Chapter 18
HANNA
Hanna had been a straight ass. She knew that, without Maya freaking out. It had been unexpected, and even though Maya was the one clearly in pain, she had pushed it aside to focus on Hanna, lovingly telling her to “grow the fuck up.”
Sweet Maya. Hanna had started to tell her that nothing was going on, but then knew she owed her more than that.
“I just, I don’t know, I just feel like, maybe this was a mistake and I don’t know why.
I feel like this is a game to her. I don’t like being reminded that we might just be one—two of many?
” Hanna had finally confessed to Maya. Who thankfully hadn’t pushed her to explain why that was the case for her, but pushed Hanna to either be honest with everyone or to cut the attitude.
Hanna was self-aware enough to know that growing up in a household with two God-fearing Protestant parents who never raised their voices or showed any hint of conflict had made it so she didn’t know how to navigate and express her feelings properly in this situation.
She never lashed out, mainly because she never allowed herself to.
And yet, when it came to Lily Miller, she hadn't been able to stop herself. It also unnerved her how freeing it had been to simply express how she was feeling, even if she hadn’t expressed why.
Still, Maya’s warning to be truthful stuck with her.
“It’s not fair to Lily, me, or you,” Maya had said, looking worn down.
Hanna hated that she’d pushed her to that point.
She wanted to be able to change immediately and say something like, Sorry, something about you flares up this insecurity in me and I lash out, but that would require her to be way more emotionally well-adjusted than she was at the moment. That probably required therapy.
But she did know, hopefully, how to gloss over a bad spell.
She sat down on the blanket facing Lily’s back, Maya sitting on another corner.
“I know the view is great, but you’ve already seen it and besides,” she grasped at an attempt to be coy, “the view over here isn’t bad either.” She cringed at her poor attempt at lightness. She heard Lily sigh, but then she lifted her legs and spun around so she was on the blanket too.
“Well?” Hanna said, trying to smooth the unease from her face.
After a long pause Lily said, “It isn’t bad,” and ended with a weak smile.
Despite the recent exchange, a comfortable silence began to spread out between them, like their tension was dissipating. Finally Maya said, “So what were we going to do up here?”
“I don’t know,” Lily said softly.
“Well what do you usually do…” Maya shot her a look that said careful, and Hanna changed directions, “…when you’re up here?
” Lily looked up at her, her blue eyes so piercing in the surrounding grey and white of winter.
In them Hanna thought she saw something she’d never dared imagine: vulnerability.
Hanna held Lily’s gaze for a beat longer, and then Maya said, “So you know, we have spent more time physically together these last few days than ever before.”
The math in the statement had Hanna blinking away from Lily and turning to Maya. “Can’t you just say that we don’t know each other so well?”
“Yeah or just literally put that any way else,” Lily added, and Hanna warmed to the moment of alignment.
“Yeah, yeah okay, my point is we don’t know each other so well and like, we can’t spend this whole trip fucking.”
“Is that a challenge?” Lily’s voice was even and low; whatever Hanna had seen in her eyes earlier was gone.
“Okay, Ms.’we need to go for a hike,’” Maya retorted.
“Oh my god was that a hike?” Lily asked, finally cracking a smile.
“To be fair, we aren’t even up that high,” Hanna said, continuing to lean into the current alignment with Lily. She hoped if she leaned far enough into it, Lily would see she didn’t want to fight. She wanted to be on the same side.
“Whatever, Vermont ladies,” Maya said, rolling her eyes but smiling. “Why don’t we do something fun together to get to know each other? I wanna play twenty questions.”
“What are we, twelve?” Lily asked.
“It is on brand for us, we did have a sleepover the first time we met,” Hanna added.
“Sure, take her side,” Lily said, but shot her a mischievous smile that let her know they were okay. They were on the same side.
“Oh come on,” Maya said, “I came all the way up here.”
“I should have packed hot chocolate or a bottle of something maybe,” Lily said.
“Here, come here, everyone open their coats.” When Maya gave Hanna a look, Hanna added, “Trust me, my cousins and I used to do this.”
“Uh,” Lily started.
“Oh get your mind out of the gutter, this way we all can stay warm. Here, I’ll lie this way.
” Hanna moved everyone so that she and Lily were on either side of Maya, their coats open and wrapped together to create a little blanket over Maya, whose coat was also open.
All of their body heat was pressed together, trapped by their winter coats.
It wouldn’t last long, but Hanna could feel heat collecting between them.
“Okay, so I may have also snuck this up here.” Maya shimmied and produced a small flask. “Cinnamon whiskey,” she said, peering up at both Lily and Hanna.
Hanna turned to Lily and then back to Maya. “Where did you get a flask?”
“I found it in Lily’s house, I don’t know.
There were like three in one of the cabinets so I nipped one.
I wanted to do a cute little day-drinky toast to celebrate our hike.
” Maya smiled, her brown eyes turned skyward, the daylight pulling out the light amber hues in them.
Hanna wanted to kiss her, but Lily beat her to it, planting a smack on Maya’s cheek.
