Chapter 12
12
The smell that greeted Danni as she opened the door to Castaway Cottage on Friday evening made her stomach rumble. Charlie was making his famous Thai green curry and the scent of spices in the air reached her just seconds before Maggie and Brenda came hurtling down the hallway, overjoyed to see their mistress and hailing her arrival with loud howls of delight.
‘Oh hello, girls, yes, yes, I love you too.’ Leaning down slightly, she patted the dogs, who weaved their way around her in tighter and tighter circles, as if they were trying to deter her from suddenly attempting to leave again.
‘Is any of that love reserved for me?’ Charlie’s voice was deep and warm, and the most welcome sound she could possibly have heard.
‘Any love not already used up on these two is always reserved for you.’ Danni couldn’t help smiling when she looked at him. Sometimes she still struggled to believe she’d found Charlie in a twist of fate, in such a great, big, world where their paths might so easily never have crossed. It was incredible that after coming so close to losing everything for someone like Lucas, she got to wake up every day with the best man she’d ever met instead. ‘I’ve really missed you, but I didn’t think you’d be home this early.’
‘I missed you both too much to stay on any longer.’ Charlie gently rested one hand on her bump and put the other arm behind her back, which was the closest he could get to hugging her and the baby for now. ‘I finished reviewing the scenes they wanted me to look at, then had a quick detour to Hanham on the way home to pick something up.’
‘Hanham?’ Danni shook her head, trying to dislodge the sensation of it being stuffed with cotton wool. There were only two people she knew who lived in Hanham, and she couldn’t even begin to imagine why Charlie would need to go to the village, let alone why he might actually want to visit them. ‘That’s where Mum and Paul have their barge moored at the moment.’
‘I know. Come on, I’ve got something to show you in the other room.’
‘But why on earth were you in Hanham?’ She had no idea why Charlie was acting so mysteriously, but all he did was shrug.
‘You’ll understand when I show you.’ He put his hand in the small of her back, applying gentle but insistent pressure to get her to move along the hallway.
‘If it’s my mother’s body, I want you to know that I love you enough to help you hide it. I even understand why half an hour in her company would be plenty of time to drive you to murder. But after the shift I’ve had, I’m not digging the hole.’ She might be laughing, but she couldn’t push down the nagging unease that was building up inside her. If her mother was sitting waiting for them on the sofa, it was going to ruin Danni’s evening. All she wanted was to have dinner, and curl up with Charlie and the dogs. She couldn’t face her mother without prior warning; it was something she needed to mentally prepare for at least a week in advance. Once upon a time she’d have dreamt of her mother turning up as a surprise, but her reaction to the news she was going to be a grandmother had driven an even bigger wedge between them than there had already been.
She’d been tempted to tell her mother that she was the last person she’d want to babysit her son, but instead she’d just nodded, adding their latest encounter to the catalogue of painful memories between them. If death could come from a thousand small cuts, so could the death of a relationship and it felt like that day was getting closer and closer. As much as she wished her mother’s reaction to the baby news could have been a turning point in their relationship, she had to accept that the less contact they had, the better Danni felt about herself. It was why the idea of her mother sitting waiting in their living room, was almost as unwelcome as it was unlikely.
‘What’s in the box’? Her eyes were drawn to it as soon as she went into the room. It was a battered-looking cardboard box, with the name and logo of her father’s favourite brand of wine stamped on the side of it. She could suddenly picture him so clearly, with a glass of red in his hand, the way he always seemed to relax after work, telling her the latest story he’d made up about two explorers called Danni and Joe, who went on a seemingly endless series of adventures. She’d always loved those stories, far more than anything she’d ever read, and for far longer than most kids her age would have done. She’d been ten when he died, and bedtime stories had long since been forgone by her peers. But Danni would happily still listen to them now if she could, and she wished he’d recorded some of the stories, so that she could hear his voice again. But none of them could have known he wouldn’t be around to retell them to his grandchildren, let alone not even living long enough to see his daughter go to secondary school.
‘Something I hope you’ll like. Sit down and take a look, although you might need these.’ Charlie pushed a packet of tissues closer to the box as he spoke. ‘I’m going to pour you a nice cold drink, and I’ll be ready if you need me for anything else, but I think you might need this moment alone.’
‘Okay.’ Danni’s hand shook slightly as she followed Charlie’s instructions, sitting down and reaching for the lid of the box, when he disappeared towards the kitchen. As soon as she saw the words written on the top, in loopy handwriting, she wanted to call after Charlie again and ask him to tell her what she was about to see. But he’d said he thought she needed to do this alone and she trusted him completely. It meant she was ready to face whatever was coming, even if the sight of the words: ‘ J that might mean there was more.
