Cowgirl Don’t Cry
Cowgirl Don’t Cry
OLLIE
DECEMBER
The barn was a welcome reprieve from the cold.
It’s not like it was cold cold. Honestly, if it weren’t for the damn wind, it would be nice.
But as it was, the steady gusts managed to spear through me and settle into my bones.
It wasn’t as warm as the bunkhouse, but at least the air was still in here.
I stomped my way for the tack room to grab my rope and huffed. “I can’t believe you’re making me do another hundred when I only missed three.”
Hux chuckled and settled himself in front of his favorite horse’s stall. Doc was basically an overgrown puppy dog. Sweet as pie and looking for all the attention. “Well, shouldn’t have missed those three. I ain’t lookin’ for mediocrity. You gonna represent this ranch, you better be great.”
I rolled my eyes even as I plopped the plastic dummy cow down and started messing with my rope.
Not really knowing how to respond, I settled on the easiest option: not answering.
Hux was one of the few people in my life now that preferred silence to idle chatter.
I appreciated it. Especially if I was going to have to focus and rope the cowhead another hundred times in a fucking row.
For a few rounds, there wasn’t a sound other than that of my rope thwacking against the plastic dummy. Six so far. Only ninety-four more to go, Ol.
I was painfully aware of Hux, and even though he didn’t speak, I could tell there was something on his mind.
But that was the thing about him, he wouldn’t talk until he was ready, which meant I was going to have to wait until he felt comfortable enough to bring up the topic.
And even though he couldn’t see whether or not I made each throw, somehow I figured he’d be able to tell if I didn’t.
I needed a distraction before I got too in my head.
Cash’s mantra that he liked to remind me about so many times during practice came to mind. Don’t think, just do.
“So…” Dear God, my voice sounded like a gunshot in the silence. “What exactly is this thing tonight?”
Hux shifted to face my direction more fully.
“My parent’s church is really involved with the local group home.
Every year, they host a Christmas dinner for them.
Kinda like a big potluck—everyone brings somethin’.
They also do, like, a toy drive and give all the presents to ‘em. The kids put on a little Christmas pageant for the church goers. Just a way to say thank you, I guess.” He shrugged. “It’s nice.”
Something tight and angry and bitter sparked in my chest like a match. Which wasn’t fair. What Hux’s church was doing was good, great even for those kids. I couldn’t help but be a little envious though. “Sounds a hell of a lot nicer than anything I ever experienced,” I huffed.
Hux shifted, shoving his hands into his pockets. “I’m sorry.”
Another huff. It wasn’t his fault. No need to apologize.
Christmas time just sucked growing up. Flicking the rope off the cowhead, I busied myself rolling up the coils once more for another throw.
“It’s whatever,” I admitted, “I mean, I was in a few homes that tried to make Christmas better, but it was usually just a shitshow. I hated the holidays growing up.”
“Do you still?” he asked, not an ounce of accusation or judgement in his tone. “Hate it, I mean.”
His words fucked with my focus, and as I swung the rope and let it sail, my wrist twisted. Fuck, now I had to start all over again. “Let’s just say, Christmas Eve I usually get so ridiculously blasted that I pass out and sleep until December twenty-sixth.”
It wasn’t a lie, and I wasn’t about to pretend like it wasn’t as bad as it seemed.
Hux blew out a breath, his tone softer than normal as he said, “Well, you're more than welcome to do Christmas with us. I know Quinn and Walker are really lookin’ forward to it.” He didn’t include himself, but he didn’t need to.
The fact that he mentioned this at all let me know exactly what he was thinking.
My heart hurt. Fuck, today sucked. Why had I turned back around? Why was I putting myself through this?
Because you want this. The family. The friendships. All of it.
But to admit that meant that my entire outlook on life, my entire belief system was a lie.
Love had always been a weakness. Family was just something that disappointed you. Friends came and went. In the end, all you had was yourself.
For a long moment I didn’t speak, the only sound was that of me gathering the coils of my rope. “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea,” I finally managed to get out, the words hushed, weak.
And as if reading my thoughts, he asked, “Why? Still plannin’ on leavin’?”
Nothing got past him. Was I really that much of an open book or was he just really damn astute? My voice wobbled as I croaked out, “I…I don’t know.”
“You do know that even if you leave, those two are gonna find a way to bring you back.”
Tears welled in my eyes, the anger bristling in my chest mixing with a wave of sorrow. I’d met a lot of people, none had come after me. Not that I really gave them much of a chance to. “How’re you so sure?”
