Tamsyn
Did he know how many ways he broke her?
Physically, she was a wreck—her body was humming on another level, practically vibrating in the aftermath of whatever the hell Merrick just unleashed on her. She was exhausted, feeling torn apart on the outside and battered to within an inch of her life inside; she didn’t want him to move, not when she knew how bruised and sore that oversized weapon of his was going to leave her.
Mentally, he’d gouged out large chunks of pre-established beliefs and reprogrammed her worst habits using pain and pleasure as his curriculum of choice—unlike Jedidiah, whose sole method of teaching was pain, pain, and more pain until the lesson was learned.
And then there was the emotional aspect.
What he made her feel was… unimaginable. No matter what he did, she never felt like her life was in danger. On the contrary, it was as though everything he put her through was designed to do just the opposite. She was safe, secure, protected.
Always my good girl .
He loved her.
“Love you, Merk.” She slurred the words, breathless and exhausted.
“Love you too, little owl.” He kissed the tiny hollow behind her ear, then shifted carefully, extricating himself from inside her as he started to soften.
“Don’t…” she whispered.
Merrick hesitated. “Don’t?”
“Don’t leave…” No, that wasn’t what she meant. “Don’t pull out.”
“Darlin’, wish I could stay right here for the rest of my life, but my cum is gonna starting leaking out of the damn condom into this unprotected pussy if we’re not careful.” He nuzzled her neck, his beard tickling her oversensitive skin. “Can’t say I’m opposed to watching this flat belly swell nice and round with my baby, little owl, but if I’m gonna be a dad, I’m gonna put the effort in. Lots of raw, unadulterated fucking. Breeding you over and over until my cum does it’s damn job.”
Tamsyn stiffened at the thought of being pregnant, years of brainwashing haunting her. Memories of women trying and failing to conceive for their husbands, only to end up with their lifeless bodies being thrown off the cliff for nature to dispose. Children like her left motherless and at the mercy of their fathers, trained to become the next available hole or to continue the atrocities.
“And then there’s this reaction,” Merrick murmured softly. “You need to be willing and ready for it, Tamsyn. Open to being a mother and loving a child. The community taught you to believe if you don’t conceive, you die. The upbringing of your child is taken out of your hands. I don’t doubt the elders use the safety of the kids as a leash around your neck, relying on a mother’s instincts to protect her babies to keep you at heel.”
His ability to understand the community was remarkable, really. She supposed it was a good thing that he was able to source her triggers so easily, even when it made her cringe at the idea that he knew so much about the depth and severity of the abuse she, and others like her, suffered for years.
“I want it,” she whispered again, her voice too small. “If you do.”
He sighed and kissed her shoulder. “Little owl, making a baby with you is right up there at the top of my must do list, trust me. I want everything with you, from getting a ring on your finger to making a family and everything else in between. I should’ve known when I found you in the closet that you’d changed something in me.”
She glanced at him over her shoulder. “Really?”
“Really. My priorities were no longer focused on the club or the clients, or my job—and for a long time, my job has been the only thing consistent in my life, no matter where I was. You stumbled into my world, and suddenly, all I cared about was your health, your comfort, you. That’s a once in a lifetime deal, little owl; you’re mine now, which means there’s nothing more important to me than you.”
That was the final blow to the chisel carving his name in her heart.
It was there, an imperfect scrawl of gold letters etched into a ruby.
The most priceless gift she had to offer.
“I-I want that.” She hated that she felt heavy and languid. Her heart was finally finding a steadier beat, calming down after marathon, exhilarating sex. “The ring. The family. The babies.”
“Yeah?” He couldn’t hide the hope in his voice. “I figured the chances of you being open to any of that just yet might be slim. Suggesting them is one thing, doing them is another.” His hand stroked down her side to claim her hip. “We have to consider PTSD, Tamsyn. You know what that is?”
Her mind was stepping back a notch. “Penis Transmitted Sexual Deviancy?”
“I—” Laughter roared through him. “Where the hell did that come from?”
Her lips curved; she loved hearing him laugh. “Wherever words are.”
“Christ, woman, I adore you. For starters, sexual deviancy isn’t transmitted by a penis, little owl. Kink is… it can be learned, but a lot of the time, it’s just part of you. Nothing to be ashamed or scared of; it’s simply a key that fits a lock.” Merrick eased out of her despite her protesting mewl. “PTSD is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Tamsyn. That’s a whole new key for a different kind of lock. The kind that brings ghosts to life and memories into the present. You lived in a constant nightmare where marriage and babies walked hand in hand with rape and murder. That leaves scars.”
“Not there anymore,” she mumbled. “With you.”
“Mmm-hmm, and right here with me is where you’re gonna stay, darlin’, come hell or high fucking water.” Rolling her gently onto her back, he smiled down at her, more gorgeous than an avenging angel returning from war. Sweat glistened over his skin, catching the light as his chest still rose and fell in quick, exerted breaths. Muscles he could have used to break her picked her up carefully instead, handling her tender body with ease.
A silver-haired angel with hooded green eyes darkened by satisfaction.
Snuggling her cheek against his heart, Tamsyn closed her eyes. “I don’t care about PTSD or triggers. It is what it is. Being afraid is horrible, but I’ve been afraid my whole life. It’s worth it to be here with you. I’d go through anything to be with you.”
