ANNA
The gentle scrape of his beard; the soft, quiet words whispered into my ear; a kiss at my temple; and the waft of a freshly ground coffee stir me from sleep. “Wake up, meu bem.”
My bleary eyes flutter open, and I’m treated to Sylas’s large figure. The room is barely lit, the bulbs illuminating the room just enough that I can make out where he’s sitting on the edge of the bed, holding a mug and plate.
I reach for my glasses on the nightstand as I sit up, but he picks them up before I do and hands them to me.
“Morning.” His smile is the first thing I notice. It’s a devastating crooked grin curled on his face. The flutters, even after a year of dating, burst in my stomach. They go wild as always, and I’ve come to the conclusion that they’ll never die.
“Morning.” I return the smile, albeit mine is a sleepier version.
I used to not wake up early unless it was necessary, but since I started dating Sylas, things have changed.
When he was still at KYU, I’d sleep over at his place, but that meant I’d be awakened by his alarm whenever he had to get up early for practice.
At first, I’d go back to sleep, but then I decided to stay awake to spend the extra minutes with him as it became harder finding the time to be together.
It wasn’t intentional, but one day we both woke up earlier than usual, and we drew the curtains back a little to let the sunlight peek through while we talked.
Eventually it became our thing, talking until we couldn’t lie in bed anymore. Bagels and coffee were introduced when he heard my stomach grumble one morning. I told him I’d be fine with coffee, but he was vehemently against that, claiming it wasn’t okay to drink coffee on an empty stomach.
So now we have those two things. It’s nothing extravagant, just jam or cream cheese. We’ve actually tried many different flavors, but the ones we enjoy the most are fig and guava.
Leaning forward, I give him a chaste kiss on the cheek and jump off the bed before he can grab me.
“Come back,” he whines, smacking my butt softly.
“I need to brush my teeth first.” I yawn, grabbing his T-shirt from where it’s haphazardly hanging from his dresser and tugging it over my head. “I hope you know you’re not getting this back.”
I really don’t need it. I have many of his shirts in my apartment, but I like how this one feels and how it smells like him.
“Good, it looks so much better on you anyway.” I don’t see it, but I feel his eyes roam over my body.
I grin, bending down to pick up the forgotten condom foil from last night. It doesn’t take me long to do what I need to do and settle in the bed next to him.
The curtains are open, giving us a small glimpse of outside. It’s still dark out, the sun slowly making its way to our corner of the world. Like usual, we drink our coffees, share our bagels, and talk about everything and anything until the rays make themselves known.
Hair and hands on my face stir me awake. I rub the sleep away; still, my vision is blurry, but I know who’s all over me.
“Mama, quiero ir bano.” Rosie sits on my chest, her face mere inches from mine, hands cupping my cheeks.
Sometimes she sleeps in her crib. Last night, she wanted to lie with me.
I stretch my limbs, reaching for my glasses. I put them on and smile at my little one.
I want nothing more than to just roll around in bed.
I can’t remember the last time I actually did just that, but I know those days are over.
Maybe once she’s in college. Or—I almost forgot—when she’s spending the night at Sylas’s home.
We haven’t talked about how we’ll co-parent, but I imagine eventually he’ll want her to spend the night.
It’s still too soon, but one day it’ll happen.
My chest grows heavy at the thought, but I shove the feeling away.
I’ll be going over to his condo to talk through the details because we didn’t get to when he came over a week ago. He spent most of his time playing with Rosie until she had to go down for bed. He wanted to help, but I had to draw the line at letting him in my bedroom.
I already felt overwhelmed having him in my home; I couldn’t let him in my room. It was too much, and my home isn’t too big. It’s actually no different than the apartment Jenny and I shared in New York.
I chuckle dryly because I realize not much has changed. Besides us having a baby together, I’m still very broke, and he’s still very rich.
“Muy bien, Rosie. Vamos al bano.”
During the day she doesn’t wear diapers, but at night she has to wear a Pull-Up. We’re still working on it, and I think we’re almost at a point when she won’t need them.
After I’ve taken her to the bathroom and we’ve brushed our teeth, we get ready for the day.
