13. Vivian
Chapter thirteen
Vivian
“Higher, Mama, higher!” Eloise joyfully squeals as I push her a little higher on the swing. It’s hard to believe she will be starting school back up again so soon, but it’s also another step toward normalcy for both of us. Eloise shakes her head back and forth in delight, causing her gorgeous blonde curls to shake everywhere. Her giggles are my favorite sound in the entire world—if I could bottle them up, they would solve every and any problem.
If only life worked like that, if only life were that simple.
It’s great seeing her so happy, especially after how terrible last night was once again. Eloise still ends up sleeping in my bed most nights, and it breaks my heart when she wakes up screaming for her daddy. The nightmares have not gone away, and I don’t know what else to do to help my baby. It’s no longer a nightly occurrence, but she still has them more often than not and sometimes more than one in a night.
Her nightmares vary a little in what happens in them, but the common theme evolved from car accidents a few months ago to now her daddy completely disappears from a room when she tries to hug him. Following the advice from my therapist back in Chicago, I didn’t go into detail about how her father died when I told her. Eloise knows there was an accident with a gun and her daddy is in heaven now. I didn’t want to explain or include the gun part to her at all, but the concern was that if she overheard other people talking about the shooting, she may question even more and we needed to make her feel as secure as possible, while limiting details as much as possible. What four-year-old is going to understand her father being shot and killed? I’m thirty-two years old, and I have more questions than answers about the situation myself.
The need to solve a problem is in my nature. I depend on logic to make sense of things, even if I’m relying on my gut, I need to find answers to problems that make sense. It’s not the first time I’ve struggled with accepting a situation that doesn’t have an answer, but it doesn’t make it any easier.
“Viv, this isn’t healthy. You need to get out of bed and get out of this condo.” Trent leans against the doorway to our walk-in closet. “It’s been over a week; it’s time to try to take some steps to get back to normal.” My jaw drops in shock, but I have no words. I can’t believe what’s coming out of his mouth; is he serious right now? It’s been nine days since I was rushed into surgery due to hemorrhaging.
“It’s sad. No one is denying it’s sad, honey. But for whatever reason, it wasn’t meant to be. And you know your OB said you needed to get up and moving as you feel stronger to help recover faster from the surgery. You won’t get stronger staying in bed, babe,” my husband tells me.
He could’ve slapped me across the face, and I would have been less shocked.
“Oh really? I’m sorry my recovery isn’t looking like you thought it should, Trent. As soon as I stop bleeding, I’ll be sure to sign up for the next golf tournament at the club, so things appear more normal for you,” I say, my tone dripping in sarcasm. “Are you fucking kidding me right now?”
“Now Vivian, you don’t need to cuss at me,” Trent admonishes me. “The tests didn’t indicate anything inherently wrong with the fetus so once you’re cleared from your OB, we’ll try again, okay? It’s going to be okay.”
“Our son,” I correct him.
“What?”
“You mean they didn’t indicate anything inherently genetically wrong with our son, Trent.” Trent rolls his eyes as I continue, “Not a fetus, our son. I carried him for sixteen weeks, we heard his heartbeat, and I will miss him for the rest of my life.”
“It’s the same thing, Viv,” he insists.
“It absolutely is not the same thing, you asshole,” I hiss as tears once again fill my eyes.
“You’re being unreasonable, Vivian. These things happen. It’s time to get back to our life,” he says.
“I think that sounds like a great idea. In fact, it’s time you get back to the hospital. There are plenty of patients there that want your professional opinion, Dr. Stone, and until you can talk to me like my husband and father of my children, you can keep your damn opinions to yourself.” I cross my arms and glare at him.
Trent huffs, shaking his head and looks up at the ceiling. “Bianca warned me you might be overly sensitive.”
“Oh, did she? How kind of her to warn you all the way from Boston,” I reply.
“I called her while you were in surgery, Vivian. She’s a world renowned maternal-fetal medicine specialist and fetal surgeon,” Trent explains. “She’s also one of my oldest friends and told me I needed to be prepared for you to be overly sensitive about things while your hormones and emotions regulate.”
