Chapter 6
6
Danni had fallen in love with Castaway Cottage when she was very young, after spending holidays there as a child, back when her father had still been alive and they’d been a ‘normal’ family. Her mother had always been at least partly absent, despite her physical presence, her mind often elsewhere – where she’d almost certainly wanted to be too. Nicola had never been cut out to be a parent, but Danni’s father had done a pretty good job of shielding his children from that while he was alive. Once he was no longer around, Nicola’s disinterest had been painfully obvious. Over the years, Danni had often thought about asking her mother why she’d ever decided to have children. It must have been what her father had wanted, and Nicola had simply gone along with it because she wanted to be with him. It had probably never crossed her mind that she might be left to raise her children alone and sending them to boarding school must have been the only solution she could come up with to cope.
Danni’s experiences meant that she had thought about what she might do if she was left to raise a child alone, or if Charlie was, and she’d forced him to discuss it before they’d started trying for a baby, even though it was clear he’d rather talk about almost anything else.
‘Please, Dan. I don’t even want to think about something like that happening.’ He’d pulled her close to him and stroked her hair. It would have been so easy just to lie in his arms and forget that bad things sometimes happened, but she’d needed to know they were on the same page before they started on the most important journey they’d ever embark upon.
‘I know you don’t.’ She’d held his gaze, until he’d finally nodded. Understanding why she had to talk about this so badly. It was so important to her to know that any child she had would be loved unconditionally and wholeheartedly, even if something terrible did happen. She knew Charlie would never send a child away. He was going to be an amazing dad, but there were still things they needed to discuss. Danni wouldn’t expect Charlie to stay on his own for the rest of his life, if she died, but she had to hear from him that any decisions he made would put their child before his future relationship. She knew what she expected him to say – that their child would always come first, no matter what – but she had to be certain and she needed to hear those things from him. It was only once they’d talked it all through that she was ready to try for the baby they both desperately wanted, and who she was praying would have both parents around for a very long time.
She’d expected it to take at least six months, if they were lucky enough to fall pregnant at all, so conceiving in the first month of trying had taken them both by surprise. They’d already planned a wedding, but she’d have been more than seven months pregnant by the time it came around, and they’d decided in the end to postpone the ceremony until after the baby was born. It had nothing to do with the fact her wedding dress definitely wouldn’t have fitted; she couldn’t give a damn about that. But they’d both decided they wanted the baby there, and for them all to celebrate becoming a family together. And now she was so close to having the baby she could feel the excitement. Finally, she’d have her little family of three, and Danni couldn’t wait.
It was a long time since she’d felt like part of a family, but soon she’d have two. She and Joe had clung to one another in the wake of their father’s death, but her heart had been broken all over again when he’d decided to move to Australia. Having him home again had been cause for a celebration, and it was something she tried to do whenever she got the chance. After what had happened to her father, she had a tendency to focus on the what ifs, and worry about things that might never happen, but she was doing her very best to break the habit and focus on all the good things in her life instead. The baby shower Esther had organised would be another wonderful opportunity to do just that. They were holding it in the garden of Castaway Cottage, but providing the venue was the only involvement Danni had had in the day. When Esther had first asked if she could organise a baby shower for her, Danni’s instinct had been to say no, because she didn’t want to tempt fate. But there were so many people who wanted to celebrate the fact that she and Charlie were starting a family. On the day they’d discovered the baby’s sex, her friends from the hospital had thrown an impromptu get-together to mark the news, and they’d all been so excited for her; Esther most of all. So there was no way she could deny her best friend that, or admit even to Charlie just how scared she still was, despite all his reassurances. She hated the fact that she couldn’t just enjoy it. Maybe she’d just got used to longing for another life for far too long. And now that she had so much, it felt like she might wake up from the dream at any moment and discover she was back in the boarding school dorm room, crying out for her parents, and knowing they’d never come.
‘This is so much fun!’ Charlie’s biological mother, Connie, put an arm around Danni and hugged her close. She’d joined her on an outdoor day bed, where Danni was catching her breath after trying to chat to as many people as possible. ‘I’ve just added my contribution to the field of flowers, it’s such a lovely idea.’
‘It really is, isn’t it?’ Amongst all the party games Esther had organised, she’d also bought a huge canvas where everyone had been asked to paint a flower to create a whole field of them, to welcome the new baby to the world. They could hang it in the nursery as a reminder of all the people who’d cared enough to be there, and who couldn’t wait for the baby to arrive. Danni had asked Esther to tell people she didn’t want gifts, partly because the idea had given her that feeling of tempting fate again, but mostly because she just wanted to share the day with everyone that was important to her. She should have known that not everyone would follow those instructions, and rejecting gifts people wanted to give would have been churlish and ungrateful. But despite how generous her friends and family had been, she knew the field of flowers was the thing she’d treasure most of all.
‘Gilly has painted the most amazing sunflower.’ Connie was still smiling, but there was a hint of sadness in her eyes. ‘She’s the one who gave Charlie his love of drawing. I hope the baby shares that too. Either way he’s going to love having grandparents like Gilly and Ray.’
