16. Sienna #2
"Will you teach me to dive? Mama says I'm too little, but I'm not too little,” Adam insists, and I bite back a laugh. It’s so like a child to try to leverage anyone else to get what they want, even if that person is a ‘scary man’. Clearly Adam must not find him that scary, which I’m glad of.
Whatever is going on between Damian and me, I don’t want my son afraid of the man protecting us.
I expect Damian to make an excuse and leave. Instead, he squats down on the edge of the pool next to where Adam is. "Show me what you can do first."
And then, for the next hour, I watch my brutal, terrifying husband patiently work with my son.
He doesn't get in the water, but he kneels at the edge, showing Adam how to position his hands, how to tuck his chin.
When Adam manages a clumsy but successful dive, Damian's face breaks into something that might actually be a smile.
"Did you see, Mama? Did you see me dive?" Adam calls out, his face glowing with pride.
My chest tightens. I rarely miss having a partner to raise Adam with me. I’ve never had one—I’ve always been a single mother—so I don’t really know what I’m missing. But I feel like I just saw a taste of it, and suddenly there’s an ache in my chest that I’ve never had before.
"I saw, baby. That was amazing."
When I look back at Damian, the softness is gone. He's staring at me with an expression I can't read, something dark and conflicted. Then he's standing, grabbing his jacket.
"I have to go," he says abruptly.
"Damian, wait?— "
But he's already walking away, leaving me staring after him. Adam is chattering away about how cool Damian is and how much he likes his new dad, and I can’t bring myself to explain to Adam that Damian isn’t going to be a dad to him, not like that.
All I can think, as I watch my husband retreat, is that this was a mistake .
But how could it be, when the alternative was so unthinkable.
That night, I can't sleep. I keep thinking about the way Damian looked at Adam, the careful patience in his voice. This is the same man who keeps me at arm’s length, who clearly thinks he has no place being around a mother and her child, who pushes us away at every opportunity.
But I saw something different today. And I don’t know why, or how, Adam managed to break through to Damian in that moment.
I’m just afraid that mine isn’t the only heart that’s going to hurt when this is all over.
I toss and turn until I finally throw the covers back, my mouth dry, wishing I’d brought up a pitcher of water and a glass before bed.
I grab a robe that will cover me sufficiently in case Damian sees me, and I pad down the hall to the stairs.
I’m halfway to the kitchen when I hear voices coming from another room—Konstantin and Damian’s—and I freeze.
I know I should keep going, that I shouldn’t listen in to conversations that likely have nothing to do with me, but I can’t help myself, or my curiosity.
"—dealt with the traitor," Konstantin is saying. "And the security team has been questioned thoroughly. There shouldn’t be another infiltration of the estate."
"Good." Damian's voice, rough and tired. "What about the Russos?"
"Still hunting them down. But Sienna is safe here, for now. I’ll let you know when the next batch of intelligence comes in. Until then, we’ll keep picking at those who might have more information. I’ll send you out tomorrow night, there are a couple of old contacts who might know more. "
There's a pause, and then Konstantin speaks again. "You know, I never thought I'd see you teaching a kid to dive."
Damian’s voice tightens, a grumble in his words. “How’d you see that?”
“Valentina and I were taking a walk.”
"It was nothing."
"Was it? Because Valentina thinks?—"
"I don't care what Valentina thinks." Damian's voice is sharp now. "The marriage is temporary. Once this is over, I'll file for divorce."
I know that already, but the way he says it, after everything—it feels like a blow. It hurts more than it should, especially since he’s already told me his plans. It’s not as if I want to stay, but… I press my hand to my mouth to keep from making a sound.
“Careful how you talk about my wife, brother,” Konstantin says, his voice taking on an edge, though there’s some humor in it. "Is that what you want?"
Another long pause. "It's what's best for her."
"And what about what she wants?"
"She doesn't know what she wants. She's twenty-two, Konstantin. She's been through trauma. She thinks she wants me because I saved her, but that's not real."
"You sure about that?"
"I'm sure that she deserves better than a man like me."
I can’t listen to any more of the conversation.
Water forgotten, I pivot quickly and head back upstairs, my chest aching and my eyes burning.
He thinks I’m no better than a child. A little girl who doesn’t know her own mind.
