Twenty-Four
Leta Pearl
“Sure is nice of you, Miss Leta Pearl,” Dickie Crump said. “To shine up Verlie’s diamond.”
I grinned. “Well, we can’t have the president of the Celestial Ladies Auxiliary walking around with less sparkle than she deserves, now can we?”
Before he left to go to the courthouse, Dickie called from the door, “Pick out anything you want, Verlie . Something elegant.”
Short men who marry tall women are either packing something big in their boxers or something big in their bank accounts.
In Dickie Crump’s case, I think it was the former, because his money was new, and he’d married Verlaine way before he ended up making beaucoup cash with Jerry Don Beaumont as his client.
“How exciting!” I slung my arm around Verlaine and squeezed. “My favorite thing is picking out jewelry!”
But Verlaine sighed and slouched. “I reckon.”
“Girl? What’s wrong with you? Dickie just said to get anything you want.”
“You’d think I’d be happy as a flea on a puppy, wouldn’t you? It’s just ... Dickie’s been working so much; he probably thinks jewelry’s gonna make up for it.”
“Jewelry does make up for it!” I said. “Plus, you just won that election. We should be celebrating.”
Verlaine slumped over the counter—those man-made melons of hers all but spilling out of her sundress as she peered at the tennis bracelets. “Can I tell you something?”
I touched her arm. “Of course, hon. Anything.”
“I only joined the Celestial Ladies because Falconhead is the only place Dickie ever wants to go when he’s in town.
I can’t believe how lifeless our marriage has become .
.. and so quickly ... ever since he took Jerry Don on as a client.
” Verlaine fought off a tear pulling a handkerchief from her purse.
“Oh, look at me. You probably think I’m a pitiful mess. ” She blew her nose.
“Okay. First of all, nobody’s allowed to cry at my jewelry counter. And second, you coming to sit by me at the potluck was clearly the work of the Holy Spirit.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I happen to be an expert at fixing lifeless marriages.”
Verlaine looked at me with tearful, but hopeful, eyes. “Really?”
Well, what was I supposed to do? There I held the very secret to a happy marriage, and I was not the type of person to withhold such blessings.
Oh, Emily would have pitched a double dying duck fit if she knew what I was doing, but I would see to it that she never found out.
So, I told Verlaine all about the love biscuits.
Of course, she didn’t believe me at first (no one ever does), but I asked, “What do you have to lose?” And I knew once Dickie ate one, she’d be convinced.
When Verlaine came into the store the following week, I could tell by the look on her face that she and Dickie had been going at it like two rabbits let out of prison.
“Ooooo, Leta Pearl,” she squealed.
“I told you, didn’t I?”
“Dickie even called me from Dallas this week, and we had phone sex! You know, that’s where you call each other on the telephone, then you talk dirty while you touch yourself ... down there. I learned all about it on Dr. Ruth’s radio show.”
My chin dropped. They had thought of everything these days.
“Dickie drove me absolutely crazy! I was just squealing and moaning when he started telling me exactly what he was going to do with my little—”
“Okay! Okay!” I waved my hands. “I don’t need details, hon.” I did, however, make a note that I might have to give Dub a ring one day while I was at the house, and he was at the store.
Verlaine giggled and set her purse down on the counter. “Oh, I just get so excited,” she said. “And listen to this: Dickie canceled his next two trips. Told Jerry Don to send someone else to Texas. Can you believe that?”
“That’s what I like to hear,” I said. I already had her next batch ready, so I grabbed them from the stock room. I’ve never seen a shoebox full of biscuits light up somebody’s face like kerosene.
“Now, listen honey, one or two biscuits will last a while, so don’t go overboard.”
Verlaine nodded. “What happens if I do?”
“Can’t say for sure, but you can freeze them. They won’t be as good as when they’re fresh, but they’re still delicious; pop ’em in the oven a few minutes and try ’em with some molasses. Or a little cinnamon and sugar.”
“Oh, Leta Pearl, how can I ever repay you?” she finally asked.
Yes, I initially went into it with completely selfish intentions.
Of course, I knew that as the Celestial Ladies Auxiliary president, Verlaine Crump wielded tremendous power.
I, of course, planned to use this to my advantage.
With Verlaine on my side, the Moody-Abernathy Wedding on the Falconhead lawn was as good as done.
There was also a very solid chance I’d get back in the Auxiliary, and I’d definitely have the upper hand if and when that Zale’s came to town.
But those weren’t my only intentions. I had grown to like Verlaine and I wanted to see her with a husband who loved her like a stallion; every girl deserves that. There is nothing whatsoever wrong with a win-win.
“Oh, Verlaine, don’t be silly,” I said. “You don’t owe me anything. But why don’t you just come over for some coffee this weekend and we can visit?”
See? Just coffee between friends. What was the harm in that?