“Fuck off, Trent. Seriously, fuck right off. It’s been nine days, and I am still bleeding from losing my baby. I don’t know how you can just act like it was a minor inconvenience. Who do you think you are talking to?” Maybe because of his medical background he can so easily switch off any feelings, but how can he already be over losing our son? I don’t understand how he’s not in bed wrecked right next to me.
“Honey, it’s a major deal for you. I get that. But we can’t dwell on that, we need to move forward, and Eloise needs us all to be able to get back to normal as soon as we can. All I’m saying is maybe take a shower, take Eloise to the park, go out to lunch, get a manicure. Let’s get back to some of our regular routine, I think it will help,” Trent tries to soothe me. “I have that conference next week in Boston and I need to know you’ll be okay with me gone.”
“Oh, we will be fine with you gone, Trent. We wouldn’t want to be an intrusion to your regular routine, right? I’m so sorry, it’s so inconvenient for a death to occur when you have a medical conference to attend.” I walk out of our bedroom and slam the bathroom door shut.
The memory washes over me like an unexpected bucket of ice water dumped over my head. Did Trent even have a conference in Boston that week or was he just having a tryst with his mistress? I wonder how many other times he lied to my face about his plans when they really involved his affair. How many times did he make me look like an absolute fool? Shaking my head, I am once again embarrassed by being so naive when it comes to his indiscretions. He was so … cold to me after the miscarriage, like it was an inconvenience to him to have his wife grieving our son. I remember being so disgusted and angry with him, not even recognizing the man who slept next to me in bed.
“Mama, watch me go down the slide! Come on!” Eloise snaps me back to the present as she hops off the swing and runs to the other side of the playground with a big smile on her face, even at seven-thirty in the morning. Eloise’s nightmare struck just after 3:15 a.m. and she didn’t sleep well after it. We were both awake at six and I decided to get an early start on our day. We went to Java Jive for breakfast, well Eloise went for breakfast and had a huge muffin while I had a giant iced latte with an extra shot of espresso. I watch Eloise climb the stairs on the playground to reach the taller slide at the top as my phone vibrates in my pocket.
MK
Morning, love! Does a park date still work for you today? Please say yes, I need to get out of my house. Drew is on that golf trip and I desperately need adult conversation!
I laugh as I reply to her text.
Me
Hi honey, I have you beat—we’re already here. Come when you can, we’ll see you soon!
MK reacts to my message with a heart emoji and I glance at the time. One of the perks of living in a small town, I know it will take her all of five minutes to get here from their small acreage just outside of town. Her husband Drew is some kind of financial guru without a farming bone in his body, but MK grew up on a farm just south of town. She always wanted space for their kids to run and play with a place for her to have horses so Drew delivered MK her dream.
Drew and MK are the ultimate couple. They are both individually so solid with strong personalities but the two of them are a true partnership in every sense of the word. Even though MK is a stay-at-home mom, Drew will be the first to point out his success is only because of her support and partnership. He frequently says, “I only have what I have because she has had my back and been by my side every step of the way.” They give me hope that not everyone’s love story is a complete fallacy. Drew and MK are never allowed to divorce though, as it would shatter any remaining hope I have in happily ever after occurring in real life, instead of just in my favorite romance novels.
I know good guys still exist out there, like Drew, my brothers, or a certain handsome Special Agent Man that was not at all happy when he heard about the recent poem through the grapevine instead of directly from me. Walker and I spoke on the phone the day he found out about it. It was actually kind of sweet how he sounded like a growly bear on the phone. He had strongly worded opinions clarifying any confusion I may have had, and I now know to call him, whether embarrassed or not, if anything else happens. While I haven’t received a single text from his colleague Harlow, Walker sends almost daily text messages checking in, but they feel more personal than professional. Although I really don’t mind at all—in fact—I find myself looking forward to his texts. As if he can read my mind from Nashville, my phone vibrates with a text from the man himself.
