33. All Apologies
CHAPTER 33
ALL APOLOGIES
SINéAD O’CONNOR
You bought her a ring? Ain’t that sweet? Too bad you’ll never see her again.
We’re gonna end you, then we’re going to break her. When we’re done, she won’t even whisper your name. She’ll be our whore, and you’ll be six feet under.
The voices in my head pull me out of one nightmare and into another. Fists and pain. Blood fills my mouth. I’m trying to yell and fight back, but I can’t. I can’t get any air, no matter how loud my lungs scream. The voices won’t stop. It feels like a gorilla has used my body as a punching bag.
My mouth is dry and everything feels strange. I can’t open my eyes yet, but I catch noises in those brief moments when I’m conscious. I recognize Coop talking to someone, but I can’t make out words, only the sound. More sounds follow, lights going by, and more voices. I can’t actually see the lights, only the change from bright to dark as we pass under them. I must be in a hallway.
We stop and there’s more commotion. I want to get someone’s attention; I want to know what’s going on, but it’s like I’m stuck in the dark. Fuck, I can’t think or move. I’m cold.
Alexis.
“See, JimJamJabber, I told you I’d get you a better room.” I can tell Coop is pacing from the sound of his shoes on the tile. Click clack click sniffle clack. It’s like a metronome and it keeps putting me to sleep over and over. My throat hurts so much, but I feel a cough building. When it finally comes, it’s like I’m being hit by a train. I can’t fight it, but I can’t take the pain much longer. Coop yells, bringing more commotion, and far too many hands.
I wake up and I’m breathing normally again and Coop is back to pacing. I can see him now, or at least some of him. Everything is still hazy.
“Hey! JimJab! Welcome back, buddy. You gonna actually wake up?”
There’s a moan, and I think it’s me because it hurts.
“Works for me, but dude, seriously, don’t talk.” He turns and pulls a chair over. My brain can’t process what’s going on, so it looks like he’s moving at double speed. Sometimes, there’s three of him. I wish he’d stop before I throw up. “You had us scared out of our heads, man. We thought you were dead.”
He’s freaking out, but I’m still not sure what’s going on. He’s having trouble looking at me, which is fine since I still can’t make him out clearly. Eventually, his rambling turns into what I want. Information.
“You were with Stevie, picking up his car at some crazy ass junkyard impound lot. Steve went with a guy to pull his car up from the back and when he got back, you were knocked the fuck out.” He smooths his hair back and takes a long breath. “Asshole at the junkyard says he’s got no cameras and everyone’s claiming they didn’t witness anything.”
“Steve’s downstairs giving a statement.” He winces. “Do, uhm, should I tell you the damage?”
It’s barely a nod, but the pain shoots through me and my head erupts. I must black out because when I open my eyes again, Coop’s on the other side of the room and I’m pretty sure Steve is with him.
I’m forgetting something. Something I can’t remember, but I’m sure it’s important. The words I recalled when I woke up have slipped back into my mind and I can’t pull them out, but they were important, too.
“Hey, you’re up again,” Coop bounces back over to my bedside. He needs to stop moving like that.
I remember a name and mouth it to him when he stops me from trying to talk.
“Dani has her. She’s bringing her here when they’re…when they’re done.” His answer is too blunt, too unsure.
“Shit, Jamie, I’m…” Steve’s face has no color as he looks at me. In all the years I’ve known him and all the pain I’ve seen him go through, not once have I seen him cry. Until now. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I didn’t know.”
I try to talk again, but Coop is in my face. “Stop! Seriously!” He’s more worried than angry. “You’re not supposed to talk because they… fuck, man. They really tried to kill you. They tried to crush your damn windpipe, Jaim. They had a fucking noose around your neck!”
Coop slumps into the chair behind him and starts listing off injuries. Broken orbital bone, broken ribs, skull fracture, collapsed lung…he keeps going, but I can’t concentrate on what he’s saying until he leans back in and waits for me to look at him again after Steve rushes out of the room. “He’s blaming himself for what happened to you and…shit. Jamie, you were supposed to meet Lexi after you were done getting Steve’s car. Do you remember that?”
I nod.
“Jamie, they, uhm, Dani’s got her in the ER to get checked out. She, uhm.” When one of the five billion monitors I’m hooked up to starts screaming, Chase tries to keep me calm. “Breathe, buddy.”
Coop’s crying and having trouble finding the words.
“I can’t—I don’t know how to—” He wipes his eyes and then closes them. “They tried to rape her, Jamie. Her fucking stepfather and some other guy named Noah.”
I can’t process what he’s just said. It’s like the words don’t make sense except for one. Noah.
Hold him down, Noah. I’ll get some rope.
I’m trying like hell to move my hand, and it’s like learning how hands work all over again. One won’t move at all and it feels like it’s strapped down, the other I’m inching toward the edge of the bed, biting back the pain. I finally reach Coop’s hand, and he jumps, then looks down at me. I mouth the name over and over again until his eyes light up.