‘He’s going to love having grandparents like you and Richard too. What child wouldn’t want to have a farm to visit whenever he wants to, and be able to ride on the tractor with his granddad?’ It was Danni’s turn to give Connie’s waist as squeeze. ‘He’s very lucky to have two sets of loving grandparents.’
‘I’m sure your mum will fall in love with him too, once’s he’s here.’ The expression in Connie’s eyes had changed again, and they’d blurred with tears. ‘Try not to let it upset you, darling girl. You, Charlie, and the baby all have so many people who love you very much.’
‘I know and we’re really grateful.’ Danni blinked back tears of her own. ‘I should be used to it by now, but just looking around here at everyone… It’s so obvious that someone is missing.’
‘She’s the one who’s missing out and it’s her loss. If she doesn’t realise what amazing kids she has in you and Joe, then she’s an idiot. I’m sorry, but it’s true.’ Connie took hold of her hand. ‘I’ve wished a thousand times that Richard and I hadn’t missed out on seeing Charlie grow up, and knowing that I’ve got the chance to see his little boy grow up and share in his family life, because of you, has made me happier than you’ll ever know. You saved my life after my accident, and you helped me rebuild my relationship with them both. You’re an incredible woman, Danni, and I couldn’t have asked for a better partner for Charlie, or a mother for my grandchild. I know Gilly feels the same, because we’ve talked about it.’
‘And I couldn’t have asked for better mothers-in-law than you and Gilly.’ Danni returned the squeeze of her hand. ‘Most people worry about having a good relationship with their mother-in-law, and would probably be scared of having that doubled, but I’m so glad I’ve got you both.’
‘Are you two okay?’ Charlie suddenly appeared, tilting his head as he looked at them. He didn’t miss much, and it was another occasion where she didn’t need to say anything for him to know what she was thinking. There’d already been tears earlier in the week, when Esther had suggested a guess the baby photo competition, and she’d realised she didn’t have any photographs she could contribute. Not one. After her father’s death, she hadn’t thought of asking her mother to save them, she’d never dreamt that she’d need to. But then most mothers didn’t throw out photographs of their children when they downsized to a new home.
‘It’s just hormones, you know.’ Even as Danni tried to pass it off as nothing, she could tell Charlie wasn’t buying it.
‘It’s a bit more than that.’ Connie’s voice was gentle, and Charlie moved towards them, crouching at Danni’s feet.
‘Is this too much? I can tell everyone you’re not feeling great, and you can go and hide out until they’re all gone. I’ll come with you.’ Charlie’s eyes met hers and she shook her head.
‘No, I’m not going to let my mum ruin any more big moments for me.’ She’d already told Charlie how much it had hurt when her mother hadn’t bothered to show up at her graduation or been a part of any of the other big milestones in her life.
‘How about a game of baby Pictionary then? Esther’s setting the white boards up and we have to draw baby-themed phrases for our team members to guess.’ As Charlie smiled, Danni raised her eyebrows.
‘And I suppose you and I are on opposing teams; that’s hardly fair when everyone thought the cow I drew when we played at Christmas was a T-Rex.’
‘But you’re brilliant in countless other ways, so you’ve got to give me one thing I’m better at. Otherwise, you might not need me for anything.’ Charlie pressed his lips against hers for a moment, but she shook her head as he pulled away.
‘You’re better at so many more things than I am, including always being able to find the positives in any situation, and no one is better at cheering me up than you are.’ She grinned. ‘So I think I might keep you.’
‘Phew!’ Charlie pretended to wipe sweat off his brow, and then took hold of Danni’s hand again. ‘Right, come on, because my team are about to run rings around yours.’
‘Oh, you think so, do you?’
‘I’m every bit as sure of that as I am of the fact that you’re stuck with me until the end.’ Charlie kissed her again as she got to her feet, and the hollowed-out feeling she’d had all afternoon was suddenly replaced by a warm glow of contentment. She had a life she loved, filled with people who cared about her, and whom she cared about just as much. But most of all she had Charlie and their baby, and that was more than she could ever have asked for.
Danni had spent the whole afternoon laughing, mostly at her own attempts to draw the clues Esther gave her. Her depiction of a midnight feed, with what she’d thought was a passable sketch of a mother and baby, had been guessed as a nappy caddy. She just had to hope that their son inherited Charlie’s creativity. She’d love it if the baby was like Charlie in as many ways as possible, but she’d never forget how lucky she was to be expecting a healthy baby. Glancing over at Aidan and his husband, Jase, it was even easier to count her blessings. They were sitting with Danni’s other friends, including Isla, who’d agreed to be their egg donor. But just weeks after making the offer, Isla had discovered she had chronic myeloid leukaemia. It was a condition that could be managed with medication, in a similar way to diabetes, but if she wanted to do a second round of egg donation, she’d have to stop taking her treatment. Aidan had been vehemently against that idea, and they’d agreed if none of the frozen embryos resulted in a pregnancy, that Aidan and Jase would look for a different donor. After the first round of IVF had failed, Danni hadn’t wanted to ask whether they were planning to try again and she’d told Aidan not to feel pressured to come to the baby shower if it was too tough right now. He’d reassured her that he and Jase were fine, and that they’d reminded themselves the odds were stacked against them for it to work first time around. That hadn’t stopped her watching her friend at various points in the afternoon, and checking that he and Jase really were managing okay. She’d been relieved to see them both laughing, but she knew as well as anyone that it was possible to put up a front. After all, most of the guests would probably have no idea how terrified Danni had felt for most of her pregnancy, and she wanted to make sure Aidan didn’t feel he had to put an act on too.
