Chapter 16
There’d been a handful of occasions during their marriage when Rowan had expressed concern to James about their lack of intimacy.
It was usually after a conversation with friends, like the one she’d had with Pippa and Odette just before she’d discovered his affair, when she’d question whether there was something fundamentally wrong with their relationship.
James would pull out all the stops to convince her that there wasn’t anything wrong, by planning some kind of romantic grand gesture.
Over the years there’d been a trip to Paris on the Eurostar to have dinner on the Champs-élysées, a diamond ring, a couple of huge bouquets and a dozen heart-shaped cupcakes delivered to her office.
People would tell her how lucky she was to have such a romantic husband, who clearly adored her, and she’d push her concerns about their lack of intimacy back down.
But the truth was she hadn’t wanted any of those grand gestures.
She’d wanted a connection between the two of them that they didn’t have with anyone else, something that placed their relationship into a different category to the ones she had with her closest friends or family.
She’d wanted fun and laughter and, yes, a physical connection to the man she’d chosen to spend her life with, but it hadn’t been there and the things James had tried to substitute it with hadn’t made up for it.
Rowan hadn’t realised quite how sad and hollow that had left her feeling until she’d got out of the situation.
She’d buried herself in work and motherhood, but since coming home to Port Agnes she’d finally allowed herself to acknowledge that she wanted more than that, and it was Nathan who’d been the catalyst for admitting those feelings to herself.
She had no idea where things between them were going to go, but reconnecting with him had proved that the feelings she’d had decades earlier hadn’t just been teenage infatuation, they were real.
A powerful physical connection with the potential for fireworks wasn’t just the stuff of novels and rom coms. She’d felt it when she was with Nathan and, even if he wasn’t meant to be a part of her life in the long term, she’d always be grateful to him for opening her eyes to the truth.
She’d allowed James to manipulate her into believing their marriage was normal, but the truth was he wasn’t entirely to blame.
She’d played her own part in manipulating herself.
She’d wanted to believe their marriage was okay, so she’d ignored all the signs to the contrary.
Now there didn’t seem to be any going back to the pretence that a platonic relationship was enough for her and she didn’t want to.
When she’d agreed to go out with Nathan, he’d called and asked her if there was anywhere in particular she wanted to go. Her response had been immediate.
‘I just want to do something fun. Nothing fancy. Why don’t you take me where you planned to take me all those years ago, when you were first going to ask me out?
’ She’d tried to keep the playful tone out of her voice, but she hadn’t quite pulled it off, because there’d been a part of her that had suspected his mind might have been on one track at that age.
He might well have planned to take her somewhere they could find some privacy, to spend the entire time kissing her and trying to take their relationship to another level.
The thought of him wanting to recreate a date like that – one that had never happened – sent tingles up her spine.
But she was terrified too, because she couldn’t help wondering if there might be something wrong with her, something that made her fundamentally undesirable when things reached that stage.
She didn’t feel that way when she was with Nathan, but anticipation could be very different to reality and the idea of being a huge disappointment to him almost made her want to pull out of the date altogether.
She was overthinking it though; Nathan wouldn’t rush her into anything she wasn’t ready for, Rowan was certain of that.
‘Okay, you asked for it.’ He’d laughed in response to her instruction. ‘Just make sure you’re wearing socks.’
‘Why do I need to be wearing socks?’
‘You’ll find out.’ She’d been able to hear the grin in his voice and picture his dark blue eyes crinkling in the corners and suddenly, whatever the date might involve, it couldn’t come soon enough.
‘Are you enjoying yourself?’ Nathan was looking at her now, and she couldn’t believe her answer wasn’t obvious.
They’d been laughing almost non-stop since arriving at the bowling alley just outside Port Tremellien, mainly because of how truly terrible Rowan was at bowling, even with the guardrails that were meant for children up to stop her ball rolling into the gutter.
After several disastrous attempts, she’d got it into her head that using the heaviest ball would mean she couldn’t bowl it hard enough for it to go off at an angle and that it would go straight down the middle instead.
In reality, before the ball had finally rolled slowly along the guardrail and knocked over two pitiful pins, Rowan had travelled part way down the lane too, dragged by the weight of the ball, Nathan had clearly been trying his best to keep a straight face, while he checked that she hadn’t hurt herself, but then he’d started to laugh.
‘I mean you could just go a bit further down and kick the pins over, or we could ask the kids two lanes up if we can borrow the launcher they’re using.
I think you need it more than they do.’ He’d gestured towards the blue plastic ramp in the shape of a dragon and she’d laughed too.
Nathan’s teasing was all in good fun, and she’d started it, ribbing him about the way he walked up to the line to ready himself before he bowled, doing an exaggerated impression of it like a graduate from the Ministry of Silly Walks.
When she’d told him after her next turn that she thought the teenage boys in the next lane were laughing at how awful she was at bowling, she’d felt the first frisson of embarrassment, wondering just for a moment if she was making a fool of herself in front of him.
But the next time Nathan had walked up to the line, he’d done a pirouette spin before releasing the ball with a grunt a tennis player would have been proud of, making sure that if the teenagers were ridiculing anyone, it wouldn’t be Rowan.
Nathan wasn’t afraid of laughing at himself and when she’d asked him to help her bowl her next shot, he’d moved behind her and checked if he could put his hand over hers to show her how he would throw the ball.
It had felt as if electricity was thrumming through her body and she’d been left almost bereft when he’d stepped away again.
About five minutes before he’d asked Rowan whether she was having a good time, she’d realised she was on the best date of her life.
She couldn’t tell him that, though, it would have sounded ridiculous. So she had to play it down.
‘It’s been really good fun and I’m so glad you decided to take me on the same date you would have done the first time around.’
‘I hope you still feel that way when I take you for dinner. A portion of chips from Penrose Plaice to share, straight out of the bag, and we can split a can of Coke too. That was top of the range for my budget back then.’
‘I think you should let me pay for dinner; it’s only fair as you paid for the bowling and that way we could have a can of Coke each.
’ Rowan laughed again, but as soon as the words were out of her mouth she wished she hadn’t said them.
She liked the idea of sharing a can of drink with Nathan.
It spoke of the kind of casual intimacy she’d never had with James, the sort of thing a normal couple might do.
‘My mother would never forgive me if she found out I let you pay for your own chips, but I’m sure I can persuade Brae to give us two straws, if he’s working today.’
‘I don’t mind sharing, if you don’t.’ Rowan felt suddenly shy and Nathan nodded.
‘I can’t think of anyone I’d rather share a can of Coke with.
’ He smiled again and she felt another huge jolt of attraction towards him, one that went right down to her toes.
The date couldn’t have been any more simple or any more perfect, and Rowan’s only regret was that it would eventually have to end.
* * *
Rowan wasn’t sure if her parents knew that she and Nathan were dating, but she suspected they did.
It was hard to believe they wouldn’t be able to pick up on the energy that seemed to fizz between them whenever she was close to Nathan.
They’d been on three dates in the last two weeks and spent time together with the children in between, and she was certain her whole family would have been delighted at the prospect of her and Nathan getting together, but it was far too soon to even consider making it public.
It didn’t really matter whether her parents had already worked it out, because none of them would discuss it in front of the children.
When her mother had asked how she felt about James potentially introducing them to a new partner, she’d said he’d have to be certain it was serious and long-term first. The children needed stability, and Theo in particular was vulnerable about things changing, so they all needed to act with caution.
Her parents understood that. The children saw Nathan as a friend and she wanted to keep it that way, although it was getting harder and harder for her to think of him in those terms.