Walker
Morning, Viv. How are y’all doing this morning? How did Eloise sleep last night? I tried that blended frappe you suggested this morning and I should send you my dentist bill for how sweet it was. Also, my assistant’s face when she saw me drinking it was downright laughable. Really should be called a blended bullshit.
Me
lol! Oh sorry, did you think I suggested that for you to enjoy it? I thought it would keep everyone else on their toes. Never know what to expect from you, Special Agent Man. It was a rough night—I think I’ve earned a super sweet caffeine concoction, even though Eloise is running around like she got a full night’s sleep.
Walker
Damn, sorry to hear that. Is there anything I can do to help?
Me
I wish. We just keep trying all the things, you know? Something has to eventually work. I’m exhausted but at least she’s happy. I’m just waiting for MK to join us with her kids at the park.
Walker
I’m just about to step into a meeting. I hope you have a good rest of the day, even if tired. Have fun with your friend.
Me
Thanks, Walker. Talk to you soon.
The smile that spreads across my face from texting with him is almost as energizing as the coffee I just finished.
After Eloise has gone down the slide for the fifth time, I hear the friendly, “Hey girls!” from the small parking lot next to the park. MK waves as her four kids run over to join Eloise on the playground. She has her long blonde hair up in a ponytail today and is wearing the mom uniform of shorts, a vintage T-shirt of some 80s rock band, and flip flops—an outfit that she makes look effortlessly cool. She is effortlessly cool though, I think she could pull off a paper bag and make it look cute.
“If you were already at the park at 7:35 a.m., then my littlest bestie must have had you up with the roosters today,” MK says as she pulls me in for a quick hug. We take a seat on the shaded park bench while our kids play together. “Would you have done this in Chicago?” MK asks.
“What do you mean? Go to a park?” I ask.
“No, I mean meet up with friends at the park before 8 a.m. on a Wednesday,” MK replies as she slides her sunglasses up to sit on the top of her head.
“Probably not. The friends we had in Chicago were always much more work than that, everything had to be planned well in advance. Most of them had nannies full-time so if we were to get together without the husbands or families, they usually wouldn’t even have their kids with them,” I tell her as I watch Eloise giggle at something MK’s son did.
“Hmm. Well, then I guess I don’t have to worry too much about convincing you that this move home should be permanent.” MK nudges my shoulder with a small smile.
“I don’t think you have to twist my arm.” I lean into her shoulder in response. “It’s been so nice to have easy moments like this and the support of my family. If I need a break or need to deal with something I don’t want Eloise overhearing, I have a list of people to call. I didn’t have that in Chicago, I had our neighbor Jill and her daughter when she was home from college, but everything—and I mean everything—required planning.” I pause as I think back to my life in Chicago. “Really everything in my life was a lot of work, from childcare to my marriage. The only thing that came easy was loving my little girl.”
MK hums and we sit in silence for a moment before she asks, “Are you at a place where you’re comfortable talking about that a little more? I haven’t wanted to push since the funeral, but you know I have questions.” MK looks at me with sincere eyes.
I sigh before answering. I knew this would come eventually. “I know, and I appreciate you giving me space and not bombarding me with questions when I was drowning. What do you want to know?”
MK takes a deep breath and pauses before answering, “Well, two things specifically. One, what was the true state of your marriage before everything went down?”
“And the other thing?”
She tilts her head. “It’s related I guess, but did you have any inkling about the affair beforehand? I can’t remember you ever raising any concerns before everything happened, but I feel like you would’ve mentioned it during one of our phone calls if you thought something was going on.”
A humorless chuckle escapes me. “Isn’t that the million-dollar question? Ugh. Okay, so to your first question, things were … not great. After we had the miscarriage, I feel like we somehow lost a piece of us. Or maybe I just thought we were stronger than we really were. I definitely took the loss harder than he seemed to, and I think that also made me angry at him that he wasn’t more affected,” I answer honestly.
“Honey, I’m sure he was affected, but how did things change between y’all?” MK asks, and I know it’s free of any judgment.
