Chapter 8
8
Wendy snuck a glance at her reflection in the mirror. She’d never imagined she’d be wearing lingerie like this again. A red and black bra and matching lacy knickers made her feel risqué, but even she had to admit they were an improvement from the greying underwear she’d favoured in the latter years of her marriage, when Mike had seemed to stop noticing her at all. She knew she should have worn nice underwear to feel good for herself, but back then she’d forgotten what that was like. Lately, she felt better about herself than she had in years, and it made her want to wear nice things, even if she was the only one who’d see them.
What made putting on her newest purchase feel all the more racy was that it was 3p.m. on a Saturday, and she was fully intending to wake Gary up from his post-night-shift slumber with an offer she knew he’d appreciate. Gwen’s pep talks and the advice of the others in the Miss Adventures group, was starting to help shift her confidence in the right direction, at least a little bit. Gary had told her countless times that she was beautiful, but it hadn’t made a lot of difference to how she felt about herself. It was the advice of her female friends that was doing more to change that. They understood how she felt, in a way she didn’t think Gary ever could, and she was doing her best to follow their lead. Taking care of the body she had now – rather than the one she’d always wanted, but was almost certainly never going to get – had become more of a priority since she’d joined the group. What she found harder to admit, even to herself, was that the conversation she’d had with Chloe had influenced her thinking too.
Wendy wanted Alice and Zara to see her loving herself just as she was. She might not be able to go that far yet, but faking it was something she’d grown adept at. The idea that she might have had something to do with Zara’s disordered eating broke her heart. Part of her had wanted to tell Chloe where to shove her comments, and to suggest that Zara’s problems probably had more to do with her father getting her art tutor pregnant, than any fad diet Wendy might have been on. But she had to admit Chloe was right; she’d been a role model for self-hatred and shaming her own body for as long as she could remember. Gwen had given her advice about how to love her body and Wendy had nearly choked at the thought of some of the suggestions; she’d rather clean the hospital toilets with her own toothbrush than let strangers see her naked. So this was a compromise and buying good quality, ever-so-slightly naughty underwear, for the eyes of a man who for some reason thought she was sexy, even when she was wearing jogging bottoms and an old T-shirt, turned out to be something she could do.
The blackout curtains were still drawn, and she didn’t want to turn the light on and be caught in its harsh glow – she was a long way from being that confident yet. Instead she left the torch of her mobile phone on, setting it down on the bedside table, giving just enough light to softly illuminate the room. Zara was at her dad’s and Alice was at university so there was no fear of getting caught out, or of making either of her daughters wish they could rinse their eyeballs out with bleach, just so they could unsee the horror of being confronted by their mother’s sex life.
‘Gary. Wake up.’ She shook his shoulder gently, letting her hair fall forward to brush against his skin as she leant over him, the scent of her perfume filling the space between them.
‘You smell gorgeous.’ The first compliment was out of Gary’s mouth before he had even opened his eyes. But when he did, he gasped. ‘Oh my God, Wend, what are you trying to do to me? You look amazing.’
His body was already responding as she drew back, allowing him to see the full effect of the gravity-defying miracle of such an expensive bra. Even she had to acknowledge that her boobs hadn’t looked this good since before she’d had the girls, and for a moment she felt not just beautiful, but powerful too.
‘I was going to bring you breakfast in bed, but seeing as it’s already three o’clock, I thought you might prefer some afternoon delight.’ Even as she said the words, Wendy’s toes curled under her. Gwen had talked about how she’d reinvigorated her love life following a crisis of confidence in her fifties, and it was Gwen who’d mentioned the phrase. It had sounded far more alluring in Wendy’s head, when she’d rehearsed the line, than it did out loud, and part of her was already dying inside. But when she looked at Gary, his eyes were shining.
‘If I’m still dreaming, please don’t wake me up. I’d pinch myself, because I can’t believe how lucky I am to have you in my life, but I don’t want to risk it.’
‘You’re not dreaming and you’re about to get a whole lot luckier.’ The glass of wine she’d had for bravado while she was getting ready was the only reason she could even say the words, and she was determined to ignore the heat that rose up her neck every time she tried to say something sexy.
‘I love you.’ He reached for her hand, and she was about to respond, when the shrill ringtone of her mobile phone suddenly filled the room, jangling her senses and making her feel oddly exposed in what should have been the most intimate of moments, even before she glanced at the caller ID.
