Run
OLLIE
DECEMBER
Iwas terrible. Cruel. Evil.
I managed to not cry as I packed the last of my things. As I slipped on my boots. But the moment my fingers touched the black gift box holding Cash’s Christmas present, I lost it.
Christmas morning seemed like the perfect time to leave—in theory.
Everyone should have still been sleeping from not having to get up early for work, and even if they were, they’d be distracted with presents and spending time together.
I’d already cleaned and fed before the ass crack of dawn so I could make a clean escape.
Cash Mooney loved me. He hadn’t said it in exactly those words, but words were nothing but wind anyway. I didn’t need his words to know it was true. The way he kissed me, held me, worshiped my body told me everything I needed to know.
He loved me. And I’m pretty damn sure I loved him, which was even worse.
I wasn’t made to love. I was selfish, callous.
I watched out for me and me only. And while I was capable of having friendships and flings, having a relationship—opening myself up to someone like that, being vulnerable and basically giving them my heart and the permission to break it—I couldn’t do it.
I wasn’t ready. I don’t think I’d ever be ready, if I were being completely honest.
Which was shitty, yeah, I know. No one was judging me more harshly than I was already judging myself.
Cash, for as loud and obnoxious and over the top he was, was one of the best men I’d ever met. He loved fiercely, he laughed easily, and he was so unapologetically himself. He deserved someone who… I don’t know… He deserved someone better than me.
And if I was here, he’d never stop trying to win me over. The solution was simple. Eliminate myself from the equation. I was good at it, and yet here I was, crying like the emotional, selfish little bitch I was.
My chest ached, big fat tears rolling down my cheeks that left me shuddering as I tried and failed to dry them before walking out of my room.
You can do this. You have to do this. Shut it down. Turn it off. Get the hell out of here and you can fall apart once you’re gone.
I sucked in greedy breaths as I forced my thumping heart to slow and my tears to stop. A pretty massive feat considering I was all but dancing on a metaphorical cliff. One wrong step and I was plummeting straight toward a full blown mental breakdown.
Everyone was in the living room of the bunkhouse.
I could hear their muffled voices through the walls.
They were waiting for me. I’d been so wrong about trying to leave Christmas morning.
Who knew that people woke up earlier instead of later this one day of the year.
I’d managed to croak out that I needed to grab their presents—not a total lie—and disappeared into my room.
I didn’t want to leave. For the first time in my life, I wanted to stay. And I knew Christmas morning was the absolute shittiest time to do it, but, well, was there ever really a good time for this?
I wiped at my cheeks and blew out a breath, trying to force some semblance of control on myself. Get your shit together, Ol. Make it short. Make it quick. Like ripping off a bandaid.
I nodded, grabbing my duffel bag of things and slinging it over my shoulder.
Taking a final look around my now empty room, I ignored the pang of sadness in my chest. How pathetic that after a few minutes, any trace of me was gone.
It’s like I’d never even been here at all.
I grabbed the remaining presents off my bed and opened the door before heading down the hallway.
Silence descended upon the living room as everyone noticed me.
“Ollie…” Quinn’s blue green gaze landed on me first, a worried look washing over her. “Wh-what’s going on?”
I tried and failed to keep the tears at bay. My voice broke as I said, “I–I’m leaving.”
Where silence had greeted me only moments before, now there was chaos.
Questions and expletives and curses flung through the air.
Quinn’s eyes swam with tears as she hurried over to my side.
Wyatt, Dylan, Brooks, even Whit were in various stages of disbelief and denial.
Walker shook her head, a strange mixture of emotions I couldn’t quite place lurking on her face.
But Hux aimed a sad, knowing stare my way, like he’d been suspecting this.
“Ollie…” Quinn croaked out again.
“You can’t leave!” I tried not to flinch at the absolute stubborn refusal in Walker’s tone or the determined look in her eyes as she rushed toward me. “No. Why?”
I didn’t want to get into the details. I didn’t want to tell them that I was in love with Cash but also a damn, fucking coward. They’d find out soon enough.
“I know I’m, uh…I know I’m letting you down,” I squeaked out, trying to manage the sobs threatening to overwhelm me. “But I—It’s time I moved on.”
“Ollie, please. What’s going on? What happened?” Quinn looked at me desperately, tears leaking down her pretty face.
