Chapter 14 #2
I spend the rest of Cooper’s game with my eyes glued to him. What Ellie said before was the push I needed to tell Cooper how I feel about him.
Everyone seems so confident that he feels the same way, so I have nothing to worry about, right?
But what if they are misunderstanding the situation? What if they have it all wrong?
The crowd cheers, snapping me out of my racing thoughts. I look around, realizing our team has won.
A smile finds my face and I search for Cooper. He’s cheering with the rest of his team.
“That's our boys!” Val shouts. “Come on, let's get out of here.”
I follow the girls out of the crowd and down toward the locker room, where we usually meet Cooper after games, whether it’s to congratulate him or to tell him ‘good game, get them next time’.
That’s another thing I love about his friend group. They are always supportive, no matter what.
I guess they’re my friend group now too.
“I know the football house is going to be partying up a storm tonight. Good thing it’s Friday because I have a feeling everyone is going to be hungover as fuck.” Val laughs.
“Not to mention the Halloween party they’re having tomorrow. That place is going to be trashed. Cooper isn’t going to be too happy about that come Sunday morning.” Lexie sighs.
“He should make the rest of the team clean it up. Not his party, not his problem,” Ellie says. “He hasn’t been to any of the parties in months.”
“I know.” Val groans. “It sucks because who else is going to tell the weirdos to get lost for me?”
“Really?” Lexie mutters. “Girl, you have no issue doing that yourself.”
“You’re right.” Val grins. “It’s fun.”
“I’m glad he doesn’t party as much. Means he’s over at my place more.” Ellie laughs. “The kids do love their uncle Cooper.”
That makes me smile. She’s right, Cooper has been going over a lot more and he’s been bringing me too. I love Ellie’s kids. Lilly and Toby are a lot of fun and her little boy, Bennett, is just the cutest. I’ve always loved kids. There’s just something so pure about them.
“Hey. Your kids love Auntie Val too.”
“They do. But Auntie Val likes to drink like a fish and should come over more instead.”
“I hate how right you are. I should listen. My liver would thank you.”
“There’s Cooper,” Lexie says, getting my attention.
Smiling, I look toward the locker room door, excited to see him. But as he starts walking toward us, a guy steps in front of him.
My smile falls as Cooper smiles. He starts talking to the guy, laughing at whatever he says.
“What the fuck is he doing here?” Val mutters.
“Who’s that?” I ask, my stomach sinking as every negative thought comes rushing forward.
“That’s Luke.” Ellie sighs.
“Who’s Luke?” I’ve never seen him before.
“His ex. Well, not ex exactly. They never officially dated. Cooper’s never really been the one to have boyfriends, but they did mess around.
I’ve never liked the guy. Always thought Luke was a bit of a player.
I get not being official, but to always act like someone didn’t exist when you bump into them in public is just ick. So messed up.”
The girls’ voices melt away as my heart thuds widely in my chest. A surge of emotions I don’t understand swell to the surface.
My eyes sting with tears, the lack of air in my lungs makes it harder and harder to breathe.
I watch as Cooper talks to him, smiles with him and when Luke steps closer to lean in and whisper something into Cooper’s ear, his lips curved into what I believe is a salacious smile, I feel the bile rise in my throat.
This is someone Cooper slept with. Had some kind of relationship with. The realization that he’s had a sexual past has me stepping away. I knew he did, I knew he wasn’t some kind of virgin.
But if the other guys he’s been with look anything like Luke, why would he want to be with me?
I’m a scrawny, awkward guy who has nothing to offer him. Nothing that they couldn’t, anyway.
Before I know what I’m doing, I turn around and run for my car.
I’m shaking as I get inside and start the engine. The whole ride home I struggle to see through the blur of tears.
I know I’m overreacting, overthinking, and being way too dramatic. I know this, but it doesn’t change how I feel. I know nothing is going on between the two of them. They were just talking.
I just don’t fucking know how to handle these new feelings. It’s overwhelming and I feel like the world is spinning.
“Blake, honey is that you?” Mom calls out as I throw open the front door. “Blake, oh my god, what's wrong?”
Mom rushes to me. “I think I’m having a panic attack,” I rasp out, seconds from hyperventilating. I haven’t felt like this in years. Not since I came home broken and bruised after the football team took their turn reminding me just how much they hated me.
“What happened? What's wrong?” She cups my face, worry thick in her eyes.
That's what breaks me. Deep, heavy sobs rattle in my chest as I pull my mom’s smaller body into mine.