‘I’m so sorry, but I think I should get this. Alice doesn’t usually call unless there’s something?—’
Gary cut her off, his tone gentle. ‘It’s fine. I understand. It’ll give me time to have a quick shower; just promise me you’ll still be wearing that when I come out?’
‘I promise.’ Counting her blessings to have found such an incredibly kind man, Wendy pressed the button to accept the call.
‘Hello sweetheart, everything okay?’
‘Why do you always think something’s wrong whenever I call you instead of you calling me?’ Alice laughed, not giving Wendy a chance to reply. ‘I know, I know, it’s what mother’s do, and I’ll understand when I am one. Don’t worry, everything’s fine, I just wanted to let you know I’m on my way home for a couple of days.’
‘Oh brilliant! What time will you be here?’ Wendy had missed her older daughter so much since she’d started university in Exeter, and an unexpected extra visit home made her heart soar. The promise she’d made Gary was already forgotten as she reached for a robe, hoping that her daughter wasn’t already too close and that she’d at least be given enough warning to get changed.
‘Probably Monday lunch time.’
‘But I thought you said you were on the way home now?’ Wendy’s spine went rigid as she waited for her daughter to answer, knowing what she was going to say.
‘I’m going to Dad’s first. I want to spend some time with Zara, and we’re going to see the new Marvel movie with Chloe. Then tomorrow she’s taking me to bottomless brunch in Port Tremellien, so I’ll need to sleep that off I reckon. Clo obviously can’t drink at the moment, so I’ll have to have enough mimosas for the two of us! As soon as I get up on Monday, I’ll head over to your place.’
It took all Wendy had not to respond to the fact that her daughter had described the home where her bedroom was as your place , but she couldn’t keep the disappointment out of her voice. ‘I’m working on Monday.’
‘I know, but we can have dinner together and watch a film on Netflix or something, before I head off on Tuesday morning. If Gary’s not working, can you ask him if he’ll make that Beijing chicken he does. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since I had it last.’
‘I’ll ask him.’ Jealousy was prickling Wendy’s scalp and she had to clench her jaw to stop herself from asking why Alice had never wanted to do anything like go out for bottomless brunch with her mother; or why she’d rather do something like that with a woman who was currently tee-total. She knew the answer already. That would be embarrassing, or ‘tragic’ as the girls would probably term it. Whereas doing it with Chloe was more like going out with a friend. She was beautiful and cool, and someone both the girls seemed to want to be like, instead of a sad, middle-aged cringe-fest like their mother.
‘Are you okay Mum? You sound upset?’
‘No, I’m fine.’ Letting Alice know just how hurt she was would probably make the idea of spending time with an over-emotional, menopausal woman even less appealing. So, she passed her sadness off as something else. ‘I’ve just got a bit of headache that’s all.’
‘Okay then, I’ll see you on Monday evening. Love you.’
‘Love you too.’ As the call disconnected, Wendy’s whole body seemed to go into a slump that even the miracle bra didn’t stand a chance of reversing. She was never going to be able to compete with Chloe, and she was scared that she was always going to come off second best to a woman who she didn’t want to be a part of her children’s lives, let alone her own. Suddenly she felt the opposite of beautiful and powerful, she was back to being plain old Wendy, rejected by her ex-husband and their daughters, and no amount of positive thinking or expensive underwear could ever make up for that.
When Joe had proposed to Esther, he’d asked Danni if it had upset her. He’d told her he was worried that she might not approve, given the warning she’d issued not to rush her best friend into anything she might not be ready for, after her broken engagement to St Piran’s most hated man. But Danni hadn’t been upset; she’d been delighted that two of the people she loved most in the world were getting married, and that her best friend – who’d she’s always seen as a sister – would soon be one for real. And it was obvious that Esther hadn’t felt pushed into anything. Her relationship with Joe might have progressed quickly, but they’d been friends for years and they’d already had such a solid foundation to build upon. When Esther had asked if Danni minded that she and Joe would be getting married first, now that Danni and Charlie had decided to wait until after the baby, she hadn’t needed to think about her response to that either. It didn’t matter one bit which of them was first, all that mattered was that they’d both found genuine happiness in the wake of Lucas’s attempts to come between them, and they were closer than ever. So her tears on the evening of Esther and Joe’s pre-wedding party, in lieu of the usual stag and hen do neither of them wanted, had nothing to do with her being anything less than thrilled about their imminent wedding.
