Chapter 10
10
Wendy was scrolling on her phone, but every so often she glanced furtively around her to make sure no one was looking. She was doing something she’d promised herself she’d stop doing, and looking at things that made her feel so guilty her face had gone hot. But staying away from diet advice, and off the sites that claimed they had the answer to her finally getting a so-called bikini body, was much harder than she’d imagined. Especially now Gary had proposed. She’d wondered if it was a knee-jerk reaction to his accident, and his obvious confusion in the wake of his head injury. But he’d mentioned it again three times, and had assured her that there was nothing he wanted more, and when she’d finally realised her meant it, there’d been no hesitation in her answer.
When she’d said yes, he’d swept her into his arms, before stopping and looking at her. She hated the place her mind had gone to in that moment, immediately thinking he must be comparing her to his first wife. Deep down, she knew that was her own insecurities talking, but it didn’t stop her imagining how she’d look in the wedding photos, compared to the pictures of his first wife’s recent wedding. It was how Wendy had found herself scrolling through photos on Gary’s ex-wife’s Facebook page, trying to imagine a scenario in which she might look half as good as Rachel in her Net-A-Porter dress that a quick Google search revealed had cost more than Wendy’s car. But even if she had been able to spend almost eight thousand pounds on a dress, she still wouldn’t have looked anything like Rachel, never mind Chloe. She was probably thirty pounds heavier than both of them, and six inches shorter than Chloe.
She’d started to look at wedding dresses for the more mature bride instead. Most of the suggestions of tea-length, 1950s-style dresses, or well-fitted suits were a world away from the fantasy she had of what she wanted to look like. Whatever she wore, she’d come off second best again, and the thought of doing that on what was supposed to be the happiest day of their lives together made her weaken her resolve. All she wanted was one photograph of their wedding she’d be happy to have up on the wall. And the advertisement that had just popped up seemed to promise it all.
Think you’ve tried every diet going? Then this one’s for you. In three months you could lose more than forty pounds! It’s changed my life, let it change yours too! It really works!!!
Wendy clicked on the link at the bottom of the post, which took her to a website filled with before and after photos of women who’d looked like she did now, but who just months later were posing by a poolside in swimsuits that Wendy wouldn’t have got over one thigh. She clicked on a video. One of the women talked about how different this diet was and how it had changed her relationship with food forever. According to the successful slimmer sharing her story in the video, all she needed to do to maintain her weight loss after the initial three months was to make sure she had three of the company’s ketone drinks a day, and then she just ate normally. Even as a little voice inside Wendy’s head whispered to her that she’d been here before and ought to know better, a louder voice was growing in excitement. Maybe this really was the one. After all, these other dieters had all failed before and this diet had turned things around for them. What did she have to lose, other than the weight she’d tried a hundred times to shift before? Okay, so it was an expensive programme, and the initial twelve weeks consisted of a diet made up of what looked like astronauts’ food. She’d start straight away on drinkable ketones to suppress her appetite, and continue with those once she was at her goal weight.
Just one more diet couldn’t hurt, as long as she kept it quiet and made sure Zara didn’t know what she was doing. It was the worst kind of hypocrisy, she couldn’t deny that. It was already eating her up inside that she wasn’t the one helping Zara, even though she knew it was in her daughter’s best interests. Chloe had been through the same experience, and she was someone Zara could relate to. The chances were that Chloe would also be far more successful at treading the fine line between encouraging Zara to open up, yet not coming off like she knew what was best for her. Everything Wendy had read suggested that trying to give advice or act like the answers were easy, was the worst possible thing someone could do. The trouble was, as a mother, she always wanted to fix her girls’ problems, so being as hands-off with Zara as she was had been incredibly difficult.
What she hadn’t admitted to anyone, even herself, was that a lot of the symptoms of eating disorders had resonated with her. At the very least she had disordered eating from years of yo-yo dieting, and telling herself that the next diet might be the one that worked. It was crazy how easily she could slip back into such toxic habits, but instead of facing up to it, she was still trying to make excuses for why just one more time couldn’t hurt.