I opened my mouth to respond, but Hux’s deep voice stopped me. “Quinn, darlin’... It’s okay. You gotta let her go.”
Her eyes flickered with defiance, like she wanted to argue, but in the next second resignation washed over her as she whispered, “At least let us give you your present.” She made her way over to the tree in the corner of the room and grabbed a large box before returning to Hux and Walker’s side just opposite me. “Here. Merry Christmas, Ollie.”
I gulped past the lump in my throat, my vision blurring. “Here, these are for you guys as well.” My voice wobbled and broke all at once as I divvied up the presents. “I’d never really been good at gift giving, so they probably suck, but I hope you like them at least somewhat.”
“Open it, please,” Quinn urged.
Oh God. Why was she making me do this? It was complete torture. I was still going to leave at the end of this. But maybe I deserved this torture—no, I definitely deserved it.
I took the box from her and peeled back the wrapping paper, noticing the Silver Spurs’ emblem foiled onto the front of the box—the place Hux and I had gone to.
Pulling off the lid and pushing away the tissue paper, I gasped.
My heart squeezed painfully tight. I couldn’t breathe.
More tears leaked down my cheeks. Uncontrollable now.
I looked at Quinn, then Hux. “Th-the hat…you got me the h-hat?” The choked whisper felt like razor blades against my throat as I tried to get it out.
It was just as beautiful as I remembered. Brilliant red with the most beautiful, intricate designs.
“Hux told me you found a hat there. We went back and found the guy you’d been talking to about it and got it.”
I pursed my lips to stifle the cry threatening to spill out of me. Through blurry eyes, I looked at the two of them. “You shouldn’t have. It was so ex—”
Hux cut me off. “Every cowgirl needs a good hat. I hope it serves you well wherever you end up.”
I fell apart then.
How could I not? I launched into his arms, earning a little grunt from him. “I’m sorry,” I whispered.
He clutched me against him tightly. “You told us this day would come,” he whispered right back, the words ragged and tight, like he was on the verge of tears as well.
“You’re always welcome here. You want a job?
You got it. A place to crash for the night?
Don’t even call. You’re family, and this is your home. ”
I trembled in his arms. Home.
I’d never had a home before. And I was giving it up.
“Take care of Nesta,” I whispered.
He simply nodded, squeezing me tighter for a long moment that made me question if I was making the right choice.
Quinn pulled me into her arms next, her lemongrass and vanilla scent soothing some of my nerves. “He’s right, you know? You’re family. Please, don’t feel like you can’t come around.”
I pulled back enough to press my forehead to hers. “Thank you for taking a chance on me. Thank you for being my friend.”
Whit and the guys all took their turns next, until finally Walker and I stood before each other. She wasn’t crying, and there was a hard, determined look in her gaze as she said, “I’m comin’ with you.”
My heart cleaved in two. “What? No, you can’t. Why would you do that?” I asked, choking on a fresh wave of tears.
“Because you’re my best friend. You’re like my sister. I’m not rea—” Tears leaked down her cheeks and her words fell away. Squeezing her eyes shut a moment, she finally managed to get out, “I’m not ready for you to leave.”
Fuck me. I didn’t deserve her. I didn’t deserve any of them. And here I was, little miss selfish, ruining their Christmas morning.
I wiped at her cheeks and offered her what I hoped was a soft smile.
“You can’t come with me, Walker. You’ve got that internship coming up.
You wanna finish school.” I almost said Reid, but withheld.
Grabbing her hands, I squeezed gently. “I’ll come visit.
I promise.” She gave me a dubious glare that made me laugh. “I promise.”
“I love you,” she whispered, dragging me against her.
I molded to her, my heart feeling like it had been put in the garbage disposal.
“I love you too,” I croaked out, and I realized with startling clarity, that I meant every word.
I loved her. I loved all of them.
Maybe there was hope for me yet.
Taking a step back, I looked at each of them before saying, “I know you guys don’t understand, and I don’t think there really are any words for me to adequately explain it, even if I tried.
I’ve spent my whole life blaming others or my past for my circumstances…
but I know now that I have to take responsibility for my own actions.
I needed to figure my shit out. Get my life straight.
I wished I could do it here, but it’s because of you guys that I feel like I have the strength to do it now. ”