‘Right, I’m finally ready. Sorry.’ Charlie dropped a kiss on the top of her head, as he came over to where she’d been waiting for him on the sofa. He’d been to London for a couple of nights to meet with his agent and a TV production company who had optioned one of his books for a Christmas special. The train he’d been due to catch home had been cancelled, and he’d arrived back almost an hour later than planned, which meant he’d had to rush in and get showered, while Danni waited for him in what passed for her best party attire these days. At five feet, ten inches tall, she’d never been much of a one for high heels, but pregnancy made comfort even more of a priority and she was wearing white pumps and an empire-line dress that made the most of her newfound bust, but gave the baby plenty of room to perform the kind of somersaults he seemed to be practising a lot just lately.
She’d gone through her handbag while she was waiting for Charlie, taking out the empty packets from her current obsession with ginger biscuits, and making sure she had enough Rennie to re-tile a bathroom floor for the inevitable attack of indigestion she’d get as soon as they’d eaten. That was when she’d found the envelope that Charlie’s mother had given her. Gilly had handed one to Danni, and one to Connie at the baby shower, telling them she’d had copies made of the best photographs from the first couple of years of Charlie’s life. Connie had seized on them, taking them out straight away and exclaiming in delight at the sight of the chubby-fisted little boy she’d felt she had no choice but to put forward for adoption. Danni had put the photographs away and tried not to look too closely at the ones Connie had waved around. She hadn’t taken her copies out of her bag since, but not because she’d forgotten them.
On the day of the baby shower, she hadn’t wanted to end up crying again over the fact there wouldn’t be any photographs of her for their baby to look at when he got old enough to want to see what his parents were like as young children. Her mother hadn’t thought it worth keeping any of them when she’d sold the house after her father’s death. Danni had been too young to realise the impact of that back then, and now it was too late to do anything about it, but she hated the fact that Connie’s reaction had made her feel envious of Charlie. Even now, when she’d convinced herself that looking at the photographs wouldn’t be anything other than a wonderful glimpse of what their own son might look like, the tears had still slid out of her eyes. Brenda and Maggie had picked up on it straight away, with the Labrador resting her head on Danni’s knee and staring up at her with big soulful eyes. Brenda had emitted a melancholy howl, before lying heavily across Danni’s feet, in what she knew was an attempt to comfort her. She’d given herself a good talking to then, determined not to let Charlie see how ridiculous she was being, crying over the loss of something she’d never had. Danni had thought she was doing brilliantly; the tears had been wiped away by the time he’d come down from his shower, but Charlie knew her far too well.
‘Are you okay, Dan? You don’t look like your normal self.’ Joining her on the sofa, much to Brenda and Maggie’s disgust, he waited until Danni met his gaze.
‘I’m just being stupid.’
‘You’ve never in your life been that.’ Stroking his fingers across the back of her hand, he waited.
‘Okay, over-emotional then.’ Danni sighed as her vision blurred with the tears she was determined not to shed again. ‘I’m making a drama out of nothing.’
‘I hate the thought of anything upsetting you, so will you just tell me what’s wrong, please?’ Charlie’s tone was gentle.
‘It’s self-centred and ridiculous, but it makes me sad that I don’t have a single photograph of me as a young child. I’ve got a few copies of primary school photographs that my great aunt’s son, on my dad’s side, sent me after she died, but no one I’ve spoken to on either side of my family has one of me as a baby. My great aunt tried to pass off one of her grandson, Seb, as me but he had white-blond hair and loads of freckles and there’s no way I can have gone from that to this.’ Danni had a cloud of curly dark hair that it had taken her most of her life to learn to tame, and her skin was olive toned. Joe was curly too, but his hair was a reddish brown. Neither of them were the child in the photograph their great aunt had tried to give them. ‘It’s like no one cared enough to take one, and they certainly didn’t care enough to hold on to a copy if any were taken. I know it shouldn’t still matter to me now, but for some reason it does.’
‘Of course it matters and you’ve got every reason to be upset.’ Charlie pulled her closer to him. ‘I can’t do anything about the photographs from back then, but I can promise you that we’re going to make thousands of amazing memories with our little boy, and I’m going to document all of them. You’ll be in every photograph I take, and I never want you to feel for a single moment like you don’t matter enough to me. You’re the person I love most.’
‘I don’t deserve you.’ She touched his face, as a smile played around his lips.
‘I’m afraid you’re stuck with me anyway.’ He kissed her then and all the emptiness inside, that always appeared when she thought too much about her mother, was filled up again by Charlie, in a way only he could. They had a future with a family of their own, and the past didn’t have to haunt her any more unless she let it. So she didn’t want to waste another moment looking back.