Chapter 13
CHAPTER 13
LIAM
I settle my gaze on Andie, who watches me as if puzzling through something in her mind. After a lingering silence, I ask a question I know she’s not expecting.
“What’s your favorite memory of us? I mean, high school us?”
Andie tilts her head to one side and considers the question. “That’s difficult to say. I feel like there were so many.”
I nod. “True. But if you had to choose?”
She gives my question some thought and then smiles. “Okay, here’s one. But I reserve the right to change my mind–at any time, okay?”
I grin at her. “Noted.”
“One of my favorite memories was when you and I had only been dating for a few weeks, and you and your family went on vacation. You wrote me a letter for each day you’d be gone and made me swear I would only read them on their designated day. You handed me fourteen sealed, white envelopes numbered in order.”
I respond with a chuckle. “I did do that, didn’t I? Dang, I was a thoughtful boyfriend, wasn’t I?”
“You were,” she agrees. “I loved reading those letters so much! A couple of the envelopes had little gifts in them. One had a pack of gum, and I was super impressed that you knew which brand and flavor was my favorite. There was a tennis bracelet in another of the envelopes. And I seem to remember some of the envelopes had candy in them. My favorite envelope, however, was the one where you included a drawing your little sister had made for me.”
“I had fun putting those letters together. I’m actually impressed you waited to open them. I thought you would read them all on the first day.”
“Believe me, I was tempted,” she nods. “And I loved that you sprayed your cologne on some of them.”
“I did?”
“You did.”
“That’s pretty cheesy. You can never tell our friends this. They’d never let me live it down.”
“I make no promises,” she says with a glint of mischief in her sparkling eyes. “I would put your letters under my pillow at night so I could fall asleep and wake up thinking about you.” She smiles at the memory as she gazes off in the distance.
At one time, I was a romantic at heart. Not many people realize that about me. They see the flirt–the guy who invites two women on the same date.
One time! I did it one time.
“How about you? What’s your favorite memory of high school us?” Andie asks as she nudges my leg with her foot.
I answer without needing a moment to think. I remember every detail in vivid detail. “The night I told you I love you for the first time.”
The look on Andie’s face tells me she wasn’t expecting that answer. Perhaps knowing my preference for extreme sports and thrill-seeking, she assumed I’d say it was our first time rafting together or one of our ski trips.
I first told Andie I loved her in the spring of our junior year. The days were turning warmer, but the nights remained chilly. At her parents’ cabin, temperatures were still dipping below freezing. Andie and I were lucky we didn’t get stuck in some freak snowstorm that night.
“That was an amazing night,” she says, her voice soft and low.
I nod and take note of the contemplative smile on Andie’s face. “Remember how we had to lie to our parents about where we were going?” I ask.
“That’s because there was no way in Hades my parents would have allowed us to drive up to the cabin and spend an evening alone in such a remote place. I’ve always suspected they knew, though. My mom seemed to have a sixth sense when it came to you and me.”
“That she did,” I agree with a laugh.
“I remember it was really cold that night, so as soon as we arrived, you built a fire in the fireplace. Then we rounded up a bunch of blankets and laid and watched the fire. It was so romantic.”
I reach for Andie’s hand and thread my fingers through hers. She casts her eyes downward as my thumb traces slow circles along hers. “Did you have any regrets, Andie? About that night? How it changed things between us?”
She closes her eyes and slowly shakes her head. “No,” she whispers.
“Truly?”
Her eyes pop open and she looks at me. “Did you?”
With my free hand, I cup the side of her face. “Never.” I shake my head and give her hand a gentle squeeze. “How could I? I just told you it was my favorite memory of high school us.” I try to communicate the sincerity of my words through my eyes. “Is there anything about our relationship you do regret?”
It’s not like me to be so preoccupied with the past. Maybe it has something to do with disappointing Grams. I don’t know. Ever since my date debacle, I’ve been doing some serious soul-searching. Regardless of my motive, I need to know the answer to this question. What if Andie has regrets?
She sucks in a deep breath and swallows before finally answering. “There’s only one thing I regret, Liam.” Her eyes burn a hole into mine.
“What’s that?” I ask.
“I regret that I ran away that night–the night of your graduation. I should have let you know I was there. It might not have changed things between us, but maybe–I don’t know. They say things happen for a reason.” She lifts her shoulder, doing her best to appear unaffected, and because I know every nuance of Andie’s body language, it doesn’t escape my notice that she’s struggling to swallow.
“Andie,” I whisper, and the look in her eyes is a painful caress across my heart. She reaches up and rests her index finger against my lips.
