19. The World Won’t End if You Ask for Help
19
THE WORLD WON’T END IF YOU ASK FOR HELP
Rubbing the heels of her hands against her scratchy eyes, Hanna glared at the book in front of her.
Long hours at the library, staring at pages and pages of small font had the words blurring.
Law textbooks were a form of modern torture.
A convoluted construction of words that Hanna understood individually, but together made no sense.
Tension pounded behind her brow and Hanna pressed her fingers against the pressure points.
She was fluent in three languages, almost four.
It should not be this complicated to figure out how to rectify the lawsuit filed against her.
Next to her laptop, a pad of legal paper (she would appreciate the irony later) sat with notes scrawled in her slanted penmanship.
What originally started as a numbered list of items to check off soon became a diagram more closely in-tune with a conspiracy theory board, arrows and lines connecting one thought to another, underlines and circles highlighting others.
If she ever doubted that the legal system was designed to gatekeep regular citizens out of knowledge, her time spent pouring over legislative books and online articles slapped Hanna back to reality.
The internet was supposed to help connect people to knowledge, but each search on how to fight a lawsuit against client poaching was like trying to navigate through a maze.
Where the walls kept moving.
And Hanna was blindfolded.
And there was quicksand.
Everything about this process pointed to needing an attorney, but after several phone calls with intake representatives from law firms that specialized in these types of cases, Hanna was left adrift with crippling hopelessness.
Yes, her case did qualify for representation and they would be more than happy to take her on as a client, but only if she was able to pay the retainer fee.
Which Hanna did not have.
What she had in savings Hanna needed to keep for living expenses in the event this legal battle kept her away from work for months.
Hanna already had to turn down a new client prospect because she did not know if she would be available.
A few more clients, in addition to the Delgados, called over the past few days to cancel their trips, claiming conflicts of interest, but Hanna knew the real reason was that Trips Ahoy had contacted them about the lawsuit.
The loss in business was a hit to both her finances and her pride, and Hanna wanted this settled quickly to prevent more damage to her reputation.
The thought had occurred to Hanna to contact her family and ask for a loan, but her relationship with them was still precarious, and she was afraid that any possibility of their belief in the viability of her career would shatter faster than Venetian glass if she asked for money.
Slumping forward in despair, Hanna groaned into her notes, closing her eyes briefly against the harsh fluorescent lighting of the library.
It must be later in the evening than she realized, because Hanna could no longer hear the murmured voices of teenagers discussing a group project over their opened textbooks, or the snoring of an elderly man who fell asleep reading a magazine in an armchair.
No, now there was little ambient noise to drown out the constant refrain of failure chanting in her skull.
Hot tears built behind her eyes and Hanna let them roll down her cheeks, wetting the pages beneath her skin.
She tried to do this, fix the problem on her own, but it was not working.
For a self-sufficient, empowered woman who was accustomed to solving every problem on her own and making it appear that there was never a problem to begin with, Hanna was struggling to accept that maybe this was a task where she needed help.
The wet cascade of tears reminded her of the rain at Versailles, huddling with Noah under the limited protection of the window frame in an attempt to keep dry.
Cool, late-spring rain dropping onto their hair, collecting along their eyelashes, sliding down their exposed skin before absorbing into their clothing.
Hanna remembered the bright glow of Noah’s eyes, the resolve in his voice as they argued; her with determination to do everything on her own, him with the desire to help.
Calling her stubborn in that fondly exasperated way.
Was she being too stubborn now?
Noah’s voice replaced her own in her head, replying, “Yes, but you do not have to be. ” She spent every available minute in the library trying to dig herself out of the pit she was in, taking limited breaks to eat and drink, and that was only because of Sarah’s notes about leftovers in the fridge and Noah’s daily texts reminding Hanna that he was thinking of her.
“Miss?” A hand gently grasped her shoulder and shook.
“I’m sorry, but the library is closing. I have to ask you to leave.”
Closing time already?
Hanna sat up slowly and let the dread over another day with no progress wash over her.
Turning to face the librarian, a bespectacled, black man in his early twenties, Hanna clocked the look of pity in his hazel eyes.
