Chapter Seven #5
The bar was quiet for mid-afternoon. Most of the Masters were working, club guests were either playing or next door in the restaurant.
Jonah was manning the bar for the few clients lounging in the seats, and Tamsyn was noticeably absent on a socialization playdate with Callie and Sierra, much to her horror.
“Maybe we resolved a couple of issues,” Violet said carefully. “I swallowed some of my anger and pride. Reaux made some valid points and his explanation was… reasonable.”
“Did it ease the hurt?”
“Some, I guess. I have a better comprehension of what he was thinking, why he did what he did. I just… what we had was so strong, so resilient, until that point. Then it fractured, shattered. Nothing that broken can ever be fixed again the way that kind of trust needs to be.”
Merrick pursed his lips thoughtfully. “Nope.”
“That’s helpful,” she snarked.
“Well, it’s the truth. Trust is a precious commodity, especially among our community.
Domination and submission both require an inordinate level of trust; what we do involves too much of our physical, emotional, mental selves to risk them without it.
” Patient eyes locked on hers. “Ever hear of Kintsugi?”
“Is that a distant relative of Shibari?”
He laughed, deep and full. “Far from it. It’s a traditional Japanese artform, used to preserve history rather than throwing it away. They take a broken piece of pottery, use lacquer mixed with gold, silver, or platinum, and restore the object to its former glory.”
She shot him a bemused look. “It’s hardly returned to its former glory if it’s got gold streaks running through it.”
“True. Maybe not former glory, then—new, redefined glory. What was broken and useless becomes a statement, a worthless trinket turns into a piece of art.”
“Or everything that was wrong with it is forever on display for everyone to see.”
“Isn’t that what history is? Looking back to see the flaws and failures, the successes and triumphs?
Learning from past mistakes and bringing that knowledge to the future.
If you can find something stronger than the ashes of that ruined relationship to Kintsugi that bond, you’re not highlighting your failures, Vi.
You’re making a loud and clear statement, acknowledging the damage while fixing it. ”
“Slapping superglue on it won’t guarantee it holds. The weakness is there.”
“It is if you believe trust is a solid, immovable thing. Think of it more fluidly. It shifts, ebbs and flows, grows and shrinks depending on who you’re linked with at the time.
A flexible entity can break, can shatter, if pushed to the extreme.
It can also withstand a great deal more pressure than what we believe. ”
“Anyone would think you want me to forgive the jackass.”
Merrick’s lips twitched. “I like the guy.”
“Everyone likes the fucking guy,” she muttered to herself. She sighed and rolled her lip between her teeth. “We’re giving it another try. Don’t look so smug, it has nothing to do with you or any of the other nosy idiots around here.”
“Idiots who love you,” he reminded her, “and like the jackass.”
“I get it; he has the universal seal of approval.”
“Which would be immediately revoked if he hurt you again. We love you, Vi,” Merrick repeated solemnly, “and we want you to be happy. He does make you happy when your guard’s down. Maybe you think we can’t see it or maybe you don’t, but he’s ready to step up to the plate.”
“He scares me.”
“How?”
Where to begin? “He has a violet tattooed on his chest for every year we were together, plus the two we weren’t.
There’s an ring in his pocket he upgrades every year, and a whole world he’s built for me back home; he wants marriage and kids, for us to rule like royalty over his kingdom.
He has the potential to drown me again, pull me under until I’m the adoring submissive fawning over his every command. ”
Merrick’s eyebrow quirked inquisitively. “Is that what he wants? You, submissive?”
She flicked her eyes over to the man in question, losing herself for a moment in the beauty of him laughing with Jonah. The sonofabitch was vexatious and provocative; if she were fanciful, she might say there was an aura around him, shimmering with warmth and vitality, oozing charm.
It was annoying how easily he slid into everyday conversations like he’d been here for years.
“No. The opposite, actually. He’s expressed a desire for us to be equals.” Violet took a slow breath, then tackled the ache that had been straining her heart for the past two days. “I’m leaving, Merrick.”
The big guy moved a hell of a lot faster than she expected. In a heartbeat, he processed those three words, straightened in his chair, and thumped a fist on the table, making her juice and his barely touched beer bounce. “Like fuck you are.”