“We became strangers in a lot of ways. When we were together, we fought more often than not, so I found it easier to just avoid him. Looking back, I wonder if he was also avoiding me as he became more invested in his affair. I haven’t told anyone else this, but the last three months before he died … he slept in the guest room more than our bedroom,” I tell MK as I watch Eloise play tag with MK’s kids. “And even when he was in our bedroom, we were only sleeping. There was no affection, no romance, no connection. I couldn’t even tell you the last time I kissed him, but it was long before he died. In hindsight, I think our marriage was dying long before he actually died. But I didn’t want to quit, you know? I thought Eloise deserved better than parents that gave up on each other because life got hard. I think I felt guilty too because I knew my grief made things harder for us.”
“Maybe. But maybe you deserved better than that too, you know?” MK squeezes my hand. “You won’t admit it to yourself yet, but as your friend, I’m going to tell you until you believe it. Honey, you deserved way better, even before taking into consideration the lack of support he was giving you as you grieved your son.”
“I don’t know if it’s because he was a doctor, but he never referred to him as his son or our baby, did you know that? He would just call it ‘the miscarriage’ or ‘the fetus’ but when I was sixteen weeks pregnant, it was a lot more than just a bad period. In addition to the emotional parts of everything, there was physical pain, but moms don’t really get sick days,” I admit without looking at MK.
“You mentioned a few weeks ago that Liam was going to look into things for you. Was he able to figure out how long Trent was having the affair?”
“I initially thought it started after we lost our son, but Liam did whatever Liam does and found out all kinds of information after Trent’s death. I don’t know a specific date, but Liam told me there’s evidence Trent was having an affair with her for at least four years, but it’s quite possible it went longer than that as some of his digital records were lacking.” MK’s mouth drops in shock as I share that information. “I know, that’s pretty bad, huh? I assumed he started the affair because of how I was handling or not handling the loss, but apparently … I wasn’t enough for a long time before even that.” This is the first time I’ve voiced these thoughts that have been churning in my head and heart for some time.
MK takes a drink of her coffee before asking me, “Can we play the what-if game?” I nod. “What if you found out about the affair but Trent hadn’t been killed. What would you have done?”
“I’ve thought about that, especially with everything my parents went through.” The struggles my parents went through are common knowledge in Forrest Falls. When you live in a small town, privacy is an illusion, so when Daddy strayed it wasn’t a secret for long. No one was brave or decent enough to tell Mama until word got back to one of her best friends, who immediately let Mama know. It’s also common knowledge that Mama and Daddy both fought for their marriage, and they really were happy that last decade before her death. They were stronger for it, even if it was hard to get to that point.
“I know some marriages can make it through something like that but I don’t know that our marriage would have, especially if I had known the length of the affair.” I pause as a small gust of wind passes through the park. “To me, there’s a big difference between someone being drunk and kissing someone or even sleeping with them once. That’s still cheating and a mistake but that’s a one-time thing, you know? To have an ongoing affair, let alone one that spanned years means he chose her over our marriage, over me, over Eloise, time and time again. I don’t think I could forgive that.”
“I really wish I could chew him out. Or maybe like, throw a shoe at his dumb head, and maybe knock some sense into him.”
“Me too, MK. Me too,” I sigh in response. “But I don’t get to do that, do I? That opportunity was stolen from me, and I’m left a widowed single mother, who happens to be really pissed off at her dead husband. I’m supposed to be a grieving widow, missing the love of my life, and while I miss him for who he was to Eloise, I don’t miss him like I probably should.”
“Says who?” MK asks.
“I don’t know, but I feel bad,” I admit. “Like I should miss him more or be sadder about the fact that Trent as the man, my friend, my lover, and my husband is gone, not just sad because he was Eloise’s dad.”
“Well, maybe you would have felt differently if he had been upholding all of those roles before his death,” MK says with an eyebrow raised. “Honestly, it sounds like he was taking the easy way out of the marriage. Instead of fighting for it with you, he went to what and who was easy. I’m not an expert but I don’t think there are rules for how you are or are not supposed to grieve. And if Trent wanted out of the marriage, then he should’ve been man enough to let you know how he felt instead of lying to you,” MK tells me.