“Don’t,” she says, shaking her head. “Please.”
I gently pull her finger away from my mouth. “Don’t what?”
She closes her eyes and sighs. “Don’t say or do something right now that you might regret later.”
How do I tell her that at this moment, I want to kiss her more than I’ve ever wanted to kiss anyone? That even rain drenched and muddy she’s so beautiful she eclipses even the most glorious sunset? That desire has pooled in my veins in a way that’s equally painful and pleasurable? That of all my regrets–and there’ve been a few–kissing her could never be one of them?
“Tell me you’re not feeling what I’m feeling, Andie. That you don’t feel the same pull I do,” I say. “That you don’t want me to kiss you right now.”
Andie rests her palm along my cheek and closes her eyes. “I do,” she whispers. “More than you know. But Liam, we both know it would mean something different for me than it would for you. Pretending otherwise would only lead to heartache.”
I swallow my protest and nod, because what else can I do? I’m not selfish enough to promise something I may never be able to deliver.
Andie deserves to be happy. She deserves a man who wants the same things she does…someone who will move mountains for her and make all her dreams come true. A home. A family. That damn white picket fence. I would only end up disappointing her. She doesn’t deserve that.
Andie drops her hand away from my cheek and stands. “I need to find somewhere to pee,” she announces, a little too energetically. “And Liam?” My eyes drift upward to meet her gaze. “You were the best boyfriend a girl could ask for in high school.” She swallows, and after a beat adds, “I regret none of it.”
“Me neither,” I say with a quiet nod. And then, in an attempt to lighten the somber mood, I add, “But the real question is, am I the best fake boyfriend a girl could ask for?”
She laughs, but it doesn’t reach those rich, beautiful eyes of hers. Then she nods her head. “The very best.” Her voice cracks on the last word. She tries to smother it with a laugh, but as she turns away, I see the wet sheen of a tear slide down her cheek, and I hate myself because I know I’m the reason it’s there. I should go to her. I should wipe that tear from her face and hold her, and I should promise her she’ll never shed another tear because of me. But I can’t.
I’m paralyzed. Frozen by the fear of failing the only woman I’ve ever loved.
She heads for the door, leaving me to sift through our conversation and my self-loathing in silence. I immediately feel her absence–both physically and emotionally, and it leaves a profound ache in my chest monumentally more painful than my knee.
With only a few more weeks remaining of our fake dating relationship, I vow to myself to make sure Andie is safe. And I will make the coming weeks as memorable for her as possible.
We wait out the rest of the storm playing pretend Backgammon. It’s a thing.
When the rain finally stops, we venture outside, and abandoning our original objective to walk the properties, head straight to the jeep. Thankfully, the jeep was not in the path of the mudslide. My knee throbs with each step, but the pain is manageable, which tells me I didn’t tear a tendon. I’m pretty sure I dislocated it and it moved back into place on its own, but I’ll have to have a doctor look at it and x-ray it to be sure. Andie offers to drive me straight to the emergency room but thinks better of it when she realizes we look like something out of a zombie apocalypse movie. So instead, she decides to drop me off at my house so I can shower and she can return the jeep to the parking garage.
During the drive home, I shoot a text to Alex.
Me: Are you home?
Alex: Why, is it after my curfew?
Me: Ha. Ha.
Alex: What’s up?
Me: I need a ride to the ER
Alex: What happened?
Me: Think I dislocated my knee.
Alex sends a GIF of Michael from The Office with his head in his hands.
Alex: Do I want to know how you managed that? Last I heard you have a cushy office job now.
Me: I thought you’d be more sympathetic.
Alex: Have you met me?
Me: Fair point.
Me: I tweaked it in a mudslide.
Alex: Okay. That’s a new one.
Me: I’m serious.
Alex: About the knee or the mudslide?
Me: Both. I took Andie to inspect a couple parcels of land. We got hammered by rain. Then a mudslide.
Alex: Is Andie okay?
Me: I’m hurt you asked about her before asking if I’m okay.
Alex: You’re not. You have a dislocated knee.
Alex: Also, mudslide?
Me: Yes. I was trying to run to higher ground but got clipped by the edge of the slide.
Alex: Did Andie film it? Because I need proof.
Me: No film.
Alex: Then it never happened. You probably tripped over a paperclip and are too embarrassed to admit it.
Me: Is Bree around? Maybe I should’ve texted her instead of you.
Alex: She’d be on my side.
Me: Anyone ever tell you what a pain in the butt you are?
Alex: Frequently.
Alex: It’s a special skill of mine.
I send Alex a GIF of a sad puppy with the caption, “You’re mean.”
