16. Taylor
Chapter 16
Taylor
I take a deep breath and try to prepare myself. I don’t know why I'm so nervous to read these. Easton’s been very straightforward and I know exactly how he feels, yet somehow this feels more intimate. This is him explaining his feelings and reactions where he knew no one would ever see it. These are his raw feelings from when it happened and he didn’t have years to come to terms with things.
This is going to hurt.
Taylor,
Why? Why did you have to agree to dating him? He’ll never love you the way I do. He’s too self-absorbed to care about anyone as much as he cares about himself.
He might love you and he might care about you, but it’s different.
Every time I look at you, I see the bright and happy future we could have together. I imagine coming home after a long day at work and tugging you into my arms. We have at least one or two dogs chasing our toddlers around the backyard. Their squeals of laughter fill the air and bring a smile to our face as we talk about our day with each other.
He doesn’t imagine a future with you. He’s too consumed with the present. He doesn’t even think about what he’ll be doing this weekend, let alone in ten years.
You could do better, beautiful. I'm not saying you’ll only be happy with me, but out of all the men in the world, why’d it have to be him?
- E
Blowing out a shaky breath, I attempt to keep myself composed. It’s so hard to read this. To know I was feeling the same way about Easton. If Jack hadn’t searched me out, my entire life would be different right now.
“Stop it, baby,” Easton murmurs from next to me.
He still has his hands tucked behind his head and his eyes are now closed. I don’t think he wants to see my reaction to his journal entries. He knows what’s in them and it’s probably embarrassing to watch me read them.
“You want me to stop reading?” I squeak out.
“No, I want you to stop beating yourself up over what happened in the past. We can't change it, but we can move on.”
“How did you know I was beating myself up?” I watch him carefully. I love how the corner of his lips twitch before lifting into a lopsided grin. He slowly opens his eyes and they’re latched onto mine right away.
“Because I know you. I know everything there is to know. I can tell when you’re lying. I can tell when you’re hiding something and I can definitely tell when you’re feeling guilty or regretting something.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too. Now, keep reading. I'll be hungry soon and I know you won't want to stop reading until you’re finished with all of them. ”
He scoots lower on the bed until his head is resting on the pillow, then he removes one hand from behind his head and places it on my thigh. He tucks his fingers between my thighs and closes his eyes again. He’s silently giving me support without touching me enough to make me cry and I appreciate it.
I turn the page and keep going.
Taylor,
You’ll always just be out of my reach. Just a little too far away.
Do you know how hard it is to watch you get all dolled up for a date, knowing none of it’s for me? Seeing you fret over what to wear or how to style your hair, when it’s for him? I swear every time, it kills a little bit of my soul.
It’s even more frustrating knowing he isn't taking you on real dates. He’s letting you tag along while he does whatever he was going to do without you. He doesn’t take you for romantic dates. He doesn’t put in any effort or get dressed up. He doesn’t care the way I would.
I can hug you, but not for too long. I can kiss your forehead, but never your lips. You’re always around, yet you aren’t mine. I can't curl up with you on the couch or wrap my arms around you from behind. No matter what, you’ll never be mine and it’s going to kill me slowly.
-E
“Easton…” I barely get his name out as tears choke me up. I didn’t know I was hurting him this much by dating Jack. I never would have agreed to it. I really thought I was reading him all wrong and he didn’t want me.
“We can't change what happened.” He squeezes my thigh. “You’re mine now. That’s all that really matters. ”
Taylor,
Some days I sit and watch you dance around the yard. For the briefest moment, I can pretend he didn’t steal you away from me. I pretend I still have a chance at having you as my girlfriend.
I can never stop the smile from spreading across my lips when I get those moments with you. It feels like everything is right in the world and the weight on my chest disappears.
But then he jogs across the yard and takes you in his arms. He spins you in a circle until you’re giggling. He dips you low and presses a kiss on your lips.
That’s when I duck back inside and focus on something else. Anything else. Because seeing you two together is like a knife straight through my heart every time. It doesn’t get easier. It doesn’t hurt less. Each time I feel the betrayal like a fresh wound.