Slowly, like a heat-seeking missile, his head turned slowly to lock Reaux in his sights. “Is it him? If he’s making you up stakes against your will, I will go flatten him like wallpaper.”
She couldn’t help it, she laughed. “What happened to ‘we like the jackass’?”
“Feelings change.”
Reaching over the table, she laid her hand on his tense forearm.
“Stand down, big guy. Reaux isn’t responsible for this decision.
Not entirely anyway. I came here because the bosses wanted me, and I needed an excuse to leave home.
I was a shadow for the first year after the breakup, spending more time avoiding the places I loved just to make sure I didn’t run into him than I did living an independent life.
Coming here finally broke me out of the cycle of being submissive in everyone’s eyes. I owe Evander and Eli for that.”
He harrumphed. “Then you stay and pay the debt.”
“In Evander’s eyes, I already have. He’s the one who pointed out how lackluster my work has become, how unhappy I’ve been as the months passed.
I’m going with their blessing, Merrick.” Patting his arm, she settled back and took a sip of apple juice.
Nerves were drying her mouth. “Whether I go on my own or with Reaux is another question entirely.”
“Guess the South can’t live without its queen.
” Clearly unhappy, Merrick rubbed his jaw.
“Can’t argue against it if it’s your decision, Vi.
You need to do what’s right for you in the long run.
Something for you to think about though…
sit down with the girls and tell them before they hear about it elsewhere.
Tamsyn’s gonna be heartbroken, but Callie and Sierra, even Tabitha in her own way…
hell, they all think of you like an adopted mother. ”
It was an aspect she’d been forced to consider throughout her back and forth wavering.
At the end of the day, the choice didn’t just affect her.
The family fabric she’d woven herself into over the last twelve months wouldn’t fall apart once her thread was removed, but it would fray in sections for a time.
Someone else would come along and patch themselves into the tapestry, smoothing the ragged edges of her departure and strengthening the piece as a whole.
The four women she’d come to know and love were more than friends, more than submissives. She’d been there through some of their hardest struggles, watched them grow and become assertive women in their own right, and it was honor to be included in that journey.
“That, I think, will be more difficult than actually leaving.”
“Can I be frank?”
“You can be whomever you want to be,” she shot back, smiling when Merrick rolled his eyes at her. “You know I treasure your wisdom, oh mighty Master Merrick. Please, bestow some upon me now.”
“Not gonna miss your wisecracking ass if you keep it up,” he grumbled, then drummed his fingertips on the table.
“They’re smart women. Intelligent, compassionate, empathetic in some cases.
Between the four of them, they’ve faced some of the worst abuse—physical, psychological, emotional—and come out as survivors.
Losing you is gonna hurt. Bad. Once they know why, they’ll understand. Just be straight with them.”
“This coming from the big, bad Dom who asked another big, bad Dom to—”
Merrick glowered at her. “My faults are my own, Violet.”
“And Tamsyn still loves you despite the… enormity of them.” Violet smirked when he blushed just enough to let her know she’d hit her mark.
“God, I’m going to miss you. I think about going and there’s a weight on my shoulders pressuring me to stay exactly where I am.
I think about staying and everything in me begs to go home. How am I supposed to win?”
Merrick’s big hand covered hers, his fingers curling around her much smaller ones.
“Living isn’t about winning. Do you think Tamsyn thought about winning when she ran away from the compound, or Tabitha believes she’s winning every time she does…
what she does? It’s survival, not a game.
Living is being the best person you can be whatever circumstances are thrown your way, learning from your mistakes, finding happiness where it comes—or making your own. ”
“I hate you.”
“You love me,” he corrected smugly, “as much as I love you. Friendship isn’t enough to keep you here when you have that,” he said quietly, pointing across the room at Reaux, “and all its potential waiting for you back home.”
Tears stung her eyes. “What if it all goes south—no pun intended.”
“Well, the Masters are at your beck and call, always. We can head on down to New Orleans and bury the prick if you need him to disappear. If things really don’t work out, pretty sure Van and Eli won’t force you to be homeless if you come back.
We’re only ever a phone call away, Vi. Family is forever. ”
She squeezed his fingers, then slid her hand from his to lift her glass in a toast. “Here’s to my last two weeks at Serenity, then.”
The beer bottle clinked against it. “To family, here and there.”
Yeah, goddamn it, she was going to miss him.