Chapter 7 #3
‘Theo said you needed to talk to me.’ Rowan’s tone was tight.
She had no idea what James wanted, but it was far too soon to feel ready to talk about anything that wasn’t to do with the children.
The house they’d bought together in Exeter to ensure they kept a foot on the property ladder while they were living in housing provided by the school was already on the market, and they’d agreed a simple fifty-fifty split in equity and their joint savings.
Other than that, they’d both be retaining any individual savings and their pensions.
While the children were living with her full time, James would be sending 300 pounds a month in maintenance, which would be reviewed if and when he was in a position to have them spend nights with him.
But he’d already said he wasn’t ready to do that at Membory Grange, and that he was worried it might be disruptive for the children and delay them settling in to Port Agnes.
Secretly she’d been glad, but now she was bracing herself for James to announce that he’d suddenly had a change of heart, having seen the children’s faces and realised that he couldn’t bear not to spend time with them.
‘I miss you so much, all three of you.’ James started to cry before the words were even out of his mouth and she stared at him for a moment, trying to work out how she felt about the man she’d spent over two decades loving, but hadn’t really known at all.
He looked thin and exhausted and there was a part of her that hurt for him, but a much bigger part that was still incredibly angry for what he’d put her and the children through.
‘It’s been a big change for us all and I know the kids miss you too.
’ Rowan wasn’t going to say she missed him, not even in an attempt to make him feel better.
Of course she did, you couldn’t share your life with someone for more than twenty years and not miss them when they suddenly disappeared out of it, almost overnight.
But she’d grieved painfully during the months when she’d still lived at Membory Grange, and she’d had to harden her heart to him in order to survive, telling herself that the James she missed had never really existed.
She had to get to know this new version of him as her children’s father.
But the new James would never be her husband.
The most she could hope for was that they would one day be friends, for the children’s sake if nothing else.
She’d seen for herself the difference it made when parents were able to get along, and she wanted them to, Euan included, if he stayed on the scene.
It just felt far too early to think of James as any kind of friend yet.
‘I need to see you all, face to face; not being able to hug any of you is like a physical pain.’ There were still tears running down James’s face. ‘Can I come and stay with you?’
Rowan couldn’t help wondering why he was suddenly so desperate to spend time with the children, when he’d ended up cancelling his last visit.
But she knew that being separated from them would have felt like physical pain to her too, and she wasn’t going to give him the third degree about his change of heart.
All that really mattered was that the children were happy.
‘I want you to see Theo and Bella whenever you like.’ It was the one thing she’d vowed she’d never stand in the way of, and that she’d never badmouth James in front of the children.
In all the late-night drinking sessions with Pippa and Odette, after discovering James’s secret, when the three of them had called him every name under the sun, it had been the vow she’d repeated.
No matter how she felt about James or what he’d done, she’d never say a bad word about him in front Theo and Bella, and she’d never stop him from seeing them.
But he couldn’t have it all his own way.
‘They’ll be really happy to see you, but you can’t stay here, I don’t think it would be good for any of us.
You’ll have to rent an Airbnb or stay in a hotel. ’
‘I understand.’ James bit his lip, but it did nothing to stem his tears. ‘I’m so sorry, Row, if I could undo everything I’ve done I would. I wish to God it hadn’t happened.’
She scanned around her and lowered her voice to make sure there was no chance of the children overhearing. ‘The affair or the part where you got caught?’
‘Row, please, I feel terrible enough as it is.’
‘That makes two of us then.’ A frisson of guilt knotted in her stomach, because she didn’t feel as awful as she’d expected to this soon after moving back to Port Agnes.
Now that she’d been to the school and reconnected with Bex she was genuinely looking forward to starting her new job; things between her parents were better than they’d ever been and then there was Nathan.
She tried to push the thought of him out of her head; he shouldn’t even feature in the equation of all the things she felt she had to look forward to as she built a new life for herself and the children.
That new life could never include Nathan Lark, they were just too… different.
‘I’m sorry, I really am.’ James was repeating himself now and it wouldn’t change anything, no matter how many times he said it. Maybe one day she’d be ready to accept his apology, but today wasn’t that day.
‘Just let me know when you’ve sorted out a weekend to come. It might be a good idea to give us at least a week’s notice. They’re both starting to make friends and I don’t want them to have to cancel any plans because you’ve left telling us to the last minute.’
‘It sounds like everyone is moving on, except me.’ James sounded so sorry for himself and something inside Rowan snapped.
She might be doing okay now and the children were starting to settle, but she’d gone through months of barely being able to sleep, worrying about the future, and trying to comfort her children when they begged to stay at Membory Grange, without being able to tell them why that was impossible.
‘Funny how it works out when you gave yourself such a head start on the moving on front. Just text me when you’ve decided about a visit.
’ Ending the call before he could say anything else, Rowan let go of a long breath.
They were all moving on, bit by bit, and she was incredibly proud of the children for the way they had turned things around in such a short time and for embracing their fresh start.
The road ahead didn’t seem anywhere near as bleak any more, but no matter what the future held she knew they’d make it through, because they had each other and that was all Rowan really needed.