41. Vivian
Chapter forty-one
Vivian
I finish her mermaid braid as Eloise bounces with excitement. “Mama, can I go? Please? Please? Livy, Emily, and Lucy are probably already claiming their spots! Did you know how much candy Uncle Jack was bringing tonight?” Eloise never wants to miss out on a fun time, especially when her uncles are hosting a movie night pizza party for only the uncles and nieces.
“Yes, baby. I know you’re excited, but I needed to finish your hair. I think you are good to go,” I tell her as she hops off the kitchen stool and runs to grab her favorite princess blanket to scoot out the door. They must all be waiting for Eloise in the patio area as girly screams of joy bombard the guest house’s small living room when she opens the front door. “Got it, bye Mama! Love you!” Eloise yells over her shoulder before slamming the door after herself. I should probably tell her to close the door softer, but it’s so nice to see her just being a typical kid who is excited about something good. Odds are pretty good that she will end up falling asleep in Shane and Savannah’s theater room before the movie is even over, which wouldn’t be the first time.
The guest house isn’t large but there always seems to be something to organize or clean with a very active four-almost-five-year-old. My living room, dining area, and kitchen are all connected and open so if one area is messy, every area feels in disarray. I continue tidying up the kitchen while smiling, knowing my baby is making happy core memories tonight with my brothers and her cousins. It sure would be nice if it were possible for me to create enough happy memories to overshadow her hard memories of the last year. That may not be how it works but that won’t stop me from trying to give her as much good as possible.
I grab a random hair tie off the counter and throw my long hair up in a loose bun on the top of my head. Some days my hair is a little wavy, some days it’s straight, and some days it’s just wild. Today has been a wild day and I’m done fighting it. Picking up my phone, I turn on the satellite radio to my favorite country station to stream throughout the house.
As I close and start the dishwasher, a soft double knock at my front door gets my attention. I glance at the screen of the smart speaker on the kitchen counter, seeing it’s one of my brothers I holler, “Come on in!”
Jack walks in looking content with his trademark smile, which is a nice reprieve from the dark circles I saw under his eyes last time. When he’s with our family, it’s one of the only scenarios where he allows himself to let his guard down, instead of the poised, polished, grumpy billionaire the public expects of him.
“Hey, Vivian. How’s it going?” Jack shuts the door before striding over to engulf me in the wonderful bear hugs my big brother gives his sisters. I’m not necessarily short at five-foot-seven but Jack is forced to bend down to properly hug me at almost six-foot-four. As he wraps his arms around me, I realize he must be the same height, if not very close, as Walker. After our night together, I’ve given up trying to not think about Walker and find myself thinking about him multiple times in a day.
“Hey there Jack, I’m good. How are you doing?” I step back with a grin. “Do you already need a break from the screaming girls?” I tease my brother. He’s single and doesn’t have kids yet and while I’m sure he will be a great dad one day, he’ll need to learn to let go of the control he holds so tightly to everything in his life. Although that tight control has also probably contributed to the wild success of his streaming company. I thought when he turned forty last year that he would be ready to settle down, but so far, he hasn’t brought anyone around the family since college.
“I think our brothers can handle the Fearsome Foursome for a few minutes.” He laughs.
Gasping, I’m taken aback at the idea of our sweet girls being fearsome. “Oh no, is that their nickname now?”
“Did you know Olivia got a new set of nail polish? It has twenty-four colors, including five different shades of purple. I didn’t know there were five shades of purple, Viv. But I’m sure Ryan and Finn can model their toenails for you later tonight to show you each shade,” Jack replies with a raised eyebrow.
“I know. Who do you think bought her the new set?” I point to myself with a laugh and wink at my big brother. “Have a seat, can I get you anything to drink?”
“I wouldn’t say no to a cold beer if you have one.” Jack folds his tall body as he sits on the cream overstuffed sectional. I grab two beers out of the fridge and pop the tops off before joining him.
Jack takes his beer and lifts it in my direction before taking a drink. “I feel like I haven’t had a chance to check in with you lately, so I just wanted to pop in and see how you’re doing, like really doing.” Jack lowers his chin and despite not having children, throws the perfect dad look at me.
