32. Vivian
Chapter thirty-two
Vivian
“Did Liam really think we wouldn’t notice the linebackers following us around?” I tilt my head toward one of the three men that seem to be wherever I am the last three days.
“I mean, it’s Liam, so I don’t think he cares if we notice or not. He’s going to do what he thinks is best.” Savannah looks over her shoulder at one of the tanks that’s become my new shadow. “Poor guy doesn’t even fit very well in a booth here.”
The bodyguard is clearly smushed into the booth near us and I feel a little bad about that. I’ve been staying home more than usual over the last few days, but Savannah convinced me to join her for breakfast at the diner after we dropped off the girls at school. “What are you in the mood for today? I think I might get the ham and cheese omelet.” She scans the menu, weighing her options. “Oooo, or maybe the berry French toast, that looks really good.”
“I was thinking the French toast too. But I would also like a side of what is going on and why did you drag me out of the house today?” I set my menu down on the table.
Savannah tilts her head, unashamed of the accusations. “I did kind of drag you, but I’m not sorry. I don’t want you to be afraid to leave the house. I don’t want anything to hold you back from living your life, honey.”
I look at my sister and know there’s more that she isn’t saying. “And what else? ”
She blushes, lifting her hands in surrender. “Okay, okay, I also wanted to chat about a certain Special Agent and check in to see where your head is with all of that,” she admits. Before I can reply, our waitress stops by to take our order and refill our coffee cups. Mamas always need coffee refills.
I look around before leaning forward so I can try to keep this conversation between us, instead of the entire town. Local gossip is a necessary evil of small towns, but I do my best to avoid being the topic of discussion. “What is it that you want to know?”
“It is clear as the sky is blue that the two of you have feelings for each other, but other than a few tidbits about your daily texting and the occasional phone calls, you haven’t really said that much about it. I suspect that’s in part because most of the time we have little ears around, but those sweet angels are in school, so spill. What’s he like? Is he similar to Trent in any way or is everything different?”
“Walker is definitely different from Trent in so many ways.”
“Like what? Other than I don’t think he would ever forget your birthday.”
“No, I can’t ever see him doing that.” My last birthday before Trent died, he forgot it. He tried to cover it up and play it off, but when I opened the card he gave me that night, I found a sticky note inside from his assistant saying my birthday was September fifteenth and to let her know if she needed to order me a gift again this year. Trent didn’t even watch me open the card, so I put the sticky note back on the card, set it down on the counter, and walked out of the room without saying a word. We didn’t talk for two days after that.
“What can you see him doing? Where is your head with this? And what does your heart say about that handsome Special Agent Man? ”
“He is quite handsome, isn’t he?” She nods in response, while giving me a big smile. “You’re right, I do have feelings for him, but it’s complicated because he’s involved in the investigation of Trent’s murder. Also, I don’t know if it’s too soon for me to have feelings for someone else. And at the same time, I feel like I shouldn’t be held to any kind of timetable when it comes to my feelings after everything that Trent did before he died.”
“Okay, so let’s pause the whole my husband was murdered part of that, and let’s unpack just your feelings for a second. What is it that you like about Walker?” Savannah is clearly borrowing what was one of our mama’s favorite strategies. She would always tell us to pause part of a problem and focus on the smaller pieces, instead of being overwhelmed by a complicated situation.
I consider how to best to answer her and find myself smiling thinking about Walker. “The first thing I noticed about him was his presence, and not just his physical body which is honestly beautiful, but the way he carries himself. Walker is confident, strong, and in control. It’s like I can somehow feel him when he enters a room, like it changes the way the entire room feels to me.”
“And how does he make you feel?” Savannah leans back into the booth and takes a sip of her coffee.
“I don’t know if I would admit this to anyone but you right now. Maybe it’s because of the case, but he makes me feel … precious, like he wants to carefully hold me to keep me safe. I told you about the magic I feel when we physically touch, and I thought maybe that was a fluke thing but it hasn’t stopped. I’ve never felt something like that before, like I have a magnetic connection to him. I’m not only drawn to him, but when I’m near him, it feels so right on a level that I don’t know if my soul has ever felt before. And all of that? All of that scares the ever-living daylights out of me, Sav. ”
“What? Why? What scares you?” Savannah sits up straight, leaning forward, clearly surprised by my admission.
“It scares me because I don’t want to have my heart broken, and if I trust someone again, I risk being hurt again. It also scares me that it’s not just me, but if I were to explore anything with Walker or really anyone else, I have Eloise to consider too. I’m not trying to make anything in life harder for her than it already is after everything. Did she tell you she slept in her own bed last night?” Savannah nods as I continue, “That’s the first time since we moved here she made it the entire night. Her therapist told her to try when she felt brave enough, and she said she felt extra brave last night and wanted to try. She crawled into my bed around four this morning, but I’m still counting it. There have been what, like maybe three nightmares in the last week, which is a huge improvement from multiple ones every single night.”
“So those fears sound like worst-case scenario to me, honey. What about the best-case scenario?”
“Best-case scenario would be … well, that would probably be that he and I would have something real. Walker would become a regular part of our lives I suppose. It would also mean I would be in a relationship where I’m loved and respected by someone who has my back and wants to keep me safe both physically and emotionally. I can’t really explain it, but Walker makes me feel so safe in every sense of the word. Ever since I found out about Trent’s affair, I’ve felt … on edge because I thought I was in a good place, but I was fooled. So I’ve had my walls up to protect myself and to protect my daughter. But Walker just annihilates any wall I try to put up against him and somehow makes me thankful each and every time he does. He’s just so steady and good, Sav. I didn’t know it was possible to feel this way, and the feelings were so strong and so soon after I met him.”
“Do you know what I think that sounds like to me?” The corner of Savannah’s lips turn up in a small smile.
“What’s that?”
“I think it sounds like magic. And I think it sounds really, really good for both you and Eloise.” Savannah’s face breaks into a big grin.
“I think you could be right.”
“Of course I am. Viv, you deserve all the good and all the magic, you know that, right? It might be scary but after everything you’ve been through, any first step toward something new will be a little scary. But I think he might be worth it, honey.”
My sister is right; I think he might be more than worth the risk. I just have to be willing to take that leap of faith, and if I do, I somehow just know that he will catch me every time.