Chapter 35 Lucy #2
“Can we talk?” I ask. He doesn’t say anything, just waits for me to continue.
“I…” I start but don’t really know where to begin or what I’m doing.
I wasn’t expecting to see him tonight…maybe ever again.
I just look into his eyes—his dark, soulful eyes and the solemn look on his face.
I grip the paper in my pocket and think about what I wrote.
“I think we’ve been on nine dates,” I finally say.
Marsh frowns, the groove between his brows deep. “What?”
“Gold Line…” I start. “Sushi, boxing, Koreatown, The Peppermint Club, the pier, Sadie’s birthday, San Francisco, Audrey’s…”
He looks at me, flummoxed.
“I think I’m missing one.” I swallow.
“The open house,” is all he says.
“Okay, ten,” I say and then let out a sigh of disbelief. “Wow, ten. I’m sure there are others too. The night we went to get tacos, but I don’t know if that counts as a date—”
“Lucy,” Marsh says, “what are you doing?”
“I’ve never been on more than three dates,” I say. “I don’t keep count or anything, but when I was thinking of everyone I’ve ever been with, I just don’t want to see them after date three. I mean, technically there’s Chris, but we were never going on dates. We were just—”
“Lucy…” Marsh says, and I focus, getting back to my point.
“Then one day, I see this guy looking at records…” I continue.
“I think it’ll be easy to spend time with him.
I can be in a fake relationship with him because it’s not real.
That’s what I tell myself every single day.
When he texts me in the middle of a work meeting and I blush.
When I look at him from the passenger side of his car and enjoy the view a little too much.
When I wake up in his arms and pretend to be asleep so I can lie with him for a few more minutes.
I tell myself that everything I feel isn’t real, because the relationship isn’t real. ”
I wait for Marsh to say something, but he just stares at me. A look of hurt on his face.
“I thought I didn’t want a relationship because of my parents.
I told myself that love wasn’t real because I’ve never felt that way about anyone before.
I believed that things wouldn’t work out because I’ve seen too many heartbreaks,” I say and my voice trembles.
“Then one day I look at this guy I’m pretending to date and nothing about it feels pretend anymore.
I don’t know how to pretend. I tell him I’m falling in love with him and instead of jumping into his arms, I run.
I run because I’m scared. I run so far away that I just want to go back to my old routine of being with someone different every week.
” I let out a pathetic laugh and the muscles in Marsh’s jaw leap.
“But I can’t,” I say, shaking my head. “All I can think about is that guy who called me out in the middle of a wedding. The guy who makes me feel like no matter how messy I am, that’s okay. Because he doesn’t want someone who’s perfect, he just wants me. He makes me feel like I am perfect.”
Marsh looks down and I want so desperately to go to him, but I force myself to continue.
“So, for the next few weeks I think about this guy every day, and when I’m sad I want to cry on his shoulder, and when I’m happy I want to celebrate with him, and late at night I want his body on top of mine.
And it hurts. It hurts so fucking much because I’ve never felt this way before.
And I’ve been so adamant on believing that love isn’t worth it.
” I sigh. “I just didn’t know what love was.
Love is seeing someone go out of their comfort zone, put their whole heart on the line, and write about their biggest insecurity for the world to see…
” I wipe a tear from the corner of my eye.
“Love is reading that story and thinking I could not be more proud…and turned on,” I say, smiling, “of anyone ever, for the rest of my life. And all I want to do is find that person and tell them that I’m sorry. ”
Marsh shuts his eyes. “You read it.”
I sniff. “It was the best thing you’ve ever written.”
When Marsh’s smile dissipates, he inhales slowly, his shoulders rising. “So, what are you saying, Lucy?”
“I’m not standing outside of your door with a boom box over my head playing your favorite song…
I don’t even know your favorite song. I’m just here because I miss you.
I think about that night and the things we said to each other all the time, Marsh.
I don’t regret what I said or how I acted, because in the moment it was true, but I regret hurting you.
” I hide my hands underneath the sleeves of my sweatshirt and take a deep breath.
“I fell in love with you, Marsh. I’m still in love with you.
And yes, saying it out loud again makes me really fucking scared.
Not because I don’t mean it, but because I’ve only ever said it one other time in my life…
and that was to you! Like I’m not joking, I am seriously about to throw up.
But you were right…Love isn’t easy. It’s messy.
It’s super messy and complicated, but I love you.
I can’t promise you that we’ll love each other across a lifetime.
But I can promise you that whatever love I have to give, I don’t want to give to anyone else. ”
As I stand in front of Marsh, watching him with his hands in his pockets, speechless, I feel it.
I feel that twist in my heart, the prickly feeling throughout my entire body, the overwhelming fear of losing someone but the joy that’s released when you say what you’ve always wanted to. This is what it feels like.
This is what being in love feels like.
Just as I think it’s better for me to turn around because the silence on Marsh’s end is deafening, he takes a deep inhale.
“Can I kiss you now?” Marsh says.
I sniff. “You better.” We both take a step toward each other, and he places both of his hands on my cheeks. Once he lowers his mouth onto mine, I melt into him. I’ve missed him so much that it hurts. “Oh my god,” I finally say once he pulls back.
“I wondered if I’d ever get to do that again,” he says.
I look up at him and intertwine my fingers into his. “Me too.”
“Thank you, Lucy,” he says intently.
“For what?”
“Thank you for trusting me with your heart.”
I rub my thumb across his knuckles. “Thank you for trusting me with yours,” I say, and he gives me another kiss.
Every time he does, it feels like the best kiss in the world.
He pulls me against him, and I bury my face against his chest, listening to his steady heartbeat against my ear. “You finally took your vacation…Why?”
“Because I needed to learn who I was outside of my job.”
I look up at him. “And have you learned?”
“I’m getting there,” he responds, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. “There’s no rush.”
“Maybe we can do that together?” I touch one of the buttons on his shirt.
“We sure can.” He nods.
“How have things been since the article came out?”
“Well”—he drags a heavy breath—“my mom definitely gave me an earful, and I could only screen so many calls from Julia and her family before I decided to turn my phone off.”
I squeeze his arm. “I’m so sorry.”
“How have you been?” he asks.
I let out an exaggerated sigh. “I feel like I’ve lived many lives since I last saw you.”
“In a good way?”
“Kind of?” I let out a tired laugh. “I started therapy, I finally talked to my mom, and I think I might need to quit my job.”
Marsh raises his eyebrows, not sure what topic to tackle first. “Wow, that’s…Do you want to talk about it inside?”
“Please,” I say, so ready to just talk to the person I’ve been missing through all of this. I pull him into a hug, burying myself into his chest. “Can I say one more thing?”
“Anything.”
“I don’t know how to do any of this,” I say, my cheek against the fabric of his Henley. “I need to work on myself, and I need to figure out what I want…I just know I want to do it with you by my side.”
Marsh pulls me in closer and kisses the top of my head. “I don’t know how to do this any better than you do. But we’ll figure it out together.”
“So, we’re doing this?” I say shakily, maybe from nervousness but mostly excitement. “We’re really doing this?”
“In case it wasn’t clear: I love you, Lucy…and I want to date you. For real,” he says. “I want it to be real.”
“Marsh.” My smile deepens, the embers in my chest flaring. “I think it was always real.”