“I knew there was a reason I fuck with you,” Lily said, taking the flask.
“And your family just keeps flasks around?” Hanna asked instead.
“I mean, yeah,” Lily supplied, and she started to take a swig.
“Wait,” Maya interrupted her, “what are we celebrating?”
“To this wonderful walk,” Lily said.
“To this wonderful walk,” Hanna repeated.
“To this wonderful hike,” Maya corrected, and the three of them laughed. Lily took a swig.
Hanna took it as a promising sign that Lily then handed the flask to her. Hanna took a sip. The burn of the whiskey was immediate, but the syrupy cinnamon flavor helped keep her from coughing. She handed the flask to Maya, who took a swig.
“That’s no cider,” Maya declared, and the three of them laughed.
“So, twenty questions?” Hanna said, because truthfully, she wanted to know about both women. She snuggled in closer, Maya’s lean body beneath her, Lily’s pressed against her side.
“Fine, now that I have some booze I guess,” Lily said.
“Okay, hmmm, if you could travel anywhere in the world, where would it be?” Maya asked.
“Whoa, okay, thought we could start with like, favorite color or something,” Lily said.
“We only have twenty questions!”
“I mean it is cold, so this needs to be over rather quickly,” Hanna said. Curiosity nipped at her. “But what is your favorite color?” she asked, turning to Lily.
“Green,” Lily said immediately, “like an obnoxious lime green or even better, limerick.”
“Limerick?” Hanna repeated.
“Trust the art major to know that one,” Maya said, smiling up at Lily.
“What’s yours?” Lily said to Maya.
“I was going to just say purple but I better be more specific and say magenta, like a dark magenta.”
“Ooooh sultry and sophisticated, makes sense,” Hanna said, and then because she was the only one left she said, “I just like blue. All kinds of blue,” and the three of them laughed.
Lighter on their feet than they had been on the way up, they made their way down the path towards the house for a late lunch or early dinner, depending on how you looked at things.
Hanna walked between Lily and Maya, smiling as they continued their game of twenty questions, having been chased away by the cold at around question ten.
She learned Maya was a Sagittarius, December; Lily, a Leo (because of course she was), July; so two fire signs, which would prove interesting to navigate considering she was an October born Libra.
“We really could use an earth sign to ground us,” Hanna said.
“God what is it about us queer folk and astrology?” Lily laughed.
The air around them was lighter then too, but as the questions went on, the more in depth they were becoming.
Lily and Maya shared about navigating their parents’ relationships.
Hanna learned that Lily’s father had a whole other life now, which was heartbreaking.
The man was also an idiot, because the Blakes made for great women from what she could tell.
“Yeah well, I’m not a Blake, am I?” Lily said, and there was a pause before Maya asked if she ever wanted to change her name. After a long moment Lily said, “It’s the only thing I have left of him, the last reminder that it had all been real once.”
Hanna stopped, and so did Maya.
“Let’s not make a thing out of it,” Lily said as she kept walking.
Hanna looked at Maya, and Maya shook her head slightly before moving to catch up with Lily.
After that, Hanna attempted to lighten the mood with silly questions about sex positions and the silliest things each woman had ever done. Hanna could tell Lily was trying to keep on that theme as they neared the house.
“When was the last time you missed being together, the three of us?” Lily asked, a hint of flirtation in her voice.
“I’ll go first, the night before you both got here I def had to rub one out so I didn’t jump both of you as soon as you got here.
I was thinking about our last video call and couldn’t fall asleep. ”
“I couldn’t sleep either, I was just excited to see you both finally,” Hanna said.
“That’s all you’re going to give us? Come on Banana,” Lily said, turning to Maya, who was looking down at the ground. When Maya didn’t look up she said, “You, insatiable Banana? All you did was be excited and go to sleep?”
“Yep, some of us can hold out and wait,” Hanna said without thinking. She hadn’t meant anything by it, but she had spent most of her life waiting. Wanting. She knew how to do without. Lily’s smile faltered for a second but before Hanna could try to smooth over what she said, Maya looked up.
“New Year’s,” Maya said seriously.
“You mean you wish you could have smooched us?” Lily asked.
“No–I mean sure, but no, New Year’s Day,” Maya said.
“I had just cleaned the house and gotten my mother’s laundry done.
She was still in bed, and I realized I hadn’t gone out.
I spent the night trying to distract my mom that her “new beginning” was happening without my dad.
I thought I would be relieved once they divorced, when I didn’t have to walk on eggshells at home.
Getting them to talk to me was like pulling teeth, getting them to talk to each other was impossible.
I felt like I was this broken light system trying to guide them through a storm.
I had this moment where I stood in my kitchen that morning and realized how exhausted I was, just emotionally tired.
So fucking tired, so bored, so lonely. And then, I thought of the treehouse and how I felt wrapped up in both of you and I got the urge to call you both. ”
“Why didn’t you,” Hanna said. They were nearing the house now.
“I figured you two had gone out and maybe–well, either way, I closed my eyes and I thought of waking up in the morning with you two, and then I made breakfast.”