It wasn’t until she finally looked up that she realised that Gary had been watching her. Dropping her phone on to the coffee table, she got to her feet.
‘What’s the matter?’ Smoothing her dress, she took on a defensive tone.
‘Am I forcing you into getting married? You keep asking me if I’m sure, but I’m starting to wonder if it’s you who isn’t certain, and I don’t want to put any pressure on you.’ Gary held her gaze, his warm brown eyes filled with nothing but love, and she shook her head. Despite the insecurities she was struggling to shake, she was more certain of her answer than she’d been of anything in a long time.
‘No, I want to marry you, but we don’t need to rush do we?’
‘Are you sure, because if you want to stay living together instead, I can cope with that, as long as it’s forever.’
‘No, I’m sure. I know it’s old fashioned, but I want to say my husband . I feel fourteen again whenever I say my boyfriend.’ Wendy grinned, and Gary caught her around the waist.
‘You make me feel like I did back then all the time. I never thought I could be this happy again.’ He kissed her, working the magic of making her forget everything else for a little while, the way he always did. All the comparisons with women far more beautiful than she would ever be ceased to exist too, and she promised herself that this time she really wouldn’t be sucked back into another diet. Gary loved her the way she was and she’d already spent far too long fighting against her own body, trying to be something she’d never be. She was going to stay strong and keep working on her self-confidence instead. It was time to break the cycle and lead by example; it was the least she could do for the poor body she’d already put through so much, and even more importantly, for Zara.
She wouldn’t be signing up for wonder weight loss in twelve weeks, or remortgaging the house to buy a dress that might make her look like she’d lost thirty pounds. Instead, she wanted to start planning the wedding, and any money she might have wasted on those other things could go towards celebrating with the people they loved the most.
The rush to work the next day, and getting Zara off to college, meant Wendy felt as if she was running to catch up all morning. It wasn’t until lunchtime that she had a moment to start looking at the wedding venue websites she wanted to talk to Gary about. She was so engrossed in her phone as she walked along the corridor, that she almost missed Chloe altogether. She was certain she would have done, if it hadn’t been for the shuddering sigh Chloe had taken, a sob catching in her throat.
‘Are you okay?’ Wendy’s eyes drifted to the small baby bump that Chloe was cradling with one hand.
‘I’m scared.’ They were just two words, but they conveyed so much, and the expression on Chloe’s face said even more. She wasn’t just scared, she was terrified, and her eyes were swollen from crying. She might not want to open up to her partner’s ex-wife, any more than she already had, but either way, Wendy couldn’t leave her standing in the corridor.
‘It’s going to be okay. Whatever you’re scared of, there are people who can help.’ Wendy had no idea what lay at the root of the other woman’s fears, but she needed to say something to help her, the way she would have done if it had been one of her own girls standing in front of her. ‘Do you want to come and sit down for a little while? I don’t think you should drive anywhere until you’re feeling a bit better. We can go to my office, or get a drink in the restaurant.’
‘A hot drink would be good; I can’t seem to stop shivering.’ As Chloe spoke, Wendy couldn’t help noticing the shakiness of her voice, or the goose pimples that had broken out all over her arms. It was a warm day, almost stifling in some parts of the hospital, so the reason Chloe couldn’t get warm had nothing to do with the temperature.
‘Come on then, let’s go and get you a drink and then you can tell me if there’s someone you want me to call.’ Wendy turned towards Chloe, who seemed frozen to the spot, until she gently took hold of her elbow, guiding her down the corridor towards King Arthur’s Table, a name the hospital restaurant could never hope to live up to.
By the time Wendy had brought a hot chocolate over to Chloe, her eyes already looked less raw from crying than they had a few minutes earlier, but she was still wearing that same dazed expression she’d had in the corridor, as if she was searching for someone in the distance, who hadn’t yet come into view.
