THIRTY TWO
L ately, I've been feeling under the weather and I honestly didn't know why. Aside from that, my period was late by a few days and that's never, ever happened to me before.
I was extremely concerned and irritated. I definitely didn't want to have this conversation with Nicolas, but I knew he could sense the drastic change in my mood.
He looked at me with a concerned expression. We were sprawled out on the couch, my legs tangled with his. "You're awfully quiet tonight. Everything okay?"
I nodded, clutching my robe and tightening it around my body. "I'm fine." I smiled, but it didn't quite reach my eyes.
"If you're going to lie, you should at least try to make it more believable," he said dryly, removing my legs from his and sitting up straight.
"I'm not lying, Nicolas. I said I'm fine. What about those two words indicated that I'm lying?" I mimicked his actions.
"Do you think I was born yesterday?" He glared at me. "I've noticed the drastic change in your demeanour, and as per usual, you're not talking to me about how you're feeling. Just like you don't tell me anything about yourself unless I ask," he spat.
"You're not an open book, yourself. It's not like you've shared every little detail about yourself." This was highly unlike me, I was clearly extremely agitated.
He narrowed his eyes at me. "Please don't tell me this is what the sudden change in your mood is about," he scoffed. "If you want to know more about me, all you have to do is ask. There's no need for this fucking attitude."
"No, that's not the damn reason," I bit back.
He froze, blinking slowly while he stared at me. "So there is a reason," he stated, shaking his head. "Yet you still had the audacity to tell me you're fine."
"It's nothing important, hence the reason I haven't said anything." I clasped my necklace.
His eyes flickered to my fingers that were holding onto the necklace. "If it's not important, like you're claiming, then it wouldn't affect you this badly. That's besides the point, though, I want you to talk to me. Even if you think it's irrelevant, it matters to me."
His confession made my chest swell with an unusual emotion. I didn't know how to respond or how to react. I wasn't used to this. I wasn't used to affection or someone openly admitting that they cared about me.
Minutes passed by and I still couldn't conjure up a response. Nicolas stood up abruptly, looking down at me with sheer anger in his eyes.
"Fuck’s sake, Gabriella." His voice boomed. "Why do you keep pushing me away? Every opportunity you get, you're always fighting me. Every twist, every turn. Why?"
There was a crack in his voice that made my bottom lip tremble as I fought back the tears about to well in my eyes. Was I pushing him away? Or was I just subconsciously trying to protect myself from getting hurt?
The air crackled with tension and unsaid words. The noise of the television sounded so far in the distance and my heart felt like it was beating irregularly fast.
It was either now or never.
"You were right," I murmured. "There is something I'm afraid of," I admitted. "I'm not pushing you away, I'd never do that, but I'm scared," I muttered angrily, sighing loudly before getting up and walking towards my bedroom.
"Scared of what? Of me?" He was right behind me, hot on my heels. "Can you stop walking away from me? I'm trying to have a conversation with you, damn it."
With that, I came to a halt, turning around so fast it nearly gave me whiplash. My sudden movement caused Nicolas to stop as well—a look of shock covered his face, as if he weren't expecting me to turn around so quickly. But it disappeared soon after and he masked his emotions with that stoic facial expression again.
"I'm scared of the person I am when I'm with you. I'm too vulnerable, weak, fragile." I raised my voice slightly, meeting his stare.
He frowned, stepping closer until he was mere inches away from me. "How do you think I feel when I'm with you?" he asked, and when I didn't say anything, he grabbed a hold of my hand. "Tell me, how do you think I feel when I'm with you?" he repeated.
"I don't know," I said softly.
"You don't know?" He pulled me closer. "You're my weakness and someone has already managed to take advantage of that. I'm constantly thinking about you, worried about you. My dreams consist of you, Gabriella."
His chest rose and fell, his grip on my hand tightening slightly. "You plague my every thought, you're the blood flowing through my veins, you're every breath I take. Do you understand that?"
I shook my head, trying to reign in the rush of intense emotions I felt. "If anything were to happen to you, I don't know what I'd do. I've been worried about your well-being and safety ever since I saw those pictures. I can't sleep at night knowing that you're not right next to me where I can always protect you. I didn't want to be overbearing, I didn't want my obsession to spiral out of control, but I'm afraid it's too late for that."
