Chapter 21 #3
‘Even if that’s true, you think that means I should just give him a second chance?
’ There was an edge to Rowan’s voice now, but they were still in the hallway, far enough away from where the boys were sitting not to be overheard.
Nathan had no idea why he was pushing it the way he was, because the last thing he wanted was for Rowan to give James another shot, but it would have made him a hypocrite if he completely closed down the idea of second chances.
‘Only you can decide if you think he’s worth that, but I have to believe that second chances can work out, or I shouldn’t even be back living in Port Agnes.
’ Nathan sighed. ‘I think any man who would risk losing you is an absolute idiot, but we’ve all done stupid things in our lives and if there’s even a chance that James is the person who can make you as happy as you deserve to be, I want you to take the chance. As your friend.’
‘What about if we’re more than friends?’ She held his gaze and the air between them seemed to fizz as she waited for him to respond.
‘If we’re more than friends, then of course I don’t want you to go back to James, but I don’t know that we are.
It doesn’t matter how much I want us to be a proper couple, it doesn’t mean anything unless you feel the same way.
’ He could so easily had taken a step forward and kissed her, but he kept his feet rooted to the same spot on the ground.
‘We’ve seen each other a handful of times without the children and it’s been great, but it’s also been a secret and I’m not sure why that is.
Not if you’re really certain there’s no chance for you and James. ’
‘I told you before, it’s because of the children and…’ She hesitated for just a moment too long, a look flickering across her eyes that seemed to confirm all his worst fears.
‘Because you’d be embarrassed if people knew you were with someone like me.
Someone who’s been to prison. What on earth would they make of you then?
’ His tone was more resigned than bitter, because he’d been here before, and he didn’t wait for her to answer.
‘Nicole couldn’t live with the prospect of me having a criminal record and we were married, so I don’t expect you to risk your reputation in a village like this, where gossip is the lifeblood that seems to keep half the population going. ’
‘That’s not true, Nathan. There might be a handful of people who think like that, but that’s on them. The vast majority of people can see all the good you do for the community and they like you for who you are. They don’t care about one mistake that you more than paid the price for.’
‘So why the insistence on sneaking around then? I get that you don’t want the children to know, when we’re still not sure what this is, but why the insistence on being so secretive with absolutely everyone? Just be honest with me, I can take it.’
Rowan signed. ‘Okay, maybe at first there was a part of me that didn’t want to be the person everyone was talking about again, just like they were after my parents’ messy divorce, but I’m over that now.’
It was his turn to raise his eyebrows. ‘In that case you’d have no problem with us going out for dinner this week, down by the harbour, where anybody could see us.’
‘I…’ She was hesitating again and he knew the answer before she even gave it.
‘I can’t yet. It’s James. If people saw us out together, there’d be even more speculation about why my marriage is over.
I’m not ready for that question to be on everyone’s lips yet.
There are things that need to be worked through and sorted out first, and conversations that need to be had with people who deserve to hear the truth from me and James.
You and I being openly together would complicate that, but I just need a little bit more time. ’
‘I wish I could believe you and I know you aren’t deliberately lying to me, but you are lying to yourself.
Even if there is some reason tied up with James that means you can’t be open about being with me, you don’t trust me enough to tell me what it is.
And the reason you don’t trust me is because of what I’ve done in the past. You don’t want the complication of being with someone like me and I don’t blame you, but I don’t want to wait around until you realise that, or pressure you to do something I know you don’t really want to do.
Whatever is happening with James doesn’t matter, because there can’t ever really be anything between you and me.
I wanted there to be, but I promised myself that when things ended with Nicole, I’d never put myself through something like that again.
I don’t want to try and force a relationship with someone who doesn’t think I can move on from being the person who went to prison.
I’m not the man who committed that crime, not any more, but I understand why sometimes I still have to pay for it. ’
‘Nathan, please, it isn’t that, and if I could tell you everything and make you understand, I would, but I promised James that I’d wait until he’s ready.
’ She couldn’t meet his eye for a moment and he felt like she was desperately trying to find some excuse for why they couldn’t take the next step.
‘There are things even the kids don’t know yet and it just feels wrong for me to share that with anyone outside the family until they do. ’
Nathan sighed, trying not to feel envious of the fact she still considered James to be a part of her family.
Of course he was and he always would be, because it was best for the children.
Nathan understood that and it was something he completely supported, but he couldn’t have any kind of future with Rowan unless he thought there was a chance there might one day be space for him in that family too and now he knew there never would be.
‘Even if James is eventually ready for everything to be out in the open, I don’t think you ever really will be, not when it comes to being with me.
But can we at least do the friends thing?
Because I’d really hate to lose that, and for the boys to lose it too. ’
‘That’s not what I want, it’s just the timing of all of this is…’
‘Off?’ He forced a smile that made his face ache. ‘We seem to specialise in our timing being off, and maybe it is the universe telling us that this is what we were supposed to be, just friends. I think that’s what we’re best at.’
‘Do you? Is that really what you want?’ She searched his face and it was his turn to lie.
‘Absolutely. So let’s do what friends do: have a cup of coffee in the kitchen and talk about our days.
You can tell me how the Ofsted thing is going and I can tell you about how difficult it’s been to source the right shade of flooring for my client’s holiday cottage.
Then you can look at the boys’ glorious artwork; it’s got aspects of Salvador Dali with a fair bit of David Attenborough thrown in. ’
His laughter felt fractionally more genuine than his smile had been, as he turned and led the way down the hallway.
It was a tiny step towards a future where he might really be able to think of Rowan as just a friend and to feel okay about that, and for now tiny steps were the best that he could hope for because this was not what he wanted.
When he was with Rowan, it was as if he could see the future he’d always longed for and he couldn’t imagine ever finding that with someone else, mostly because he didn’t even want to try.
He’d got through the toughest of times before and he’d have to find a way of doing it again; he had no choice but to try and get over her for a second time, no matter how impossible that might seem.