Chapter 10
HERE, HOLD MY MORALS. I’VE GOT SOME QUESTIONABLE IDEAS
MAJOR
I’m out of my goddamn mind.
Abby was going to do the social media video then head home. I had that set in my head so I didn’t act on my baser instincts, but no. Instead, she felt bad about Wade storming off and wanted to cheer him up. She grabbed a donated Lego set and waltzed up to his room like she knew exactly what to do.
Then when Jasper came back he was acting weird. He was uncomfortable, constantly looking toward the staircase, waiting for…something. It was odd and I’ve never seen him anxious like that before.
Finally, after an hour he had enough waiting and talked me into playing a board game then ran up to grab them.
He’s annoyingly persuasive and I usually have much more willpower when it comes to doing something I don’t feel like doing.
But, it doesn’t have anything to do with not wanting to play a silly board game and more to do with the fact that I want—and don’t want—more time with Abby.
I want to pursue her, but so do my guys. I should back off, but my body is pushing me in one direction while my mind is pulling me in the other.
There’s just something about her. Not just in her magnetic personality but something is telling me to take the leap with her. To see how open she is…sexually.
Considering how my ex-wife responded to me opening up to her about my sexual desires, I’m a little gun shy dropping that bomb in the form of a question to Abby.
Jasper has opened up to me in the past. Hell, he’s open with everyone but he’s told me about his escapades with both men and women and I know this is something he’d be open for.
He’s offered more than once to be the exhibitionist in my voyeur fantasy. I’ve considered taking him up on that and we came close once when we both went out for his birthday a few months back.
By the end of the night, the girl that we were both interested in had far too much to drink for either one of us to feel good about taking her home. So, we opted to get her an Uber and he and I went our separate ways. But, I’ve been daydreaming about fulfilling that fantasy ever since.
Admittedly, my thoughts have gone beyond just watching. Even though I don’t have any desire to be with another man, I wouldn’t have any issues joining in, taking turns pleasing a woman. Especially after getting my fill of watching them together.
But, it’s always just been thoughts, wet dreams, wishful thinking.
Never something I’ve thought of seriously pursuing with anyone specific, until I saw Abby today.
I’ve never had a woman bring out this craving more than she does.
And seeing her with both Jasper and Wade has my mind reeling in more taboo thoughts than I’d like to admit.
I have no idea what’s going on between Jasper and Wade, but seeing the push and pull with them lately, and that goddamn sexual tension between each other, has me wanting a front row seat when something finally happens.
Add Abby to the mix, “Fucking Christ.” I can’t help but say that out loud. It would be like Oppenheimer testing the first atomic bomb. So tense, so explosive.
A pipe dream, I’m sure.
But surprisingly, I’m actually more secure in Abby’s response than I am Wade’s. Even though my gut tells me Wade wants exactly what I’m dreaming of, he’s just too fucking stubborn to open up.
I know his ex-girlfriend hurt him and I know he juggles so much responsibility. But, if I could just get him to loosen up a bit and potentially act on the crush that I know he has for Jasper—and now Abby—I think that would help him in so many ways.
My back is toward the door as I place all the board game options on the coffee table when I hear Jasper return.
“Hey Jas, take it easy on Wade if he doesn’t feel like playing. I’m sure he’s just working through—” I stop when I turn around and see Wade standing in the doorway, waiting for me to finish that sentence.
“Working through what?” he asks calmly, factually.
I crane my neck to look behind him confused, because I was certain Jasper would return first.
“You know how insistent Jasper is. I was just trying to tell him to not push too much,” I reply, hoping he won’t ask anything more so I don’t need to open up that can of worms with him right now.
“What am I working through?” He's staring at me, jaw clenched and his gaze is serious, silently demanding an answer.
I could lie.
But I’m not going to.
“Working through your crush on Abby…” I reply and pause as his face softens. “And Jasper,” I add, and his face tightens again.
I can’t help the passing look of disappointment that crosses my face.
I get it, I do. He’s not comfortable with his feelings. Maybe he doesn’t understand them. But I’m giving him the perfect chance to talk about it.
