14. Taylor
Chapter 14
Taylor
“I love you,” I whisper between kisses.
I’ve been in Easton’s arms all day as we’ve watched movies and cuddled. Most of the time, we’ve had our mouths on each other and ignored whatever is playing on the TV, but it’s still the best day I’ve ever experienced.
I always wondered what it would be like to kiss Easton Maxwell. He was the boy I dreamed about having my first kiss with. My first date. My first everything. I wanted him to take all of my firsts.
I was an idiot when I agreed to be Jack’s girlfriend. I was excited to get asked out by someone and jumped at the chance. I felt like I was the only girl in my grade to never have a boyfriend. The only one sitting at home on Friday nights, rather than going on dates.
Looking back, it was stupid. I shouldn’t have felt that kind of peer pressure. Now, I'm just happy I'm getting a second chance with Easton. Another shot to make this work between us .
“I love you too, baby,” he murmurs against my neck.
I know he’s probably trying to take this slow, but I don’t want to. I’ve been numb for weeks and when I'm in his arms with his hands and lips on me, I feel more alive than I have my entire life.
I groan as he sucks lightly on my skin. I don’t care if he leaves a mark, I’d wear it like a badge of honor. But I know that isn't true. I’d be an anxious mess wondering what everyone would think if they saw a mark on my neck.
I shake my head, trying to rid the thought from my mind. I don’t want to think about other peoples’ opinions. I want to focus on this man in front of me and how he makes me feel.
Grabbing his hand, I slip it beneath my shirt and settle it on my ribs. He’s hesitant and I know he’s trying to make sure I'm comfortable, but I want him to touch me.
“We’re not rushing this, Taylor,” he murmurs, never stopping his assault on my neck.
“What if I want to?”
“You don’t have a say, sweetheart.”
His words make my heart sink, until his fingers move on my ribs. He stretches them out, covering most of my stomach. It makes me feel protected and more loved than I care to admit.
“You’re perfect.” He kisses me again. “We should get dressed and go for a walk though. I think we need to get out of the house for a little bit. ”
“Ok.” I won't lie and say I'm not disappointed, but I understand why he wants to take our relationship slowly.
I run to the bedroom to get changed while he puts away the leftovers from our lunch. When he walks in the room, I have on a tank top and a pair of leggings. His attention immediately goes to my chest and I realize this is probably the first time he’s really seen it well.
“Is it awful?” I ask as I watch him carefully. I know it isn't pretty.
“Do you know what I think of when I see this scar?” He peeks up at me through his lashes looking far more swoon worthy than should be allowed.
“What?”
“I see how hard the woman I love fought to stay with me. I think about how strong you are and with you by my side, we can get through anything. I think to myself, she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on and I'm the luckiest man in the world because I get to call you mine.”
“Easton,” I whisper as tears fill my eyes. He’s so sweet and perfect. I don’t know how he’s finally mine.
“The only thing awful about this scar…” he lets his fingertips trail down my sternum, making me suck in a sharp breath. “Is knowing it caused you weeks of pain.”
“You promise you don’t hate it? It’s not ugly?”
“Nah, baby. Nothing could taint how I see you. Every time I look at you, I see my future and no scar could change that.”
The entire weekend, we didn’t leave the house, other than our walk. We stayed wrapped up in each other and ignored the world outside. It was the best weekend of my life.
“I want to take you out on a nice date this weekend.” Easton’s leaning against the counter as he lifts his coffee cup to his lips. He’s dressed in a suit, making him look absolutely drool worthy.
“You don’t need to do that. We can just stay home.” I wave him off as I shove a spoonful of cereal into my mouth. Milk dribbles down my chin and onto the island counter, making him chuckle.
“Baby,” he murmurs as he closes the distance. He leans his forearms on the island, leaning in so his face is only a few inches away from mine. “I can't control how he treated you, but I can make sure I treat you correctly. I will take you out on romantic dates. I will make you feel like you’re the most important woman in the entire world, because you are. I’ll make sure no other man will ever be able to capture your attention because you know I treat you better than they’ll ever be able to. Do you understand me?”
I swallow hard and nod my head, never removing my gaze from his. Sometimes I have a hard time remembering this is real and Easton’s mine. When I wake up in the morning and find him lying next to me, I always think it’s a dream. One I don’t want to wake up from .
“Good girl.” He stands to his full height again. “And when we get home from our date, I’ll curl up with you in bed.” He smirks over the rim of his coffee cup and winks at me.
“That sounds nice,” I squeak out, making him laugh.