-E
I remember the moments. I’d see him peeking out from the garage and I’d pretend I didn’t notice him. But I always noticed Easton Maxwell. I knew if he entered a room without looking. My body was so in tune with his, I could feel him.
“I knew you used to watch me dance in the yard. I used to dance in a spot I knew you could see from the garage,” I whisper.
“What? Seriously?” Easton peeks an eye open and stares at me.
“Yes, I wanted you to pay attention to me. Eventually you’d stick your head out and watch me, but it never lasted long. I swear Jack would wait for that, then run out to see me. Any time you weren’t home, he left me alone.”
Easton mumbles something under his breath about Jack being a jerk and I just smile. No matter what, there will always be hard feelings between them, and Jack’s death isn't going to change that.
If anything, I think it makes it more difficult because we can't get the answers we want from him.
Taylor,
I don’t blame you for saying yes when Jack asked you out. If you liked him, there was no reason for you to turn him down .
What I'm angry about is Jack’s actions. He knew I was in love with you. He knew I wanted to ask you out. But he’s Jack. He gets his way every time.
He purposely asked you out before I could. He made sure you were unavailable so I couldn’t have you. He didn’t care about you, he just didn’t want to share you with me.
That’s what hurts the most. Being betrayed by your own brother.
-E
“I'm sorry you had to deal with the betrayal. You probably felt like I betrayed you too.”
“In the beginning, yes. I quickly realized there was no way for you to know how I felt though.”
“That summer… I thought you were flirting with me and I was definitely loving it. When Jack asked me to be his girlfriend, I thought you didn’t want me. I knew he’d say something to you before he spoke to me. Then your reaction wh en you found out… I wondered if I was wrong, but there was nothing I could do at that point.”
“Yeah, I made the mistake of telling Jack I was going to talk to you and the rest is history,” he grumbles.
Taylor,
It feels like a cruel joke for Jack to ask me if I want to take you to prom. Of course I do! I want you to get all dolled up in a fancy dress and know it’s all for me. To know you put so much time into looking amazing for me. But you wouldn’t need any of it. Even if you still had that old t-shirt I ruined with my greasy hands when I stopped you from falling and you wore that with old, ripped jeans, you’d still be the most beautiful woman in any room.
I wanted to take you to prom, but not because you took pity on me and were going with me because Jack asked you to. I wanted to take you, knowing you were mine. Knowing I could take you in my arms and dance around the room. Knowing I could kiss you at the end of the night and finally ask you to be my girlfriend .
But none of that can happen when you’re dating him. You’d only be going with me out of a sense of obligation and nothing more. I don’t want to be pitied by you, sweetheart.
-E
“I wish Jack had just told us what was going on. It could’ve saved all of us so much time and misery,” I say on a sigh.
“That wasn’t the Jack way of handling things. If he had come clean, he would’ve looked like the bad guy. He risked losing his relationship with both of us in the process. He wanted to do it slyly or have someone else fix his mistake. That was the only way he did things.”
I nod my head as I flip the page. Easton isn't wrong. Jack rarely cleaned up his own messes and when he did, it was done secretly and in a way you’d never realized he screwed up to begin with.
Taylor,
When you fell off the stool today, I swear my heart leapt into my throat. I was terrified you’d get hurt. I don’t think I’ve ever moved that quickly in my life, but I was willing to do anything to make sure you were ok.
When my hands wrapped around your tiny waist… It was so hard to remember you weren’t mine. It took every ounce of restraint I had to not pull you even closer and claim your lips with mine.
I live for the moments you spend with me in the garage. It’s the only time I get you completely to myself. The fleeting moments I can pretend Jack didn’t steal you away from me.
I just wish there was a way to make you mine for real.
-E
“I'm yours now,” I whisper as I lean in and press my lips against his.
Easton doesn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around my waist and tug me closer, refusing to let me go. He deepens our kiss and this time it’s hungry and needy. He’s showing me all the emotions he’s kept bottled up for years. He’s making me feel more desired than I’ve ever felt.
When he realizes I'm not trying to end our kiss, he slips his hands under my shirt and begins massaging my back.
“Can you finish reading later?” He murmurs barely loud enough for me to hear.
“Definitely.”