“Are you okay? If you need help, or are in a bad situation, I can put you in contact with some resources.”
Hanna knew that she looked exhausted, dark circles under her eyes and the dull cast to her usually glowing skin a result of the combination of sleepless nights and lack of sunshine.
But knowing you look exhausted and seeing the looks people give you when you clearly are not at your best are two separate issues.
“I am alright. Thank you, though. Just some long days and nights. Sorry to have kept you, I did not realize how late it was. Let me just put these books away before I go.”
“No need, I can take care of those for you,” he said as he gathered up the books, noting the titles.
“I have some friends in law school, and they talk about the intense hours all the time. You could check the books out if you wanted and then you could save time by studying at home instead of here.”
Another person eager to help her, even if only because it was his job.
Though, the kelly green sweater with the words “Read More Books” covering his torso was a testament to how much he loved his job.
“Thank you, but I think that I got all I could from those books.” Hanna stuffed her notepad into her purse, shouldering the strap and following the librarian towards the entrance.
Something about his presence had Hanna opening up to him.
“I am not in law school,” she explained.
“Just someone getting sued, and unless you have a book on where to get enough money to pay a lawyer, I do not think anything else could help at this point.”
Hanna’s voice cracked on the last word and she stuffed down the painful emotion.
The last thing she needed was to delay the librarian’s shift ending by breaking down in front of him.
“Hey, don’t forget what I said.” He shrugged with the books stacked in his arms, “The library is a great place for resources, especially if you don’t have anyone else to help you out. We all need help from time to time. ”
Hanna thanked him again and walked out the door.
In the fading light of dusk, Hanna took the bus back to Sarah’s house, the librarian’s words stuck in a loop in her head.
He made asking for help seem so easy, like it was a given that people would offer their assistance freely, with no expectations in return.
Was she letting the past cloud her present, the fight to prove herself against all odds closing her off to the potential that having others’ support could bring?
Walking through the front door, Hanna took off her shoes and placed her keys on their hook, pausing briefly at the note taped there.
Hanna, it read, delivery for you on the kitchen table and dinner in the fridge.
Don’t work too hard.
X Sarah
Taking the note with her, Hanna gasped as she entered the kitchen.
There, centered on the table was a small bouquet of flowers.
Tulips, peonies, and roses all burst with color, their perfumed scent filling the room and reminding Hanna of time spent in Monet’s Garden.
Laughing and painting with Noah, playfully drawing him out of his shell when he was more focused on getting the painting perfect than enjoying the experience.
Bright emotion filled her chest as Hanna reached out to pluck the notecard with her name on it from the blooms.
I miss the way your eyes light up when you see something beautiful, how you radiate joy and make the ordinary extraordinary.
I hope these flowers remind you of the beauty found not in perfection, but in the progress of doing something you love.
Selfishly, I hope they also remind you of me.
Yours Always, Noah
The card fell to the floor as Hanna lifted the flowers to her nose, inhaling deeply.
She wanted the scent and touch of the flowers to transport her back to happier times, when she was playing in a garden with Noah, paint splatters on their clothing and skin.
Her heart was empty without him, like a boat untethered from its anchor, bobbing aimlessly in a churning sea.
Reading his words on the card made her ache for him, missing the understanding and acceptance she felt in his arms.
In a rush, Hanna realized that she was hurting for no reason.
Noah would never judge her for feeling overwhelmed and lost against the uncertainty of the lawsuit.
No, being with him was like having a light shine through the darkness, illuminating the path forward.
Needing him, asking for help, would not make her weak, but instead would make her stronger because he would be at her side.
And he was not the only one.
In her own way, Sarah was showing her support through the containers of leftovers in the fridge, the countless conversations around the kitchen table, and the friendship offered freely.
Miles away, Will was texting her daily jokes to lift her spirits, asking if Hanna wanted him to slash someone's tires in retaliation.
Joking aside, Hanna knew that they loved her, not for what she could do for them, but for who she was. Without meaning to, Hanna let these chosen people inside her heart and found a home in their hearts as well. Now she knew that the right people would be there for you, even if you were miles away.
