Chapter 18
EIGHTEEN
AIDEN
I think I’m supposed to be crying.
As I exit the funeral home, having just spent the morning at Jennifer’s wake, I find it odd that I haven’t shed a single tear. If anything, I’ve cried more for Zeus than I have for her. Still, she might not have been the nicest to me, but we were together for seven years—since I turned eighteen—and that’s supposed to mean something.
But I don’t really feel anything.
Yes, you do.
Good riddance.
I twitch, scratching at my neck to try and drown away those thoughts. No, I am sad. A life was taken and I’m sure I’m just processing the grief at my own pace. The tears will come. They have to.
Otherwise, I’m?—
I breathe in deeply, getting into my car as the chilling Alaskan winter fades. I’ve been feeling out of sorts in the few days since her death. Those wayward thoughts are popping up more and more and nothing is managing to make them go away. It’s unsettling because I don’t know how much more pressure my brain can take until my skull cracks and the darkness begins to leak out.
I tighten my hands on the steering wheel, forcing a smile on my lips. Everything is fine. Everything… It’s all okay. I take the main road away from the funeral home and head toward the park. I know it’ll most likely be deserted right now, seeing as it’s far too cold for anybody to be out and about, but I’ve never been bothered by icy chills.
I make it to the park and grab my knitting bag before exiting the car. Something familiar will be nice. Just a way to make my mind a blank canvas. A way to escape. Keeping my hands busy so they don’t?—
Do it.
You know you want to.
LET US OUT.
I head to my favorite tree, whistling under my breath, the song almost like a haunting melody in the still air. I take my blanket out of my bag and lay it on the snowy ground, knowing my ass will get wet regardless. I sit, taking in my surroundings, and am blessedly content in the quiet and solitude.
I bite my bottom lip as I start a familiar pattern. One rib stitch here, a garter stitch there, and I don’t know how much time has passed. All I know is that peace is something I rarely find, but it’s interrupted before I know it.
It’s not a sound that makes me snap my head up but a feeling. It’s like the air suddenly becomes thick with tension, the cold slithering up my arms and across my neck, causing the hairs there to stand up straight. It’s an eerie feeling of foreboding that consumes me, inside and out, until I become very, very still.
That’s when I see him. Levi. The strange man I met a while ago. He’s walking toward me with one hand in his pocket while the other fidgets with the scarf around his neck. He’s taking purposeful steps, and a mix of nerves and anticipation fill me.
He’s still as striking as he was when I first met him. Silver scars on his top lip, through his right brow, on his left jawline. Those clear gray eyes that hold someone captive. The general air of discomfort he brings with him makes me squirm. I know I’m staring, but it’s just my body’s reaction. I don’t think I could control it if I tried. It’s like he’s one of those paintings on display at a museum, not because of its beauty, but because of the mystery behind it.
“Hello,” he says when he reaches me, the word coming out strained from between his lips. He smiles but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “Do you remember me?”
Now I do. How could I forget him? Disarming, discombobulating, disconcerting. “Yes. Levi, right?”
He nods, clipped and robotic. “And you’re?”
“Aiden,” I say, doing the polite thing and standing so I can shake his hand. “Good to see you again.”
Is it?
“Did you end up finding Zeus?” he asks, holding onto my hand for a beat too long, his breath hitching and his lip curling when I pull away.
I shake my head, worrying the inside of my cheek. “No, but I’m hoping he’s just lost and will find his way back home.”
He nods and the air is wired with awkwardness. He shuffles on his heels, clearing his throat before gesturing behind him. “Would you like to grab a coffee?”
I cock my head at him. Each word he just spoke sounded almost rehearsed. Everything in my body is telling me to say no, a little nudge in the back of my brain that’s screaming danger. Still, I’m intrigued. “Um, why?”
“I…” He trails off, adjusting his scarf. “I want to apologize for how I acted when we met. I wasn’t feeling good that day, and I’m afraid I might have given you the wrong impression of me.”