‘It was a long shot that Audrey’s daughter would still have the boxes, but I had to try. Paul managed to find the old message on your mum’s Facebook account, and he messaged her back explaining. I must admit I hugged him when she replied to say they were now in her loft, because she hadn’t been able to bear to throw them out. She said I was welcome to collect them, but she lives on the Llyn Peninsula, or she could post them on. I couldn’t bear to think we might get this close and then risk them getting lost. I still didn’t know for sure whether there’d be any of you and Joe.’
‘That’s in North Wales, isn’t it? You drove all the way up there?’ Danni would have sworn that she couldn’t love Charlie any more than she had that morning, but she could feel it growing and making sure that all those empty spaces that had left her hollowed out for so long were now full up.
‘I made it to Karen’s house by late evening yesterday. She and her wife, Rosie, welcomed me in like an old friend. We went through all the boxes she had, and she told me as much as she knew. She loved your nan, and she was always sad that your mother had cut off contact, and that she hadn’t been able to keep in touch with you and Joe as a result. She’d love to meet you. She’s got loads of stories about your grandparents, and your dad. Apparently, they went to school together. She and Rosie insisted on making me dinner and putting me up for the night, and I know you’re going to love them. I hope it’s okay, but I’ve invited them down to see us when the baby arrives, and told them there’ll be an invite to the wedding too. Karen is desperate to see you. She said she thought about reaching out to you and Joe on Facebook, but she assumed that your mother hadn’t wanted the photographs because they were just duplicates of what she already had, and that after all this time you’d probably have no idea who she was.’
‘Did she say if anyone calls her Kay?’ Another flood of emotion was washing over Danni, and it enveloped her like a warm embrace when he nodded.
‘Yes, that’s what her wife called her. Why, do you remember her?’
‘Auntie Kay.’ The smile on Danni’s face was making her cheeks ache. ‘Oh my God, I almost thought I’d imagined her. She was around loads when we were little. She always had a cupboard full of treats when we visited with Nan, and she gave the best cuddles. But we never saw her again after Dad’s funeral and I thought she wasn’t interested in us once he was gone, but it must have been because Mum cut off contact. I can’t believe you’ve seen her, or that she kept the photographs for all those years. And most of all I can’t believe how amazing you are for turning into my very own Poirot and tracking these down. I didn’t think there was a better gift you could ever have got me, but putting me back in touch with Auntie Kay… She knows so much about mine and Joe’s early life, and about Dad too. Mum never wants to talk about any of that, even if she remembers it. I don’t think I can ever repay you for giving me that link to my childhood back.’
‘I’d do anything for you, and it was nothing really.’ Charlie’s gaze met hers and she could see how tired he was. He’d probably been on the road for the best part of the last two days. He’d also gone to visit her mother, a challenging woman he barely knew, and had difficult conversations, all in an attempt to find something he didn’t even know existed. It was the best thing anyone had ever done for her, and she would never forget it.
‘I love you so much.’ Danni threw her arms around his neck. ‘And it finally makes sense why I keep worrying about something bad happening. It’s because it’s impossible to believe I got so lucky, and I’m scared something is going to happen to take away the family I always wanted. But that’s stupid, because all you do is keep making it better, and I’ve got to stop wasting all my time worrying. I’m sorry I’ve been such a nightmare.’
‘You’ve never been anything like a nightmare. The fact that you care so much and want everything to be okay is one of the things I love about you, but it’s just one on a very long list. I do want you to take it a bit easier, though.’ Charlie pulled away slightly and gave her a level look. ‘I got a tip-off that you had a bit of a funny turn today.’
‘Essie promised me she wasn’t going to say anything.’
‘She didn’t, Aidan did. Then Isla, then Amy.’ Charlie laughed. ‘You’ve got no idea how many people care about you. I know that’s something it’s not always easy for you to believe, but it’s true.’
‘It’s getting easier to believe, especially since I met you.’ She leant forward again to kiss Charlie, thanking whatever twist of fortune it was that had brought them together, for at least the hundredth time.
Watching Alice and Zara running through the sprinkler in the garden, chasing after Gary’s grandson, Albert, was like having them both back as little children again. Their laughter was filling the air as they hoisted Albert between them, swinging him backwards and forwards through the water and making him giggle like it was the best day of his life. Albert might not even be three yet, but he already understood that the simple pleasures in life were the best ones, and the whole day had been a good reminder for Wendy of that too. The weather was glorious for October and it was the type of day when she felt incredibly lucky they lived on the Cornish Atlantic coast. The smell of salt was in the air, lingering with the aroma of the barbecue Gary had taken charge of. They’d been joined by Drew, Beth and Tom and by Gary’s parents, Janice and Bob, and Wendy’s parents, Barbara and Roy. Her sister, Louise, had brought her family along too, and it had been one of those perfect family days, when the cobalt-blue sky had never faded, and she’d laughed so much her stomach muscles ached.
