Chapter 29
Quinn threw her arms around me the second I walked into the lobby, and a heartbeat later, tears flooded my eyes.
When I’d stressed about all the ways Ben and I were connected before we got together, I didn’t even think about how every one of my best friends had a relationship with him outside of our relationship. Asia and Dani loved him as much as they loved me, and Gabriela was naturally averse to anything that could hurt his daughter, one of the students she spent a year nurturing. They’d consoled me, but I hadn’t felt like I could be completely open without putting them in a weird position.
But Ben didn’t matter to Quinn. He was a casual business acquaintance she’d had lunch with a couple times.
“What happened?” she asked the second I pulled back.
I blinked quickly up at the hotel’s ceiling, the tears causing lights in the massive chandelier to starburst like a Fourth of July fireworks show.
“A lot,” was my eloquent reply.
She let out a heavy breath. “Let’s get to the restaurant, and then you’re going to tell me everything.”
We went to a hole-in-the-wall pizza place that she swore was as good as our favorite place in Gainesville (spoiler alert: it wasn’t), and I spilled the whole story between bites of our mushroom-and-sausage slices.
“Fuck that guy,” Quinn said with enough vehemence that I wouldn’t be surprised if Ben dropped dead across town from her anger alone.
A surge of protectiveness rose up inside me. “I can understand his choice.”
“Don’t do that,” she said. “Don’t defend him when he’s screwed up so badly.”
I rubbed my hand over my forehead. “It’s hard to explain, but I really do get it, feeling like you have to give everything, sacrifice anything, to keep your child happy.”
She reached over and grabbed my hand. “Fair, but it sounds like he’s not letting you go, and that’s not fair. You deserve the chance to find someone who’s all in.”
The tears started again. There couldn’t be anyone else when I only wanted him. I swiped more napkins from the storage container to blot the tears away before they destroyed my whole face.
I squeezed her hand. “Thank you. It helps to talk it out with someone who isn’t involved. Even my parents have skin in the game since they’ve gotten close to Paris. Untangling our lives has been exhausting.”
This was what I was scared of from the beginning. How was I supposed to move on when I couldn’t escape him?
“I’m here, a phone call away. Don’t go through this alone.” Her eyes tracked over my face as I wiped away the last of the tears. “You should go fix your face.”
A laugh burst out of me. “Thanks, asshole.”
She laughed back, pulling her compact out of her purse to show me just how bad the damage was. “No, an asshole would let you go to a meeting looking like that.”
She had a point, but I still threw one of my tear-soaked napkins at her as I headed to the bathroom.
James had arrived by the time I got back, standing by the table having what looked like a stilted conversation with Quinn, who was wearing the fakest smile I’d ever seen. His face lit up when he saw me.
“Looking lovely as always, Juliana,” he said, and Quinn snorted. I resisted the urge to throw something else at her. “Are you ready?”
“Sure am,” I said with a smile I only sort of had to fake. I gathered my purse and gave Quinn a quick hug. “Lead the way.”
We made it to President Munchen’s office with a minute to spare, and her executive assistant showed us in. It was a classic university office, with wood paneling and bookshelves overflowing with textbooks occupying the walls. Her large desk dominated the space, and I could almost see reprimanded students sinking lower into the seats in front of it.
To the left was a large green couch, so spot-on to the university’s colors I had to wonder if it was custom-made, flanked by two large leather chairs. She led me toward that section of the room, away from the intimidating desk, and I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding.
“Thank you so much for having me, President Munchen.”
“It’s Maureen, remember?”
Her bright smile sparked its own in me. She had been warm toward me from our first phone call, and it was nice to sit with another professional woman who understood the challenges and sacrifices required to rise to the top of her field.
We arranged ourselves in the seats before she jumped in.
“Now, I need to admit something. I may have gotten you here under false pretenses.”
I froze in my seat.
My eyes were wide as they flicked back and forth between Maureen and James. He was still smiling brightly, which helped calm some of my fears.
“When we spoke for the first time, all the way back in early March when you outlined your program, you made me realize there was a sizable gap in our curriculum, especially our business school. We teach them marketing, finance, accounting, negotiation, and more, but we don’t teach them how to leverage those skills for their long-term careers.”
I nodded along, agreeing it was something missing from most schools. James and I had even debated, when I visited in April, the role schools should play in career preparedness.
“Without even realizing it, you developed a course for your interns, complete with learning outcomes and assignments, but I wanted to wait to see how the summer went before talking to you. The midsemester evaluations from your students were some of the best I’ve ever read.”
I glanced between Maureen and James, my mind falling far behind where it needed to be.