I take a drink of my own beer as I ponder his question instead of giving a knee jerk response. “I think it’s fair to say I’m alright overall.” He cocks his head and raises an eyebrow at me. I know he isn’t going to accept surface level answers right now. “There are moments and maybe even entire days that are good. They’re like a breath of fresh air and keep me going because there are other moments or days where I feel like I’m still holding my breath. ”
Sipping on my beer, we sit in silence for a few moments before I take a deep breath and continue, “With Eloise turning five next month, it also means Trent will have been gone an entire year. I refuse to call that day the anniversary of his death, I won’t sully Eloise’s birthday like that but unfortunately those two events are now forever intertwined, which honestly, really pisses me off, Jack.”
“It sucks for Eloise that it’s the same date, and I think it’s more than fair to be pissed off about a lot of things regarding Trent’s death.” Jack scowls and I know he’s including Trent’s affair in that statement. “I heard someone say the other day at Java Jive that they thought they saw the famous actress Elena in town. You don’t know anything about that do you? I hope it was the actual actress and not the she-devil doppelganger you slapped, which I’m still mad I didn’t get that recorded for posterity.”
“That makes two of us on both accounts. Let’s hope it was just a coincidence and Bianca Bishop stays in Boston forever. I hope I never have to see her again.” I’m still hurt by the discovery of the fact that my marriage was over way before he died. It may have taken me a while to see it that way, but therapy and time have helped to put it in perspective for me. “Our marriage was over before his last breath; I just wasn’t aware of it yet. But this last year, I’ve had to try to navigate losing my husband while being made a fool in front of everyone in our life.”
“I never thought you were a fool, Viv. If anyone was a fool, it was Trent. He had the best wife and mother to his child, and an incredible child, yet he chose to betray you both. That’s on him, not on you, darlin’,” Jack assures me. “You know none of us think you were a fool, so you can stop thinking that when it was on him.”
“That’s just it though, isn’t it? He chose to betray and lie to me. Sure, he never chose to be shot and killed, right? But his choices put him in front of that hotel on that morning.” I shrug. “I know we were in a rough patch after losing our son, but I never thought we were anywhere near over. Even when I asked Liam to find out everything he could about the affair after Trent’s funeral, I was still shocked when he told me the affair had actually been going on for years. That information, it just … shifted something inside me. Maybe it should have devastated me more, but I think it actually freed me a little. I think before Liam told me that, there was a part of me that blamed myself for his cheating,” I admit.
Jack’s head jerks back in disbelief. “How would it ever be on you?”
“Because of how hard I was grieving, and how different we processed the loss. I assumed I pushed him to Bianca because I was in such a dark place. But when I found out it had gone on so much longer than that, it released me from the guilt.” I pause before admitting something that very few people know. “Trent was cheating on me when I thought we were doing great. There’s a good chance he was cheating even before Eloise was born and I never, ever would have suspected that.”
“What an asshole. I wish I was able to have a conversation with him and my fists about that. Regardless of when he started the affair, it isn’t on you, sweetheart. You guys may have had issues in your marriage, but he didn’t fight for you, instead he chose to break his wedding vows,” Jack growls.
“My therapist helped me realize that I can only control my actions and reactions. I can’t control the choices he made, but I can control what I do with what I know now. I’ve had to process a lot of anger and betrayal. I’m sure it will be an ongoing process, but once I accepted the fact that our marriage was over before his death, it lightened the emotional load I was carrying.”
“How so?” Jack takes another sip of his beer.
“Well, I guess I was no longer grieving the love of my life,” I admit out loud for the first time to someone other than my therapist. Jack’s eyebrows shoot up as he looks confused at that statement. “I was grieving my former lover and—”
“Nope. Full stop. Absolutely not. Please do not ever say lover to your big brother in any context,” Jack shakes his head as he interrupts me and then takes a big gulp of his beer.
“Ha, fair. Okay, I was grieving someone I loved,” Jack nods his appreciation at my choice of wording, “and used to trust. I was grieving the father of my daughter. I had to grieve for my daughter’s loss, along with the fact that she was going to grow up without him. But he couldn’t have been the love of my life, because the love of my life would never have betrayed me like he did.”
