
“She agreed?” Surprise filtered through the line. “That’s a shock in itself. Okay, so when—”
“Now.”
“Well, hell. Yeah, sure, I guess… This is her choice?”
Tamsyn’s heart squeezed as she read Merrick’s face. He hated this as much as she did, she realized. It was hurting him as deeply as it wounded her. She saw it reflect in his eyes before he shoved it back, replacing it with the conviction he was doing the right thing.
For her, not him.
“Yes. It’s her choice.” He cleared his throat. “Need you to come here, Ford. Her request.”
“All right,” Fordham replied slowly. “Let me get changed and I’ll be over.”
“Thanks.” Merrick ended the call, put his phone away. “Do you need anything, Tamsyn?” When she shook her head, desperate to crawl into his arms, he nodded. “I’ll be back in a minute.”
As he walked out, spine straight and rigid, she wondered how the evening had gone so far off track. How the last half an hour had flown by so quickly and brought with it so many changes.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, water trickling down her neck and chest from her sopping hair, she gripped the towel dug deep for the courage to get through whatever came next, because it sure as hell wasn’t going to be anything like she’d fantasized.
There was no point getting dressed, was there?
There was no reason to delay matters once Fordham arrived.
She’d let him fuck her, then lock the whole disastrous night in the vault where it belonged, never to be revisited.
Something crashed in the kitchen, making her jump. It was followed swiftly by the shattering of glass, then several hard, nasty thumps.
Merrick was taking his frustrations out on whatever came to hand by the sound of it.
Should she go to him?
Would she just make it worse?
Knuckling her eyes, she stood and began to dry herself off. The towel ran over her skin, and she couldn’t help imagining what Fordham would think of her skinny body, the scars, the pathetic way she almost doubled over in an effort to protect herself from his phantom stare.
It would all be over in an hour, she reassured herself. She could handle sixty minutes.
She gave a good attempt at drying her hair, then gave up and slipped on her robe.
Her bravado wasn’t so well developed she could meet Fordham in nothing but a towel.
Padding into the living room, she went to stand by the fire, hoping the heat would calm her. The cold in her bones was gnawing, making her shiver. She wanted to be surrounded by Merrick’s arms, cuddled into the kind of heat only he provided, that burned away her anxiety and gave her messy mind peace.
Her breath caught as a thought struck her.
Would he stay with her, hold her hand, while his friend took her?
Would he want to watch another man accept the gift she’d offered him?
Tamsyn whimpered softly and closed her eyes, bowing under the pressure beating down on her shoulders. There were too many questions and no way to voice them.
She almost bolted for cover like a rabbit into a thicket at the quiet knock on the front door. Worse, her stomach revolted, drowning in nausea, threatening to expel its contents yet again.
“Hello? Merrick?”
“Kitchen.”
She listened to footsteps approach the kitchen, then heard Fordham curse.
“Christ. Taking it well, I see.”
Merrick’s voice rumbled in reply, too low for her to hear.
“This isn’t set in stone. I can go home and let you two deal with it.”
Another, angrier rumble.
“I was going to ask if you had a game plan in mind, but obviously not. Why don’t I go make Tamsyn comfortable, and you join us when you’ve got your head out of your ass? I’m assuming you want to be present?”
She strained to hear Merrick’s answer, but that rough and angry rumble was all she got. It plucked at her nerves like fingers on guitar strings, hitting discordant notes.
“Do her a favor, Merrick. If you can’t get your emotions under control, don’t bother coming in. I know it has to be hard, but if you’re doing this to give her a good experience, you’re going to fuck it all up by upsetting her. If she’s uptight and anxious, this is a waste of time.”
Now the footsteps were heading in her direction.
Though there was blood pumping through her veins in jerky beats, it felt as though her heart stopped when Fordham appeared in the doorway, one hand in his pocket, with a rueful smile curving one side of his mouth. “Hey, sweetheart. Mind if I come in?”
She shifted nervously, struggling to take a breath.
“Merrick’s taking a moment to get himself under control,” he continued calmly, stepping inside the room. “This is a nasty predicament for both of you. I know it’s not ideal, but he has his heart in the right place.” He gestured to the other side of the fire. “Can I come over there? It’s cold out, even though it’s a short walk.”
Her lips quivered as she nodded.
He walked over, bracing a hand on the mantel. He wasn’t as thickset in build as Merrick, leaner in several areas. There wouldn’t be the same comforting weight on top of her when he…
“Merrick said you’ve agreed to this, Tamsyn. Before we go any further, I want to confirm that for myself. Are you okay with it, honestly?”
Not with any part of it, but what choice did she have? Merrick wasn’t going to do it, and there was no chance of deeper intimacy between them until her virginity was in the past.
When she nodded unhappily, Fordham sighed. “This bodes well. I know I’m not the one you really need, sweetheart. There’s nothing to stop you changing your mind at any point, I want to make that crystal fucking clear. Normally, we use the light system as a safeword—red for stop, yellow for wait, green for go—but we have your vocal issues to take into consideration.”
Tamsyn remembered having this conversation with Merrick. She raised her shaking hand and, although it took a couple of attempts, managed to snap her fingers with a clear burst of noise.
“That solves that problem.” Fordham winked at her. “What happens here tonight is… I’m a tool, sweetheart. Nothing more, nothing less. I’m not going to ask anything of you other than to relax and try to enjoy yourself. I won’t try to kiss you, I don’t want to take anything from you. As far as I’m concerned, you belong to Merrick. Okay?”