“Yeah, that’s a big part of it too. There were so many lies, and I hate that there may still be even more that I don’t know about. I’m so sick of being blindsided … and being made the fool,” I confess.
“No, ma’am! Nu-uh. You are not a fool!” MK admonishes me.
“Yes, I am. Trent and Bianca Fucking Bishop ensured that I was made to be quite the fool. I can only imagine what our former friends in Chicago have all said about me or our marriage since everything happened.”
“Well, I think it’s clear they weren’t true friends.” MK slides an arm around me and pulls me into a side hug. “And we’ve got you, both of you. If anyone makes you feel like a fool, you just let us know and we will put them in their place real quick.”
“Oh, don’t I know it!” I smile because I know my childhood best friends have my back. MK may have lightly teased me about it earlier, but she doesn’t need to worry about us moving back to Chicago. Why would I ever choose to be alone when I could be surrounded by friends like her? If we should stay in Forrest Falls is an easier decision than if I want to start my day with coffee—the answer is going to be a yes.
“Drew said that Joe asked him about you the other day.” MK casually changes the subject. “Is that something you would ever be interested in?”
“Joe, as in like, Joe Wilson?” I scrunch my nose up in confusion as to what she’s really asking me here.
“Yes, ma’am. He’s cute and he’s a good guy, but it’s okay if he isn’t your type.” I didn’t know Joe very well in high school, but in a small town, everyone knows each other.
“I guess I’ve never thought of Joe that way. He’s a nice guy, don’t get me wrong, but there isn’t a spark there. Also, and don’t take offense to this, but I prefer my men tall, dark, and handsome. Blonde guys … meh.” I shrug. “They just don’t do much for me.” Even though Trent had blonde hair.
“Hey now! Drew is blonde!” MK defends her husband with mock outrage as I laugh.
“I know! That’s why I said no offense!” I laugh and our conversation moves on to lighter topics like school starting soon, and MK venting about the insane schedule of her son’s traveling baseball team. It makes my heart so happy to be sitting at the park next to one of my lifelong friends, watching our kids play together.
“Yoo-hoo! Good morning, ladies!” I turn as the unofficial queen bee of Forrest Falls walks over to us with a wave and a big smile. Marcie Claire is decked out in a hot pink matching jogging set, large diamond stud earrings, a sparkling tennis bracelet, and I think I even spot gemstones on her sneakers.
“Good morning, Mrs. Riley. How are you today?” I reply as we both wave hello.
“Oh, I’m just enjoying this beautiful day in our lovely little town! Isn’t this weather amazing? I hope the humidity gives us a little break today,” she replies as she dabs at sweat on her forehead. “What are you two ladies up to this morning? Spilling all the hot tea?”
“Yes, ma’am. Our mamas taught us right.” MK raises her coffee in a toast as we all laugh in response.
“Of course they did, honey,” Marcie Claire says. “I’m glad I ran into you, Vivian. I’m hoping you’re considering joining the Forrest Falls Women’s Society like we talked about. We need vibrant young women like you two joining our ranks. And if not the Society, then maybe the Garden Club would be a good fit.”
“I haven’t decided if it’s quite the right time for me to take on another commitment, at least not until we’re a little more settled. But I promise to give it serious thought, ma’am.”
“I’m glad to hear that, dear. And even if you don’t join, I was wondering if we could meet for tea sometime? We’re running into a few snags with the wording of our society’s chapter guidelines, and I have some questions about our nonprofit status filing that maybe you could help me with. I would be willing to pay you, of course,” Marcie Claire says with a smile.
“I would be happy to take a look at that, but couldn’t Clark or Chase clear up any legal issues for you?” I ask.
“Oh honey, Chase hasn’t thought about anything nonprofit since he was in law school!” Marcie Claire jokes. I smile in response but I’m not sure why she assumes I would know more than her own son. I am well-versed in contractual business law, but nonprofit issues are an entirely different topic. “And Clark will just pass me off to some paralegal. But there’s no rush, maybe we can get together after little Ellie starts school. Colleen said she was able to get into Forrest Hills Academy, which is so wonderful!”