Maya is up and has already made breakfast for the three of us.
I keep telling her she doesn’t need to do that, but she insists it’s the least she can do.
Not sure it balances out making her sleep on my not-so-comfortable couch, or having to share a single bathroom, or watching a toddler, but what do I know.
“Rosie, no juegues con la comida,” I warn her, taking the strawberries she’s trying to sneak into her pocket.
“You know what’s so good about being an aunt?” Maya drops on the chair next to her, taking one of her grubby red-stained hands and using a wet paper towel to clean it off.
I set them on her plate and pick up my fork. “What?”
“That I get to play with Rosie for a few hours and do all the fun stuff, and at the end of the day, she goes back to you.” She softly pinches her cheek, smiling at my daughter.
“I would lose my absolute mind if I had a child.” Her face scrunches, her gaze far away.
Her lips twist, and she shudders. “Yeah, no thanks. I wasn’t made to have kids, but I was definitely made to be an aunt.
” She takes Rosie’s other hand and wipes it clean.
“Enjoy her toddler years because she’ll be your only niece.” I stuff a pile of scrambled eggs into my mouth.
“You’re really done having kids?” Her eyes flick to Rosie and back to me. Her tone isn’t judging, just curious.
“I didn’t mean to start.” I immediately regret saying that. “I mean, Rosie wasn’t in the plans, she just happened. Don’t get me wrong, I love her and—”
“It’s okay.” Maya interrupts me, her expression softening into what looks like sympathy, I think. “I know you love her, but you’re human.”
I exhale a sharp breath and pick up my steaming mug of coffee, taking a small sip.
“I’ve always wanted kids, dreamed of having them with Sylas.
” I glance at Rosie. She attempts to pocket a piece of bread, but she realizes I’m watching her, so she stuffs it in her mouth.
That dulls the heaviness in my chest and I smile.
“But that was maybe after we were thirty and had our lives together. After we had years of experience in our jobs and traveled the world. We didn’t have a set time, but we said we’d do it together. All of it.”
She chews and swallows. “You know Sylas isn’t the only man in the world. Yes, he’s attractive—I get what you saw in him—but there are many hotter, better men out there. You can move on.”
The steam fogging up my glasses makes me realize just how close I’ve had the cup to my face. Setting it down, I try and fail to speak my mind. I smile, finding it’s always easier to do that than to be sad. I don’t have time for pity or for tears.
“It’s not that I can’t move on.” I’m certain he has.
“But…but…” Flashbacks of all the times I cried and felt alone hover like an angry black cloud.
I look at my plate, feeling pathetic. I can’t say this while looking her in the eye.
“I know everyone goes through it. I know it’s not the end of the world.
I know there are many sayings about ‘you live and you learn,’ but I don’t want to experience that heartbreak again.
It’s stupid, I know, and I know you’ve experienced—sorry, forget I said anything. ”
“Yeah, I got cheated on and it hurt, but I didn’t love him.”
Her admittance stuns me. “What? But you were going to marry him.”
She lifts a shoulder. “I thought I loved him, but I realized I loved the idea of making Mom happy. She loved him for me and…anyway, leaving him was the best thing I could have ever done. I didn’t experience what you did because it’s different—you love Sylas.”
Loved. I should correct her, but I can’t bring myself to.
I want to ask her what happened with Mom, but that would entail answering her questions in return. I guess maybe it’s time we talked.
“Dealing with Sylas’s parents when I wanted him to know about the pregnancy was…difficult.” I trap my bottom lip between my teeth as it quivers. “No one has ever made me feel so insignificant, so small. I’ve never been more humiliated in my life.”
“What did they do?” Her voice is even, but I hear the anger brimming behind the calmness.
I give a bitter smile, meeting her stare. Shame swallows me whole, but I continue. “When Mom cut me off junior year after I told her I didn’t want to go to law school, I was struggling with money. Then rent went up and I was desperate.”
She doesn’t interrupt me, but I hear the what did you do question.
I chuckle, shaking my head. “At first, it was innocent. Sylas was part of this auction at KYU and he wanted me to bid on him. Then he lied to his parents and told them we were dating because they were pressuring him to date someone else.”