It hurts, especially considering all I’ve been through.
Considering that I’m a mother myself. I thought Damian respected me more, but looking back through that lens, it makes sense.
He keeps pushing me away because he thinks I don’t know better.
That he has to protect me from myself, as well as everyone else.
The next morning, I’m watching Adam play in the garden, fighting back tears and failing as I remember the conversation. I don’t even hear Valentina walking up until she sits down on the stone bench next to me, and I see her out of the corner of my eye .
She looks at me, sympathy filling her gaze. “Oh, honey,” she says softly. “Are you alright?”
I know I should nod and say yes, that it’s nothing, that it’s something personal, but instead the words spill out.
“I overheard Konstantin and Damian talking last night,” I confess.
“I went down for water, and I couldn’t help it.
Damian was repeating that we’re going to get a divorce when this is over, that even if I did want him, I don’t know any better.
That anything I feel for him is just because he saved me. ”
Valentina raises an eyebrow. “Has he still not slept with you?”
I swallow hard, feeling my cheeks flush.
“Not… all the way. We’ve done… some things.
But every time, he tells me that I’ve teased him into it, that it can’t happen again.
That that’s not what this marriage is about.
He keeps pulling away after, every time.
And this last time was the worst. Until yesterday, he hadn’t spoken to me in days. ”
"Men are idiots," Valentina says matter-of-factly, shrugging. "Especially men like our husbands. They think they're protecting us by making decisions for us. Konstantin doesn’t get away with it most of the time because he knows I won’t stand for it. But sometimes he still wins. Like sidelining me while I’m pregnant.
" Her mouth turns down in obvious annoyance.
I bite my lip, looking at her. She’s elegant and gorgeous, but I can see the steel in her. She’s someone who is not to be trifled with, that’s for certain. But me?—
I’m just a former stripper. A single mother. I’m not tough or brave or anything, but someone who keeps pushing through because I have no other choice. I’m not like her. And maybe Damian sees that, and…
"But what if he's right? What if I am just confused?"
Valentina gives me a look that's both kind and exasperated. "Sienna, do you think you're confused?"
"No," I say immediately, without thinking about it. "I know how I feel."
Valentina nods. “And how do you feel?”
“I—” I swallow hard. “I’m grateful for what he’s done. I care about him. And I want him, even if it is temporary. I want to be able to be his wife while I am… in all the ways.”
"Then that's your answer. The question is, what are you going to do about it?"
I open my mouth to answer, but before I can, I see Damian moving down the pathway, headed for us. He’s wearing chinos and a button-down with the sleeves rolled up, and I can’t help the way my pulse thuds in my throat as I see him walking toward us.
“Sienna.” He pauses, glancing at Valentina. “We need to talk.”
My throat tightens. Did I do something wrong? Does he know I overheard? “About what?”
He lets out a sharp breath. “Valentina said you’ve still been having nightmares.”
I blink at him, realizing all at once what that statement means—that he’s talked to Valentina about me, that to some extent, he’s worried about me.
“I—sometimes,” I admit, glancing over to where Adam is playing to make sure that he’s out of earshot. “All the violence, since the night in the warehouse—” I bite my lip. “And then the attack… it’s just a lot. It’s not… I’m not used to it.”
“It’s part of the life,” Damian says flatly. “But you’re safe here, and?—”
“I think you should see a doctor,” Valentina cuts in gently, giving Damian a pointed look that seems to say be kinder.
“I know nightmares can be difficult. But you are safe here. Until your nervous system can catch up with that knowledge, it might be worthwhile to have a little help, so you can be well-rested. The less sleep you get, the worse the nightmares will get.”
I bite my lip. “What if Adam cries in the night and I can’t hear him?”
“It’s a sleeping pill, not anesthesia,” Damian growls, and Valentina gives him another look before glancing back at me.
“Something like that will still wake you up,” she reassures me. “Or if there were to be more trouble?—”
“There won’t be any more trouble here,” Damian interjects, his voice sharp. “The traitor was dealt with. There will be no more attacks on the estate?—”
“What did you do?” I look at Damian, feeling my heart trip behind my ribs. I don’t know if I want to know… but a part of me feels like I need to. Like I need to hear it, so I can be reminded of what kind of man I’ve married. Of what kind of man I want .