“Are you staying here while I go to this meeting?”
“No, I should probably go home.” I frown down at my bowl.
“Yeah, you should go home.”
My eyes snap to him and I frown. He nods his head in agreement and pretends he doesn’t realize I'm angry, but he does. I know it.
“You should go home so you can pack a bag or two.”
“You know, you can be a real jerk sometimes,” I grumble, making him laugh again.
“I'm going to miss you today. I liked our little weekend away from the real world. I wish it didn’t need to end.” He meets my gaze and lets his vulnerability shine through.
I love how Easton doesn’t try to hide how he feels from me. He’s always raw and vulnerable, letting me see the deepest parts of his soul.
As I think about it, I realize he’s always been like that. He’s never tried to build a wall between us, even when I deserved it.
“What’s wrong?” I ask softly as I take a seat on the couch next to Easton.
It’s been almost a week since I last saw him and that’s basically unheard of in my life. He’s always there. Always smiling at me from across the room and stealing away time with me .
Yet, since he found out Jack and I were dating, he’s stayed away. It’s like I lost one of the most important people in my life and I don’t like it one bit. I’d rather be single than lose Easton’s friendship.
“Nothing. You don’t need to worry about me.” He shifts, putting some more space between us.
My heart falls when I realize he doesn’t want me here. He was avoiding me on purpose and I have a feeling this is my new normal, but why? Why is he mad at me? He had so many chances to ask me out if he wanted to. So many times, we were alone together and he could’ve confessed any feelings he had for me.
I could’ve done the same, yet I didn’t. Why should I expect Easton to put it all on the line when I wasn’t willing to do the same?
“Ok,” I whisper as tears gather in my eyes. “I guess I’ll see you around… Eventually.” I brush a tear off my cheek as I stand. I barely make it to my feet before I'm tugged down onto Easton’s lap.
“Why are you crying, sweetheart? You didn’t actually think I’d let you leave with tears on your cheeks, did you?” He cradles my head against his chest and presses a soft kiss to the crown.
“You hate me and don’t want me around.” I grip his shirt tightly in my fists as the tears come faster.
“I could never hate you, Taylor. You know that. You’re one of the most important people in the world to me.”
“Then why are you mad? Why have you been avoiding me? It’s killing me.”
“I'm mad at Jack and I'm not telling you why. It’s not your concern and there’s nothing you can do to fix it. He crossed a line and he knows it. I haven’t been trying to avoid you, just Jack, but you’re always together so…” He trails off and even though he says I'm not the issue, I don’t believe him.
I saw the way his face crumbled when I told him I was dating Jack. I saw the walls he instantly put up around his heart. He can tell me until he’s blue in the face that he isn't mad at me, I’ll never believe him.
“Are you mad we’re dating?” I whisper softly, almost afraid to ask the question.
“I can't control who you date, Taylor. You’re free to attach yourself to whoever you want.”
My stomach rolls. He didn’t answer my question. He’s doing this on purpose. He doesn’t want to discuss anything about Jack and me.
“Is my relationship with him going to affect ours?” I peek up at him, finding his eyes already on me.
His blue and green eyes are more on the green side today. They’re full of anger, misery, and something else I can't place. He stares at me for several long minutes. Before he even opens his mouth, I know whatever he says is going to be a lie.
“We’ll be fine. Jack can't affect what we have.”
“Hey, where’d you go?” Easton reaches across the counter and brushes his thumb over my cheek. His concerned eyes are locked on me. They’re really blue today .
“Do you remember when I confronted you about avoiding me after Jack and I started dating?”
“Yeah,” he sighs, already knowing where this conversation is going.
“I was right, wasn’t I? You were avoiding me. You were mad we were dating.”
“I was livid with Jack. I couldn’t stomach being around you because every time I saw you, I thought about what he did. How he stole you away from me. I just couldn’t do it.”
“But you didn’t avoid me after that, why?”
“Because I couldn’t handle seeing those tears on your cheeks. I saw how much my absence was upsetting you and I couldn’t do that to you. That day, I vowed I’d do my best to pretend I was ok with you dating, even if I still hated Jack for it. I decided not to blame you when you were blissfully unaware of what actually happened. It wasn’t fair to get mad at you when you didn’t do anything wrong.”
“How did you repair your relationship with Jack?”
“I’m not really sure. I beat the crap out of him a few times and he didn’t really fight back. He knew he deserved it. There were more than a few screaming matches, but I think I finally just accepted reality. He wasn’t going to break up with you and I couldn’t do anything about it.”
