Chapter 19
CADEN
I watched them leave together. Took a sip of my water like it was a shot, and leaned back against the bar with a sigh.
One look was enough to figure the rest of the group hadn’t noticed our little back and forth just now—were probably convinced the reason why I’d rushed to the bar like it had been on fire was because I’d just been really thirsty.
So. I could place the voice from behind me as the bartender’s. When I turned, the amused look on her face surprised me, though.
Her black hair trimmed just above the shoulders, arms covered in a bunch of small tattoos. She wore dark eye makeup, long lashes probably fake. She was pretty, all in all. Maybe a few years older than me. Twenty-seven, at most.
I could go home with her, I thought. Leave this entire mess, this hot-and-cold game with Valentina, behind, and get lost in a woman that actually wanted me. But I dismissed the thought almost as quickly as it had come—nothing about that seemed exciting, for some reason.
So, I echoed, raised my glass at her in another thanks. Her eyes, just like mine had, were trailing after Valentina and Finn-ick. When they jumped back to me, it seemed like she was holding back a laugh.
You already hooked up? Or about to?
I groaned, and she finally let her laugh slip. Without another word, like my reaction had been answer enough, she tended to another customer down the line.
We stayed at Blitz for another hour. An hour of pretending not to be far more interested in Valentina and Finnick—sitting in the sand, by the water, talking and laughing and flirting, probably—than whatever conversation was going on around me.
We’d had a perfect view of them from our table up here, so it was hardly my fault if I made use of it.
At least I wasn’t thinking about that declined job offer anymore. And, I thought, at least Valentina had left with us, and not him. I wasn’t sure what I would’ve done otherwise—I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know.
But being alone in a room with her also meant we were back to arguing with each other. Bickering like little kids.
There’s no way. She shook her head, firm in her stance.
She’d changed out of her denim skirt and tank top into something a little warmer—sweatpants and a tank top.
Instead of flip-flops, she was wearing sneakers.
Because she was about to go for a walk. It was almost midnight, and it was a full moon.
Why did half of her bucket list have to be outside, in the middle of the night?
Valentina, I snickered, like she should know better. She should.
Instead of listening, she opened the door out of our room. I followed her into the hallway, and she managed to ignore me all the way down the stairs, through the hallway, until we were outside. Which was where I reminded her, We had a deal.
We’d hook up, then I’d help her with that list. At least for me, it had been a win-win, when I’d been in no position to make demands in the first place.
Caden! she snapped—continued walking, though. Probably hoping to get away from me. I’m pretty sure our deal is off the table. Don’t you think?
Her tone wasn’t ideal, but at least she was saying more than, I’d rather get kidnapped than have you there.
To which I’d said, I don’t, though.
Aw, I cooed, caught up with her, and adopted her pace. She was walking almost as fast as she’d been running the other day. Why do you say that? A deal’s a deal, I thought.
Because you threatened me! She cried, outraged. In the middle of the road, she screeched to a halt. Turned to look at me. Because you didn’t say a word to me all day. Something in her expression softened, almost like she felt bad for saying, Because you saw me with another guy.
I huffed, honestly a little offended. If you think I feel threatened every time my girl talks to another man, I’m hurt. Go have your fun with Finnick, I’m not worried.
Only that the feeling in my gut when I’d seen them together was new. I hadn’t felt threatened, that much was still true. But I couldn’t deny I hadn’t been worried, either. At least Valentina liked the guy. She was still acting like she despised me, and I’d never had to deal with that before.
Your girl? The amusement in her tone drew me out of my thoughts, only realizing my mistake right then, when she’d already picked up on it. What makes you think I’m yours, Callahan?
Nothing. Nothing at all but wishful thinking.
Which I couldn’t say, obviously.
I shrugged. The way you came around my fingers last night. That you probably wouldn’t be opposed to doing it again.
Her head shot in my direction, cheeks flushed. She glared at me regardless. You threatened me, she repeated, much quieter—not sounding all that angry anymore.
Maybe that was the only anchor point for her, even if I hadn’t meant it. Even if it had happened out of sheer panic, and I hadn’t planned on threatening her. The plan had just been to make one thing very clear: she couldn’t tell a soul about Anova. And I’d accidentally overplayed my role.
But she couldn’t know that, and if she just told herself how awful I was, over and over again, maybe she wouldn’t want to repeat last night. By the look on her face, how she swallowed hard and her eyes traced my lips, she wasn’t succeeding.
And she doesn’t even try to deny it. I hummed, and continued walking. Relief settled in my chest when she followed, How was your date, by the way?
She groaned, but answered. A win was a win. Good.
Think you’ll tick any more things off your list soon? I made sure that mask of indifference on my face stayed put. Please say no, please say no, please say no, a voice in my head chanted in stark contrast to it.
The plan is to tick all of them off by the end of summer, she reminded, voice drenched in lazy irony.
She was relaxing beside me, and perhaps, with patience, I could still get her to enjoy this.
The last thing I’d want was to ruin her summer plans, and that list was a big part of them.
She should be enjoying this—just not by herself, in the middle of nowhere.
With Finnick?
Valentina snickered. Almost laughed, I think. With anyone who doesn’t threaten to tell on me like we’re five years old.
And it kind of just burst out of me. Out of guilt, maybe. Or simply because I didn’t want her to have that reason to stay away from me anymore.
My sister is the reason I still play soccer.
And this much Valentina already knew—at least somewhat.
By the fire, I said I wouldn’t know if I’d still be playing if it wasn’t for her.