Once again, Marcie Claire fails to use my daughter’s name correctly, but before I can say anything to correct her, Marcie Claire announces, “I better finish my walk, the day is short and my to-do list is long. Have a nice day, ladies!”
“Have a good day, ma’am,” MK and I say in unison as we watch her walk away. Marcie Claire doesn’t even make it a block before she stops to talk to someone else. I don’t know if she’s walking to get exercise for her body or for her mouth as she gossips.
“Nothing gets by that woman in this town,” MK says under her breath. “Except our parties in high school at their lake house, that is.” We both break out in laughter.
“Excuse me, Miss Vivian?” I turn and see one of the baristas from Java Jive walking toward us carrying two drink carriers.
“Hey Kim, what’s up?” I stand to meet her.
“Well, this is a first, but I have a special delivery for you and Miss MK. A friend of yours called in and asked to order whatever y’all typically get and then a lemonade for each of your kids.” Kim’s grin tells me that this juicy gossip will be around town before lunchtime.
“And who would this benevolent friend be, hmmm?” MK pipes in.
“The order was from a Walker Bennett, and he insisted on tipping me very generously to walk the whole two blocks over and hand-deliver them to y’all.” Kim hands the drink carriers over and waves before heading back to the coffee shop.
“Well, I’ll be damned. That sure is a nice friend you’ve got, honey. I like this friend for you.” MK bumps my shoulder with a wink as I blush at Walker’s thoughtful gesture. “I know caffeine is the way to this mama’s heart, just don’t tell my husband another man bought me coffee.” We laugh but there’s truth in her statement—Drew is territorial when it comes to MK, but I know she loves it. We visit a bit longer while enjoying the hand-delivered beverages and I can’t fight the smile on my face .
“Alright baby, let’s say goodbye to our friends and then we can stop by Papa’s place to say hey,” I call out to Eloise. She says goodbye to MK’s kids as I give my friend a hug.
MK squeezes me a little tighter before letting me go. “I know life feels messy right now, but you’re doing a great job, Viv. You know that, right? Even if things are complicated and hard, you’re a great mama. Anytime you need to be reminded of that, you let me know,” MK says with a wink.
“Thanks, MK. You’re the best.” I mean it, she really is the best friend I could ask for and I’m so grateful for her.
“And Viv, as your friend, I must forbid you from joining that stuffy old Women’s Society. What a boring group of ol’ heifers who want to complain about everything that’s wrong with our beautiful town!” MK declares and I laugh in response. “Also, her husband and son are both lawyers. Why does she need you to look at her legal stuff for the nonprofit? If anything, someone in their firm could help her, I’m sure.”
“I thought the same thing. I think she just wants a reason to connect with me again, I know she always liked me. I remember when Marcie Claire used to have tea with Mama. Not that she ever really wanted to go, but Mama always accepted the invitation like a lady.”
“Well, she probably misses you when compared to Chloe. Did I tell you we had to have a double date with them last week? Oh, Viv, it was awful. I think she really might be part witch,” MK jokes. “I know Drew and Chase are best friends, but I cannot stand that girl.” MK rolls her eyes. “I guess she has to put up with Marcie Claire but still!”
“I’m thankful I can say that Marcie Claire never was, nor will ever be, my mother-in-law.” I joke. “Small mercies and all of that.”
“Small mercies, indeed!” MK declares and gives Eloise a high five followed by a hug. “Call me later, okay? ”
I agree and give MK a hug goodbye before clicking Eloise into her car seat. “Ready to go, baby?” I ask Eloise as I get in the front of the car.
Eloise gives me two thumbs up. “Yes, ma’am. Hey Mama, do you know what?”
“What’s that, baby?”
“I love you in my heart,” she tells me, stealing my breath with how sweet my girl is to me.
“I love you in my heart too.” I fight the tears that try to escape. “So much baby, so much.”