Hux’s face softened further, and even though I couldn’t see his eyes behind his sunglasses stare, I knew they were filled with warmth, just like his sister’s.
“Because Quinn, as sweet as she is, is stubborn, and Walker’s just a plain pain in the ass.
You’re like the cute puppy they found… They ain’t givin’ you up without a fight. ”
“Nice analogy.” I snorted as I swung the rope over my head. Once. Twice. I let go on the third, and it snapped around the horns with a resounding crack. Only ninety-nine more now.
Hux chuckled, his shoulders rising and falling in a shrug. “You’re part of the gang now.”
I let out a heavy sigh, hoping like hell I sounded more convincing to him than I did to my own ears. “I’m gonna leave eventually. They have to know that. Me being around for these things is just gonna make it harder when I’m actually gone.”
“I know.” Hux nodded. “And so do they, but that’s the thing about buildin’ relationships. You don’t just get to drop ‘em. They stay with you forever, whether or not you leave. Once you’re family, you’re always family.”
More tears prickled in my eyes and I fought like hell to will them away. “You’re distracting me, asshole.” But the words didn’t hold any bite to them.
“You should come tonight.” The weight of his admission made me fidget.
“Are you kidding?” I scoffed. “I think the whole church would burn down.”
Hux laughed, a smile lighting up his usually harsh features. “I’m serious… You’re just as much an inspiration to these kids as someone like me. I think it would be really cool for them to meet you.”
I cackled, I couldn’t help it. The thought of kids looking up to me was laughable. Unbelievable even. “Right. Between my tattoos, all the cussing, and my generally skimpy outfits, I just scream role model.”
“You were dealt a shitty hand, Ol,” he replied, the seriousness in his tone making me pause.
“And instead of foldin’, you played the game.
You have a roof over your head, a job, you have friends, and whether you wanna admit it or not, a family that cares about you.
You don’t use drugs, and you’ve managed to learn to ride and rope and compete all within a few months.
Now, I don’t know because I ain’t ever been in your shoes, but if I had to guess, I think a lot of those kids would be really inspired by your story. ”
I stopped fiddling with the rope, my eyes blurring as a single, traitorous tear slipped down my cheek. Shut it off, Ol.
But there was no use. Pursing my lips, I replied, whisper-soft, “Thanks, old man.”
Hux’s lips tugged upward into a smug smirk. “Cash’ll be there.”
Ugh, nice moment over.
The thought of Cash sparked a torrent of warring emotions within me that I would rather gouge my own eyeballs out than deal with. Okay, that was a bit dramatic, but still. You get the point.
I growled. “Why does everyone assume just cuz Cash is there, I want to be there too?”
“Y’all are together more often than not.”
“Because he’s training me.”
Lies. It was so much more than that and everyone fucking knew it. But I was a scared little bitch who never learned to properly handle her emotions so I wasn’t about to admit that.
“I don’t think training involves taco Tuesdays, goin’ out dancing at Cowboys, or sleepovers,” Hux offered, trying and failing to hold back a grin.
“Jesus, Dad,” I joked. “Let me live my life.”
Hux’s lips pulled wider. “He likes you.”
“We’re just friends.”
More fucking lies.
“Potato po-tah-toh, right?” Hux said, reaching out in my direction and nudging me.
“Fuck off.” But the words were light and teasing. We both fell into a fit of laughter before I sobered a moment later. And even though I already knew the answer, I still asked, “His mom be there, right?”
“She’s really involved with the church, so I’d assume so.”
I blew out a loud breath. “She fucking hates me.”
He shifted on his feet and shook his head. “Miss Violet doesn’t hate anyone.”
“Well, then she really really, really doesn’t like me,” I ground out with a false cheerfulness. “You should see the way she looks at me.”
He laughed, tapping his sunglasses twice.
“Oh shit, sorry.” I cringed. But Hux always was a good sport about anything like that.
He waved me on so I continued. “Well, just imagine, it’s like her eyes are laser beams. Not to mention, all she does is talk about Jacie Lynn this, Jacie Lynn that.
Jacie Lynn is just so sweet. Did you know she has the voice of an angel?
She even sang at church a few times. Oh, and by the way, she’s probably gonna be there tonight, and—”
“Ah,” He cut me off. “So it’s Jacie Lynn that you don’t want to see.”
“I don’t care about her,” I said on a sigh. “She’s fine. Obnoxiously sugary sweet, like that fucking tea Walker makes—”
“Hey now, those are fightin’ words,” he warned, but his voice was all playfulness. “That tea goes back generations.”