“I'm so sorry,” I whisper, dropping my gaze to the counter as tears gather in my eyes.
“Baby, don’t cry on me. You know how much that kills me.” He walks around the island and wraps his arms around me from behind.
“I hurt you so much. I hate that.”
“You didn’t do it on purpose, and now you’ve made me the happiest man in the world. I think we’re even.” He presses a sloppy kiss to my cheek, chuckling when I let out a squeal and swipe at the moisture. “C’mon, I have to get to my meeting. I’ll drop you off at your apartment and you can pack.”
“I need to work too.” I smirk, loving how much he wants me here.
“Yeah, but can't you do that later? Do you have projects due?”
“No. I can spend the day packing, but I’ll need you to carry the boxes. I can't do that yet.”
“I can do that without a problem. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to do it tonight. This meeting will most likely be long. Can you still pack a bag and come back here though?”
“Yes. Just text me when you’re on your way home and I’ll meet you.”
“Nah, I have a key for you. You can come back whenever you want, but if you’re not here when I get home, I’m going to be annoyed.”
“Ok.” I laugh at how serious he is. He really wants me to live here. “What are you doing with Jack’s room? ”
“I don’t know. I feel weird cleaning it out, but I'm not keeping it a shrine to him forever.” Easton runs his fingers through his hair, then glances at his watch.
Without another word, I rush into our room and get changed. We can talk on the drive, I don’t want him anxious about being late.
“Do you want me to start sorting through things? I could make a trash, keep, and donate piles. You can still check each pile, but it would be less work for you.”
“I’d love that, but you don’t need to do that if you have work to do.”
“I didn’t take any projects for this week. I wasn’t sure how I’d be.”
“Are you sure going through his things won't be too painful for you?” Easton places his large palm on my thigh and squeezes gently.
“I think it’s better if it happens sooner rather than later. It will help me come to terms with it.”
“Then do it, but if at any point it’s too much, I want you to stop and I’ll handle the rest.”
Stopping outside of Jack’s door, I suck in a deep breath and blow it out slowly. I rushed through packing my things at my apartment so I could get back here and have more time to sort through Jack’s stuff.
I don’t want there to be an entire room of Jack’s things next to the room I’ll be sharing with Easton. It feels wrong. Like we’re both holding onto him and it makes me feel like our relationship is wrong.
I know I'm going to struggle with how people view our relationship, especially so soon after Jack died, but I can't change that. After talking to Easton and the memories that have surfaced for me, I truly think Jack regretted dating me. Not because he didn’t love me in his own way, but because he knew Easton and I were meant to be together.
I twist the knob and push open the door. Right away, I'm slammed with the scent of Jack. The earthy cologne he always wore and I hated. I preferred Easton’s old leather and spice scented cologne.
On his nightstand there’s a picture of the two of us. We’re sitting on the boat and smiling at the camera. I have my hand on Jack’s chest, but he isn't even touching me. I frown at the image and wonder how I never saw it. How did I spend so many years with someone who didn’t really want me?
I place the frame on one side of the bed and open the top drawer. There’s a notebook inside and my brows draw together as I flip it open and find a diary-like entry.
How did I think asking her out was smart? I knew he was in love with her. Jeez, anyone within a hundred miles could tell they were in love with each other. Everyone except them. And because I'm a selfish jerk, instead of pointing it out to them, I swooped in and made sure they could never be together.
I was angry at him. She looks at him like he was the most amazing person in town. No, the world. Nope, in the entire universe. I just wanted a woman to look at me like that. I wanted her to be mine and I definitely didn’t want to lose her to him.
But I screwed up.
A small part of me thought if she dated me, she’d start looking at me the way she looks at him, but that never happened. She still stared longingly at him. She still laughed a little harder and smiled a little brighter at him. She’d seek him out. I’d find her in the garage watching him work on that stupid car more times than I can count .
I don’t know why I was never enough for her. I never will be. Now everything is screwed up. I can't break up with my best friend or I’ll lose her, but I can't kiss her or touch her, knowing she’d rather it was him kissing her and touching her. Even if I did break up with her, he’d never date her and she’d never take the leap and make a move on her own.
Nope, I destroyed everything, just like I always do.
I swipe at the tears on my cheeks and blow out a ragged breath. Jack knew Easton and I were in love with each other. He made a move, knowing he was going to ruin everything.
Anger and pity spread through me. I feel bad for him. He wanted this amazing love and he settled knowing he’d never get it from me.