"Nicolas, I—" There were actually so many words I wanted to share with him, so many thoughts, but my brain couldn't comprehend logic at this moment in time.
He held my face in his palms. "You asked me if I've ever been in love before and I wasn't truthful about my answer."
I frowned. "What do you mean?"
"I've been in love, once ."
"How did you know?" I asked softly, not ready for his answer because I didn't want to hear about his past experiences. However my curiosity got the better of me. "…that you were in love?"
"I knew from the moment I met you."
My entire being felt like it was on fire, every atom sparked by an electrical force caused by his confession. It was powerful, all-consuming, and quite frankly, made my entire body weak.
"I'm madly in love with you. I knew because my days no longer felt dark. How could it be dark when your smile lit up the deepest, darkest parts of me? I knew because I realised that I'd kill for you, I'd burn for you, I'd destroy for you. I knew the moment I stopped living just for myself, I knew because I started living for you ."
My lips parted slightly. Nicolas swiped his thumb across my bottom lip, making my entire body tremble. His dark grey eyes bore into mine. "Now do you understand?" he asked with a deep frown set on his face. "Do you understand how far gone I am?"
"Yes," I said breathlessly. "I've been hurt before by past relationships, my mother, friends. So I've only been trying to protect myself, trying to guard my heart. I certainly didn't know what to make of the emotions I felt for you, but if I'm being honest with you and myself. I'm in love with you, too." I held the back of his neck.
"I’m deeply in love with you, Nicolas. I've always been concerned about your well-being, too. Especially after seeing the bullet wounds on your body. I don't want anything to happen to you. I don't know what I'd do without you. You're the first man I've ever been open to about my life and I want you to be the last. So you have to believe when I tell you that I wouldn't push you away."
"I believe you," he said, grabbing a fistful of hair and tugging my head back. The action was gentle, but his grip was firm. "So you'll tell me how you're feeling? Even if you think it's not important, right?" When I didn't answer immediately, he gripped my jaw harshly. "I didn't hear an answer from you."
I nodded, holding onto him tightly. "Of course." Though there was one important piece of information that I was yet to share with him. How did I tell him that my period still hadn't arrived? I didn't know if it were the appropriate time to take a pregnancy test, but I knew that it was mandatory.
"I care about you more than you'd ever realise and I want to make sure you're always in good health. Mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually," he murmured.
This man was definitely sent from the heavens above. "You're too perfect. Are you sure you're real?" I questioned, making him chuckle softly.
"I'm real. Liam's charred car is proof of that." I dug my nails into his biceps, making him wince. "Feisty," he said, moving his face closer to mine. "That aggressive behaviour and the memories of me breaking that man's jaw because he touched you is actually turning me on."
"You broke his what ?" I asked incredulously. "Please tell me that's a joke," I practically pleaded with him, but the dead look in his eyes was enough proof that in fact was not a joke.
"I told you, you're so innocent." He laughed softly. "I've dealt with all of the men who's gotten too close to you," he said nonchalantly, like it were just another normal conversation.
"Men?" I blinked rapidly. "What do you mean by men ? That's plural."
"The waiter at that restaurant, the man that got too close to you in the club, Liam."
I had completely forgotten about those incidents so this revelation made my eyes widen. "What did you do?"
He looked at me with a bored expression. "If you're trying to determine whether they're alive or not, I'll put your mind at ease. They are," he answered before adding, "barely."
He didn't give me the opportunity to answer. "But I'd rather not have a conversation about other men, mikrí petaloúda . You know how easily that riles me up and not in a good way," he said darkly, his tone indicating the seriousness of his words.
"My apologies." I held my hands up in mock surrender, despite the fact that my mind was currently working overtime. He said they're alive, but barely. That could mean a plethora of things. Were they in hospital? Perhaps in their homes on the verge of death? Were they laying in the streets of New York with no recollection of how they got there?
"You're lucky I'm in a good mood, otherwise I would've had you bent over this couch by now. "
"How did you go from a love confession to confessing your…violent side quests to pure filth? You're a different breed, that's for sure." He laughed, holding me close to him.
"I'd like to breed you."
"See, that's exactly what I'm talking about. Absolutely filthy." His smile could instantly make me melt. He leaned in, kissing me softly. Nicolas was definitely one of a kind.