“Not that I don’t agree, but would you say that about our parents? Daddy cheated on Mama, and he was the love of her life,” Jack challenges me.
“He did,” I agree. “Lord knows everyone knows he cheated, but then he fought for their marriage. He fought for her. Maybe when he was cheating on her, he wasn’t behaving like the love of her life, but when he changed his ways, fought, did the work, and continued to show up for her and their marriage, I think he earned that right. Ultimately the choice was up to Mama though, and she chose to fight with him for their marriage, continuing to choose him, even when it was hard. He was the love of her life because she chose him back.”
“And you didn’t choose Trent?” Jack asks.
“No, I thought I did at one point but knowing what I know now, even if he hadn’t been killed, we wouldn’t be together today if his affair had come to light. Life isn’t always black and white, as you know, there can be a lot of gray in a lot of areas of life. Cheating one night when you’re drunk and out making dumb decisions is one thing, but cheating by choosing to have an ongoing, years long affair is an entirely different thing. He made his choices and I get to make mine even if they’re too late to change anything.” I sigh and shake my head. “So, if I remove the very significant fact that he was killed from the emotional process and just grieve the loss of my marriage while understanding he chose someone else over me, it makes it so much easier to get over him. His death is another layer of grief, but the sting is different once I accepted he wasn’t the love of my life.”
“You deserve so much better than that, Viv,” Jack tells me as he shakes his head.
“I do, and you know what? I think it’s out there for me. I may even be closer than I ever thought to having just that. But I know it wasn’t Trent. I want Eloise to see her mama in a relationship where we both choose each other,” I say as I can’t help but think of choosing a certain Special Agent with deep mahogany eyes. “And when that happens, it’ll be the first time in her life that she will see that, and that’s sad. That’s sad that for four years, I thought she had the best.”
“She did though,” Jack responds.
“What do you mean?” I ask as I scrunch my eyebrows.
“She had the best. She had and continues to have the best mama in the world. I mean it, Viv. The way you have handled everything, especially over this last year, has been incredible. As your big brother, it’s been hard to not be able to fix things for you or protect you better from everything,” he admits with a sad smile. “I always knew you were strong, but I had no idea you were this strong. You love that little girl so well. You give her the best you can and do the best for her every single day. I’m proud of you and I know Mama would be too.” Jack pulls me into a side hug. “And when, not if Viv, but when the day comes that someone is worthy of being given the opportunity to choose you two, I know you will make sure he’s the best too.”
I don’t even try to hide the tears that have filled my eyes at his kind words. “Thanks, Jack. I appreciate that a lot. And in case I haven’t said it recently, thank you for everything you’ve done for Eloise and me the last year. I know you can’t fix everything, but you’ve done everything possible to help support and love us. I wouldn’t want to imagine the last year without you guys having our backs.”
“Of course, the Callahan Cavalry shows up, right?” I nod in response. “That’s right. I love you Viv, and I will always be here for you and Eloise, no matter what. She may have lost her daddy, but she has four uncles that are always in her corner, and ready to do whatever we can for her as though she were our own baby girl.”
I know they are nice words, but I also know my big brother means them. I nod as the emotion swelling in my heart prevents me from saying anything back to my brother. I swipe a few tears with the back of my hands, but for once these tears aren’t of grief but of gratitude. Jack would move heaven and earth for Eloise and me if either of us needed anything. He’s the ultimate protector and I’m so fortunate to not only have him as one of my big brothers but to know Eloise has him as one of her wonderful uncles.
“And if a little bird is to be believed, she and her mama may have someone else in their corner sooner rather than later?” Jack’s tone elevates, both questioning and accusing me, paired with a raised eyebrow.
“Why, I’m sure I have no idea what you are talking about, Jack.” I try to give him my best innocent look.
“That didn’t work for me when you were little and it doesn’t work now, go ahead and pack your big doe eyes away, Viv. Olivia told me she saw you all dressed up the other night and Eloise had a sleepover with her and the girls in the theater room because you didn’t come home until after breakfast the next day, ma’am. Would you like to share what you were up to that evening or where you spent the night, perhaps?” Jack looks at me expectantly, but this is not the first time one of my brothers has interrogated me about my love life. And I’m not foolish enough to engage in his questions.