“We have added courses for all students on how to grow their professional skills, but we don’t have the capacity in our faculty to teach it yet. We want to offer you the position. You’d have to come in for a final interview with the selection committee, but, between us, that’s more of a formality. You would be an instructor in the business school, but you’d teach students from all majors.”
My eyes were wide again, unsure how to even respond. “You know I don’t have a PhD, right?” I nearly slapped myself on the head for such an abrasive and unhelpful remark.
Both of them laughed, and James jumped in. “We aren’t a research institution, and the business school puts more weight on your experience. It’s not a tenure-track position, so all you’d need is a master’s. Maureen has agreed to make an exception if you pursue your master’s in business administration. There is a well-respected program here at Billings, and you could attend for free as an employee of the university.”
He laid out a job offer in front of me. The pay couldn’t compete with the CRO role I was about to take on, but it was substantially more than what we had been living on for the past couple of years. The offer said the contract was for ten months, and I turned back to James.
“Thank you so much for the incredible offer, but I can’t afford to leave such a reliable position for a ten-month contract.”
James placed his hand over mine. “I can see how that would be confusing. I forget you aren’t a career academic like most of the people I work with. It doesn’t mean you would only have a job for ten months. It means you would only work the fall and spring semesters. You would have the summers free. Most people use them for research or to teach summer classes, but your summers would be yours to choose.”
Maureen jumped in. “I know you have two young girls. I want to be up-front and tell you it would be a lot of work trying to manage them, teaching classes, and working on your own degree, but after you were done with your own studies and as you gain seniority in the department, you would have a lot of flexibility. You could even schedule your classes around their schedules to some extent. As a fellow mother, I can tell you this life works well for families.”
My mind was reeling. KMG was a supportive workplace, but it could never be this flexible. I’d make less overall, but I would have more time with my family. But it would also mean taking them away from my parents and all their friends.
“Wow. Okay. This is unexpected. When do you need an answer?”
“I want the first round of classes up and running for spring. The faculty senate approved and added it to the curriculum. If we need to look for another candidate, I would want the search to start by the end of this month. If you decide to join us, we will need you up here by the end of November. Is two weeks enough for you to decide?”
I thought through all the things I would need to work through and nodded. “Yes, two weeks is plenty of time. Thank you for your flexibility.”
“Of course. Read over the offer packet and let me know tonight if you have questions.”
I gathered the materials, making my way to the door with James. As I was about to leave, something popped into my mind.
“Maureen, have you told Eduardo about this offer?”
“I spoke with him right before I met with you. He is a large donor for our campus, and I didn’t want it to appear as though we rewarded his generosity, both in money and time, by blindsiding him.”
I nodded again, leaving the room in a daze and wondering how I would face my boss. James lightly grabbed my elbow.
“Would you like me to look over the offer with you?”
“No, thank you. I think I need some time alone to think about everything.”
I left campus, wandering the streets of Boston without a destination in mind. Being cooped up in my hotel room wouldn’t help my fragile mental state.
I looked up and found myself in the Public Garden. Ben was right. It had been beautiful in April, but in July it was glorious. I watched the willow blowing in the soft breeze, children running across the grass, laughing as they chased ducks and oddly large squirrels. I was standing right in front of the George Washington statue again, allowing my imagination to wander, except this time I was imagining how Ben’s arms had wrapped around me as he stood at my back, rather than what the garden looked like.
Could I leave Orlando? I had been born and raised there, and besides my time in college and my short study abroad, I had never lived anywhere else. I could see myself in Boston, soaking in the history and beauty. I’d always loved the idea of living someplace different from where I grew up. And with Quinn here, it wasn’t like I’d be starting from scratch on the friend front. But I loved my town. As wild as Florida could be, it was home and where my family and best friends were.
Could I make my children uproot their lives? My girls loved where we lived, too, exploring the beaches and lakes and chasing friends around the different theme parks. They loved their soccer team and dance teachers, our friends and family right around the corner. They even loved our tiny house that made us live on top of each other. But this job would give me the freedom to be more active in their lives.
Could I leave KMG when they had invested so much in me? Eduardo and Christina had given me an incredible opportunity when I was inexperienced and mourning and had never made me feel “less than” for conflicts with my kids’ schedules. Now they were about to promote me to the top HR position in the company, and I was going to leave them in the lurch?
And could I leave Ben?
He wasn’t mine anymore, but the thought of never seeing him again twisted my insides until I felt sick. An ashamed part of me hadn’t given up on us yet, had held on to the belief that Stephanie would leave any minute. But we were over a month in, and she showed no signs of disappearing again. Leaving KMG would be the final nail in the coffin, but maybe that was what I needed to move on.