My back becomes rigid at his formal tone. Why does everything he says sound so fake? Not in the sense that he doesn’t mean it but almost like he’s mimicking human speech. It makes a chill break out on my skin.
“I was actually about to head home?—”
“Please,” he insists, reaching a hand to grasp my elbow. It’s harsh but gentle at the same time. Almost pleading. “It’s on me. You seem like you could use one.”
“What makes you say that?” I question reluctantly, uncomfortable yet… wired under his gaze.
He shrugs. “Just a feeling.”
I stand very still. Do I go with a man that gives me the creeps while making my blood pump at full speed or do I go home and spend another day fighting away the demons alone? The polite thing to do is accept his offer. It’s just coffee, very innocent, and very public.
Something tells me it’s a mistake to be alone with this man.
I nod, gathering my supplies. Like the gentleman he doesn’t seem to be, he helps me pick up my blanket and shake the snow off it. He tucks it under his arm and we walk side-by-side toward the coffee shop just at the edge of the park.
It’s crowded here, most people trying to escape the brutal cold outside. Immediately, the warm air assaults me and I grow sweaty, and it’s definitely not because of my nerves. I start taking my layers off, hanging them over my arm, but when I look at Levi, he hasn’t shed a single piece of clothing.
Wordlessly, we make our way to the line. I feel the need to fill the space between us with words but none come out. It’s his presence that speaks for itself. It fills the room until all I can feel and see and hear is him—loud in the quiet, whispering in the shouting—and it makes me tongue-tied.
When we make it to the front of the line, I clear my throat and order first. “Hi,” I say, trying to inject as much cheer in my voice as possible. “Could I get a caramel macchiato?”
The barista smiles back, genuine and kind as she points at the cups next to her. “Size, love?”
“Medium, please,” I reply, flinching when Levi lets out something akin to a low groan. I look up at him and gulp. “You?”
He breathes in deeply through his nose. “The same.” He pauses, thinking through his words. “Please.”
“Okay, that’ll be ten fifty-two,” the barista says, holding her hand out.
Levi flusters for a moment. He looks at her outstretched hand and furrows his brows, hesitating as he reaches for his wallet. It takes me a moment—confused and slightly intrigued—before I pull out my own wallet and hand her my card.
She looks between us, a questioning glint in her eyes, but swipes my card nonetheless. “It’ll be ready in just a minute. You two have a nice day.”
We walk over to the side where the drinks get brought out and Levi frowns. “I was supposed to pay.”
I shrug. “It’s no big deal.”
“It’s—” He cuts himself off sharply with an almost snarl to his voice. Once again, he seems to be running through a list in his head. “Thank you, Aiden.”
I nod, accepting a thank you that seems so disingenuous. When our coffees come out, we find the only available seats left and settle in. I’m not too sure what Levi wants to talk about, or if he really wants to talk at all, so I let him set the tone. After a minute of silence, my eyes start to wander, specifically to the little To-Go kiosk in the corner.
“What are you looking at?” Levi questions, almost petulant.
I try not to let him rattle me. “Just the muffins. They look good.”
“Get one.”
I fidget with my hands around the cup, picking at the little cardboard sleeve. “Um, no. I’m okay.”
He leans forward, far too intense for what this conversation is. “Do you want a fucking muffin?”
With his focus directly on me, I can’t see anything else besides piercing silver eyes. I’m wordless and dumb as I just nod, caught in some sort of trance. At my nod, he stands quickly, nearly shoving his way through the crowded tables to the kiosk. Someone is ahead of him, and he observes carefully the way they swipe their card through the machine before taking a treat. I find it odd how Levi seems to not understand the concept of a To-Go kiosk. Once it’s his turn, it’s almost as if he’s adapted. He swipes his card effortlessly, but instead of grabbing one muffin, he grabs two.
“Oh, you wanted one too?” I chuckle as he hands me mine. “They do look good, right?”