“Noah?” I nod, fucking exhausted. I have to stay awake, though. At least until Coop figures out what I’m trying to tell him. “Do you know him?”
I pinch my index finger and thumb together and do the best I can to pull my wrist up. It’s the closest I can get to signing. I learned ASL when I wasn’t speaking and Coop learned it because he’s my friend, but we haven’t used it in a while.
“Wait, shit, I remember this one.” He snaps his fingers and hits his forehead with the palm of his hand as he tries to remember. “FIND!”
My hand drops back down to the bed as he shouts the word again and Steve comes in, trying to figure out what’s going on.
“He signed ‘find’. I told him about Lex and—wait, Dani found Alexis?” He stares at me and I roll my eyes. “Don’t be a dick. This is hard!”
“What else did you say?” Steve asks, joining the most frustrating game of charades ever.
“Find…find… I don’t know… find…he said… NOAH ! Find Noah?” He looks at Steve after I nod and then back to me. Some days I think I can see the wheels turning inside Coop’s head when he thinks hard enough. Right now, I’m watching his face go from complete confusion to realization to rage. He and I have always had this kind of connection. “They did this to you, then went after her? Jesus fuck.”
“Shit, I’ll get the cops. They’re downstairs with Alexis,” Steve yells as he runs out the door just before I pass out again.
I was supposed to protect her. I promised her.
* * *
There’s a distinct scent in the room. It’s what wakes me up the next time. It breaks through the cleaners and antiseptic hanging so heavily in the room I can pick them out with a broken nose. It’s a sweet scent that makes my heart monitor race. As badly as I want to open my eyes, I’m too scared to see the pain in her eyes.
“Hey,” Steve whispers, “Chase and I are going to grab a coffee. Do you want anything?”
“No. I’m okay, thanks.”
“Text us if anything changes and we’ll come running.”
I hear the door close, then her voice again. “You can open your eyes now. I know you’re awake again.”
I force my one working eye open. When I see her, the pain disappears, replaced by broken butterflies trying to fly with torn wings. She leans over, her lips grazing mine, and I whimper as she pulls away from me.
“I’m sorry, did I hurt you?” she asks in a panic, but I shake my head and try to smile. My eye never leave hers as she moves to the other side of the bed and picks my hand up. The second she does, I squeeze as hard as I can since I’m fairly sure a baby has more grip than I do right now. She pushes the hair away from my eyes, careful not to brush against the one I still can’t open. “Guess you were tired. You’ve been out for two days.”
I open my mouth, but she covers my lips with two fingers. “No talking, pretty boy. Besides, I already know what you’re going to say.”
I want desperately to hold her, to tell her how sorry I am. I want to tell her I’m here for her, that I’ve got her now and she can fall apart if she needs to. She needs to, I can tell, because the stars in her eyes have gone out.
* * *
“Wakey, wakey! No eggs and bakey for you, James, sorry man,” Sam sings as he comes into the room three days later with bags of food. There’s some guy in a suit following him and carrying coffees. I’d kill for a coffee right now. “Where’s Lex?”
“Therapy,” I whisper, and Chase smacks me. He rolls his eyes when I add, “Sorry.”
He hasn’t left the hospital since I got here, taking turns with Lexi to make sure someone is always in the room with me but also giving each other breaks from the boring room and that fucking beeping that never stops. It’s why they keep people drugged in hospitals. I swear, how else is anyone getting any sleep in here? I wonder how much the studio and his agent hate me right now.
“Alright, we can at least get your part of things started. This is Stan Morgan. He’s a lawyer, a damn decent lawyer, and I’ve hired him for you and Lexi. Stan, this is James Barton and his buddy Chase Cooper.”
“Nice to meet you, Mr. Barton.” He shakes my hand, carefully. I’m not sure what to make of all this. I still have a lot of pain medication running through me and it’s made me more than a little loopy when I can stay awake. “Mr. Cooper, my kid, loves your movies. Before I start, though, I have to ask James if he wants you and Sam in the room for all this.”
I nod. If I can’t trust Sam and Coop, then I’m beyond fucked.
“I don’t have all the details yet since it is an active and ongoing investigation, but they have arrested both Ronald Miller and Noah Jones for their assault on both you and Ms. Strauss. James, I’ve tried a lot of cases, and looking at the police reports, these two are going away for a long time. There was evidence all over them, their vehicle, and the house. They were so sure they’d get away with it; they were both still wearing blood stained clothing when the police showed up.”
Lexi slips in behind him and sits on the edge of the bed, holding my hand while Morgan goes over more of the details and his plans moving forward. It’s a lot to take in, especially right now, with everything so raw for both of us. Lexi is blaming herself for all of it. I’m blaming myself for all of it, and neither of us is ready to have the conversation we need to have about the situation. We sign some forms to get things rolling after Sam insists on paying for all of our legal fees. He said we could pay him back after we sue the living hell out of that mega church Lexi’s stepdad was running.
He’s packing things up when Lexi finally asks her burning question, but I also know she’s afraid to hear the answer. “Did the police say anything about my mother?”