“Oh baby.” She hugs me tight. “Whatever it is, it’s going to be okay.”
“It doesn’t feel like it.” I cry into her shoulder.
I feel so stupid right now, but everything is catching up with me and I don’t know what to do.
I never fucking know what to do and I hate it.
I hate myself. I hate how fucked up my brain feels sometimes and I hate how different I am, because it makes it ten times harder to navigate the world without feeling like everyone is against me.
After I manage to calm down, Mom gets me to the couch. “Talk to me, sweetie. Tell me what happened.”
“It’s stupid.” I shake my head. “It’s fine.”
“No. It's not. You’re upset. I want you to know you can tell me anything, okay?”
“Do you know what demisexual is?” I start. I need her to understand all of this, so I need to tell her everything.
“No.” Her brows furrow. “Could you tell me?”
“It’s someone who generally feels an attraction toward a person after developing a close or strong emotional bond with them. Could be sexual, romantic. One or the other, or both.”
“Okay.” She nods slowly. “So, they only feel something toward another person when they bond with them. Like, a close friendship?”
“Yeah, something like that.”
She gives me a soft smile that makes me want to cry all over again. “And you’re demisexual. Is this what you’re trying to tell me?”
“Yes,” I whisper, feeling like I’m going to puke.
“It’s why I always brushed you and Nina off whenever you’d tease me about a guy or girl, whether I had a crush or was dating someone.
Because I didn’t, I wasn’t. Until meeting Cooper and his friends, I didn’t have any friends.
I’ve never seen anyone, guy or girl, in any kind of sexual or romantic way. ”
“Oh honey. I wish you’d said something sooner.” She looks so guilty and I hate it. “I would never have done that if I knew, and I know your sister wouldn’t have either. We just want you to be happy and find someone who sees you for just how amazing you are. We never cared about gender.”
“I know.” I give her a sad smile. “That’s the thing. I never cared about gender either. It was the fact that I was never able to get close enough to another person to develop those feelings. For the longest time I thought I’d be alone. That I’d never meet anyone that made me feel anything.”
“Has that changed?” She gives me a knowing look.
“It has.” My eyes well up with tears again. “And I’m fucking terrified, because I don’t know how to navigate these feelings that I’ve never experienced before. I don’t know what to do about them.”
“Would the certain someone who managed to win your heart happen to be Cooper?
“Yeah.”
“Oh honey, I don’t think you have anything to worry about. That boy adores you. If you told him how you felt, I know he’d give you all the time and support you need to navigate these new feelings.”
“I want to believe you so badly.” I bury my face in my hands.
“You’re the kind of person who needs to see it to believe it, to experience it for yourself. I know, honey, I know. The first thing you need to do is let the boy know. Give him that chance to show you.”
“I overreacted big time and I think I did something stupid tonight.” I sigh, looking up at her.
“When we were waiting for Cooper to come out of the locker room after the game, a guy that he has a past with came up to him and started talking to him. He was being all friendly, too friendly, and I started to freak out inside and thought the worst.”
“Did he kiss him? Show any signs of wanting more?”
“No. That's the thing, though, I didn’t stay long enough to see how it would play out. I was plagued with all these negative thoughts and I freaked out. I came home, rather than staying to find out.”
“I think you need to talk to Cooper and tell him how you feel. If you don’t, it’s going to eat at you and I can't see my baby boy slip into another depression.” Her eyes well with tears.
“Shit,” I curse, standing and pulling her to her feet. I wrap her in a hug, feeling like the worst person ever, remembering the dark times of my past. “That’s not going to happen again, Mom. I’m here to stay. No matter what.”
“I just love you so much, Blake. I want to see you happy. If Cooper makes you happy, then I think you owe it to yourself to fight for that happiness. You’re an amazing person, Blake, and I know sometimes you can’t see it.
I hate that for you, because you really are the best. Kind, sweet, loving.
You’re strong and brave. I’m so proud of you. ”
Feeling like a little boy, I start to cry again. I never knew just how much I needed my mom until right now.
Later that night, I text Cooper back. He said he came by to check on me, but my mom said I was sick.
It’s a lie. I asked her to send him away. I felt like shit doing it, but I knew if I saw Cooper, everything would come out in a blubbering mess of nonsense.
I need the night with my thoughts, to settle down and think.
Tomorrow at the Halloween party, I’ll tell Cooper how I feel.
I just hope that I don’t end up shooting myself in the heart by taking this leap.
I know if I don’t though, it’s going to eat me alive.
I need this. I need him.
Please, Cooper, don’t break my heart. I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle it.