Chapter 5
Chapter Five
C olt didn’t have to go into the catering kitchen until early the next afternoon, so we had a lazy morning in the apartment, before he left for work and I headed to my therapy appointment. Amazingly enough, I must have drunk enough water the night before to stave off a hangover. I still hadn’t called the attorney’s office, mostly because I had a feeling Colt was right. Sure, Momma had undoubtedly had her reasons for leaving Sweet Briar, but she’d left that land to me, hadn’t she? And she’d never agreed to sell it. Could she have wanted me to visit?
Instead of scaring me, the mystery intrigued me.
In the span of a few hours, I went from adamantly opposed to going to strongly considering taking a road trip to check it out. Hadn’t Belinda and I been considering a girls’ trip?
When I entered Dr. Norton’s office, I sat in my usual seat, the stuffed chair by the window that overlooked a small fountain, and turned to face her, eager to get her opinion on the subject.
Dr. Norton stood from behind her desk and moved gracefully to her own usual chair, a well-worn, dark brown leather armchair. In the beginning, I’d spent plenty of quiet moments studying the cracks in that chair, sitting in silence as I tried to process my heavy emotions. Dr. Norton hadn’t pressed me to speak, saying that sometimes it was important to allow myself to feel the ugly things buried deep under my skin without feeling the need to apologize to the people I loved for feeling them.
“The wounds on your outside might be nearly healed,” she’d said in her warm, nurturing voice. “But the wounds deep down can take so much longer.”
Surprisingly, the fact that she didn’t push, merely accepted what I felt comfortable sharing, had made me trust her more. I’d started spilling my guts about everything—my contentious relationship with my mother, my brother’s deep jealousy and hatred, my father’s multiple betrayals, my guilt over killing him, and my complicated feelings about Colt. And of course, my many, many fears. I’d been making such great progress until that stupid podcast had invaded my life.
“How was your week, Magnolia?” she asked in a warm tone that made me feel like I’d joined a good friend for tea.
“Honestly?” I said. “Shitty. I realized I can’t work at my job anymore, and I was bombarded by a podcaster in a parking lot and froze up like a Butterball turkey.”
Her mouth parted, but she didn’t respond, likely trying to figure out which statement to unpack first. I wasn’t surprised when she settled on the podcasters. “Someone confronted you?”
“At a job, no less. Tilly didn’t handle it well and sent me home.”
Dr. Norton frowned. “She fired you?”
“No, but she told me I was disrupting things, which I was. And business is already hurting. If it gets around that my presence ensures a circus, we’ll lose even more jobs. So it’s easier if I don’t work on-site jobs.”
“So now you’re just working in the kitchen?”
“Looks like it. And no, I don’t have another job lined up. I could try to go back to my old retail job, but I doubt that would be much better. I’d be a spectacle there too, just like when I tried to go back months ago.” I paused. “Belinda thinks I should get away for a while. Where people don’t know me.”
“And how do you feel about that?”
“Part of me wants to go away, although I’d hate for Belinda to be stuck with the expenses since I can’t touch Momma’s life insurance policy. But I do have another idea for getting money.”
Her eyes widened. “Oh?” Then she tentatively added, “Have you reconsidered doing some of the paid interviews?”
“No.” The relief on her face made me smile. “I just found out that Momma owned property in Alabama. The attorney who notified me told me there’s someone who’s interested in buying it. If I sell the land, I won’t have to worry about money as much. At least temporarily.”
“This is a big decision, Magnolia,” she said softly, looking me in the eye. “You shouldn’t rush into it.”
“Selling the land? I didn’t even know it existed until last night.”
“Which is exactly why you should give it more thought.”
“I’m thinking of going down there and checking it out first,” I said, “if that makes you feel any better. My mother left her hometown after high school and never went back, yet she never sold the property. I didn’t even know she owned it. Why would she keep it?”
“That is a good question. Is that part of the reason you plan to visit?”
“I’d be lying if I said no. There’s a mystery there, and digging into it might help me find out more about my mother.”
Dr. Norton beamed. “You seem excited by the prospect.”