“Well, then, I…” Merrick cleared his throat as his voice thickened. “Baby or ring first, little owl?”
“You choose,” she murmured sleepily, barely aware of her surroundings changing from bedroom to bathroom. “I don’t mind.”
“Ring it is,” he told her quietly. “Just don’t be surprised if I knock you up before the wedding.”
Her lips curved. “I’ll marry you tomorrow, ‘kay?”
He laughed and switched on the shower. “Darlin’, don’t tempt me. It can be arranged.”
Did it really matter whether it was tomorrow or a year from now? She knew from experience how quickly life changed; time wasn’t guaranteed and death was a surety.
Spending whatever time she had left with Merrick, wearing his ring and taking his name, carrying his children and building an honest life full of love, seemed like the perfect fate for a woman who never thought she’d see real love, let alone have it for herself.
Warm water sluiced over her head when Merrick stepped into the stall, turning so the stream didn’t catch her full in the face. He was so thoughtful that way—in all ways, really. He made sure her comfort was at the forefront of everything he did, even when he was making her do something unpalatable.
He lowered her feet to the floor, holding her hips when she swayed.
She peered up at him. “Make it happen, Merrick? You and me, and the marriage person?”
“The marriage… oh, you mean the officiant. Tell you what, give me a few days to organize things. We need a license and all the legal shit…” He trailed off, frowning down at her. “Well, fuck.”
His tone cleared some of the sleepy fog from her head. “Did I do something wrong?”
“No, darlin’. Might just need more than a few days to get everything in order. Don’t suppose you know if your father bothered registering you with the state when you were born? If he has a birth certificate for you?”
Silly man. Laughing softly through her nose, making little huffing noises, Tamsyn shook her head and tipped it back into the water. “None of us are legal—not the girls, anyway. Disposable, remember? Hard to keep the community concealed and cover up the death rate if they report everyone who dies. Only the boys who show physical and genetic promise are given official documents—the ones who might benefit the community using the outside world when they come of age.”
“I’m looking forward to the day Tabitha burns that shithole to the ground,” Merrick grumbled, snaring her attention. As she lifted her head, the weight of her wet hair hanging down her back, she watched him strip off the used condom, tie a knot in it, and toss it toward the trashcan by the sink.
He really did have a nice penis, she thought, still amazed she managed to take that thing into her body. It hung between his legs, fat and long, passing the time until some signal in his brain told it to wake up and wreck her.
“I’m gonna talk to Evander,” he continued, seemingly oblivious to her admiration. “He’s well connected, maybe he can help expedite the process of making you legal. Make no mistake, there’s gonna be a ring on your finger by the end of the week, little owl, but the actual ceremony part might take longer than we like.”
“Mmm-hmm.” Did it just twitch? Did it know her eyes were caressing it, stroking the thick vein running along the under curve of the shaft?
“Don’t even think about riling it up again, Tamsyn,” Merrick warned with a chuckle, telling her he knew exactly where her attention was aimed. “Your pussy can’t handle me again so soon, and I have plans for your ass. Eyes up here before you get yourself into trouble.”
Thighs pressing together, she obeyed. Her core was spectacularly tender, every inch of her bruised in a not unpleasant manner. Her abused muscles still felt fluttery and tingly, as though summoning the ghosts of her orgasm.
Lathering his hands in lavender scented body wash, he began to soap her up, starting with her neck and kneading the muscles with strong fingers, working his way down her arm. “Gonna propose properly when I’ve got the ring, but for now, I’ll promise you this, little owl: you’re gonna want for nothing. Loving you isn’t just the honor of giving you my heart, it’s taking care of yours.”
“Because you love me,” she whispered, closing her eyes as the touch of his hands did something wonderful to her brain.
“Because I fucking adore you,” Merrick corrected. “I’m not a man who believes in divorce, darlin’. Not with you, anyway. It’s gonna be until death do we part, because I can’t imagine a future without you in it. When I take my last breath, it’s gonna be with your hand in mine, when I’m surrounded by our kids and grandkids, maybe a few great-grands thrown in there.” He bent and kissed the top of her shoulder. “When I go to the next life, it’s gonna be with the feel of your skin against mine, a lifetime of memories in my head, and the last thing I’m gonna see is these beautiful eyes I fell in love with when I pulled you out of a damn storage closet. Then I’m gonna wait for you, Tamsyn. I’m gonna wait for you in every life, because you’re my fucking soulmate.”
Tears stung her eyes. “What if I die first?”
Merrick’s hands grabbed her hips and lifted her; she automatically wrapped her legs around his waist as her eyes popped open. Belatedly, she realized she hadn’t protected her cast from the water, but it didn’t matter when his gaze burned into her, wiping all other thoughts but him from her brain.
The heavy sincerity in his voice curled around her, holding her every bit as tightly as his arms. “Well now, if you lead, little owl, I’ll be damn sure to follow. You don’t have to worry about that.”
It was just that simple.
Me and you, forever and ever, no matter what happens or comes our way.
Somehow, that struck her on a deeper level than I love you , even though those three words scored her soul like a hot brand. She was loved so much, he was prepared to follow her, wait for her, through whatever life and death had in store for them, and she…
She was the luckiest woman alive.