Chapter 25 #2
It wasn’t nearly as tight as I wanted, but something about having his arms around me centered me. Suddenly all was right with my world, and I could breathe again.
I relaxed in his arms for a few minutes, but once I was calm again, I could tell he wasn’t. From his rigid body to his heavy breathing, Mal was vibrating with tension and angst. No doubt he was still mentally beating himself up. And it hurt my heart so much.
“I know the first month of our marriage hasn’t exactly gone to plan,” I began, but had to stop when he shook the bed with his soft laughter.
“You think?”
I smiled at the sardonic tone in his voice. “Yeah. But I think as long as there’s not a biblical plague on the horizon—although given our luck, there might be—we should be able to take some time and just be together now. Don’t you think?”
I didn’t need to see his face to read the heavy tension in the room.
“Mal? What’s going on?” My stomach fell. Oh god. Was he breaking up with me?
“The guys and I might have agreed to continue the band tonight.”
I blinked a few times, waiting for the hammer to fall. But when he didn’t say anything else, I probed further. “Okay? Isn’t that a good thing? I thought you loved your band.”
“But it’s not the life I promised you. I said I’d put my all behind you and your career. That we’d figure it out together, and I’d be the Stay-At-Home Dad supporting you.”
‘Stay-At-Home Dad.’
I had to catch my breath before I could ask, “Do you… We never really talked about it—which in hindsight is stupid—but do you want children?”
“I mean in theory, yes? But I don’t see how it would work if I’m touring and you’re either going back to school or starting your career. You’re only twenty-two. That’s not exactly fair to you.”
My breath left me in a whoosh of relief. Which I realized meant I wasn’t ready to have kids right now either.
But Mal kept going.
“And it also shouldn’t take you getting abducted and passing out in a hospital for us to have a conversation.
Especially one as important as this. I didn’t even have the band as an excuse for my shitty behavior this last month.
I failed as a husband again and again, and I wasn’t even working.
What’s it going to be like when I am recording and playing and touring with the guys? How can this ever work then?”
His voice grew tighter and tighter the longer he spoke, and I knew he was blaming himself for way too many things.
“Okay, first, I want you to take a breath. We don’t need them admitting you too, because then we’ll never get out of here.”
Mal gave a choked laugh that had me smiling in response.
“And second, I’m going to need you to give yourself some grace here. Your best friend died. Sure, this last month has been rough, but we’re still here together. You tearing the hospital apart for me told me everything I needed to know about your feelings for me.”
His arm tightened around me for a second, then he brushed his hand up to cup my breast. He nuzzled into my neck. “You are clearly the brains of this couple. Thank you for not giving up on us.”
“Never. Not as long as you keep loving me like this.” I sighed and relaxed into his embrace. “But third, and I think the most important thing here, is that we need to lean on each other. What’s the point of this marriage if we’re not there for each other in bad times as well as the good ones?”
“You have a point.”
“It’s like you said, it shouldn’t take something catastrophic happening for us to have a conversation. You have to let me in.”
“I am. I will.” He sighed and burrowed his face into my neck. “Maybe you could come with me to my next NA meeting? See what I do every day?”
“I’m there, Daddy. Always for you.”
“Fuck yeah, you are.” His hands wandered a little north, and I sighed as a sense of peace washed over me. “And we’ll figure out the rest of it in time. I mean, it’s not ideal given your age, but I want to table the baby talk for a bit. Maybe revisit it in two years?”
“Did you just call me old?”
“Well, if the creased leather pants fit—eep!” I yelped as his nuzzling turned into a tickle fest.
“You two are disgustingly cute.” Beau flung the curtain aside and stomped into the tiny space before plopping a greasy brown paper bag on the small table next to the chair. “Here’s your damn burrito. Chicken okay? I forgot to ask if you’re a vegetarian, and Mal here didn’t answer his phone.”
“Chicken is awesome, and I can totally relate.”
Mal sucked in a breath, and I winced.
“Too soon?”
Beau lifted the side of his mouth in a smirk that no doubt would’ve made many a woman swoon. “Yeah, she’s good people. You chose wisely, Mal.”
I turned slightly to look up at Mal. “Did he just quote Indiana Jones?”
Beau cracked up. “Fuck, now I’m jealous.” He shook his head. “I’ll be back at our waiting room if you need anything else.”
“Thanks, Beau!” I shouted at his large, lumbering Viking-esque form as he walked away.
He lifted a hand in response but kept walking.
Mal huffed before twisting out of the bed behind me and helping me sit up. He didn’t say a word as he passed me the bag and collapsed onto the chair, folding his arms over his chest with a furrowed brow.
“What?” I finally asked, confused by his sudden change of behavior. And after we’d made up so much ground.
“I don’t like him crushing on you. He should know you’re my woman,” he said, sulkily.
“Oh my god. You’re ridiculous!”
He huffed again. “I shouldn’t have to hear it. So disrespectful.”
“Do you know what I’ve had to listen to the nurses say about you? And the doctor too!”
He perked right up. “What’d they say?”
I rolled my eyes and dug my burrito out of the bag. But when I looked up Mal was staring back at me with this expression in his eyes that made my heart skip a beat. Despite everything that’d happened today—his crazy assistant, the abduction, the trauma, the ER visit—I probably looked a mess.
And yet despite it all, he still stared at me like I was the most wonderful, gorgeous woman ever.
I smiled back at him then dug into the burrito with the gusto of a starving Dickens character.
And Mal had that look in his eyes the entire time.
If that wasn’t love, I don’t know what was.