Alex responds with a GIF that includes an impolite hand gesture.
Me: I’ll be home in about twenty minutes.
Alex: See you then.
“So, let me get this straight. You were alone in an abandoned building with Andie for three hours?” Alex asks on the way home from the emergency room, where an x-ray confirmed my dislocated knee had moved back into place on its own. The physician’s assistant wrote me a prescription for anti-inflammatory pain medicine. Otherwise known as Advil.
“Don’t make it dirty, dude. I told you, Andie and I are just friends.”
Alex laughs. “Whatever pays the rent, buddy.”
“What the heck is that supposed to mean?”
Alex shrugs his shoulders. “I’m no psychologist, but I am observant.
“And?”
He waves his palm at me. “I’m just saying, I see the way the two of you look at each other.”
“How does she look at me?”
Alex tilts his head to one side. “The same way Nell looks at Larson.”
Never accuse Alex of missing his mark.
“That’s highly unlikely,” I reply.
“Then you’re blind.” Alex pulls into the parking garage at Graham Development so I can get my car.
Alex’s comment weighs on me. Does Andie really look at me the way Nell looks at Larson? It isn’t possible. I would have noticed at some point in all these years. Right? No. Alex must be confusing the affection Andie and I share for something more.
My mind trails back to the conversation she and I had while waiting out the rain. I came so close to kissing her! I mean really kissing her. If she hadn’t skidded the brakes on things, we’d probably still be in that abandoned building making out.
And then, afterward, what? Revert back to just being friends? Would I even be capable of that? Somehow, I doubt it. But what’s the alternative? We date each other for the rest of our lives? Who does that? Andie would never agree to such an asinine plan. And neither would I.
“Oh man,” I put my face in my hands and shake my head.
“What?” Alex asks.
“I am a class A, certifiable donkey’s rear end!”
Alex shrugs. “I was thinking idiot, but a donkey’s rear end has a much better ring.”
I glare at Alex through the sides of my fingers. “Thank you, Alex,” I say dryly.
“You’re welcome.”
“I was being facetious.”
“I know.” He grins.
“Are you this much of a pain with Bree?”
Alex huffs out a laugh. “We have our moments.”
“Do I even want to know?”
“Nope.” I suspect the grin on Alex’s face has little to do with me and everything to do with wherever his mind just traveled. As much as I enjoy pushing Alex’s buttons, there’s no denying how happy and relaxed he’s been since he and Bree reunited.
“You and Bree are good together.”
Alex nods. “We are.”
“Just like Larson and Nell are. And Max and Maizee. And me and…Oh no. No, no, no, no, no!”
“There it is,” Alex says with an exasperated upward glance. “Finally!” He reaches over and pats me on the shoulder. A little too aggressively if you ask me. “It’s about time.”
“About time for what?”
“For you to admit you’re in love with her.”
“Of course, I love her. I’ve always loved her.”
Alex shakes his head. “That’s not what I said. Don’t act like you don’t know the difference between loving someone and being in love with them.”
Panic washes over me. “Even if it were true–and I’m not saying it is–What am I supposed to do with that?”
“Gee, I don’t know. Maybe do something mature, like tell her?”
“I can’t do that.” I shake my head.
“Why not?”
“Because I’m afraid I’ll end up hurting her.”
“Then you’re a coward, and an even bigger fool than I thought,” Alex scoffs. “You might as well get comfortable with heartbreak, dude, because someone a hell of a lot braver and wiser than you is going to catch Andie’s eye, and when he does, he’ll lock things down tight with her. You’ll be the pathetic friend who shows up to their wedding crying over the one that got away.” He shakes his head. “Then you can spend the rest of your life being Uncle Liam to everyone’s kids—including Andie’s.”
For a man who never says much, Alex just broke the dam. Forget mudslides. Alex’s words are far more lethal, because he’s just given me a very harsh look at my future, and it sucks.
It sucks because I know he’s right.
“Listen, buddy,” Alex takes a breath and I get the sense he’s choosing his words carefully. “Nell once told me that being in love is a gift many people seek their entire lives for and rarely find. The fact that you feel that way about someone makes you one of the lucky few.”
“What am I supposed to do?” I ask, but I already know what his answer will be.
“If it were me? I’d put a ring on her finger and marry her before she has a chance to realize what an idiot you are.”
“You realize that’s exactly what you did, right? You married Bree the same night you met her.”
A huge grin spreads across Alex’s face. “Yeah, I did.”
“And you never worried you might be making a mistake?”
“You and I are different, Liam. I knew immediately that I wanted to marry Bree. She had me before she ever uttered a word.”