‘Here you go.’ Wendy set the cup down on the table in front of her, suddenly feeling awkward. Whenever they’d spoken before, the subject of their conversations had always been the girls. It was the only reason Wendy could have imagined them ever needing to talk, and now, in the wake of Chloe’s obvious distress, she had no idea what to say. She had to say something, though. ‘So… is there someone I can call for you?’
It was such a stupid question. Gary had recounted stories about the difficult calls he’d sometimes had to make to patients’ relatives in his job, but Chloe had a mobile phone. It wasn’t like she’d been taken into A a fresh crop of tears filled her eyes, the first one plopping down on to the table in front of her almost instantly.
‘Oh, I’m sorry, sweetheart.’ The term of endearment had come out of nowhere, but in that moment it felt entirely natural, as Wendy reached out for the other woman’s hand. ‘I’m useless at this, it’s why I’m in housekeeping and not medicine. Oh, and because being a nurse sometimes involves having to touch people’s feet, I can’t stand feet.’
Wendy was babbling, desperately trying to find the right thing to say and failing horribly, but Chloe’s expression had suddenly changed, and she laughed through her tears. ‘I keep thinking how amazing the midwives caring for me are. The things they have to look at all day long…’
Chloe’s expression flipped back again, and something inside Wendy’s stomach flipped over too. This had to be about the baby.
‘Is that where you’ve been, to see the midwife?’
‘I need extra checks. I’ve been telling everyone my scans have been clear, but they found something wrong.’ The fear in Chloe’s eyes was so naked now, it made Wendy catch her breath. Guilt washed over her too, for the thoughts that had crossed her mind when she’d first heard Mike and Chloe were expecting a child. But the baby had just been a concept then, an unwelcome idea, not the reality presented by Chloe’s growing bump, or the flickering heartbeat Wendy had seen on one of the scan videos Chloe had posted on her Instagram account. She didn’t want to wish that baby away, despite the twinge of envy she felt every time the girls talked about their little brother with excitement in their voices. But it still felt as though those unwelcome thoughts, which had kept Wendy awake in the beginning, were somehow responsible for what Chloe was going through now. She had to force herself to ask the obvious question, worried that Chloe would see right through her concern to the bitterness that had coloured her reaction when she’d first heard Mike was having another child.
‘Is it the baby?’
‘No, he’s okay. But they’ve found something on one of my ovaries.’ Chloe glanced up, suddenly looking barely more than a child herself.
‘Is it…’ This time Wendy couldn’t bring herself to say the word, but the goose pimples she hadn’t been able to believe Chloe was experiencing had broken out on her skin too.
‘They’re almost certain it’s a benign cyst, but my mum died from ovarian cancer and I can’t help worrying that they’ve got it wrong.’
‘That must be so scary.’ Wendy’s chest ached as she looked at the young woman in front of her, who desperately needed the mother she’d lost far too soon. ‘Are there any checks they can run to put your mind at rest?’
‘They’re monitoring it to check if it grows, and if it does they want to remove it while I’m still pregnant. They’re saying the risk of anything happening to the baby is really low, but I can’t lose bean. He’s the only family I’ve got.’
‘No, he isn’t. You’ve got the girls and Mike.’ It was weird how quickly things could change. Half an hour ago, Wendy’s throat would probably have constricted at the thought of someone else laying claim to her daughters, but it was true. Chloe had done nothing but welcome Alice and Zara with open arms, and show them the kind of love that Wendy knew deep down she should be eternally grateful for, even when it was hard to share them. ‘What does Mike say about the operation?’
‘He doesn’t know. He was too busy to come to the twenty-week scan, which he knew was the most important. He had a meeting he couldn’t miss apparently. It was probably on the golf course; that’s if I’m lucky.’ Chloe caught Wendy’s eye and an unspoken understanding passed between them. ‘So, I haven’t told him about the cyst, because he didn’t even care enough to ask. He just assumed everything was okay, because that’s the way life always turns out for him. As long as it doesn’t affect Mike and what he wants to do, nothing else matters. I’m scared about the cyst, and about losing bean, but I’m also terrified that I’m having a baby with a man who’s exactly like my father. I thought I’d finally found someone who cared about me.’