He shakes his head, jaw clenched as his fingers tighten around the table. “Both are for you.”
I open my mouth to protest. “But?—”
“Just eat the fucking muffin,” he snaps.
Again, I don’t know what comes over me. I don’t normally respond so… intensely to harsh tones. But it’s like I can’t resist. As he sips on his coffee, he watches me with interest as I eat my way through not one, but both muffins.
“Damn, those were good,” I say, rubbing my full stomach before taking a sip of my drink. “Thank you for getting those. Looks like I’ll need to cut some extra carbs tonight.”
He cocks a scarred brow. “Why?”
“Well, they’re not exactly good for the diet,” I laugh weakly, already thinking of the kale salad in my fridge. “Don’t want to put on too many pounds.”
He frowns at that. “Why would you want to change the way you look? You’re perfect.”
I don’t think he realizes what he just said. Strangers don’t call each other perfect and instead of making me fall madly head over heels in love with him, it sets my skin ablaze.
Fight.
Flight.
So very still.
“Thanks,” I whisper, the muffin feeling sour in my stomach. “That’s—um—kind of you.”
“It’s just the truth,” he grumbles, so dismissive of his own words, which just makes him endearing.
Or at least it would if he wasn’t so… unusual.
“How was your day today?” he asks, trying to smile again, but I don’t think a smile like that would set any one at ease. “Was it good?”
“Yeah—I mean—no. No. I went to my… My girlfriend died a few days ago.”
He doesn’t look shocked or remorseful or even the least bit sympathetic as he leans back in his seat. “I’m sorry.”
Is he?
“Are you sad about it?” He tips his head as he studies me, clear silver eyes dark in the bright light of the coffee shop.
“O-Of course,” I stutter, frowning sincerely.
“How did it happen?”
“I don’t really?—”
“The papers say it was murder.”
“Look, let’s talk about something else.”
“Do you feel free now?”
I stand, knocking my chair over. It’s too hot in this place. I’m sweating, the back of my neck coated in slick wetness. I’m…
FUCK YES.
LET’S GO.
YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.
“It’s our little secret.”
“I have to go,” I rush out, grabbing my coat and the rest of my things. “I just… I have things to do.”
“Aiden,” he says, too forceful as he stands and follows me out of the coffee shop. “I didn’t mean?—”
I turn on my heels. My breath is heaving up and down. It’s too loud. Too cold. Too much. Too fucking much. It’s?—
DO IT.
TELL HIM.
THE BITCH DESERVED TO DIE.
I dig my nails into the palm of my hands, biting my tongue until it bleeds. Stop. Stop. Stop. “I’m going home. I’m not feeling too great. It was nice seeing you again, Levi.”
Levi doesn’t seem to understand body language or social cues or anything that remotely resembles human decency because he starts to follow me down the street. “Tomorrow? We can see each other then? We can get more coffee.” He clears his throat, fucks with his scarf, bites his bottom lip until the scar there stretches. “Please.”
I start to run. I run away from the noise and the cold and the heat and Levi and everything else.
Too much. Too much. Too much.
“It’s all okay, Aiden.”
FUCK.
“You can trust us.”
DO IT. DO IT. DO IT.
Levi’s still hot on my heels as I make it to my car. I’m not sure what I’m running away from now. I just want Zeus. I want my cookies and my knitting and my baking shows and some GODDAMN FUCKING PEACE.
“Aiden!” he barks, slamming his fist against my window. “Aiden!”
I start the car, turning the ignition and flooring it out of the park’s lot. I only glance briefly at my rearview mirror and see Levi angrily pounding his feet against the ground like some sort of agitated and overgrown child.
In all my life, I’ve always been very very still, but I guess when it really matters, I choose flight.
And even though my mind is warring with itself, my body rejoicing in solitude, my emotions bursting and pouring out my eyes and down my cheeks, I don’t feel relief.
I feel so fucking alone.