I think back to the first time I saw Andie. We were so young. We had no idea what we were doing, no idea what love was, and yet I knew I wanted her to be my girlfriend. Not just someone to date, and not some conquest. She completely lit up my world.
“Can you blame me for having doubts? I mean, Andie was with Derek for five years. She must have loved the guy.”
“Did you ever stop to wonder why she dated him in the first place?”
I don’t have to wonder, because Andie already told me. She had come to my graduation and saw me with two girls. In her mind, it meant it was time for her to get over me and move on.
Still, it was a few years before she and Derek became official. Was she waiting for me?
Reality slams an excruciating fist against my addled brain. Andie was nearly twenty-seven when she told me she and Derek were officially an item. That means she waited almost five years for me to come to my senses. And in all that time she never asked anything of me. She simply accepted whatever I was willing to offer her, which in my case, was friendship.
In fact, in all the years I’ve known her, Andie has never asked anything of me. Why is that? What would I have done if she did? Would I have embraced a future with her? Or would I have run for the hills?
Andie didn’t move on with Derek until I had her so deeply entrenched in my friend zone that there was no danger of her ever escaping. And yet, when she told me she and Derek were exclusive a wave of nausea crashed in my gut and I wanted to punch the guy. I wanted to punch anything I could, as many times as I could. And thinking back, that was when I began getting involved in bar fights. Was fighting my way of running away from thoughts of losing Andie?
I shake my head, a feeble attempt to shake away the realization that I’ve been blind for so long. All these years, I pretended Andie and I were on the same page. But we never were.
Even a donkey’s rear end would have seen the truth faster than I have.
“What if it’s too late?” I ask.
Alex shrugs his shoulders. “You’ll have to decide if she’s worth the risk.” Tapping the steering wheel, he adds, “Don’t overthink it, Liam. If you love her, tell her.”
“Was it really that simple for you?”
“Oh, hell no. Not the second time around,” he laughs. “But Nell set me straight on that one, too.”
“Figures.”
Alex pulls up next to my truck and puts his SUV into Park. He takes a deep breath and rubs his hand along the back of his neck, then releases his breath with a long sigh.
“Just say it, Alex. You’ve already filleted me, might as well finish the job and remove all my vital organs too.”
“All right. A word of caution, then. ”
I motion for him to lay it on me.
“Don’t mess with Andie’s heart. If you’re not through…being you, then leave her alone.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I ask, but I can already predict what he’ll say.
“I’ll spell it out for you. If you’re not done playing the field and ready to commit, then walk away, man. Don’t keep Andie on the hook. Be man enough to let her go.”
The thought of letting Andie go doesn’t sit well at all. That’s the last thing I want.
I nod and exit Alex’s vehicle, giving him a two-finger salute. Reaching into my pocket, I pull out my fob and unlock my car door. I settle into my seat and check the messages on my phone. I smile when I see a text from Andie.
Andie: Have you seen the doctor yet? How’s the pain?
Me: X-ray confirmed it had been dislocated, but moved back into place.
Andie: Ouch. What about the tendons?
Me: All good.
Andie: That’s a relief. Will you be okay this weekend? We can cancel if you’re in too much pain. Pain will likely be worse tomorrow.
Hah! Wild horses couldn’t keep me away from this weekend’s event.
Me: I’m good to go.
Andie: You sure? It’s not worth it if you’re in pain.
It’s absolutely worth it.
Me: I’ll be fine.
Me: You trying to get out of going with me?
Andie: Of course not. We’ll just have to skip the dancing portion.
Me: Why?
Andie: Duh!
Me: I’m not missing my chance to slow dance with you.
Andie: You’re such a flirt.
Me: Haven’t you heard? I’m only flirting with my girlfriend these days. It was a rule. And you know me and rules.
Andie: First of all, fake girlfriend. Second of all, name a rule you haven’t broken.
Me: No peeing in the pool?
Andie: X – Wrong. Try again.
Me: No running in the halls?
Andie: XX – Wrong. One more try.
Me: No making out in public places?
Andie: XXX – Wrong. Three strikes, you’re out!
Me: What’s the penalty for striking out?
Andie: I wasn’t expecting you to strike out, so I’ll have to give it some thought. In the meantime, I own your butt, Liam.
Andie sends a meme of a cartoon character twerking.
Me: That’s disturbing.
Andie: Or super cute.
Me: Wait. Are we talking about my butt or twerking?
Andie: I’ll let you decide. See you tomorrow.
Me: I look forward to it.
Andie: Flirt.
Me: Only with you. It’s in the rules.
Andie: We’ll see.
Yes, Andie. We will, indeed.