Saying “someone” is an understatement. Florence is a well-known actress, and despite everyone believing she’s a bitch, she’s not. For whatever reason she puts up this mean girl act. She plays it well, but I’ve seen past the facade.
“I went along with it because I knew all about being pressured. It was meant to be a one and done, but then his parents wanted to see us more because they didn’t buy it.
I played into it after he said he would pay me to fake date him.
” I pause, remembering the night that changed the trajectory of my life.
“It should’ve been just that, but then we decided to have fun with it.
” I drag my fingers through my hair, anticipating her judgment.
“Fun with it?”
My face burns. “I had sex with Sylas in exchange for money—when he wanted, however he wanted.”
She jerks back, staring at me incredulously. Her mouth falls open, but no words come out.
I understand how it sounds, but it was foreplay. We had so much fun, and the sex was always hot.
“Stop looking at me like that.” I tilt my neck side to side, trying to relieve the pressure.
“It was my choice, and we agreed to keep it between us. Well, it was supposed to be between us. I don’t know if he told his parents or if they found out on their own, but they made sure to remind me he had all that money because of them.
” I drop my gaze, setting my fork down, my appetite gone.
“They demanded I give them everything back and pay whatever I had used. And I did.”
And I was so broke after.
“I know this will sound dramatic, but despite everything they put me through, nothing hurt me more than when Sylas broke up with me.” I shut my eyes briefly, hating that even after all these years, the heavy ache in my chest has never left.
I lay my palm flat where my heart lies, wishing I could eviscerate the pain.
“When I was with him, he made me feel enough for him. Like it didn’t matter that I didn’t grow up with the kind of money he had or that I didn’t fit in his social circle.
But it was a lie. I was never enough, not for him.
Knowing he preferred to end things than to talk to me…
That didn’t only hurt, it destroyed me. Pain is inevitable, I know, but that’s one feeling I never want to experience again.
And because it’s preventable, I’m staying away from it.
I don’t ever want to be in another relationship or have any more kids.
I’m happy with Rosie and the life I have alone.
” I push my chair back, standing. “I should go get ready.”
I need to move, but I can’t do anything but stare at the concierge.
I’m inside Sylas’s building. All I need to do is give the man my name and he’ll escort me to the elevator that leads straight to his penthouse.
Sylas told me he’d already given them my name, so they’re aware I’m coming.
But I’m stuck, frozen by the bright red flags waving in my head.
He also told me to let him know when I arrived, but I’m not going to do that.
The last time I was in a position like this, it was in Colorado. I had just arrived from France after finding out I was pregnant.
“I just need to talk to him,” I demand. I need to hear him say it. I need to hear him tell me he wants nothing to do with this baby.
“If you don’t leave the premises, I’ll have him escort you out.
” Clara peers around me, and when I look over my shoulder, I see the security guard.
He’s staring at me, body language charged like he’s ready to force me out; all he needs is her say so.
“Either way, Sylas already took your name off the list. He doesn’t want you here.
Leave, Anna. You’re embarrassing yourself. ”
“Can I help you?” The man at the desk smiles politely at me.
I force one foot to lift followed by the other until I’m standing across from him. “Hi, yes, I’m here to see Sylas. My name is Anna Lopez.”
“Can I see your ID?” Tobias, his name tag reads.
I hand it to him, already having it ready. He scans it, taps away on his computer, and returns it.
“Wonderful, you’re all set. You can follow me.” Tobias rounds his desk and escorts me over to the private elevator. He flashes me another kind smile as I enter and stays even as the door closes.
As it ascends, I can’t help but wonder if I’m making a mistake. I know I’m doing the right thing for Rosie, but I’m nervous.
Sylas broke my heart and it fucking sucked. But if he breaks Rosie’s, I don’t know how I’ll live with myself for allowing him into her life.
“It’ll be okay,” I chant under my breath once I’m at the top floor. But when the doors slide open, the chant I’ve done well at repeating disappears as Sylas stands opposite me.
“Hey, Anna.” He smiles, dimples on display and his posh British accent softer somehow in the narrow hallway.
You’re here for Rosie, I repeat in my head.