‘I sure Mike cares about you…’ Wendy trailed off for a second time. It was hard to justify the behaviour of a man whose actions were indefensible, especially when she knew Mike far too well to be able to assume he had the best of intentions towards Chloe and the baby.
‘When I told him how much I wanted him to come to the twenty-week scan, he just told me there was no need to worry, because in his exact words: “ I make great babies. Wendy carried two beautiful ones with no problems, so you’ll be fine too .”’ Chloe bit her lip, putting her hands over her bump. ‘Sometimes I think he wishes this had never happened. I think it’s only the fact that this one is a boy that’s giving him any cause for excitement. It feels like he’s been there, done that, and it’s all old news to him. I just want someone to be excited about this baby.’
Chloe’s words took Wendy back to a place she didn’t want to visit. No one had ever been able to get to her the way Mike could. Sometimes his selfishness had made it feel as though her blood was actually boiling. Now it was surging through her veins in the same white-hot way. He was doing it all over again, putting himself, first, last and everywhere in his list of priorities. She could still remember how alone that had left her feeling, particularly during a difficult pregnancy with Zara, and she could see that same aching loneliness reflected in Chloe’s face. He’d got away with acting like this for years, and he was clearly arrogant enough not to see any reason to change. Hate was a strong word, but in that moment it was how she felt towards her ex-husband. And, much to her surprise, she wanted to somehow try and make things better for Chloe.
‘I’m sure there are loads of people in your life who are excited.’ Wendy had an almost overwhelming urge to reach out and take Chloe’s hand, but she kept her arms clamped to her sides instead, even as Chloe shook her head.
‘When my mum died, my dad found someone else almost straight away and she definitely wished he didn’t come as a package deal. It didn’t matter that she had two sons from her first marriage, I was the one in the way and she made sure I felt it. Worse than that was my father never did anything to try and make up for it. That’s why I need the girls to know how much I want them around, and it’s why I encourage Mike to have some one-on-one time with them too…’ It was Chloe’s turn to trail off.
‘Not that he does, right? And he probably doesn’t appreciate all that you do either.’ Wendy took a deep breath. ‘But I do, and I want you to know that.’
The realisation of just how much Chloe did for the girls had crept up on Wendy recently, even though she’d desperately wanted to deny it. If Chloe was an important part of their lives, surely that somehow diminished Wendy’s role. Except now she could see that Chloe hadn’t been trying to compete with her, she’d been attempting to fill the gaps left by Mike, because she understood exactly how his indifference would make them feel.
‘They make it easy. They’re such great girls.’ Chloe closed her eyes for a second, before opening them again and looking straight at Wendy. ‘It just makes me so sad that when you asked if there was someone I could call, there’s no one I could think of who cares about me and the baby the way I need someone to right now.’
‘Alice and Zara do.’ Wendy nodded to emphasise her words. Chloe had shared a painful secret with her, and it was time to do the same. ‘They love you, so much that I have to admit I sometimes find it hard, but it’s you they want to rush over to their dad’s place to see, not him. And they are so excited about the baby. He’s already really loved, and not just by you.’
‘Oh my God, thank you.’ Chloe’s eyes filled with tears again, but the tortured look on her face was gone. ‘You’ve got no idea how much that means to me to hear, Wendy. The girls are so lucky to have you and I know this sounds really strange in the circumstances, but I wish I’d had a mum like you around.’
Maybe it was a weird thing for her ex’s girlfriend to say, but the truth was that Wendy was easily old enough to be her mother, and something about the young woman had brought the maternal instinct out in her too. That didn’t mean they were suddenly going to become best friends, or confidantes, but the bitterness she’d felt about another woman muscling in on her life, and her children, had all but evaporated. Chloe’s life wasn’t perfect – far from it. And like almost everyone else, her online presence was a fa?ade, aimed at presenting her life in a certain way, which meant it would have been absolute madness for Wendy to envy it, when she had already so much to be thankful for.