“It sounds like I need to have a conversation with my darling niece about girl code.” I completely bypass his question. Jack’s phone vibrates, and he checks it to see a text letting him know the pizza has arrived. Saved by the buzz.
“You’re lucky the food is here, but this conversation isn’t over, Vivian Grace. Finish your beer and let’s head over. We decided to allow you and Savannah to join us for pizza but when dinner is over, we’re kicking you two out of the house,” he says with a mock serious face.
“Oh no, you’re forcing us to leave the house kid free? Whatever shall we do?” I laugh in response.
“Cocktails on the back patio at O’Dell’s sounds like a nice way to kill a few hours. We will drop y’all off and pick you up when you’re done,” Jack offers with a nod of his head toward the door. I stand and take our empty beer bottles over to the sink, rinsing them out before putting them in the recycle bin.
“You don’t have to tell me twice. Let’s go get some food before Finn eats all the supreme pizza.” I slip on a pair of converse sneakers.
“We both know that’s a very real possibility. I swear that kid still eats like he’s in college.” Jack is slightly green with envy.
“You’re just jealous, old man,” I tease as we walk out the guest house and up the little stone path around the pool to Savannah’s house.
“I’m not denying it, not at all,” Jack admits with a wistful look. “My metabolism is not the same as it was in college, but my bank account and diversified portfolio makes me feel a lot better about where I am now versus where I was in college. For the most part anyway ...” he trails off his last sentence as though he was going to say more but doesn’t .
I pause on Savannah’s back steps before going inside. “Is everything okay with you? I’m sorry, we just talked about me back there.”
“Yeah, everything is okay. It’s just been made clear lately how short life can be, you know? It puts things in perspective,” he answers without really answering or going deeper.
“Like what?”
“Like defining what success really means to me, and it’s no longer just about the bank account or my company’s most recent valuation. And maybe reconsidering certain things in my life or being willing to make changes in some areas in order to accomplish my goals,” he cryptically tells me.
“That all sounds very deep but I also know you, Jack. You’re an expert at not really answering the question if you don’t want to, so when the day comes that you want or need to unpack more, you let me know, yeah?” He hums and nods in agreement as he pulls me in for a side hug.
“It’s a pizza party!” Eloise yells as she flings the door open, already hopped up on a sugar high and wearing a princess crown that lights up, alternating purple and pink lights. She also has a purple feather boa wrapped around her neck and clearly had one of her cousins apply a generous amount of fuchsia blush and bright cherry lipstick. “Come and party with us, party people!” She shrieks over her shoulder as she does a dance move that looks like a cross between a train and the running man.
“Hmm. Just how much sugar did y’all bring to give our sweet babies tonight?” I tilt my head up at my brother. His rich laugh echoes off the walls.
“Apparently the perfect amount, now hustle up, you’re moving slower than molasses, girl. I refuse to be forced to only eat cheese pizza again because those hooligans ate all the pizzas with any meat on them.” He pulls me in closer just before we walk into the living room, kissing the top of my head and quietly telling me, “Love you, Viv. I’m always here, yeah?”
I smile at my big protector. “I know Jack, love you too. Now do me a favor and go distract Finn so I can steal that supreme pizza from his grubby hands.”
“Yes, ma’am, I am on it!” He rushes to grab Finn, forcing him into a loose headlock.
“What the hell, Jack? Get off me!” Finn tries to get away, but he was ill-prepared for Jack’s sneak attack.
“Sorry, but I am on a noble quest, young Finny. Now relinquish a supreme pizza to the lady or I will be forced to further mess up your perfect hair,” Jack threatens. As soon as his hair is mentioned, Finn stops fighting, drops the pizza box on the floor, and raises his hands in surrender. Moments later, I hand the box back to Jack after pulling a few slices out for myself.
“And that is why it’s important to always know your adversaries, young ladies. Take it from your Uncle Jack, if you know your enemy, you will know where to attack and get to enjoy the sweet taste of victory,” Jack tells the girls as they laugh at the two brothers.
“Tonight’s victory tastes like delicious supreme pizza,” I add.
Jack grabs his beer and leans over to cheers me. “Indeed it does, sweetheart.”