Chapter 14
Chapter Fourteen
Ilook around the guestroom. This is all a little strange. I understand that his parents are doing whatever they can for Lex. But why on earth are they trying to help me? And can I really stay here?
“I know it’s weird,” Lex says. “I told you my family was fucked up.”
“I like your parents. They’re nice,” I assure him. “But this is weird, Lex. We haven’t even spoken for ages, and now what? We’re just going to live together? Take online classes together? How is this supposed to work?”
“First, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, Addi. If you want to break out of here, I’ll take you anywhere you want to go.”
“The only places I have to go is either back to NYU or home to my mother’s.” I sit on the sofa. Mrs. Petrov wasn’t wrong. This really is like a studio apartment. There’s a living room, a small kitchen on one side, and then a huge king-size bed on the other.
“How is your mom doing?”
“Good, actually. She got sober. And has stayed that way.”
“That’s good.” He sits down next to me, keeping a small amount of space between us. “What do you want to do, Addi?”
“I feel like if I stay with you, I’m going to use you.”
“Use me how?”
Turning towards him, I think about how to word what I have to say without looking like a crazy bitch. But he should know how truly fucked I am. “When you’re in a room with me, I don’t feel scared.”
“That’s a good thing, Addi.” He smiles at me.
I shake my head. “I haven’t felt safe since that night, Lex. Until I saw you yesterday. And I’m scared that I’m going to use you as a safety blanket. It’s not fair to you to do that, and it’s not fair to put my messed-up shit on you.”
“Well, I’m going to pull the best-friend card right now. I want you to use me for whatever you need, Addi. I should have been there. I should have known something was wrong and I was shitty for not knowing.”
“It’s not your fault, Lex. I didn’t want you to follow me. That’s why I wrote that letter.”
“I didn’t read it,” he admits.
“Why not?”
“Because I didn’t want to see in writing that I’d fucked up. I really thought you left because of what we did.”
I shake my head. “You know, when it was happening, I had this thought: Thank god Lex and I were together before this. Thank god this isn’t my first time. Which I know is probably a fucked-up thing to think. But I look back on that weekend with you with nothing but good memories, Lex.”
“You do?”
“You don’t?” I counter.
His lips tip up. “The only thing I regret about that weekend is not being able to do it again, Addi.”
I blink. What does that mean? I don’t know what to say.
“Wait… That came out wrong. I mean, sure, I’d be with you any day of the week, Addison, but I’m not asking you to do anything you don’t want to. And it’s okay if we just stay friends forever. As long as you don’t run,” he says.
He wants to do that again? I don’t even know if I can. I freaked out when he held my hand in the car. But I wasn’t prepared for his touch. I freaked out because I didn’t see it coming.
I shift on the sofa, kneeling to face him. “Lex, I’m going to try something and I need you to just… not move.”
“Okay.”
“Also, if you don’t want me to kiss you, you should say so now.”
“Addison, if you want to kiss me, then kiss me,” he says.
Our eyes stay connected. This is Lex, my best friend. The person I feel most safe with. And if I’m honest with myself, the person I’ve been in love with since I met him senior year.
I lean forward and press my lips against his.
Lex doesn’t move. He does return my kiss, though.
When I press my tongue against the seam of his lips, he opens his mouth.
Our tongues ever so softly tangle with each other.
I don’t hate it. In fact, I like it. My hands land on his shoulders and then I lift myself until I’m straddling him.
I don’t know what I was expecting. I thought maybe I’d be revolted and push away.
Or fear would take over. But none of that happens.
If anything, I want more. I deepen the kiss.
My fingers dig into his shoulders. Lex doesn’t move, other than his tongue against mine, and his hands remain at his sides.
I appreciate him doing what he said. But I think I want him to touch me. I move backwards. “Lex, I want you to touch me.”
“How?” he asks. “Where?” When I don’t answer, he holds up his hands. “You do it, Addi, put them where you want them. I’ll keep them there until you move them yourself.”
“Okay.” I take his hands, place them on my hips, and then I kiss him again. When I pull away, I smile. “I like kissing you.”
Lex smirks. “Good, because I like kissing you too.”
“You would tell me if you didn’t, right? Like you’re not just taking pity on me?”
“Addison, I love you. Trust me when I tell you that you can use my body how ever you want. I’m not complaining. I like touching you. I’ve always wanted to touch you and I’ve wanted to kiss you since the day we met.”
“What?” I look at him with suspicion. “You didn’t want to take my V-card, Lex. I had to talk you into it.”
“I wanted to. I didn’t want to drag you down into my fucked-up world. But here we are anyway. I want you, Addison. You’re the only person on this earth I actually like being around,” he says.
My stomach does that butterfly thing it used to do whenever we hung out together. I haven’t felt this content for such a long time.
Leaning in, I wrap my arms around his neck. “I want you to hug me, Lex,” I tell him. And he does. His arms wrap around my back and he holds me tight.