My mind bounced between all these challenges, both terrifying and exciting, never coming to a conclusion on any of them and wondering how I was supposed to figure out my life in two weeks.
“Wow, that’s quite the offer,” my mom said after I panic-explained the situation over FaceTime a couple hours later. I had said a quick hi to the girls, then asked my mom to go inside so we could talk without them overhearing.
“I know, right? What do I do, Mom?”
“I can’t answer that question for you.”
“A good mom would tell me what to do. Aren’t you supposed to manipulate me into staying close to you? Do you even love us?”
She rolled her eyes. “I’m sorry I’m such a disappointment. Of course, we would be sad if you three leave, but this is an incredible opportunity. I trust you to make the right decision for yourself. Do you think you would be happier as an instructor?”
This is a question I had asked myself over and over again while I wandered the streets of Boston.
“I think there would be parts of it I would love. Working with the interns this summer was incredible, but I don’t know if I would like it as much if it was my entire job. And I can’t just test this out. It’s all or nothing. Either we move to Boston and I commit to this career or I pass it up. I don’t think KMG would welcome me back if it didn’t work out, and I love the work I do for them. If I stayed, I could still work with the interns each summer and have the best of both worlds.”
“But without the flexibility for the summer.”
“Exactly. Without the flexibility.”
“What about everything else?”
“I don’t know how the girls would react, and I obviously can’t make this decision without them, but I want to figure out if it’s something I even want to consider before bringing them in. I haven’t even looked at schools for them up here.”
“Why are you looking at schools up there?” Clara’s question came from off-screen, and I mouthed What the hell? as my mom grimaced.
“Sorry, sweetie. I didn’t realize she came inside.”
Clara’s unnaturally calm face pushed into the frame. “Mom, why are you looking at schools in Boston?”
“Go get your sister and I’ll explain,” I replied with a sigh. A few seconds later, they both threw themselves in front of the phone. In perfect unison, they crossed their arms over their chests and lifted their chins. A united front.
“We’re not moving to Boston, Mom,” Sophie said.
“I didn’t say we were moving to Boston. But I got a job offer here and wanted to talk to you two about it.” I rushed through the offer and why it would be good for us.
“This is so unfair! What about my friends?” Sophie asked.
“And my soccer team?” Clara cut in.
“How would I see Paris? And what about my dance classes?” Sophie’s little face was getting more flushed by the second, and my heart squeezed in response.
“If we moved, which I’m not saying we are, I would find you a new dance studio and new soccer team. It would be hard, but you’d meet new friends. And I’d talk to Paris’s parents and anyone else you two wanted to stay in touch with to set up calls.”
Clara huffed. “I don’t want a new soccer team. You already have a job, Mom. You don’t need a new one.”
“The job is only August through May, when you all would be in school, too. I’d get to be with you all summer. And I’d make my own schedule, so I’d be more likely to make it to all your school stuff, and you’d never be left waiting for me like you are now.”
My voice cracked on the last sentence. I tried to blink back my tears, but they escaped down my cheeks before I could stop them. I realized how badly I felt about those missed opportunities and how stressful it had been every time I was the last one at pickup. I worried those moments were going to chip away at our relationship until it was something completely different from what we had built before Jason died. Clara and Sophie shared a look.
“Mommy, don’t cry.”
Sophie’s unexpectedly sweet reaction made it even worse. I tried so hard to protect them from the tough parts of life. They’d been through so much at such a young age, and I didn’t want to put more pressure on them with my own emotions.
“Yeah, you’re the best mom, and we know you’re always there for us, even if you’re late sometimes.”
“I’m happy to hear that, girls, but I miss being there for you, too. Clara, you’ll remember more than Sophie, but I was there for everything before we lost your dad. It would be nice to be able to do that again.”
Clara looked at Sophie again, communicating in the silent way only sisters can. “It would be nice, but we’re also really happy. We just want you to be happy, too.”
I blinked away tears at my kind and understanding older daughter, who was much too mature for her age, right as the younger one screamed, “I don’t care, I’m not moving to Boston,” and ran away. Clara quickly said “I love you” and followed her.
“Mom, will you talk to them?”
“Of course, sweetie. But before I go, whatever decision you make they will be fine. They may fight you on Boston if that’s what you pick, but they’re still so young and will make friends and find people up there. If you choose to stay here, you have a whole community of people who can help take care of them on the days you can’t be there. I know some days you don’t feel like it, but you are a phenomenal mom, and your girls are supported and loved. Think about what you want out of life and make your decision from there.”
I thanked my mom, leaning back in the chair and dropping my head back. It was great advice, but what did I want out of life?