Chapter Nine
James
ME: Avery? Is that you?
I let the towel I’d been holding up around my waist fall to the ground. I took a seat on the side of my bed trying to get the nervous feeling in my stomach to settle down.
“I can’t believe you’re texting me, either,” I said to the empty space.
ME: I can’t believe it either.
AVERY: I have to tell you something. I haven’t been completely honest with you. I got myself into some trouble and I fucked everything up.
Oh fuck, he’s gonna tell me about David.
ME: What is it? You can tell me anything sweetheart.
AVERY: I’m engaged. I know that I lied to you, and I’m so sorry. I didn't really have a choice at the time… it’s hard to explain. I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to. I wanted to wait for you, but I was going to lose my family. I feel like shit, and I should have told you a long time ago.
I bit my lip and stood up off the bed to pace around the room.
I had so much nervous energy and my stupid emotions were all over the goddamn place.
I had been completely brokenhearted when Avery had told me he didn’t want to see me anymore and that he was in love with someone else.
I had imagined he was talking about David.
ME: Do you love him, Avery?
I stepped into a pair of briefs and almost had a clean shirt over my head when he replied.
AVERY: No. I’m in love with you, James. It’s always been you.
I couldn’t believe what I was reading. My heart was beating fast in my chest, and all I wanted to do was run to him.
ME: Leave him. Come be with me.
AVERY: I’m going to. But I need to try to do it in a way that doesn’t get us killed, or my parents hating my guts for the rest of my life. He’s dangerous, and I don’t trust him not to do something irrational.
AVERY: I also need to talk to my parents. Explain things to them, maybe I can get away from him and not lose them in the process. He’s very close with my mom and dad. Honestly, I think they like him more than me most times. But they don’t see the real him.
ME: What can I do?
AVERY: Just hang tight, and give me a few days to sort this out. God, I want to see you so bad. I’ve been waiting for years, and I feel like we’re so close, but there’s still so much between us.
ME: Where are you?
AVERY: I’m at my parents’, where you send the letters to. I’m watching the house while they are away visiting friends. David and I had a fight, so I’m sleeping over here for a few days. But I feel like he’ll be watching me like a hawk.
Jesus Christ, I had already forgotten about earlier. Fuck, I forgot Avery had already met me! He’s gonna think I was lying to him or playing games.
AVERY: I don’t think we should be seen together. If David catches me cheating, he’ll get to my parents first, and then I’m toast. I have to be careful, but I want to be near you so bad!
ME: What if… what if you didn’t ‘cheat,’ per se. What if you didn’t have a “choice?”
AVERY: What do you mean?
My fingers hesitated as my half-baked plan began to form…
ME: Do you trust me?
AVERY: Yes. Of course.
ME: Leave the back door unlocked tonight.
I dressed quickly, and grabbed the car keys, making a beeline for the door when I heard, “JR?”
I stopped, biting my tongue to hold back the involuntary curse at being slowed down. I turned back to see Jenna standing just outside the kitchen. She was drying off her hands on a dishtowel.
“Yeah?”
“Look, I wanted to talk to you about the other night…”
I put my hands up. “I’m sorry about that. I should have picked a better time to tell everyone. I shouldn’t have done it in front of Lindsey. That was inappropriate.”
Jenna scrunched her eyebrows together and shook her head.
“No, not at all. You have nothing to apologize for. I want Lindsey to grow up with love in her heart. Understanding and tolerance. Who needs to apologize is your mother. What she said to you…” Jenna paused, and looked away.
“What she said to you was disgraceful, and, whether she apologizes or not, I want to apologize. No one should be spoken to like that when they come out.”
I was stunned. I never expected her to… I don’t know, care? She always walked around like she completely hated my guts, so her unexpected compassion was making me uncomfortable.
“Thank you,” was all I managed to say.
We stared at each other for a few seconds. I thought she was going to say more, but she just nodded and disappeared back into the kitchen.
I thought about Jenna’s words all the way to the store, and the more I thought about them, the more confused I was. Did she still hate me? Or were things different now that she knew I was gay? Was it just pitying me for my mother spitting what she had?
I shook my head and parked the car. “Jenna is the last thing you need to be thinking about right now,” I muttered under my breath as I walked past the 90-year-old man standing at the entranceway.
One day it would be nice to go to a store that wasn’t fucking Walmart, but, for the time being, it would suit my purpose.
In the men’s clothing section I found a plain, black, zip-up hoodie.
I made my way to the personal care aisles.
I grabbed a new deodorant in a different scent along with a matching body spray.
One aisle over, I stopped in front of a locked glass display case filled with condoms, lubricants, and generic sex toys.
With a heavy sigh, I pushed the red call button beside the case. A red light flashed, so I assumed that someone had received my summons.
After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, a pimple-faced associate who couldn’t have been any older than 17 came around the corner and pressed the call button again, making the light go out.
“Can I help you?” he said.
“Uh, yeah. I need something out of there”
“What do you need?” he asked, pulling a key ring out of his pocket and opening the glass door.
Fuck, the lube being locked down like a military installation had thrown me off, and I hadn’t even looked at the options. “Um, I’m actually not sure. Can you give me a minute?”
The kid raised an eyebrow. “I can’t leave while the case is unlocked,” he replied flatly.
“Yeah… makes sense.”
I would have googled ‘good anal lube brands’ and been more prepared had I known there was going to be so much pressure.
Fuck.
I grabbed the first silicone-based lube I saw, along with a 12-pack of Trojans and nodded awkwardly at the guy as I started walking away.
“Hey, I have to take those to the register for you.”
I stopped and turned back. “But I’m not finished shopping.”
“You can come back and get them when you are all done, then,” he said, reaching his hand out to take the items back from me.
“I would prefer to not go through this again. I just need one more thing.”
He shrugged. “Okay, go ahead.”
I sighed in relief and gave him a friendly smile. “Thanks.”
“But I’m going with you.”
“Christ! Fine, come with me, then. Where the fuck are the ski masks?”
He froze and looked me up and down before his gaze landed on the lube and condoms still in my hands.
“Never mind,” he said, taking a few small steps backward before turning and walking away.
“That was a joke!” I lied, calling after him.
I headed down towards the sporting goods section and, after having to ask another associate, I finally found a small selection of full-faced masks.
I grabbed an all-black one that covered everything except my eyes, then I headed to the self-checkout stand.
I scanned the items and was only slightly appalled that a small bottle of lube and a box of condoms were over $20.
00 by themselves. Inflation had obviously hit like a bitch while I was behind bars.
Madness.
Before I got in the car, I opened the new deodorant and applied it, along with a quick spritz of the spray.
I wanted to smell different than I had when I’d been around Avery before.
I couldn’t shake the anxiety about telling him who I was.
He’d broken up with me because he said he was in love with someone else.
At the time, I thought he was making bullshit excuses because of David.
But, after he texted, I found out he was in love with me. Or, the other me.
Fuck, now I’m confusing myself.
At any rate, I had exchanged enough dirty letters to know that this was gonna turn Avery on anyway. He did say that he trusted me. Maybe I should just scrap this whole thing, and just tell him the truth now…
I opened my phone and read back through the messages. As my thumbs hovered over the keyboard, something else seemed to take over. Instead of sending the message, I simply plugged in the address of Avery’s parent’s house and hit the gas.