‘You’re so lucky, you know that don’t you?’ Louise had taken her to one side earlier in the afternoon, while Wendy had been opening another bottle of wine. ‘My kids are all related to one another by blood, and they don’t get on half as well as your two and Gary’s kids. You’ve all fitted together like it was always meant to be.’
‘It honestly feels like it was.’ The warm glow Wendy experienced in that moment hadn’t just been down to the wine and the sunshine.
Louise had put an arm around her waist and given it a squeeze. ‘You really deserve this, Wend. Mick the Prick put you through hell but look at you now.’ Louise had insisted on changing the shortened version of Mike’s name to Mick, so that it rhymed with prick, after the extent of his infidelities had come to light. And she used his new nickname at every opportunity she got.
‘Thanks sis, I’m finally starting to believe this all had to happen for me to get what I really needed, and I’m happier than I can remember being for years.’ It had been on the tip of Wendy’s tongue to add most of the time , but she didn’t want to spoil a perfect day talking about something she knew she had to get past. Being envious of her daughters’ bond with Chloe was ridiculous, and no doubt Louise would remind her she should be grateful for that too. It had been easier since she’d realised Chloe’s life was nowhere near as perfect as she painted it online. She’d even texted Wendy to beg her not to say anything to anyone about the cyst on her ovary, and that the things she’d said about Mike were just her hormones talking and making her over-emotional. If anything, it made Wendy feel sorry for Chloe. She couldn’t tell the person she was supposed to be closest to about what was worrying her, and she’d blurted it out to his ex-wife instead. But it still hurt Wendy to see Zara’s face light up when she got a call from Chloe and the speed with which she always fired off a response. Sometimes Wendy had to wait the best part of a day to get an answer to the simplest of questions. Deep down she knew it was normal for her girls to take her for granted, and she could see the attraction of wanting to spend time with Chloe. Begrudgingly, Wendy could even admit to sort of liking her, and it was impossible not to admit that Chloe had a good heart, and that she’d had a hard time. But that still didn’t stop her wishing that a stepmother figure didn’t have to feature in her girls’ lives at all. She knew that was crazy too, because the break-up with Mike which had led to that, was the same thing that had brought Gary back into her life. And like she’d said to Louise, she wouldn’t change that for the world. None of it was logical, but then feelings often weren’t.
‘Thank you so much for a wonderful day, Wendy.’ Beth came over with a still-dripping-wet Albert, who was wrapped in a towel and nuzzled in her arms. ‘Albie’s had the best time, but we need to get him home for a bath before bed. We can’t wait to do it again and I’ve told Dad you’re all invited over to ours on the next weekend he’s got off.’
‘That will be really lovely, and I meant what I said about a sleepover for Albie next time.’
‘You’d love to have a sleepover at Nanny and Granddad’s, wouldn’t you?’ Beth looked down at her little boy, who gave a squeal of delight and nodded vigorously. ‘He’s almost as excited as me and Tom!’
There was a flurry of goodbyes after that, and when everyone went home, leaving only Wendy, Gary and the girls, she felt strangely bereft. It wasn’t just because her parents and her sister’s family had gone, she missed the presence of Gary’s family too. She genuinely liked all of them, and she’d quickly grown to love his children and grandson, in a way that felt entirely natural. Louise was right, she really was lucky. Wendy was just reaching for a bottle of rosé that needed finishing off, so that she and Gary could toast the perfect day, when Alice suddenly appeared.
‘That was so much fun, thanks Mum.’ Wendy’s eldest daughter planted a kiss on her cheek.
‘It was great, wasn’t it? Where’s Zara?’ A tiny frisson of anxiety fluttered in Wendy’s chest. It really had been a wonderful day, but she’d found herself watching her younger daughter to make sure she was eating, and she’d followed her upstairs after the barbecue, listening outside the door to make sure she couldn’t hear Zara making herself sick. She’d suspected that’s what was happening, when she’d overheard tell-tale sounds a couple of times before, but both times Zara had insisted she’d just been coughing. After what Chloe had said, Wendy doubted that was true, but a big part of her still desperately wanted to believe it. How could her beautiful daughter hate her own body so much that she wanted to punish it in that way? It didn’t bear thinking about.
‘She’s just gone to get changed.’
‘I don’t blame her after how wet you both got with Albie. I think PJs all round sound like a good idea.’ Looking at Alice, Wendy suddenly realised she’d changed too, into a pretty floral skater-style dress. ‘You look nice, but are you sure you wouldn’t be more comfortable in your pyjamas, too? We can sit and watch a movie; there’s loads of leftovers and I could make some popcorn.’
‘Dad called about twenty minutes ago.’ Alice dropped her gaze and moved from foot to foot. ‘I know we’re not due over there until next weekend, but he and Chloe want to take us both out for dinner; they’ve got big news apparently.’