“Yeah,” I said, “I guess I am.”
“When was the last time you were excited about something?” she asked.
I let her question sink in before I said, “I don’t know.”
“Then maybe this is a good thing,” she said carefully. “As long as you don’t go in with outsized expectations. Just make the trip and see what happens. Your mother left there a long time ago. You might not find out much. Are you prepared to accept that?”
She had a good point. “Yeah, I might not find out anything at all, but maybe seeing the place will be enough.”
“I think those are healthy expectations,” she said. “How does Colt feel about you going to see the property?”
“I haven’t told him I’ve actually decided to go, but he encouraged me to do it.”
“When do you think you’ll be able to make the trip?”
“Well… Belinda suggested going away for a girls’ trip, and she has this weekend free. I’m thinking about asking her to combine the two.”
“And how will Colt feel about that?”
Something about her tone gave me pause. “You don’t think I should go without him?”
“No,” she said, “I’m not saying that at all. I know you’re concerned that you’re becoming too dependent on him, and now you’re talking about leaving for a weekend trip without him.” Her expression softened with a warm smile. “I see that as progress, don’t you?”
“Yeah,” I said warily, because suddenly it felt like a betrayal.
“We both know Colt’s very worried about you,” she continued, “so it’s fair to ask how he feels about this.”
“I suspect he won’t like it.”
She looked surprised. “Because he won’t be around to protect you?”
“Yeah,” I said with a frown.
“Do you still feel like you need protecting?”
“Yes, but I know it’s illogical. I’m perfectly safe, even if that podcaster ambushed me last night. She wasn’t going to hurt me. Not physically, anyway.”
“Tell me more about what happened.”
I recounted the incident, including the part about me freezing up and Mo’s insinuation that she knew Tilly was keeping a secret about her more-than-just-friends relationship with my mother.
“Why do you think Tilly got so upset?”
“I suspect it’s because she doesn’t want her secret to come out,” I said.
“What if she doesn’t want your mother’s secret to come out?” Dr. Norton asked.
“What does it matter? Momma’s dead.”
“It obviously matters to Tilly,” she said. “What if your mother’s mystery in Alabama is connected to her sexuality?”
My mouth dropped open. I hadn’t considered that.
“How will Tilly feel about you snooping around your mother’s past?”
Dr. Norton’s question draped over me like a wet blanket, and disappointment hit me hard. Although I’d only learned about the land the night before, it had captured my attention. My imagination. It felt good to think of something besides Tripp Tucker. Besides my father. And my mother had lived on this land before she’d even met him.
“You don’t think I should go check it out?”
“No,” she said, “I’m not telling you that at all. This is your decision. I’m just preparing you for the possibility that you might face opposition from two people whose opinions mean the world to you. How will that affect your decision?”
I thought about it for several seconds. “I still think I need to go.”
“Why do you need to go?” she asked.
Her question irritated me. Wasn’t it obvious? “I want to find out more about my mother.”
“And?”
“Isn’t that enough?”
“Of course, but we both know there’s more to it than that. Why else do you want to go with Belinda to visit your mother’s hometown?”
She was right, of course. “I want to go without Colt. I need to do this without him.”
“Why?”
“To prove to myself that I’m with him because I love him and want to be with him, not because I can’t be without him.” Tears welled in my eyes. “Why does that feel selfish?”
“It’s not, Magnolia. It’s a good way to test the validity of your fear. Besides, you’re not planning to leave him for good. Only for the weekend while you check out your mother’s property.”
“Even if I hurt him in the process?”
“He loves you. I think he’ll surprise you with his support.”
“And Tilly?”
“She might take it more personally, but from what you’ve said about her, she loves and supports you too. She’ll come around.”
I nodded, glancing out the window at the fountain. “I hate that I’ve become this person. I was getting better and two people I don’t even know stole it from me.”
“No,” she said evenly. “They didn’t steal anything from you, but it’s not surprising their show is having a negative effect on your recovery. You’re back in the spotlight again, and it’s dragging all those memories into the forefront. But if this hadn’t happened, something else would have done the same thing. For one, it was a high-profile case. You’ll likely see or hear references to it for the rest of your life. And two, there’s always the chance the most random things will trigger your memories and the fear to come rushing back. This is a good opportunity for you to work on coping strategies to deal with it.”