“They brought Catherine Strauss-Miller in for questioning. There’s a chance the prosecutor will offer her some leniency if she testifies against them, assuming she has anything to offer. It looks like her lawyer is going to take the battered wife defense.”
When he leaves, Lexi climbs into the bed next to me. “How was therapy?” I ask as I kiss her forehead and put my good arm around her. We’ve found the one or two positions I can hold her in without getting her tangled in medical equipment or me doubling over in pain. We’re making it work, which is kind of our thing anyhow.
“Fine.”
Before I can ask her more, the spitting image of her—except with brown hair and a tan—bursts through the door.
“Lex?!” That has to be Bex. She strides over and the pair embrace.
“I got here as fast as I could. Dani called me, but I didn’t have my phone on and I’m so sorry! I got the first flight I could and then a bunch of other flights after it,” Bex mumbles into Lex’s sweater as they rock back and forth, crying together. After a few minutes, Lex pulls away and turns back to me. “Uhm, Bex, this is Jamie. Jamie, this is my sister, Bex.”
“Holy shit, who did a number on you?!”
I smile, then wince. I forget that smiling still hurts like a bitch.
“Ronnie,” Lex answers, then looks at the floor. “Ronnie and another guy, Noah. Then they came to the house. They acted like nothing was going on. Like they hadn’t just beat someone to the brink of death because of me.”
“NOPE! This is not your fault. Where is that son of a bitch?” Bex shouts. I like Bex already. “I’m going to shoot that fucking bastard in his goddamn dick.” Lexi grabs Bex’s arm as she tries to leave and pulls her back. “What? I’m serious! I’m not letting them get away with this shit. Where are they?”
“Jail. They arrested both of them for what they did to Jamie…and me.” Lexi looks so small. The therapy is helping her, but I’m not sure I’ll ever get the old Lexi back. “I’m sorry, Bex. I should have listened to you. You were right about mom, she knew what they were planning.”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I should never have left you.”
“You were doing what was best for you.”
“But I should have been doing what was best for you, too!”
Over the next few hours, they shed more tears and hug each other tighter. Watching the two of them is like staring into the sun and the moon. Even as twins, Lexi still looks up to Bex. She is strong and independent, but there’s a softness in Lexi that Bex doesn’t have. They’re so alike, and so uniquely themselves. At some point, I doze off and when I wake up, they’re sitting across the room with Chase talking about superhero movies. I can see a bit of Lexi coming back with Bex around, and I hope it sticks.
“Dinner’s up!” Steve announces as he comes in with three bags of the most delicious smelling burgers ever. I have got to get some solid food soon or I’m going to lose it. “Sorry, pal.” He tosses a handful of Jell-O cups onto the tray next to me as I frown. I stare up at the ceiling as a fresh wave of depression hits. It seems so dumb, getting depressed over burgers, but it’s not the burgers. It’s the hospital, it’s meeting Lexi’s sister and I can’t even speak to her, it’s the pieces of Lexi littering the floor around me that I can’t do a fucking thing about.
“Open your eyes.”
She’s standing over me with her beautiful brown eyes and her half smile. Somewhere in my self-wallowing, everyone has left, and I didn’t even notice. She holds out a spoonful of toxic green gelatin and shrugs as I scrunch my face up.
“Come on. Eat this and then I’ll give you part of the burger I saved for you, but only a very small bite, mister.” She feeds me a few spoonfuls and fuck, this stuff is awful. She scrapes the bottom of the cup and shovels it into her own mouth and laughs as she chokes a little. “Eww, sugar free? That’s just rude. You want some company up there?”
I nod. She climbs up and carefully squeezes in next to me, then reaches back and fishes out a bite of her burger from the greasy bottomed bag. She holds it out for me, but I shake my head. There’s something else I want more, no matter how tempting burgers are.
“Thirsty?”
I smirk, “Only for you.” I sound like someone strangled a fucking frog.
“Nice to see you still have your cheesy pick up line game going strong, pretty boy,” she giggles. It sounds like angels, and I catch that tiny glimmer of hope blooming in her eyes.
She kisses me once, softly, on the lips. Twice a little harder to see if I can take it. Then my hand slides over her ass and her tongue into my mouth. She tastes better than a thousand burgers and is as sweet as all the sugar in the world. The beeping finally stops and the world slows down for us again.
“I like Bex.” I whisper.
“Yeah? She’s pretty great.”
“Now I know what you’d look like with dark hair.”
“And skinny,” she says with a frown.
“But I want you just like this, Angel. Just the way you are. Perfect.”
“Yeah? You know, you’re not supposed to talk until your vocal cords heal. I won’t tell Chase though.” She smiles, it’s a shy smile that hides how broken she is. “He’s supposed to teach me a few signs tomorrow. I didn’t know you knew sign language, but I guess that makes sense since you did the whole mute kid thing.”
She kisses me again, and it’s slow. Like she’s trying to tell me everything will be okay even if she doesn’t believe it herself.
“I love you,” I whisper against her lips. She lays her head on my chest and I drift off to sleep again.