After we’ve eaten dinner, I curl up on the couch next to Easton. He has his laptop on his lap, working on a project that’s giving him trouble at work. I'm happily reading through his journals.
Logically, I knew how he felt about me but to read it like a story is something else. I love it. I'm going to make sure he keeps these forever. I’m sure I’ll go back and read them more times than I can count.
This is our real love story. The messy way we went from friends to lovers and everything in between. It’s not a pretty story, but it’s ours and I love it. More than anything, I love how each entry is written to me.
I open the cover of the last journal. I can’t believe I’ve made it through almost ten years of letters to me. This last one is the most recent and will probably hurt the most to read .
Taylor,
Telling you Jack was dead was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I knew it was going to change things between us. I knew it would drive a wedge in our relationship, but you deserved to know and no one seemed to want to tell you.
I couldn’t sit by and watch the panic fill your features or your mind spin with a million thoughts of where he could be or what could’ve happened to him.
Instead of leaving you wondering, I broke your heart. I flipped your world upside down and knew it would never be the same again.
I know there’s a good chance you’ll never be able to look at me again without thinking of that day. You might always associate me with pain and misery. I'm sorry if that’s the case. I’ll do anything I can to help you through this. To prove you can still have a happy life even without Jack in it.
I’d give you the world on a silver platter if you let me, Taylor. You just need to let me back into your life and stop pushing me away.
-E
“I didn’t mean to push you away,” I whisper as I slip my hand into Easton’s. “I was just so miserable. I didn’t know how to cope with all of it. I don’t think I realized how much guilt I’d feel over receiving someone’s heart, especially Jack’s.”
“I understand why you did it. I just couldn’t lose you. You’re all I have and I knew if I lost you, I wouldn’t be able to keep going.”
“You’ll never lose me as long as I can help it.”
“Good. I think you’re almost done.” He nudges the notebook. “I’ll be only a few more minutes working, then we can go to bed.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
Taylor ,
That delivery girl… It was awkward. She was staring at me like I was a piece of meat and she was a starving tiger. I’ve never felt so… uncomfortable? I guess that’s the best way to describe it.
The entire time, I kept thinking ‘I wish Taylor would look at me like this’. And it’s true. I wish you’d look at me the way the creepy delivery girl was looking at me. I wish you’d tell me how attractive you think I am and beg me to date you.
Daily, I wonder what my life would be like right now if I had gotten to you before Jack did. If he hadn’t knocked down the tools in the garage and I hadn’t taken the time to clean them up. If I had rushed out of there and found you first, would we be friends or something more?
These are the questions that keep me awake at night. The what ifs that haunt my dreams.
But we’ll never know what could’ve been.
-E
“Oh my gosh!” I burst out laughing as I read the second to last entry. “You were so awkward when you answered the door to that poor delivery girl!”
“Listen, everyone was awkward in that situation. Who tells some random guy if they go on a date they don’t need to pay for their pizza?”
“A woman not afraid to go after what she wants. And she wanted you.” I smirk, wiggling my eyebrows.
“I’ve only had my sights set on one girl my entire life. Now, she’s finally mine and I'm not letting go.”
Taylor,
When you were sitting in my lap, playing with my hair… It took everything in me to keep my hands to myself. Over the years, you’ve complained when you tried to run your fingers through my hair and I’d stop you. I didn’t stop you because I cared how my hair looked, even if that’s what I always told you .
I did it because having you that close and touching me like that, it was too difficult to remember you weren’t mine and you never would be.
I'm not going to stop you anymore. I’ll let you touch me however you want and pray one day you’ll feel the same way about me as I do about you. Though I'm not going to hold my breath. I think I already lost my chance with the woman of my dreams.
-E
“You haven’t written anything in a week?”
“Nah, I’ve been too busy with you to worry about writing you letters.” He grins.
“I want you to keep writing them.” I move so I'm sitting on my knees and stare at him.
“Seriously? Why?”
“Because you’ve documented our love story! Every time we got mad at each other. Every time we got to do something special together. It’s all here, Easton! I love it. Will you please keep going?”
“For you, I’d do anything. Now, let’s go to bed.”
He places his laptop and notebook on the coffee table, then lifts me into his arms and carries me to bed. I could get used to life with Easton.