I must have looked as dismayed as I felt, because she paused and gave me a warm smile before continuing. “You lived through two very painful traumas, Magnolia. They will likely haunt you for the rest of your life, but you can learn to move past it. Whether you recognize it or not, you’ve already made tremendous progress. I only see you getting even better from here.”
I nodded, tears filling my eyes again. “But it doesn’t seem fair to Colt. I keep thinking I should be over this already. I’m sure he thought I would be, but I’m just getting worse, and he’s stuck dealing with my neuroses.”
“I’ve spoken to Colt on enough occasions to know that he not only realizes the challenges you’re facing, but welcomes the chance to help you.” She paused again, shifting in her seat. “Don’t forget that he faced a trauma of his own. He had to see you helpless and hurt. He was too injured to stop your father from kidnapping you. Have you considered that he might see supporting you now as a way of making up for his perceived failure in protecting you?”
I started to cry but laughed too. “We’re both a mess, aren’t we?”
“You’re human, but for what it’s worth, I believe that Colt loves you for you, not out of some misguided hero complex. And I believe you truly love him too. Still, some time apart might be good for the both of you. It will be a chance for you to see that your relationship is based on love and not the experiences of your past.”
I knew she was right about all of it, but my heart was already aching at the thought of a few days away from him. All the more reason to go.
“Have you changed your mind about singing with Colt?”
Her question caught me by surprise. She hadn’t brought up my reluctance for several weeks. “No.”
“Is it still a hard no or are you tempted?”
I thought about my drinking binge at the Embassy. “I think I miss it.” I cracked a smile, surprised by my own admission. “I hadn’t expected that.”
“And your reluctance is still from your fear of attention?” she asked.
I nodded. The thought of people staring at me and talking about me cranked my anxiety up several notches. But last night, looking at that stage and thinking about my first performance with Colt… I’d thought I’d chosen the bar for old times’ sake. Because I was thinking about setting him free. Because I wanted to remember the woman I’d been. But I couldn’t deny the experience had reignited my love of entertaining. “But it’s not a hard no anymore.”
She smiled. “Well, I’d consider that progress, don’t you think?”
“I’m still not ready to leap onto a stage yet.”
“Maybe not, but you feel more inclined to give it a try than you did three weeks ago.”
“Yeah,” I said, surprised that it made me feel stronger. “So maybe there’s hope for me yet.”
“There’s always hope, Magnolia. And you’re doing remarkably well. Don’t sell yourself short.”
I wasn’t sure about the remarkably part, but I was relieved to know I might want to perform with Colt again at some point. He had no qualms about singing without me, but we both knew he enjoyed it more when I was by his side.
The timer announced the end of our session, so I picked up my purse off the floor and stood. “Thank you, Dr. Norton.”
She gave me a comforting smile. “Be kind to yourself, Magnolia. I can’t wait to hear how your weekend goes.”
I said goodbye and walked out to my car, both hopeful and terrified. Once I was safely inside with the doors locked, I pulled up Belinda’s name on my phone.
“I have a few places in mind,” she said as soon as she answered. “How do you feel about lying on a beach with mai tais?”
It sounded great, but then I remembered my scars, and was grateful to already have an alternative location to offer. “Actually, I have a place in mind, but it might not be your idea of rest and relaxation.”
“Where?” she asked without missing a beat.
“Sweet Briar, Alabama. I just found out that Momma owned the land she grew up on and someone wants to buy it. I’d like to go see it before I sign on the dotted line.”
“I’ll make the reservations,” she said without hesitation.
“Just like that?” I asked in surprise.
“This weekend is for you, Magnolia,” she said. “Besides, I’d love to get a glimpse of your mother’s hometown. Leave all the details to me.”
I knew I should take ownership of the trip, but Belinda was the one with the functioning credit card, and I was just proud of myself for making such a big decision. Baby steps.
Little did I know what I was getting myself into.