That was a lie. In my periphery, I could see her gaze lifting, studying my profile in the bright, cool moonlight.
I looked ahead. I know I wouldn’t be. I don’t really want to anymore.
But it just feels wrong—giving it up. You know?
She hummed in understanding, and I was kind of glad it was her only response.
If I’d told Dylan or Blake or—God forbid—Mike, I’d have heard a thousand opinions by now, and a hundred useless solutions to my nonexistent problem.
Valentina just listened, like she wanted to hear what I had to say, instead of just responding.
I felt bad enough just applying to Anova.
Then they called me back for a second round of interviews, and I felt like I’d spat on my sister’s grave.
By the fourth round, I felt so… guilty, I didn’t even know where to put it all.
So, when Mike asked if I wanted to take over his position—captaining the HBU soccer team—of course I said yes.
What else could I have done? Decline, and officially flush Alison’s dream down the toilet? I couldn’t.
I took a deep breath, head shaking. I just couldn’t.
I hadn’t heard from Anova since accepting that captain-thing, and everything seemed to go back to normal.
I got into the grad program, Mike was on my ass over soccer.
Now I’m here, supposed to be getting back on my A-game.
Everything was good. Like she would’ve wanted. And then—
You got the job offer, she figured, her first words since my outburst. I nodded.
If Mike found out I’m applying for jobs…
Jesus, he’d probably kick me out—never mind keeping me on as captain.
He’d take it away from her, and I can’t have that.
That guy freaks out when you miss practice to take an exam.
I don’t think he’d be happy, knowing soccer isn’t my first and only plan.
If he knew I was considering other options, that would be it.
Hence the threatening.
Hence the threatening, I agreed, and finally managed to look at her. The glance we shared made both of us stop, without a single word exchanged. Valentina considered me—my tense posture, bottom lip between my teeth, brows drawn together tightly—and she fell against my chest.
She wrapped her arms around my torso, head buried in my shirt, squeezing tightly. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d hugged someone—Mom, maybe?—but my arms found themselves around her shoulders regardless.
Her embrace was warm, welcoming. Despite the inches she was missing on my height, it felt safe. The vanilla scent of her shampoo crept up my nose, her breaths even against my chest, and I sighed. Exhaled, and relaxed in sync with it.
What are you gonna do? she asked, voice muffled. About Anova? To look at me, she brought some distance between us, but her touch lingered, like she didn’t really want to let go.
Oh. I waved her off, then brought my hand from her shoulder to her hip. Nothing. I declined.
Her eyes widened. Then, her brows furrowed, disbelief written all over her face. What?
I replied to Pete’s email after he sent the offer over. Thank you, but no thank you.
You didn’t even call them back! Valentina cried. You said no to a six-figure salary in an email! Her confusion turned into full-on denial. You can’t have.
The smile on my lips wasn’t voluntary, but I couldn’t help it. Honestly, after my confession—the first time I’d talked to anyone about this—I’d expected not to smile for at least twenty-four hours. But here I was, suppressing a God damn giggle.
Two sentences, that’s it. I can show you— I was already grabbing my phone out of the pocket of my shorts, but Valentina pushed my hand back in.
As if to recap, she said, Two lines. Then, she nodded. Honestly, Caden, I kind of envy you. You don’t give a shit about anyone else, do you?
Take Alison out of the equation, and she might be right. It didn’t sound like an insult, and I wouldn’t have taken it as such either way.
Not more than about myself, no.
Valentina huffed, started walking back the way we came. I followed. I don’t remember the last time I did anything for myself, she blurted.
I tried to think of a time in the past two weeks in which she had. Said no to plans, suggested something else for dinner or simply disagreed with any of her friends. Nothing came to mind. Even when they’d asked her if she was fine sharing a room with me, she’d lied and said yes.
Hence the list, I figured, same as she had earlier.
Hence the list.
We let the silence between us linger for a while. Steps matching against the road, listening to the constant, high-pitched hum of the cicadas, the sound like a constant stream of electricity. From above, the full moon illuminated our surroundings surprisingly well.
Michael Jackson would be proud of us, fully moonwalking so well.
You have been quite disagreeable with me, though, I mentioned after a while, amusement in my tone.
Because I don’t want you to like me. She shrugged. Because my life would be a whole-lot easier if you didn’t, actually.
Would it? I held her by the arm, right before we’d round the last turn of the road and see the Summerhouse again. It was the same spot we’d stopped at on the way back from our run. The same spot where she’d kissed me, then told me it would change nothing.
Despite our constant bickering, I felt like something had.
Yes, she said, unapologetically. Because you’d just leave me alone, and I wouldn’t have to hold onto every bit of self-restraint to keep away from you.
We were close again, and something dropped to the pit of my stomach at her words—at her proximity, and the look in her eyes that told me she was fighting now, too.
My mouth dipped toward her ear. I’m sorry to disappoint, I whispered, voice strained. But I don’t think there’s anything you can do that would make me leave you alone. I can’t. It’s impossible, Val.
Her breath hitched. Why?
I shook my head, and my lips grazed her skin.
Honest mistake, but neither of us seemed to mind.
I certainly didn’t. I don’t know. I shrugged.
What I do know, though, I began, and brought my face in front of hers again.
You can’t live the one life you have always pleasing the people around you.
Say no sometimes, Valentina. Then say yes other times.
But only because you want to. Not your friends, not your—
Okay, she hurried. Yes.
And kissed me.