Bringing the flowers with her to display on her bedside table, Hanna pulled out her phone.
“Noah,” she croaked when he picked up. Her voice was scratchy after days of crying and spending every waking moment working on a solution to the lawsuit.
His voice was rushed, slightly out of breath as if he raced to pick up the call on the first ring. “Hanna?”
“I need help,” she admitted. Instead of feeling like defeat, knowing that she had to rely on someone else, Hanna felt a weight lift off her chest. Relief filled her and made her lighter than she felt in days. Knowing that Noah would not judge her for needing help, Hanna could now see how having others to rely on was a blessing, not a burden. Asking for help did not mean that she failed, it was simply accepting the reality that Hanna could not control everything and was not an expert in all fields.
“I’ll be right there,” his rich voice reassured her.
An hour later, Noah’s sharp rap sounded on the door.
“I brought your favorite chocolates.” He held out the iconic gift bag tied with brown ribbon. “And some tea.”
Hanna rushed into his arms, ignoring the gifts in favor of being held by him. She buried her face in the crook of his shoulder and inhaled his familiar scent. The simple fragrance, free of fuss or frills, was so like Noah that it put a smile on her face. He did not try to be anything other than who he was and as Hanna stood within the warm comfort of his embrace, she felt like she could breathe for the first time in days. Without asking any questions, Noah responded to her request for aid immediately, setting aside whatever she had called him away from to get to her as quickly as traffic allowed. Somehow, Hanna knew that would always be the case with him, that Noah would prioritize her above all else. She could weather any storm if he was beside her and peace sprung in Hanna’s chest, spreading to every edge of her body.
Tipping her face up to look Noah in the eyes, Hanna’s voice was thick with emotion.
“I love you.”
Surprise flickered across his face before it was replaced with a display of joy. The corners of his lips melted into a smile, blue eyes sparkling in the glow of the porchlight.
“That’s good, because I am out of my mind in love with you.”
Dizzying delight burst within Hanna like fireworks. There was a fullness to her chest that contradicted how light she felt at hearing his words. Still, Hanna could not resist teasing him.
“Out of your mind, huh? It is a good thing I am smart enough for us both then. Luckily, you have a pretty face.”
Loud and free, Noah laughed as he picked Hanna up to spin her around.
“Minx,” he called her without malice.
Wrapping her legs around his waist, Hanna nuzzled into his neck as Noah carried her to her room. Settling against the headboard, Noah cradled Hanna in his lap, long legs stretched out in front of him–after kicking off his shoes of course. He set her gift down on the nightstand, smiling when he saw the flowers already prominently displayed where she could see them first thing when she woke. Smoothing his hands down Hanna’s hair and back, Noah’s smile disappeared into a frown when he saw the dark circles under her eyes.
Though his presence and expression of love, both verbal and nonverbal, rejuvenated her, Hanna was running on fumes. Days of endless research drained her, the comfort of Noah’s lap relaxing her enough to no longer feel the pressure to keep up appearances and shoulder the weight of her problems alone. With each pass of his hand, Hanna melted further into him.
“Thank you for coming.”
“There is nowhere else I would be. I’m just glad you finally called. I was desperate enough to see you that I would have shown up on your doorstep even if you did not call. Do you want some chocolate, tea, wine? We can talk, take a nap, whatever you want.”
“A nap? Do I look that bad?” Hanna was only half-kidding.
Noah gently stroked the pads of his thumbs under her eyes.
“Nothing less than beautiful, just a little burnt out.”
“I don’t think I can rest completely until I have a plan of action.”
Noah’s chest vibrated as he chuckled warmly. “I thought that might be the case. Why don’t you talk me through what you’ve already been working on, and we can see if I’m more than just a pretty face?”
That was a good way to approach it, very rational and methodical. Hanna proceeded to tell him about her time in the library, the hours and notes resulting in the endless loop that only a lawyer could help her and without money she could not get a lawyer. Just remembering it had Hanna’s stomach twisting in knots. As she spoke, Noah listened intently, tugging her tighter against him when her tone shifted to dismay.