‘Bigger news than when they found out they were having a baby? Shame they didn’t tell you that themselves.’ Even as she’d tried to bite back the barb, it slipped out, and she didn’t miss the look that crossed her daughter’s face. ‘Sorry ignore me, go, have fun.’
‘Thanks, Mum.’ Alice gave her a brief hug and she tried to relax her muscles, so that her daughter wouldn’t realise how rigid her spine had gone. ‘I think we’re going to stay at Dad and Chloe’s tonight, so I’ll drop Zara back in the morning and then probably head straight back to uni.’
‘Sounds great.’ She kept her voice falsely bright, painting on a smile in the hope Alice wouldn’t realise quite how much she resented Mike and Chloe for eating into the time she had with her daughters. Instead, ten minutes later she waved them both off and wished them a good time again, before heading back to retrieve the bottle of rosé, and pouring all of the wine she’d intended to share with Gary into her own glass.
‘Hey gorgeous, what’s up?’ Five minutes after she’d gone back into the garden, he came out. She was sitting in a garden chair, staring into the middle distance, and he put a hand under her chin, gently tilting her face upwards so that she had to look at him.
‘The girls have gone to Mike’s.’ She couldn’t keep the bitterness out of her voice this time and the truth was she didn’t even try. ‘He’s got something big to tell them apparently. He’s probably proposed to Chloe, and the girls will be all excited like it’s the best news ever.’
‘It will be good news though, won’t it? They’re already expecting a baby.’ When Wendy didn’t answer him, taking another huge slug of wine instead, Gary sighed. ‘This really bothers you, doesn’t it, the idea of Mike marrying someone else?’
‘It’s not that, it’s…’ She couldn’t finish the sentence without revealing how petty she was, or how ridiculous she was being. Half an hour before, she’d been basking in the light of her brilliantly blended family, but she didn’t want that for the girls when it came to her ex’s new family. Maybe it was because she wanted to punish Mike for being the one to rip their family apart, but she knew she should want that same closeness on his side, for the girls’ sake, and she couldn’t let Gary see how selfish she was being. Not again. They’d been through all of this before, and she knew everything he’d said about it in the past was right. Yet, despite that, some part of her still couldn’t seem to accept the situation and just be happy.
‘What is it then, Wendy? Because that’s what it looks like from here. At least Mike and Chloe want the girls to know they’re getting married. You haven’t even mentioned us getting married to them.’ Gary looked so hurt it made her heart ache, and she tried to reach out to him, but he shook his head. ‘And the way you’re reacting to the idea that Mike and Chloe might want to get married, makes me think you wish you were still with him.’
‘I don’t, not like that. It’s just the girls… I never wanted things to get this messy. I wanted the kind of family Mum and Dad had.’
‘So is that what today was for you? Messy ?’ Gary’s voice cracked on the last word as he stood up and took a step away from her. ‘There was me thinking it was pretty damn perfect, and all you could see was a big mess.’
‘I didn’t mean that. None of this is coming out the way I want it to and I know I’m being stupid.’ Guilt swept over Wendy. She was acting like a spoilt cow and ruining the day for Gary, a man who’d never done anything except show her love and kindness. In his position, she wasn’t sure she could ever have forgiven what she’d just said; it made their life sound like something she could barely tolerate. It wasn’t true; she wished she could rewind time and make it all come out the way she’d intended, but it was too late. Gary was upset, and he had every right to be.
‘No, I think I’ve probably been the stupid one, letting myself believe you wanted all of this as much as I do, and that I could make you as happy as you make me.’
‘I do and you have, Gary please .’
He shook his head again, already walking away from her. ‘I don’t think you know what you want and, until you do, I should probably give you some space.’
‘Where are you going to go?’ Panic was surging up inside Wendy now. If Gary walked out there was always a chance he might not come back, and she didn’t even want to try to imagine her life without him. But for some reason she couldn’t bring herself to tell him that, despite a big part of her wanting to beg him not to leave.
‘Don’t worry, I’ll take the camper van.’
‘You can’t, you’ve been drinking.’
‘I’ve only had the non-alcoholic beer. I had a headache and I took some strong painkillers. I didn’t want to say anything in case it put a dampener on things, but I’ll be okay to drive. I’ve got it all set up for when the girls want to take it to that festival, so it’s ready to go. I was going to tell them tomorrow.’ There was such sadness in his tone and another wave of emotion surged up inside of her, for this man who’d spent all his spare time in the last week getting an old camper they’d bought ready, so her daughters could take it on its first outing and have fun at a music festival. Gary really was the kindest man she’d ever met, but when she tried calling out to him again, he just raised a hand and carried on walking. Alone in the garden, which had rung with laughter just an hour before, she was suddenly terrified that she’d left it too late, and that she might just have blown the best thing that had ever happened to her.