His reason behind not kissing me or touching me makes sense now, but why keep dating me? I understand he didn’t want to lose me as a friend, but how far was he going to take this? Was he willing to propose and get married? Have kids and give me the future I wanted, or was he waiting for me to break up with him? Was he going to wait until I got fed up with the lack of attention and intimacy he gave me?
I flip the page over and find another entry. The first paragraph is like a knife to my chest.
She’s perfect. Exactly what I’ve been looking for in a woman. I just wish I had found her first. Taylor’s nothing compared to her and I know it. I’ll never be happy with Taylor, but Cassy could be it for me.
I’m trying to figure out how I can break up with Taylor without it becoming a huge thing. Can I somehow push her into Easton’s arms? I wouldn’t even pretend to be upset, I’d smile happily and cheer them on.
I really don’t know how Taylor’s putting up with me. I don’t take her out on dates, I don’t kiss her, or touch her. I give her as little attention as possible without feeling guilty. I don’t know another woman who would put up with this.
Easton’s senior prom is coming up. Maybe I can suggest they go together. I know he won' t ask another girl and he won't go alone. He’ll probably sit in the garage and work on his stupid car instead.
Taylor would love an excuse to put on a fancy dress and doll herself up. Easton would love a reason to have her in his arms.
This is the greatest plan. As long as I can get them to agree, it will work out perfectly and we can all have our happily ever afters. I can fix every mistake I made.
My hand flies up to cover my mouth. That was six years ago. He’s been with Cassy for six years and has kept it a secret?
I don’t know if I'm more hurt he’s been cheating on me for that long or more irritated he wasted so many years of my life. I understand why Cassy hated me though. She was kept a secret for almost a decade when he was in love with her. To her, I was ruining everything.
I wish I could talk to Jack. I wish I could scream and yell at him, telling him all the ways he screwed up. All the things he could’ve done differently. But I don’t need to. He already knew. He wasn’t oblivious to the pain he was causing those around him. I wonder how much it killed him to live with the consequences of his actions.
Instead of flipping to the next page, I toss the notebook in the keep pile on the bed and move towards the closet. Easton doesn’t want any of the clothes. I already grabbed some trash bags and I’ll bag up Jack’s clothes and stick them in the hallway. I had to promise I wouldn’t try to lift anything heavy and I won't. I don’t want to make my recovery more difficult than it needs to be.
As I stuff the various pieces of fabric into the bags, I realize he has quite a bit of dressier clothes I never saw him wear. I wonder if he wore these when he took Cassy out on dates. Did he put more effort into his appearance to impress her? I shake the thought away and keep going. I'll never get answers to the questions I have. There’s no one here to answer them and I'm not seeking out Cassy.
Most of the things I find in here are to donate or trash. Jack definitely wasn’t a tidy man and the bags of trash prove that. I’m rifling through another stack of papers when something catches my eye. Sitting in a pile of junk mail is a little black and white picture.
I look closer and gasp. My hand flies up to cover my mouth and my eyes fill with tears. This is an ultrasound photo with Cassy’s name clearly printed at the top. I scan the text for a date and swallow hard when I find this is from a few months ago .
My mind drifts to Cassy and how she looked at the funeral. She didn’t have a baby bump at all. Her stomach was completely flat. She was skinnier than me.
Before I can stop myself, I scramble over to the bed and open Jack’s notebook again. I scan the entries looking for something more recent.
I’m going to be a dad. No matter how many times I repeat those words, it just doesn’t feel real. In a few months, I'm going to have a little baby who’s part me and part Cassy.
I know I haven’t been good to Cassy so far, but I'm going to be better. I’ll be the best dad my baby could ask for. First, I need to convince Cassy to keep the baby and not put it up for adoption. I know she keeps saying she doesn’t want to do this alone and she doesn’t want our baby to feel like they’re a secret from the world.
I need to make this right. I need to break up with Taylor and move in with Cassy. I don’t care if I lose my friendship with Taylor. My baby is more important than anything else. I’ve screwed up a lot in my life, but I'm not screwing this up. I'm talking to Cassy tonight and tomorrow I'm breaking up with Taylor.
I’ll do everything in my power to push her into Easton’s arms. I’ll make sure Easton knows there won't be any hard feelings if he chooses to date her. Honestly, I’d be thrilled if they finally got to be together. I want to see them get married and live happily ever after together, just like I’m about to get my perfect life with Cassy and our baby. I’m going to fix everything.
I choke on a sob as tears stream down my face. I can't believe he got her pregnant. I can't believe he was starting a family with someone else and I was completely in the dark. I didn’t even know.
How could I be so oblivious to the man I claimed to love?