She glanced toward the doorway, hoping the man in question would be there.
“There’s going to be a little pain, maybe some blood. That’s all normal. I’m clean—no sexually transmitted diseases or infections—but I’ll wear a condom anyway.”
Her toes began to curl, her muscles seizing.
Her mouth was dry.
Fordham straightened and held his hand out. “Ready to take a little walk with me?”
Just get it over with before you freak out and throw up .
With one last longing look at the door, Tamsyn reached out slowly and set her hand in his. It was warm, his skin smoother than Merrick’s, the shape of it all wrong. Those pesky tears returned to sting her eyes as she took one faltering step after another, following Fordham as he gently guided her toward the bedroom.
“That’s a good girl. Just breathe, sweetheart.”
Sweat pearled on her skin beneath the robe, cold and foreboding. Her chest rose and fell in hard, shallow jerks, matching the sound of her breath huffing through her parted lips. She tripped over her own feet at the threshold.
“Don’t be afraid, Tamsyn. Everything’s fine. Just relax, and when you’re ready, take off the robe.” He released her hand when they reached the bed. “I can go as fast or as slow as you need me to, okay? One snap of your fingers and it all stops.”
He reached back over his head, gripping his sweater and shirt by the neck, and pulled them off in one fluid move. Muscles rippled, not as defined as Merrick’s, as he turned to set his clothing aside. His skin was paler, decorated in ink of various colors, and he had a thin trail of dark hair leading down from his navel.
He must have left his jacket and boots at the door when he came in, she thought numbly, watching his hands move to his belt buckle. Obviously, he was a man used to getting naked in front of strange women, because he certainly had no qualms about doing so in her presence.
At least he wasn’t procrastinating; he was here to do a job, after all.
Even as her eyes flicked over to the door again, she knew Merrick wasn’t coming. Part of her waited for him, sure he would come to his senses and stop this whole thing before… well, it wasn’t happening, so there wasn’t any point in getting her hopes up.
Shoulders drooping, she toyed with the belt of the robe, working the knot at her waist loose. The fabric gaped open down her middle, revealing the valley between her breasts, the stretch of untanned skin of her abdomen, the dark curls at the apex of her thighs.
That small amount of exposure made her feel more naked than actually being naked in front of Merrick did.
Fordham pulled a foil square from his pocket before his jeans plummeted to the carpet. He kicked them away, bending to strip off his socks, then straightened. His smile was patient, maybe a bit sympathetic. “All the way, sweetheart. You’re almost there.”
Heart heavy, spirit defeated, Tamsyn let the material slide off her shoulders to pool around her bare feet. She didn’t wait for him to coax her onto the bed, she just crawled on top of the covers and rolled onto her back, staring at the ceiling.
It would be over soon.
Opening the package in his hand, Fordham rolled a thin sleeve over his erection before he sat beside her, laying his hand on hers. “I don’t know how you want me to do this, Tamsyn. We can take it slow, me touching you, giving you a chance to get used to me—”
God, no.
“—or we can just forge ahead and get it done.” He glanced down when her fingers twitched. “Figured that would be what you preferred. Are you okay with me on top?”
The nauseous feeling intensified, a full body shudder ripping through her, but she jerked her head in assent. She stiffened when he stroked a hand down her front, that smooth palm all kinds of wrong, to cover her mound.
“I’m not going to hurt you, Tamsyn. I just need to make sure you’re ready before…” Fordham’s blue eyes were roaming over her face, reading her, but she couldn’t meet them. “Take a nice, slow breath, sweetheart.”
She tried not to grimace when his fingers teased her sex—he wasn’t a bad man, she didn’t want to offend him—but it was all wrong . The length and thickness of his fingers, the texture of his skin, the weight and movement of his touch as he circled her entrance, dipping lightly into her dryness.
He made a low noise in his throat. “It’s okay to be scared, sweetheart. We both know I’m not Merrick, and that’s who you want. Need you to help me a bit here, because I’m not going to fuck you dry. What do you like? Nipple play, clit stimulation, dirty talk?”
Tamsyn bit her lip.
“Hmmm. Okay, let’s try a different way.” As graceful and elegant as a wolf stalking through the forest, Fordham shifted position, fluidly moving from sitting beside her to being on top of her. His forearms braced his weight by her head, the heat from his body soaking into her skin. His erection settled against her sex, rubbing lightly against her clit.
Pressure built in her chest, constricting her throat.
“Nothing needs to happen, Tamsyn. If you’re not ready, we can stop.” His dark head bent to press his lips to the pulse in her neck, skimming down along her shoulder. “Your heartbeat is going a mile a minute; I can feel your bones trembling. Snap your fingers, sweetheart.”
A sob heaved out of her, her stomach muscles forcing a plaintive cry into the open.
“ Merrick! ”
It was garbled and hoarse, sounding more like Merk , and it wasn’t until her throat felt scorched that she realized the word came from her. Dissolving into a whining, sobbing mess, she chanted his name over and over again.
“Good girl, Tamsyn. It’s okay.” In a heartbeat, Fordham was no longer on top of her. Grabbing the blanket from the foot of the bed, he bundled her into it and picked her up, stroking her back as she sobbed Merrick’s name into his shoulder.
When he strode from the bedroom, she just cried harder.
*