38. Thalia
Chapter thirty-eight
Thalia
Two Days Later
Atlas and Alana haven’t left my side since everything concluded.
My best friend holds my hand tightly, her eyes softening every time she looks at me.
My brother stays glued to my side, his arms crossed over his chest as he talks with Logan and Ford about the clean-up detail that’s been sweeping through the woods for the last two days.
Rowan offered an olive branch to those who were a part of the Western branch—if they pledged their loyalty to the Midwestern branch, they could stay. If not, then they were executed. Most chose the latter, of course, but the few who didn’t have been helping out with the cleanup efforts.
But everything is a distant hum to me. This is all over. We’ve fought in a literal war, yet I can’t stop thinking about him.
Every time I close my eyes, all I see is Reed. The tears won’t stop and I can’t even pull myself together long enough to listen to what’s being said around me. It’s too much…
Alana squeezes my hand, shunting me back to the present as she steps away. “I have something I need to do. Are you okay to hang out here with Atlas?”
I nod numbly as she slips through the crowd and snatches Connor by his collar before dragging him to the sidelines. They talk quietly and quickly, Connor’s eyes flickering to me before he nods at his wife’s request, and they disappear.
I don’t have the energy to even wonder…
Atlas checks his phone. “What time are you picking Morgan and Addison up from the train station tomorrow?”
Ford clears his throat. “They booked the first trip. Rowan’s request.”
Logan snorts. “That’s his way of saying we’ll be up at five in the morning to get them.”
My brother chuckles. “Same here.”
At least there’s one thing to look forward to. Little Sophia.
“Can I come with you?” I ask quietly.
Atlas softens. “Of course.”
Everything begins to wrap up as we take note of the wounded. We lost a few assassins, but nothing compared to the Western branch’s numbers. Almost all of Brooks’s followers are gone, and that’s the only thing that gives me a moment of reprieve.
My family is safe. Reed is safe.
No matter how heartbroken I am, knowing that he isn’t a target anymore makes me let go of some of the anger and frustration.
It’s weird.
I never knew that loving someone so deeply could feel like this—that I would forget all about being selfish for his sake.
That I would throw my hopes and dreams of a future we shared right out the window if it meant keeping him safe.
This must be what unconditional love feels like.
It’s raw and painful, but it’s so pure and beautiful.
It’s knowing you would do anything for the person you adore because, in the end, life is nothing if they aren’t here.
I would rather Reed stay alive than risk the possibility of losing him every day. It cuts deep, so deep that I could fall to my fucking knees and never get up, but I’ll always cherish the memories. I know I’ll never have something like that ever again.
Because Reed was it for me. And I’m coming to terms with that.
“Ready to go?” Atlas asks, extending a hand out to me as I sniffle.
“Yeah,” I whisper.
We leave the grounds together, and I rest my head against the car’s window as we begin our trip home. I close my eyes, mourning the man I love until the end of time.
My chest cracks open, that wound refreshing as I bite back another desperate sob. I don’t know how I’ll ever heal from this.
I didn’t stay alone last night. Atlas couldn’t sleep in the empty home he had made with his wife and daughter, and I couldn’t sleep in my house at all. I stood on the steps, staring at the lifelessness as if it was haunting me in real time.
I couldn’t move.
I couldn’t bring myself to exist in the same space Reed once did without it destroying me.
Until a hand rested on my shoulder.
“Come keep me company,” Atlas offered softly. “I don’t like sleeping alone when Loxley and Sophia aren’t here.”
I tucked my head, nodding as I hid my tears from him. I didn’t sleep, and I definitely didn’t stop thinking about Reed all night.
It was like I blinked and ended up at the train station, life continuing around me as if I was insignificant. As the cars pull in front, Atlas is vibrating at my side to see his wife and daughter again.
Rowan, Ford, and Logan are all antsy, talking quietly as they wait for departure. As it pulls to a stop, my head whips up in hope. It’s a silly one…
That maybe Reed would have found out about my plan ahead of time and booked the next trip back. That maybe, just maybe, he’ll be exiting first in a flurry to find me among the crowd.
But that doesn’t happen. Because I blocked his number before the fight started. I made it seem like we never existed.
Addison is the first to rush off, her luggage forgotten as she tosses herself into Rowan’s arms with a giggle. He catches her before slamming his lips to hers in a heated kiss.
“I missed you, Row Row,” she says breathlessly.
“I missed you too, Sunshine.”
Her mom, Morgan, follows. She smirks at Ford before offering him a small kiss on his cheek. To which he responds by tucking his hand into her hair and capturing her mouth.
“Oh!” Morgan exclaims before melting into him, her arms wrapping around his neck. Logan gags, silently pleading with Addison to save him.
“Remember,” Rowan points at his brother-in-law, “don’t trust weight-bearing surfaces. For Christmas, I can get you a really nice pair of soundproof headphones.”
Logan sucks his teeth before flipping him off. “Fuck you.”
Loxley is next, Sophia wrapped in her arms as she snoozes. Atlas takes her luggage, stealing a kiss as I hold my hands out.
“May I?” I ask. “I already put on hand sanitizer.”
Lox smiles before handing the bundle over to me. “She may be a little fussy. I think she has colic.”
Atlas brushes a finger over one chubby cheek, cooing. “Hey, daddy’s girl. Have you been giving Mommy a hard time?”
As if responding, Sophia’s little fist shoots up, waving around as she grunts.
My brother grins, his eyes soft with affection. “That’s my girl.”
Lox slips an arm around Atlas’s waist, melting into his side as they talk quietly. Their voices fade into the background. All I can focus on is the tiny girl in my arms. I stare down at my niece, and fresh tears sting my eyes for what feels like the hundredth time today.
She’s perfect.
I sway gently, holding her close as she nestles against my chest. Her tiny mouth opens in a sleepy yawn, and my heart squeezes so hard it almost hurts.
“I missed you,” I whisper, my voice trembling.
The words feel too small for everything I mean. I press a kiss to the top of her head and breathe in that sweet baby scent, trying to hold myself together.
“Aunt Thalia has done something really stupid,” I confess softly. “So you can’t judge me, okay?”
A tiny sound escapes her, and her deep brown eyes blink open. For one precious second, it feels like she’s looking right at me—like she’s listening.
A watery laugh catches in my throat, and I brush a dark curl away from her forehead.
My smile breaks beneath the weight of my tears.
“I think I ruined everything with Uncle Reed.” The admission shatters something inside me.
My voice cracks, and I have to swallow around the ache lodged in my throat.
“He was so happy about you. So excited to meet you.” I blink rapidly, but the tears spill over, anyway.
“And I messed it all up. I hurt him. I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me, and I don’t know how to fix it. ”
The words leave me in ragged breaths. For a moment, all I can do is hold her tighter, as if she can somehow keep me from falling apart. Then a tiny fist stretches toward me.
My chest tightens.
I slip my finger into her hand, and her impossibly small fingers curl around it with surprising determination. A broken laugh escapes me as fresh tears slide down my cheeks.
“Thanks,” I whisper.
She doesn’t understand a word I’m saying. She’s too little to know about heartbreak or regret or all the ways people can break the things they love. But somehow, in this moment, her tiny hand wrapped around my finger makes the pain feel a little less unbearable.
No, nothing is okay.
Not really.
But as I hold her close and feel her grip tighten around mine, I realize that maybe it’s okay for things not to be okay right now.
And for the first time all day, that thought doesn’t feel quite so impossible.