Chapter 38 Ivy
Ivy
After lunch, we wander into the Sissinghurst Plant Shop they may just not all happen to every woman.”
“Makes sense.” He stacks the second book with his, and we walk toward the counter. “Do you want to have kids?”
“I would love to have kids,” I answer, and I don’t miss the light in his eyes. Good grief, this man.
“Good to know.”
We don’t receive a new riddle from Mr. Crawley, but it doesn’t matter. Either way, I need to get back to my family. I’d spoken to Val this morning, and even she was ready for me to get back.
She loves me after all.
I didn’t mention the possibility of Alex tagging along for the Scotland portion of our trip.
More like the possibility of him hijacking and restructuring the rest of it.
He probably already has his assistant looking into things.
Honestly, I’m a bit surprised Val didn’t suggest he come along.
It makes me think she’s ready for it to be just us.
But then again, maybe it just hadn’t occurred to her.
We drive back to London in comfortable silence; at least it begins comfortably.
We stop for car snacks to share and pass them back and forth.
I take Alex’s phone and play music. But my thoughts ultimately turn back to logistics and the impossibility of it all.
I know I should just talk it out with Alex, but I’m feeling irrationally embarrassed.
I shouldn’t, I know I shouldn’t. But I do.
As we near London, I realize I’m not quite ready to leave him.
Maybe a bit more time will be what I need to get rid of these thoughts.
At least it would give me more time to work up to talking with him about how I’m feeling.
“Could we go back to your house for a bit? They aren’t expecting me until five. ”
“Can’t get enough of me, can you?” he teases, but he’s right. Now that I’m seriously entertaining the idea of trying to make something of us, I can’t get enough of him. And I need to save up enough kisses to get me through until we’re together again.
“It’s your humility that draws me to you.”
He laughs, turning on his blinker. “Thank goodness for my exceptional, maybe even unmatched, humility.”
I smile over at him, leaning my head back on the headrest. “Given how handsome you are, I almost couldn’t blame you if you were the least humble person on the planet.”
He laughed. “Right back at you, darling.”
I reach for his hand, and he twines his fingers with mine. He rubs his thumb absently as we drive and the last twenty minutes pass in a euphoric blur. As we pull within sight of Alex’s house, he straightens, drops my hand and puts it with the other on the wheel.
“What’s wrong?”
“Paparazzi outside.” There’s an anger in his voice I haven’t heard before.
I straighten in my seat and look around. I don’t see a way to escape. Worry gathers in my throat, and I try to swallow it down. “Could we just drive past?”
“They know my car. I guarantee some of them have already seen us coming.” He pauses. “They’re already stepping into the street.”
Before I know it, the car is surrounded. My heart is pounding in my ears.
They are beating on the window and hood, all clamoring for Alex’s attention.
Each beat on the car feels like a personal assault.
Anxiety claws at me as they scream questions.
Questions I can’t understand until I hear my name.
Not “who is this woman?” They know my full name. I feel like the walls are closing in.
I startle as a man beats on the window right by my head, hard enough that the panic in my chest escapes. I pull my little car blanket over my face and I start to cry.
As tears pour down my cheeks, I can’t help but wonder: What was I thinking? I don’t want this life. I don’t want to worry about my privacy or Alex’s. Our safety. I can’t.
I thought it was worth it, but … no. I couldn’t live with this fear day in and day out. I don’t want a life where I’m constantly looking over my shoulder.
I peek out and find Alex on his phone. Alerting some sort of security maybe? Calling the police.
“There are pictures of us from karaoke and dancing. They’re trying to figure out who you are to me.
” Alex turns to look at me. “Oh, darling.” He tries to reach for my hand again, but I instinctively pull it away, back under the blanket.
I'm collapsing in on myself and I can't let him suck me in again.
“Just get us out of here. I can’t do this. I want to go to the hotel.”
Hurt flashes across his face, but he nods. He begins inching forward and after several minutes we are away from them and on the way to the hotel.
“They’re following us,” Alex says.
“You can see them?” I wipe tears from my eyes.
“No. But they’re there. They’ll catch up quickly. They always do when they have something they’re hunting.”
“And they’re hunting me, aren’t they?” I feel sick. My stomach is in knots.
“It seems so, yes.”
I sigh, then I sit silently, gripping the arm rests, until we are nearly at the hotel.
All I can think about is how I need to get out of this situation.
I need to feel safe again. I don’t want to break his heart, and I certainly don’t want to do it in a hurry while the paparazzi are rushing toward us, so I go ahead and rip off the bandage.
“I thought I could do this, but I can’t.”
“Ivy, please. It isn’t always like this. I promise.”
“But it happens. And I couldn’t take the stress of it.
Waiting for it to happen again. And now there are pictures of me all over the internet.
The mysterious woman Alexander Henry left Grey Blankenship for.
I can’t tell you how much I hate that. I don't know what I’ve been thinking.
Obviously, I haven’t been. Not the past couple of days.
I knew this wouldn’t work. That we are from two very different worlds, but I let my heart take over, and it failed me.
” I take a deep breath and close my eyes when I notice the utter devastation on Alex’s face.
“You are truly fantastic. This has all to do with me and my fears, and what I want in my life.” I gesture vaguely backward.
“Stuff like this isn’t welcome.” My tears are flowing once again, sobs threatening to break free.
Why is this the hardest thing I’ve ever done?
Maybe because I shouldn’t, some corner of my mind provides, without my permission.
“I can give it all up.” He pulls to a stop outside the hotel.
“Alex. No. You cannot do that for me.”
We stare at each other for a moment. Through my watery eyes, Alex looks at me so earnestly before making a confession.
“Ivy. I’m falling in love with you.”
His words and his expression almost break me.
But then I see a man with a huge camera moving toward the car.
This was all much too fast. He thinks he loves me, but how could he possibly after a week?
No, he would come to realize I’m not who he had made me out to be in his mind. He’ll move on and be better for it.
“I don’t think you are, Alex. Not really.
We’ve been in a whirlwind of high emotions.
You’ll realize this is for the best.” I have to run before the paparazzi swarm.
“I’m sorry this is how it’s ending.” I unbuckled my seat belt and put my hand on the door before turning to Alex.
His eyes are watery and there’s a single tear running down his cheek.
He looks like he wants to speak but can’t overcome the lump in his throat.
“Goodbye, Alex.”
For the second time, I leave Alex outside my hotel, not looking back. This time, though, it feels just like I knew it would. Devastating.