‘We want to go to Australia and New Zealand, early next year, and then on to Japan for when the blossom season is in full swing. We’re intending to be away for three months, so we’ll see what else we can fit in.’ Isla was busy outlining her travel plans to the others, as Danni got to the table. ‘Although it depends how long Reuben can be away from the deli before going into meltdown.’
‘I think Todd is ready to manage the place now, but I’m not going to pretend I won’t be a bit worried.’ Isla’s boyfriend shrugged, before putting his arm around her shoulders. ‘But I wouldn’t miss out on the chance to travel with you, not even if it means the business taking a few steps back.’
‘Me and your Uncle Jase will be keeping an eye on it for you; it’ll give us something to keep us busy.’ Aidan gave his nephew a rueful smile. ‘And of course we’ll make sure Todd is sticking to the recipe for your blondies. Even if we have to taste test them every day!’
‘My heroes.’ Reuben laughed.
‘Come and sit with us and take the weight of that giant beach ball off your feet.’ Aidan pulled out a chair for Danni, and grinned.
‘Only you could get away with calling me that.’ Danni returned his smile, and rested a hand briefly on his shoulder. ‘I can’t believe the others are having another round of potty-pong. They’re such a competitive bunch.’ As revolting as the game sounded, it actually involved trying to get ping pong balls into a potty, at further and further distances away, until they eventually got a winner. Both sets of Charlie’s parents were playing, along with Gwen and her husband, Barry, and Wendy and Gary, who thankfully seemed to have recovered completely from his head injury. There was a lot of good-natured ribbing and shouting, and she’d had to leave Charlie and Joe umpiring to make sure there were no disputes about who the winner was.
‘You know Gwen, she always takes things to the next level.’ Esther glanced over in the direction of where a chorus of shouts of ‘cheat’ had just gone up, quickly followed by more laughter. ‘I’m just glad everyone is having a good time.’
‘Because of you.’ Danni blew her a kiss. ‘And I’m going to repay you by helping in any way I can with the wedding. And this so-called beach ball means I can be the designated driver on your hen night. I don’t miss drinking at all, but I cannot wait until I can tie my own trainers again!’ Danni caught Aidan’s eye, heat flushing her face. Here she was, whining on about being a bit uncomfortable, when he’d probably have walked over hot coals to get the baby he and Jase were longing for. Aidan had already told Reuben he wanted to keep busy, no doubt to take his mind off everything for a while. ‘I’m sorry, I know this must have been hard for you today and I’m an idiot for complaining about anything to do with being pregnant.’
‘Of course you’re not.’ Aidan exchanged a brief glance with Jase, and then turned back to the group. ‘It’s handy to hear what the challenges of pregnancy can be from someone in the know anyway, because we’re going to need to be ready to step in and help Ellen, our surrogate, with all of that. We weren’t going to say anything, as this is your big day, but now that the party is winding down, I’ve got a feeling you’ll want to hear this… Isla already knows, but we got a positive pregnancy test on Wednesday. The IVF has worked this time!’
‘That’s the best news I’ve heard in ages.’ Danni kissed Aidan on the cheek, and there was a flurry of hugs, congratulations and more kisses exchanged after that. She wasn’t the only one struggling to stop herself from crying, and Jase had tears streaming down his face as he turned towards her.
‘We can’t believe it’s actually happening, and there’s a lot that could still go wrong, which was why we were originally going to keep it to ourselves for a bit. But what’s the point of good news, if we can’t share it?’
‘I’d never have been able to keep it to myself anyway.’ Aidan pulled a face. ‘I keep crying every time I see a baby. I don’t think I’d be able to keep it to myself if something went wrong either. But like Gwen always says, there’s no point in borrowing tomorrow’s troubles, and missing out on all there is to be thankful for today.’
‘It’s going to be okay this time, I just know it is.’ Isla got up and walked behind Aidan, putting her arms around him. ‘And whatever we decide about more travelling after New Zealand, there’s no way we’re going to miss being here when you guys become dads.’
‘The next few months are going to be so amazing with all of this going on.’ Esther smiled as she caught Danni’s eye. It was true, and the nagging feeling that had never quite gone away finally seemed to be fading. Aidan was right that good news was for celebrating, and borrowing tomorrow’s trouble was a sure-fire way to suck all the joy out of life. She was more determined than ever to only focus on the good things from now on, and push all her worries down as far as they could possibly go. Being surrounding by friends on days like this made it easy, and that was something to celebrate too.