Remaining silent for a few moments after she finished, brow furrowed in concentration, Noah’s thoughts shifted behind his eyes. Hanna watched as he quickly sorted through the information and disseminated what he needed to move forward, dismissing ideas that would not work. Neither of them were the type of person to present an answer until they knew it was the correct one.
Apparently coming to a decision, Noah’s focus snapped back to Hanna’s face. “Do you think you could eat something while I make some phone calls? I can’t focus unless I know you are feeling better.”
Nodding against his chest, Hanna was relieved to know that Noah had an idea to fix this. Having a task to finally accomplish grounded her, trusting that Noah would not take control over everything, but instead would work as her partner. Sliding out of his arms, Hanna padded to the kitchen, warming two bowls of leftovers as Noah followed behind her, phone already at his ear.
Blowing on the hot chicken soup, Hanna ate while she listened to Noah talk on the phone. Not wasting any time, Noah skipped past pleasantries and jumped right into the conversation.
“Hey,” Noah greeted the person on the other line with familiarity, “remember that favor you owe me? Well, I’m cashing it in. You free?”
Noah listened to the response, hearing something that made him laugh deeply.
“Tomorrow?” He raised a brow at Hanna in question. As if she had anything else pressing on her schedule. Hanna nodded.
“Yeah, tomorrow works. Just text me the details.”
Hanna puzzled over the brusk, one-sided conversation. Grateful that Noah was wasting no time and curious to find out who he was talking to, she listened closely. At his pointed look toward her bowl of soup, Hanna continued eating. Not even five minutes into the conversation and Noah was already saying goodbye. Setting his phone down on the table, Noah leaned back in his chair.
“That was my friend, Bennett. He’s a lawyer and one of the smartest people I know. He’ll know how to tackle this lawsuit.”
Gratitude warred with embarrassment. “Thank you, Noah. That was really kind of you to call him, but I cannot pay him.”
At least, not whatever rate was deemed appropriate for those with the esquire honorific.
“You will not have to,” Noah said definitively.
Hanna knew she asked Noah for help, but she still bristled at the idea of him paying for a lawyer.
“Noah, I cannot ask you to pay for that, it’s too much.”
“Nothing is too much for you.” Noah’s voice was laced with sincerity. “Bennett owes me a favor and using it to help you is worth it. It won’t cost you anything. Helping you does not mean I am going to take over. You still have the final decision. If Bennett cannot help you or you do not think he is the right fit, I will find someone else who can help you. You are not in this alone anymore, remember? We will get through this.”
Reaching across the table, Hanna offered her hand to Noah, the weight of his fingers in hers dulling the edge of her discomfort.
“Sorry, I am not used to asking for help and jumped to unfair conclusions. I know that you are just trying to help and I really appreciate it. I want this whole mess behind me so that we can move forward.”
Noah brought her fingers to his lips, dusting them with featherlight kisses. “Me too.”
“So, what is Bennett like?”
“He’s married to his work, brilliant, driven, and fiercely protective of his family. We met in undergrad and he works as legal counsel for his family’s company. I should warn you that he can come across as a bit of a dick when he first meets people, brusk and unsocial, but it’s just because he is insanely focused and analyzing if he can trust you. Once you get to know him, Bennett is…well, not warm, exactly, but he cares deeply for those close to him.”
Hanna teasingly tapped Noah’s shin with her foot. “Sounds like someone else I know. Good thing I know how to charm that type.”
Noah’s eyes flashed with possessive heat. “On second thought, maybe I will keep you far away from him. I know how effective your charm is and I would hate to have to kill my friend for falling in love with you.”
Pretending to ponder the idea, Hanna replied with a sassy tilt of her head. “You’re right. Orange is not a good color for you.”
Her laughter echoed through the room as Noah tickled her until they were both breathless. Feeling more settled than she had in days, Hanna yawned loudly as fatigue swept over her. Scooping her up in his arms, Noah carried her back into her room, silently removing her clothes and tucking her into the bed. Sleepily, Hanna held onto his wrist as he stood, asking him to stay. After cleaning up the kitchen, he returned, stripping down to his boxer briefs and sliding into the bed behind her.
For the first time since they were last together, Hanna slept soundly through the night.