He must see the plea in my face to open up, to say anything; that I’m here to listen to whatever he wants to say out loud because he nods.
My eyes saucer in surprise.
He’s staring straight down at the floor, avoiding all eye contact but he’s actually nodding.
His Adam's apple bobs as he swallows thickly and finally says, “Yeah.”
“Okay,” I say cautiously. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Nah.”
“Okay, let’s try that again.” I pause as I walk around the table toward the kitchen trying to act as impassive as possible. “Tell me about it.”
Grabbing two bottles of water, wishing they were beer, I toss one in his direction and he catches it squarely in his hand.
I screw off the top and take a swig, keeping my eyes trained on him, with hope that he’s not shutting me out already.
He looks around the room, then back at me and down at the floor. Finally huffing in defeat before speaking.
“Nothing can happen, so it doesn’t matter.”
“Fuck that.” I don’t typically use any type of profanities, especially at work, so my direct response has him snapping a look in my direction.
Because, it does. How he feels fucking matters.
“Your feelings matter, a whole hell of a lot actually, so don’t diminish them like they don’t. You’re used to ignoring how you feel and prioritizing others. Lily specifically,” I add.
“I’m not gay,” he says quickly.
“Neither is Jasper,” I quip back. “Gay, straight, bisexual, asexual, magical purple unicorn, whatever variation, it doesn’t fucking matter.” I want to get through to him. I’m practically begging in my tone. “Your feelings,” I point at him, “they do matter.”
He’s not used to anyone fighting for him. He’s only ever focused on what his daughter needs and always puts himself last.
“You can still care for Lily and give her the best version of yourself, regardless of your sexuality.”
He glances around the room again, placing his hands on his hips and huffs out another deep breath.
Wade’s natural communication skills are pretty much non-existent, so talking to him is the same as talking to the plastic bottle tucked in my hand, but I know he hears me.
“What would you do?” His eyes finally meet mine. “Would you act on it?”
I pause a moment, thinking back on all the things I refrained from sharing in my marriage. Years of pretending to be someone I wasn’t to appease someone else.
I’m forcing him out of his comfort zone, it’s only fair I do the same to myself.
“My wife left me because I wanted to share her.” His brows furrow at my confession. “I wanted to open up our marriage and explore sexually with her. More specifically I wanted to watch.” I swallow thickly before standing up straight. “I wanted to see her with other men.”
It’s a kink I don’t understand. I wish I did because it makes me feel like a horrible partner, so I just shrug when Wade glances over at me as he absorbs the details I just shared with him.
He’s confused, but the look on his face is less judgmental than my ex-wife’s. He at least doesn’t seem disgusted at the idea like she was.
I think back on how horribly that conversation went the moment I told her. Maybe I already knew I was losing her and thought it was a way to save our marriage, or maybe I finally felt comfortable telling her because I knew it would give her the excuse she needed to leave me.
“Have you and Jasper—?” Wade hikes his thumb over his back, cutting himself off from finalizing his question.
It’s a fair question, considering how sexually carefree Jasper is.
I shake my head. “No, no. I don’t have any desire to be with other men, but I’m not against a threesome.
For me it’s about witnessing the pleasure and,” I take a deep breath, “I can’t tell you how many passing thoughts I’ve had today of that exact scene with the three of you. ” I finally spit it out.
“Oh…” His expression is pure shock.
He runs his hand through his hair, his eyes bouncing between different spots on the floor as he probably tries to recap the memories after my divorce, trying to piece it all together.
“I had no idea about your wife, Maj. You guys were so happy and it suddenly ended, I never wanted to bring it up because I knew it was a tough topic.”
I shrug. I’m not trying to dumb down the situation but what happened, happened. It was hard but it was harder pretending to be someone I wasn’t.
“Everything worked out like it should have. I don’t have to hide who I am from the person that should love me unconditionally. Hopefully, one day I’ll be able to find that again.”
My statement is about me, but it’s meant for him.
A look of understanding crosses his face. He opens his mouth to reply but laughter from the hallway kicks both of us out of the conversation, as Jasper and Abby walk through the doorway.