Chapter Sixteen
Jonathan
The morning dew lay thick upon the grass in St. Michael’s churchyard as I wandered between the headstones, searching for a way to calm my thoughts. Theo had always said the dead were excellent listeners, and I had to agree, although they were terrible if you actually wanted advice.
This coming weekend would be the first in a while that I hadn’t been working at Lick It!
, and with July bearing down on us at all speed, I knew Alfie’s free time was about to go from limited to non-existent and it was worrying me.
In the back of my mind, it felt very selfish to agonise over how his work schedule would affect me, but that didn’t stop me from doing it.
We hadn’t really had a formal conversation about what we were to each other, but given everything we’d done, I wanted to believe we were something.
I supposed that was another thing I needed to add to the list of things we should talk about, along with how and when we were going to see each other over the busy summer period.
He’d mentioned via text that Darcy was looking at giving each of them a day off, and his was likely to be Monday or Tuesday, but that didn’t mean much since I’d be at work and I couldn’t exactly ask Laurie for modified hours just so I could see my boyfriend.
Boyfriend.
Even thinking the word still felt strange to me.
I’d only ever had one before and I still wasn’t quite sure what I was supposed to do.
It seemed like there was a lot of guidance out there for relationships, but it varied wildly and that wasn’t helpful.
I’d been trying to do some reading on being in a relationship and being a good boyfriend, and while some of it seemed like common sense, some of it seemed to contradict itself and I was tying myself in internal knots trying to figure out what I should listen to and what I should ignore.
And I wasn’t sure if both of us being men made a difference in how things worked. I assumed queer relationships were different, but my limited experience in anything related to romance and the wider queer community made it hard to know what to expect.
I would have to pluck up the courage to talk to Laurie or Theo. They had a very loving and balanced relationship built on a foundation of trust, respect, and deep friendship, and hopefully that meant they’d have some good advice to dispense. All I had to do was start the conversation.
But that felt very difficult.
A grumbled huff from around my feet drew me from my musings and I looked down to see Angus stood next to me with a tennis ball in his mouth.
He was a small, stocky Scottish Terrier with dark fur, an excellent moustache, and a rather impressive set of eyebrows.
His fur was just starting to go grey around the edges, and it only served to make him look more distinguished.
He was also very demanding, and as soon as he saw me looking, he dropped the tattered ball onto the grass and stared at me expectantly.
“Oh, good morning, Angus,” I said as I picked the ball up and gently threw it down the line of graves, smiling as Angus trotted happily off after it. His presence meant Fred would be around somewhere, and as I looked around the churchyard, I saw her familiar figure by the door of the church.
St. Michael’s had stood on the hill above Heather Bay for hundreds of years, never wavering under the weight of history and the inexorable passage of time.
It was a small church, but a beautiful one, and had endured despite the winter storms eroding the stone, drumming holes in the roof, and even taking out one of the stained-glass windows.
There was always something to be repaired but it offered a place of calm sanctuary and safety.
I’d never been sure if I believed in God, but I enjoyed walking around the sprawling churchyard, which spread out around it down a slope, or sitting alone in the pews, especially during the height of summer when the stone walls kept the inside cool.
It offered me a sense of peace and tranquillity, and that was enough.
Angus returned with the ball as I began to walk towards the church door, and I dutifully threw it again. If Angus had decided I was entertaining him, then I wasn’t going to tell him no. If I did, he’d simply follow me around and grumble at me until I gave in.
“Good morning, Jonathan,” Fred said with a smile as she turned from unlocking the door, a large straw hat perched on top of her short, grey hair.
She was wearing her normal clerical shirt and dog collar, but also a pair of old gardening trousers which had been repaired several times with patches of bright, floral fabric.
She was the most relaxed vicar I’d ever met and another person I felt safe being myself around.
She didn’t judge, but she would give you a prod in the right direction if you needed it. “You’re up early.”
“I couldn’t sleep,” I said, glancing down at my watch and realising it was barely quarter-past-seven. I hadn’t really registered what time it was when I left the house to go for a walk. The sun had been up and that was enough for me. “I thought a walk might do me some good.”
“Fresh air often helps. Especially if there’s something on your mind.
” She looked at me for a second, then nodded.
“I don’t suppose you have a few minutes to help me get some tools out of the shed?
Melvin’s gone to visit his son for a couple of weeks and I promised I’d keep on top of things, so I was going to do a spot of weeding before I have to go set up for the tea morning. ”
“Of course.” Melvin was St. Michael’s volunteer groundskeeper—a tiny, sprightly old man in his eighties who absolutely refused to retire or take things steadily, and who continuously dismissed the idea of finding someone else to share the job, insisting he’d been maintaining the grounds for nearly sixty years and that wasn’t going to change until he was buried under them.
Fred had, at this point, given up arguing with him about it.
I waited outside the church while Fred went in to retrieve some keys and prop the door open for any visitors, since she was around, and then followed her through the churchyard to the shed in the far corner, stopping every now and then to throw Angus’s ball.
“So,” Fred said as she opened the shed door and began pulling out tools. “How’s things? Are you still helping out down at Lick It!?”
“No,” I said, taking a bucket of trowels and small gardening forks. I’d mentioned to Fred about giving Alfie a hand but had so far managed to keep our relationship under wraps. Unless Theo had spilled. “They’ve managed to hire a few more staff.”
“That’s good. Means business is going well then.”
“Yes, I think they rather underestimated how busy they were going to be.”
“Always the best way to do it,” Fred said.
“As long as it doesn’t take you too long to get up to speed once you realise.
” She tucked a gardening pillow under her arms. “Their ice cream is very good, so I’m not surprised they’re popular.
Angus was very upset I wouldn’t let him have mine, weren’t you?
Greedy little monster.” Angus, who’d flopped down beside my feet, snorted with derision.
“No, don’t argue with me. Or I’ll tell Jonathan about how you stole half the sausages that were meant to be for my barbecue last weekend. ”
“Angus! You didn’t?”
“He most certainly did. I’ve never seen him look so pleased with himself.”
“Naughty Angus,” I said with a fond smile as I bent down to rub his ears.
“He doesn’t care, look at him. Smuggest bloody Scottie in Yorkshire.” Fred shook her head. “I didn’t even realise he could still get up on the kitchen table. He hasn’t done that in years.”
“I suppose sausages are a great motivator.”
“They are indeed,” Fred said as she locked the shed and gestured for me to follow her around the side of the church to one of the flower beds. “Are you getting to see much of Alfie?”
Her question, asked so casually, completely stunned me and I nearly fell flat on my face as I tripped over a lump in the grass, dropping the bucket of tools with a loud clatter. “W-What?”
“Oh come on now, Jonathan. We both know there’s something going on between you.” She smiled kindly as she put the cushion down on the grass. “I’ve seen him walking you home.”
I swallowed, embarrassment flooding my chest. I tried to speak but not much would come out, all I could do was look down at the flowers.
“I, er, we… a bit. It’s hard with our different working hours.
And, er… well, I don’t want to demand time in the evenings if he’s tired or has to work late.
But… I… it’s… it’s very new and I’m a bit… ”
“It’s okay.” She patted my shoulder and gestured to one of the nearby benches. “Let’s go and sit down.”
“But don’t you—”
“I have plenty of time for you.” She steered me over to the bench and I sat, Angus lying down at my feet and using my boot as a headrest. From here, we could look down across the churchyard and see Heather Bay sprawled out before us, the early morning sun shining on the rooftops and making the sea glitter.
The sound of birdsong filled the air and it felt like the world was at peace.
Fred and I sat in silence for a few minutes, letting the calm wash over us.
It gave me time to put my thoughts in order.
“I’m not very experienced with relationships,” I said eventually.
“And I want to make sure I get things right. I know there are plenty of people out there who make differing schedules work, but there’s not a how-to manual on the best way to do it.
I don’t want to appear indifferent, but I also don’t want to… smother him, I suppose.”
Fred nodded sympathetically. “Communication is going to be your friend here. It will be hard, especially at first, because it’s difficult to advocate for yourself and what you need, and it can also be painful because there’s a chance the other person feels very differently or has different expectations. ”
“That’s what I’m afraid of. What if I hurt him?”
“What if he hurts you?”
“Well, that’s—”
“Don’t you dare say that’s not important because it is.”
“I know,” I said. “That has, um, been made clear to me.”
Fred chuckled. “I’ll assume Theo and Laurie have already threatened him, then?”
“Not to his face. At least, I don’t think so.” I hoped not anyway. I’d be absolutely mortified if that was the case, but surely Alfie would have told me if they had? And it wasn’t like Alfie had done anything to deserve it beyond existing.
“They won’t have,” Fred said, as she looked out over the bay. “They’re good men. Even if Lawrence refuses to accept that Byron was a loathsome man and terrible poet.”
It was my turn to laugh then, because Fred and Laurie’s shared love of romantic poetry and wildly differing views on the work of Lord Byron were well known to me. “They are.”
“They’ve had their issues with communication too, you know. Everyone does. It’s hard to be vulnerable with someone you care about, especially if you’re still getting to know them.”
“I think I’m worried I’ll say the wrong thing,” I said.
“I can be quite direct sometimes, and I struggle when people aren’t clear with me.
And if I don’t talk to people for a while, it doesn’t mean I feel less about them, but I know some people take it as me not liking them or valuing our connection.
” I sighed. “People are so much trickier to deal with than they should be.”
“They are, which is why you have to find the right people for you.”
“I really want Alfie to be one of them,” I said quietly, watching a tiny fishing boat bobbing on the water in the distance. “He’s so kind and sweet and we like so many of the same things. And he seems to like me for me.”
“That’s a good start.”
“I just don’t want to screw it up by saying or doing the wrong thing, or by not spending enough time with him. I don’t want him to think I don’t care.”
“Then bloody well tell him that,” Fred said.
“Tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him that you’re worried.
And if you need to, figure out a schedule.
Say you’re going to meet every Monday and Thursday or something, leave each other messages, put in the effort, and be prepared to forgive each other when things go wrong. ”
“You make it sound so simple.”
“It is, in a way. But people are complicated and emotions aren’t straightforward, even if we’d like them to be. Relationships take work, Jonathan, like everything in life. But when you find someone who’s worth it, you won’t mind doing the work.”
I nodded slowly. Her words all made sense, all I had to do was act on them. “Thanks, Fred.”
“You’re welcome,” she said. “You know you can always talk to me, and I won’t tell anyone.”
“I appreciate it.”
Above us, the church clock struck eight, its familiar peals ringing out above us to announce the new hour. “I should probably go,” I said. “I need to get ready for work.”
“And I need to do this weeding,” Fred said as she stood. “Keep your chin up, Jonathan. Talk to him and everything will work out, I promise.”
I hoped she was right.
Because I couldn’t imagine how painful it would be if everything went wrong.